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shiftyw -> RE: Mostly a rant - casual use of the word 'rape' (1/21/2014 4:53:27 PM)
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As a rape victim, I flinch on the inside every time its said/I have to read it.
I never call people out, because I'm generally afraid of getting into an argument I can't handle because I'll be too busy dealing with recounting it.
I also- think its kinda shitty to use in such a lax way with little regard to others (as I do 'retarded' or 'gay'), but some people feel that way about me saying fuck all the time. So in the end I never know if I'm just over sensitive to it given my experience, or if I'm actually reacting appropriately.
To address Igor- I see it daily on this site. I admittedly try to avoid those topics- and rarely/occasionally (and regretfully sometimes) post on them. I realize its not "actual rape"- but me saying that sometimes feels really awful. Because plenty of people have said to me my rape wasn't "actual rape" because it was date rape, and I wasn't drugged. I avoid saying "consensual non consensual" too, its a slippery slope in my opinion. Its fine for whoever else to describe it as they want...but for me its deeply personal, and makes me feel guilty/shitty/whatever. We never do rape play in my relationship. If he were to call me his "rapetoy" I would leave. Drop everything and leave. That's not to say it isn't ok for littlewonder to do it in her relationship because like she said, they don't have constant consent- and I realize that- but to do it to me would hurt me deeply, feel as though he were exploiting specific aspects of who I am because of what happened. However, I realize there is a conceptual difference in its use within the world of BDSM and outside of it. And same goes for "slave". There is a difference. I don't attend a lot of events either because I realize there may be certain triggers there. Its "my responsibility" to realize that what is talked about here may trigger something- and its a lot of work- but I know the difference between rape and rape play.
But I'd also like to point out, I'm probably going to get cmail after posting this asking me to DESCRIBE what happened in DETAIL (BIG ASS EYE ROLL [8|]) while they whack off on the other end, and I do think speaking about rape so casually really causes that. I also don't subscribe to the fact that "rape play"=therapy or reliving it with more control or any of that nonsense. I'll be the first to tell you I think you're an egotistical jerk for thinking you can cure my PTSD by acting it out again. And I think a lot of people subscribe to that train of thought, which I find unfortunate, but hope that most victims will make the right choice for themselves when getting involved with someone like that.
I will mostly speak on a "rape play" thread to say "Hey if you're doing it as therapy- my recommendation is to do it with clothes on at a therapy office" or "Hey, you might step on some triggers you didn't know were there, make no mistake this is some seriously emotional stuff- be sure you have negotiated and discussed appropriately". This is kinda rambling- but what I'm really saying is, I feel really weird about it, I am aware of what it can do to me and the headspace the word "rape" can put me in and ultimately- while I'm not directly responsible for what caused my PTSD- I am ultimately responsible for making sure I do everything to protect myself in the aftermath.
I do think the case Athena mentioned here is insensitive at best. It normalizes the word, and making rape casual is pretty gross behavior- but what can be done about it besides telling someone they are being garbage?
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