Fantasy compared to reality (Full Version)

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totallyrandom -> Fantasy compared to reality (1/25/2014 9:23:45 PM)

I'm not sure if this has been asked before but anyways here goes. I'm an avid reader of all things romance but especially the BDSM romance. In all honesty that is the only information I have to go off of and I'm wondering just how accurate the novels are to real life when it comes to the BDSM life style. Are there actual bars/clubs that cater to kinks? I'm assuming every D/S relationship is different that being said I understand the sexual aspect but after going through the posts on here I've notice people post that it's more then just sex and I'm curious as to what that means to everyone. I hope my questions have come off pretty straight forward and thank you to anyone that has an answer. I am interested in pursuing a D/S relationship but would prefer to have all the information I can before jumping in.

thank you [:D]



Rawni -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/25/2014 9:37:23 PM)

It might help if you tell us some of the names of those romance bdsm style books you have been reading.



graceadieu -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/25/2014 10:45:11 PM)

Uh, I've never read a BDSM romance novel, but I'll try to answer your questions.

1) Yes, in some areas. Usually they're called "dungeons" and are a place for people to do BDSM things away from home. Dungeons can have theme nights for specific groups/kinks, "how-to" classes, social events, stuff like that. From what I've seen they're usually in a warehouse somewhere, it's not some super-glamorous secret society like people imagine.

More common are "munches", which are social meet-and-greet events for kinksters, usually held at a restaurant or bar. There's usually no obvious kink allowed at a munch, since of course you don't want to get the group kicked out of the venue.

2) Yes, every D/s relationship is different. Some people are just looking for some no-strings kinky sex or S&M now and then (this is called "play partners", the kinky version of "fuck buddies"). And some people are looking to get married and start a family. And everything in between.

Some people in a relationship will engage in power exchange only for specific periods, like during sex or designated "play time" - this is often called "bedroom-only" D/s. And other people will have a relationship where the power exchange is ongoing at all times - this is referred to as "24/7" D/s. (Keep in mind, in a "24/7" relationship, they're not having sex or getting tied up 24/7, they still have to go to work and pay bills and all that. It just means that the dominant partner always has authority to tell the submissive partner what to do, within whatever limits the couple has agreed to.)


Hope that helps.



totallyrandom -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/25/2014 10:58:43 PM)

Thank you for the reply it was very helpful



Inghammar -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/25/2014 11:02:56 PM)

If you spend your time reading only books with Fabio on the cover you will probably be in for a rude awakening.

One difference that comes to mind is in the real world, dominants are not telepathic as they are usually portrayed in fiction.



MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/25/2014 11:11:04 PM)

Books with Fabio on the cover, and how to deal with them:
Tear off cover...use the remainder of the book to start the woodstove.
Both are pretty hot, LOL.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Inghammar

If you spend your time reading only books with Fabio on the cover you will probably be in for a rude awakening.

One difference that comes to mind is in the real world, dominants are not telepathic as they are usually portrayed in fiction.




Kana -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 5:31:57 AM)

quote:

I have to go off of and I'm wondering just how accurate the novels are to real life when it comes to the BDSM life style.

Not at all.They're novels. An author once said that one second of the most boring persons life and thoughts was infinitely more fascinating than the greatest novel. I kinda agree with that idea
quote:

Are there actual bars/clubs that cater to kinks?

Sure there are...but they have rules and regs and trust me on this one-they ain't exactly like they are depicted in the books
quote:

I'm assuming every D/S relationship is different that being said I understand the sexual aspect but after going through the posts on here I've notice people post that it's more then just sex and I'm curious as to what that means to everyone.

When I was a kid I could do the just sex thing. As I've aged, I learned a hole is just a hole, that there's more important things. Also, things like control,ownership and long term degradation and humiliation began to appeal tome more and more-all these things involve more than just sex.
quote:

I hope my questions have come off pretty straight forward and thank you to anyone that has an answer. I am interested in pursuing a D/S relationship but would prefer to have all the information I can before jumping in.

Or one could jump in and learn by being and doing



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 5:40:40 AM)

If you're into reading romance novels, you already know a vanilla romance is not like an actual vanilla relationship. BDSM is no different.

Really the best thing you can do for yourself is get out into your local community and go to a munch. Not only will you meet like minded people, you will learn BDSM is comprised of (mostly) normal people just like you.

