Das Beste Oder Nichts (Full Version)

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ExiledTyrant -> Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 12:25:25 PM)


In another thread, I posted that I was 100% in a relationship, and that less than that, made me feel unfaithful to the relationship.

Perhaps it is that I am geared towards 24/7 TPE, and committing to that dynamic puts me all in. As I stated in the other thread, I am relationship orientated, so casual sex really doesn't get me excited... Although it is nice on occasion, in the end it reminds me of how much more I'm looking for... 100% of course.

Of course there is the whole thang... Well, me being a nightmare pain in the ass is a big one. I loathe sycophants, and I do not feel nor believe that being on the /s should a sycophant be. I love being challenged intellectually, physically, and just about any way that does not become bratty disobedience. Furthermore, I am one of the most skilled people I know, there is very little that I cannot build, fix, repair... I'm McGyvers smarter brother. I love turning people onto learning new stuff, and when in a relationship we start on automotive 101 and drift through the spectrum of "Homeland security can and will throw you under Guantanamo bay for the shit you know", needless to say, rarely a dull moment in exile-land.

I suppose I'm blathering long winded, rather than saying, I'd rather she be with me because she wants me and not because she needs me. To the point I will equip her with skills and knowledge that renders me moot in the vanilla need department.

I have seen, and still see titanic strength from our /girls on this site, I'd name them, but I only have about 9hours of battery left on this iPad, but you know who they are.

Conversely I've seen oceans of indifference from the D/ side of the dynamic, here and in social settings, that gives me enough pause to think I may be an island in the 100% in department. Not saying that all D's have given me doubt, we have a few here that have helped me broaden my horizons by example over the years, but it does seem to be a limited quality. From your side of the kneel, how far "in" are you, or intend to be?

So without further gilding the lilly... Tear into it

Exiled



LadyPact -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 2:20:27 PM)

Some of this is probably stuff that we've already mentioned to each other on the private side, so I'll apologize in advance if it's stuff that you've heard before.

Being a poly person, I don't know if I really see Myself as 100% because there are two different relationships. It's not a triad and frankly, I don't want one. There is always going to be stuff that is unique to each that just doesn't get shared with the other person. I consider some things intimate with each individual. It's just the way I do things.

As the literal person that I am, I do make the distinction between want and need. Truthfully, I tend to think I come across as kind of cold when it comes to any thread around here about break ups. When I start reading any version of the other person ended it and "OMG, I'm going to diiiiieeeee......." I'm more or less on My end thinking no, you're not. It's a break up and a person is entitled to any grief that they experience, but you're not going to die unless you (general you) inflict upon yourself a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
As I stated in the other thread, I am relationship orientated, so casual sex really doesn't get me excited... Although it is nice on occasion, in the end it reminds me of how much more I'm looking for... 100% of course.


I had to pull this part out because you're definitely not alone in this. I tend to consider Myself probably one of the worst people on the forums about sport fucking. I don't do well at it, so I don't engage in it. I've got all kinds of different categories for My sex life that most people wouldn't understand unless they were inside My own head. I recently realized the difference (to Me) in what I'd call the 'I'm fucking you because I own you' sex or the 'satisfying My sadism' sex and the 'you're submissive and I actually care about you as a person' kind of sex. That last one is definitely the preferred and I'm only realizing that again after a number of years.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
Conversely I've seen oceans of indifference from the D/ side of the dynamic, here and in social settings, that gives me enough pause to think I may be an island in the 100% in department.

I'm going to step up to the plate and admit that I've been guilty of this. In fact, it's something that I've been doing a lot of introspection on. Taking into account the information that I have at My disposal, and yes, some of that is comparing how I've felt regarding various dynamics that I've been a part of at different times, it really boils down to how I felt about any particular s-type in question. My current dynamic hasn't really been going that long, but if it ended today, you people certainly would be listening to Me crying in My Cheerios. You guys have never seen Me say anything like that about anybody other than MP and you've been reading My opinions on things for years. No, you're not going to see Me pull the "I think I'm going to die" card. You'd probably be hearing about tears and ice cream though.

In a way, it's kind of a scary proposition because I do feel emotionally invested in a way that I haven't been with a s-type for a very long time. Dang near anybody who reads these forums has seen it in Me. Heck, you should see the way it works from the S/m angle. The play is completely off of the charts in ways that I honestly can't explain. Not that I didn't play casually with him before and don't have that standard to compare it to. It really is the emotional attachment that is the difference. At least, that's how I'm seeing it from where I'm sitting.



sexyred1 -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 2:32:38 PM)

I am 100% "in" or I am not. I can no longer even consider casual, it lacks depth which I need.