That tends to take much of the anxiety away.



angelikaJ -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 7:35:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: totallyrandom

I'm not sure if this has been asked before but anyways here goes. I'm an avid reader of all things romance but especially the BDSM romance. In all honesty that is the only information I have to go off of and I'm wondering just how accurate the novels are to real life when it comes to the BDSM life style. Are there actual bars/clubs that cater to kinks? I'm assuming every D/S relationship is different that being said I understand the sexual aspect but after going through the posts on here I've notice people post that it's more then just sex and I'm curious as to what that means to everyone. I hope my questions have come off pretty straight forward and thank you to anyone that has an answer. I am interested in pursuing a D/S relationship but would prefer to have all the information I can before jumping in.

thank you [:D]


There is a difference between D/s and kinky sex.
You may find in trying and doing that you thought you wanted d D/s relationship but that kinky sex works better for you.
Novels tend not to incorporate the messiness of real life, so don't get disappointed when your storyline is interupted by calls from relatives and flat tires.

We have a booklist.
You may find that interesting.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

If you are on the s-side of the kneel you may want to read The New Bottoming Book.

You may also enjoy Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns.

Also, in the books they don't have a lot of the douche-y behaviors that will appear online and in real life.
So, don't worry if someone says you aren't submissive enough.
It just means you aren't submissive enough for them.
Too, be wary if strangers tell you things like you are a "natural born slave".



MercTech -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 9:15:55 AM)

Laurell Hamilton Book Club?

Oh the flashback..... a friend of mine in Orlando once hosted a "Regency Romance Writer's Workshop". What does that have to do with me? I was talked into helping with the Victorian high tea the was the culmination of the workshop.
I never thought that dressing six boys in leather pants and poet shirts to act as waiters would be dangerous. But, damn, those blowsy ladies could draw blood pinching bottoms through those leather pants.



DesFIP -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 10:20:11 AM)

Bars were really only in the gay community. Most dungeons/clubs prohibit alcohol usage because you cannot give informed consent while under the influence. It's a liability issue.

More common are munches which are meetings in a restaurant for people to talk about nonkink things and become friendly. Then someone will offer their home for a play party by invitation only. Alcohol there depends on the homeowner.

We went to a rope group a couple of months ago in someone's condo. Rules were no nudity and bring food to share. We brought cheese and crackers. But lots of tying people up over their panties and lots of laughter and fun. We had to miss the last meeting because we're both coughing too much to have any energy in the evening.

If you go to fetlife.com you can look for groups and events in your area. They'll tell you if you need to be vetted first to go or not, and vetting usually means attending three munches first so people can decide if you would be compatible to the group or not. Bigger cities usually have a club open to the public. New York does and so does Orlando. I don't know about anywhere else.



littlewonder -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 1:26:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: totallyrandom

I'm not sure if this has been asked before but anyways here goes. I'm an avid reader of all things romance but especially the BDSM romance. In all honesty that is the only information I have to go off of and I'm wondering just how accurate the novels are to real life when it comes to the BDSM life style. Are there actual bars/clubs that cater to kinks? I'm assuming every D/S relationship is different that being said I understand the sexual aspect but after going through the posts on here I've notice people post that it's more then just sex and I'm curious as to what that means to everyone. I hope my questions have come off pretty straight forward and thank you to anyone that has an answer. I am interested in pursuing a D/S relationship but would prefer to have all the information I can before jumping in.

thank you [:D]



Having all the information before jumping in is like saying you want the time to be right before you have a baby. There IS no right time! You just hope that you have the very basics and learn the rest along the way. That's how life is lived.



njlauren -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 1:38:12 PM)

I have read BD/SM themed romance novels, like Lora Leigh (Spelling? Always get it wrong), Ellora's cave has a lot of BD/SM themed romance novels as well. Like any romance novel, there is some truth in the way that BD/SM is presented, things like safewords, or if a D/s, contracts, the trappings I guess you could call them.

Where they fail in comparison to reality is they, well, are fantasies...the dominants are perfect (mostly female sub/male domme, few femme domme romances), they get total control over the sub (who never knew they were, yet are agreeable), the S/M clubs are these upscale places with very chic people wearing thousand dollar outfits, it is basically over the top. Often the dominant is some dangerous dude, ex Seal, cop, investigator, PI, you name it, if it is a femme domme she is a cop or someone trained in martial arts with a Barbie doll body..you get the idea.

Then, the relationship never hits rough water, the female sub goes from being vanilla to this guys sex slave kind of thing, there is never real conflict around it, never any miscommunication, hurt feelings, etc....which with BD/SM like real life does happen....and not all dominants are so completely self assured they can do what goes on in this books....

Not knocking them, some of them are hot, but they are not a good guide to real life, any more that vanilla romances give a realistic portrayal of what men are like...:).