I find if I love someone, then of course I also need them.

I have also found that wanting someone who ends up not supplying your emotional needs can be tragic.

I think as you mature you start to realize that needs are as important as wants.



DesFIP -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 3:16:02 PM)

If she could handle getting her car fixed before she met you, then she doesn't need you to handle it. Yeah, you being knowledgeable makes it easier for her to talk to the mechanic but she managed before you and she could manage after. Convenience is not the same as need.

There's also a difference between physical and emotional need. I can't change the oil in the car but I can take it to the shop and wait for half an hour. My need for him is emotional, if this relationship ended I would mourn it deeply. As he would. Because we are each others support system, we turn to each other first in pain and in joy.



shiftyw -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 3:36:10 PM)

I'm happier with casual.
I'm in a monogamous relationship currently, and its hard for me.
Perhaps someday we will be poly. I certainly want that. But the current beau has issues- so right now I'm 100% in, but it hasn't been easy for me.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 3:53:42 PM)

Thank you LP, I knew I could bank on you.

Exiled

P.S. In some alternate universe, I'm confident that we are Siamese twins connected at the genitalia... Well, so people would think anyway.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 3:54:59 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I am 100% "in" or I am not. I can no longer even consider casual, it lacks depth which I need.

I find if I love someone, then of course I also need them.

I have also found that wanting someone who ends up not supplying your emotional needs can be tragic.

I think as you mature you start to realize that needs are as important as wants.


Bada bing, bada boom!



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 4:00:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

I'm happier with casual.
I'm in a monogamous relationship currently, and its hard for me.
Perhaps someday we will be poly. I certainly want that. But the current beau has issues- so right now I'm 100% in, but it hasn't been easy for me.



Temet Nosce

Yes, I know, I hate that same friggen monkey, he won't be off my back either.

I like me a lot, so I'm good with being alone. It doesn't help that I'm a weirdo that wants to snorkel, surf, spear fish, hike, camp, grow and raise food, and go to major department stores in the dead of winter to watch parking lot tragedies for amusement. If I could smack that monkey off my back and become a shallow club junkie, life might be easier, but I doubt I'd like me very much.

Exiled



windchymes -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 5:12:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I am 100% "in" or I am not. I can no longer even consider casual, it lacks depth which I need.

I find if I love someone, then of course I also need them.

I have also found that wanting someone who ends up not supplying your emotional needs can be tragic.

I think as you mature you start to realize that needs are as important as wants.


Bada bing, bada boom!


Or, you begin to realize the difference.



tiggerspoohbear -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 5:36:03 PM)

I'd rather be by myself than in a relationship where we weren't each giving 100% of our efforts. I'm getting too old for just settling for someone. Luckily, I've found the right Man for me, and he's found me. We're on the same page only he leads, I follow. As it should be.



littlewonder -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/12/2014 10:23:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If she could handle getting her car fixed before she met you, then she doesn't need you to handle it. Yeah, you being knowledgeable makes it easier for her to talk to the mechanic but she managed before you and she could manage after. Convenience is not the same as need.

There's also a difference between physical and emotional need. I can't change the oil in the car but I can take it to the shop and wait for half an hour. My need for him is emotional, if this relationship ended I would mourn it deeply. As he would. Because we are each others support system, we turn to each other first in pain and in joy.


This



dollenburg -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/13/2014 2:32:10 PM)

I had to google it:
Gottlieb Daimler's motto was Das Beste oder nichts ("The best or nothing at all").



LookieNoNookie -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/13/2014 4:42:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


In another thread, I posted that I was 100% in a relationship, and that less than that, made me feel unfaithful to the relationship.

Perhaps it is that I am geared towards 24/7 TPE, and committing to that dynamic puts me all in. As I stated in the other thread, I am relationship orientated, so casual sex really doesn't get me excited... Although it is nice on occasion, in the end it reminds me of how much more I'm looking for... 100% of course.

Of course there is the whole thang... Well, me being a nightmare pain in the ass is a big one. I loathe sycophants, and I do not feel nor believe that being on the /s should a sycophant be. I love being challenged intellectually, physically, and just about any way that does not become bratty disobedience. Furthermore, I am one of the most skilled people I know, there is very little that I cannot build, fix, repair... I'm McGyvers smarter brother. I love turning people onto learning new stuff, and when in a relationship we start on automotive 101 and drift through the spectrum of "Homeland security can and will throw you under Guantanamo bay for the shit you know", needless to say, rarely a dull moment in exile-land.

I suppose I'm blathering long winded, rather than saying, I'd rather she be with me because she wants me and not because she needs me. To the point I will equip her with skills and knowledge that renders me moot in the vanilla need department.

I have seen, and still see titanic strength from our /girls on this site, I'd name them, but I only have about 9hours of battery left on this iPad, but you know who they are.

Conversely I've seen oceans of indifference from the D/ side of the dynamic, here and in social settings, that gives me enough pause to think I may be an island in the 100% in department. Not saying that all D's have given me doubt, we have a few here that have helped me broaden my horizons by example over the years, but it does seem to be a limited quality. From your side of the kneel, how far "in" are you, or intend to be?

So without further gilding the lilly... Tear into it

Exiled


Yeah...blathering...that largely covers everything.

(By the way...change your profile pic.....no...seriously).



RemoteUser -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/14/2014 4:29:05 AM)

When I am in a relationship, I always strive to give 100%.

Is that always returned? No. Nor is it always recognized, and in fairness, sometimes results outstrips intent, diluting the perception of what is there, for myself or for her.

OP, are you merely approaching this from what you want to be/have, or from what is? Kudos to you if you can always make the two align. I'm not quite as fortunate, though I take any variance in stride. After all, giving isn't half as significant as what is received, or for that matter, learned and discovered.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/14/2014 7:12:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

When I am in a relationship, I always strive to give 100%.

Is that always returned? No. Nor is it always recognized, and in fairness, sometimes results outstrips intent, diluting the perception of what is there, for myself or for her.

OP, are you merely approaching this from what you want to be/have, or from what is? Kudos to you if you can always make the two align. I'm not quite as fortunate, though I take any variance in stride. After all, giving isn't half as significant as what is received, or for that matter, learned and discovered.


Always what it is. Maneuvering me into a relationship is like parting the Red Sea. I'm quite happy alone, and my happy is very important to me. I've had a few bad experiences, and a few experiences that were horrendous nightmares from the darkest depths of hell. So when I weigh a potential relationship vs the odds of my happy being damaged, the scales usually weigh on the happy side. I'd rather miss an opportunity rather than invite disaster.

Nevertheless, sometimes I get pursued, romanced, and wooed effectively and tenaciously enough to actually get into a relationship, and when I do, I am all in. There isn't one aspect of her life that I am not willing to be a 100% participant in, once she invites me to be a part of that aspect.

Exiled

P.S. Hope that answered it.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/14/2014 7:16:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie


Yeah...blathering...that largely covers everything.

(By the way...change your profile pic.....no...seriously).


Listen Bub, I'm going to strongly recommend that you block me since I clearly cause you so much angst.

Exiled



DesFIP -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/14/2014 8:53:18 PM)

It's rarely 100/100. Sometimes she gives 100% and you give 20, and sometimes it's 80/40. It's overall that matters. You can't decide that because she can't give 100 % today, that it's over.

If you do that, then I'd conclude that you are afraid of emotional intimacy and are looking for an excuse to end things, to protect yourself from being hurt.

Unfortunately, if you remove the possibility of being hurt, you also remove the possibility of being loved.



MariaB -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/15/2014 4:39:39 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


I love being challenged intellectually, physically, and just about any way that does not become bratty disobedience. Furthermore, I am one of the most skilled people I know, there is very little that I cannot build, fix, repair... I'm McGyvers smarter brother. I love turning people onto learning new stuff, and when in a relationship we start on automotive 101 and drift through the spectrum of "Homeland security can and will throw you under Guantanamo bay for the shit you know", needless to say, rarely a dull moment in exile-land.



I agree with this and the reason I agree is, my partner, like you is a multi skilled man. I've never heard him utter the words, 'I can't do that', its not in his vocabulary. He's taught me skills I never thought were possible. Since meeting him I have helped build a house, renovate a historical building, build a floating structure inside a historical building. Five years ago I couldn't even use a screw driver properly. Now I proficiently use industrial nail guns, chain saws, and angle grinders [8D] I know know how to strip an engine, make electric circuits, build a reasonably complex website, how to ocean navigate with the stars in case all the equipment goes down and how to get down a mountain safely when there is a high risk of avalanche. He has also taught me the rudiments of how to save someone else's life in certain mountain situations. The biggest thing he has taught me is, nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it.