The other thing is, there is a broad range of ways to do BD/SM, others have touched on it, there is strictly for kink play, there is D/s where power comes into it that goes beyond the sex, all kinds of variations.....one of the nice parts about all this, you and whatever partner(s) you get involved with, decide what to do, outside safety concerns,there isn't any real 'right' way to do this, up to you:)



MasterCaneman -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 1:46:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Inghammar

If you spend your time reading only books with Fabio on the cover you will probably be in for a rude awakening.

One difference that comes to mind is in the real world, dominants are not telepathic as they are usually portrayed in fiction.

We knew you were going to say that...



Kana -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 6:31:54 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman


quote:

ORIGINAL: Inghammar

If you spend your time reading only books with Fabio on the cover you will probably be in for a rude awakening.

One difference that comes to mind is in the real world, dominants are not telepathic as they are usually portrayed in fiction.

We knew you were going to say that...

Hey, it was never stated that we weren't Omnipotent!



DesFIP -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/26/2014 8:38:54 PM)

I am not going to hassle the op for reading bdsm paranormal romance. I read a lot of it myself. I prefer the shifter ones where they always have to deal with family/pack. They wind up having to go to work, balance everyone's needs. With that said, they're still not realistic.

Either they get together because they instinctively know they are each others perfect mate which doesn't happen in real life too often or they're both doing this because they have issues. Hell we all have baggage. But mine doesn't explain why I like rope but not chain, blindfolds but not hoods. Or why I prefer guys between 5'11" but not over 6'2". Nor why I won't date Conservatives.

In reality, things don't go swimmingly. You try wax play and spend a week ironing it out of the rug. Trust me, that never happens in a book. And then one of you decides it wasn't hot enough anyway (pun intended).



Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/27/2014 7:06:25 AM)

One of my friends told me she was up and out of interesting things to read and asked if I had any suggestions. I sent her the Amazon link to Cherise Sinclair's book Club Shadowlands and told her it was free. She said she couldn't beat free and downloaded it. The next morning there is a message from her waiting for me where she said Damn you, Damn you for sending that book to me. Here it is two AM I am still reading this hot book and Master is asleep so I can't go and get any sex out of him. She said I was evil. Hehehehe No if I was evil I would not have loaned her the second book.



kalikshama -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/27/2014 9:31:02 AM)

quote:

I'm an avid reader of all things romance but especially the BDSM romance. In all honesty that is the only information I have to go off of and I'm wondering just how accurate the novels are to real life when it comes to the BDSM life style. Are there actual bars/clubs that cater to kinks?


While there are clubs that cater to kinks, they are not like the ones in Laurel K Hamilton's novels.

Try reading some of the non fiction in -=BDSM Book List=- and going to some educational BDSM events.



kalikshama -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/27/2014 9:38:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonlightmaddnes

One of my friends told me she was up and out of interesting things to read and asked if I had any suggestions. I sent her the Amazon link to Cherise Sinclair's book Club Shadowlands and told her it was free. She said she couldn't beat free and downloaded it. The next morning there is a message from her waiting for me where she said Damn you, Damn you for sending that book to me. Here it is two AM I am still reading this hot book and Master is asleep so I can't go and get any sex out of him. She said I was evil. Hehehehe No if I was evil I would not have loaned her the second book.


It's my one year anniversary and I've been reading Twilight for cheesy romance but this looks much more delicious, thanks!

http://www.amazon.com/Club-Shadowlands-Masters-Cherise-Sinclair-ebook/dp/B00B1N3EBC/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1390843933&sr=8-2&keywords=Club+Shadowlands



vincentML -> RE: Fantasy compared to reality (1/27/2014 11:08:23 AM)

quote:

Then, the relationship never hits rough water, the female sub goes from being vanilla to this guys sex slave kind of thing, there is never real conflict around it, never any miscommunication, hurt feelings, etc....which with BD/SM like real life does happen....and not all dominants are so completely self assured they can do what goes on in this books....

Lauren . . . an interesting report in the current Harper's (p.70) on a Romance Novel convention downtown Las Vegas with all sorts of workshops on marketing, plotting, cover design, etc. Apparently, there is a guy more in demand than Fabio who advises that the most alluring cover pics show the woman about to be kissed on the neck. His pics are for sale of course. Another workshop revealed that the basic plot recipe requires at least three turnovers of boy gets girl, boy loses girl, and boy and girl get back together for an absolutely essential HFA (happy forever after) and his roguish ways are reformed by her.

Evidently there are different genres of Romance fiction, BDSM gaining new interest because of the success of Fifty Shades Other currently popular genres include Vampires and Werewolves. Essentially a successful book requires a central love story, three plot flips, HFA, a great cover photo, and some (lots of) arousing scenes. Oh, also some kind of contract was desired. And vulnerability. Yes!

No question here. Just thought I'd share the formula. You enjoy writing, don't you, Lauren?[;)]



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