Before meeting him, the man in my life was always saying, 'I can't do that, we need to get an expert in' and back then I didn't give it a lot of thought. What has shined through with my partner is his intelligence and the ability to think outside of the box and that thinking outside of the box reflects everything about him. It doesn't make him any more manly (well it does to me!) but what it does make him is highly attractive, at least to me and the fact he has that endless patience to share that knowledge and 'get up and go' with me, has been life changing.

Do I need to give my all to the man in my life? This man, yes but up until him I certainly didn't. I had never before been through the building blocks of love like I have here.

I do believe you can give your all to more than one person. I have been utterly in love with a long term poly woman in our household and when that relationship finally broke, I grieved, I sank down low and I went through the whole curb of emotions one goes through when they have lost someone they love. One of the reasons I can't be in a D/s relationship with Steves girl now is, I can't afford to get so emotionally involved again. I can still adore her, look after her and love her but thats as a friend and friends are different right?



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/15/2014 8:32:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It's rarely 100/100. Sometimes she gives 100% and you give 20, and sometimes it's 80/40. It's overall that matters. You can't decide that because she can't give 100 % today, that it's over.

If you do that, then I'd conclude that you are afraid of emotional intimacy and are looking for an excuse to end things, to protect yourself from being hurt.

Unfortunately, if you remove the possibility of being hurt, you also remove the possibility of being loved.


There are times that I cannot give 100, but there is never a time that I don't want to give 100. I've been in relationships where I was giving my 100 and getting just above a pulse. I've been in relationships that were 100/100 whenever possible, and it oddly turned into a 50/50 responsibility. Often it was a race to see who would get home and cook dinner first, which was cool. It is a different creature pulling In to the driveway and being disappointed that she beat you home and surprising her with dinner isn't happening tonight.

I can, do, and will make the entire bed, but I prefer to make half of it (disclaimer: making the bed WITH me, usually requires making it twice... There's just something about big doe eyes starring up at me as she smoothes wrinkles from the bedspread that makes me want to rape her).

YMMV

Exiled



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Das Beste Oder Nichts (1/15/2014 8:36:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


I love being challenged intellectually, physically, and just about any way that does not become bratty disobedience. Furthermore, I am one of the most skilled people I know, there is very little that I cannot build, fix, repair... I'm McGyvers smarter brother. I love turning people onto learning new stuff, and when in a relationship we start on automotive 101 and drift through the spectrum of "Homeland security can and will throw you under Guantanamo bay for the shit you know", needless to say, rarely a dull moment in exile-land.



I agree with this and the reason I agree is, my partner, like you is a multi skilled man. I've never heard him utter the words, 'I can't do that', its not in his vocabulary. He's taught me skills I never thought were possible. Since meeting him I have helped build a house, renovate a historical building, build a floating structure inside a historical building. Five years ago I couldn't even use a screw driver properly. Now I proficiently use industrial nail guns, chain saws, and angle grinders [8D] I know know how to strip an engine, make electric circuits, build a reasonably complex website, how to ocean navigate with the stars in case all the equipment goes down and how to get down a mountain safely when there is a high risk of avalanche. He has also taught me the rudiments of how to save someone else's life in certain mountain situations. The biggest thing he has taught me is, nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it.

Before meeting him, the man in my life was always saying, 'I can't do that, we need to get an expert in' and back then I didn't give it a lot of thought. What has shined through with my partner is his intelligence and the ability to think outside of the box and that thinking outside of the box reflects everything about him. It doesn't make him any more manly (well it does to me!) but what it does make him is highly attractive, at least to me and the fact he has that endless patience to share that knowledge and 'get up and go' with me, has been life changing.

Do I need to give my all to the man in my life? This man, yes but up until him I certainly didn't. I had never before been through the building blocks of love like I have here.

I do believe you can give your all to more than one person. I have been utterly in love with a long term poly woman in our household and when that relationship finally broke, I grieved, I sank down low and I went through the whole curb of emotions one goes through when they have lost someone they love. One of the reasons I can't be in a D/s relationship with Steves girl now is, I can't afford to get so emotionally involved again. I can still adore her, look after her and love her but thats as a friend and friends are different right?



[sm=cheering.gif] YUM!

That's wot I'm talking about.

Exiled



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