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di25 -> Tips from Jay Wiseman (2/14/2014 1:06:22 PM)
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Let me guess. You're a woman, you're heterosexual, and you keep having strange, disturbing, recurring, and intense
fantasies of a powerful, masterful man having his way with you. Perhaps he tears off your clothes and takes you. Perhaps
he throws you over his knee and gives you a long, hard spanking. Perhaps he ties you naked and spread-eagled to a bed
and proceeds to alternately tease and torture you for hours. Perhaps he locks his collar around your neck and orders
you to kneel at his feet -- and you do , both fearing and loving every second of it.
Have these fantasies become so intense and recurring that they make up almost every sexual fantasy you have? Have
they become the centerpiece of your thinking when you masturbate? Have you looked through personal ads searching for
the ones from men that mention bondage, spanking, and related practices, longing but not daring to answer them? Have you
thought of asking a man to help you explore your fantasies?
Do you worry that if you mention these desires to a man that you might end up being beaten or even raped? Do you wonder
how on earth you are ever going to reconcile you increasingly strong feeling that if you don't act upon these feelings soon
that you will go insane with frustration?
If many of these thoughts and feelings seem familiar, then it's likely that you have an erotically submissive side and that you're
either ready or not ready to explore this aspect of yourself. If this is the case then, as the saying goes, I've got some good
news, and I've got some advice.
Before I go further, please let me introduce myself. My name is Jay Wiseman. I'm a heterosexual, Caucasion male,
born in 1949, and is in a stable wonderful relationship with a wonderful woman named Janet. I have been exploring the
practices associated with erotic domination and submission since 1971, I am primarily -- but not exclusively - dominant
in my own desires, and since 1975 have been a member of what is cvalled the Bay Area SM Community.
During that time, I have probably attended over 1,000 SM-related lectures, demonstrations, discussion groups, parties and
related events. I have also given many presentations at SM groups, both locally and across the country- ranging from
Boston to New York to Seattle to Los Angeles.
For more than 20 years , I have advised , taught , mentored, trained, and otherwise assisted many novice submissive women,
and many other types of people, during their explorations into the realities of what is often called sadomasochism --SM( or
sometimes called BDSM) for short. I am perhaps best known in this respect as the author of the book,"SM 101:A
Realistic Introduction" published by Greenery Press.
The following should help get you off to a good start.
First, the good news is: It is quite possible for you to explore your fantasies in a healthy and constructive manner, without
in any way diminishing who you are as a human being and without compromising your feminist beliefs in the slightest. It
is also quite possible for you to find a man who is a good , decent, highly ethical , and definately non-abusive person
to help you explore this aspect of yourself.
There is even a fairly good possibility that you will end up in an ongoing relationship with such a man, and feel delighted
that you did. I know of many submissive women who found their "Master Right".
Now for the bad news: A few seriously "bad apples" lurk in the SM "barrel." There is no approved screening and training
program that would-be masters must successfully complete. There are no continuing education or licensing requirements.
Any idiot can proclaim himself a "master". A jerk in his late 40's who tied up a girlfriend once when he was 16 may
claim "I have over 30 years of real life experience."
Now, What you will be doing, in a very real sense, is exploring a wilderness. Therefore, it makes a great deal of sense
to approach your explorations into SM in much the same way that you would approach your explorations into
any other beauty and danger. Do yourself a favor and never forget those two extremely important facts.
Tip 1: Study and otherwise prepare before you approach that wilderness.
In one way, you are lucky to approach the SM wilderness at this time, because it has been extensively explored, and
many people are willing to share their own findings.
While universal agreement does not exist regarding what is and what is not appropriate practitioners about most
points. Many SM people have done things like taken a first aid/CPR class, had an HIV test done and gotten shots
to protect themselves from Hepatitus A and B. Additionally, do you know what a safeword is? Find out before
you play with someone in private.
Tip 2: Get some perspective.
People have to work out for themselves what does and doesn't work for them. It would be very dumb of you to
depends upon only one sourse of information tries to appear. Try to read at least 3 different books, written by
3 different authors, on the subject. 'Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns' Jay's book S/M 101, The
Bottoming Book (or The Topping Book if you are so inclined), and Different Loving are Four I would
recommend) Look over a number of different web sites. Attend as many different SM-related presentations,
by as many different presenters, as you can.
Tip 3: Time is your best and most important friend.
Take your time. Talk with natives. Talk with lots of different natives. Observe their colorful native costumes.
Many of these natives look more scary than they really are. Venture into the shops and look over the goods
for sale.
Key Point: The seriously dangerous, abusive, predators usually shun the mainstream SM community
because they know they would quickly be discovered and ostracized. Therefore they lurk on the fringes of
the community, trying to "pick off" the novice submissive female, whose low level of knowledge and
uninformed perspective can make her dangerously vulnerable. By the way, guess what you are?
Tip 4: You may get more attention than you can easily handle.
You are female who is entering a territory in which it is common for there to be more men than women
and many of these men are looking for a woman to do SM with.Therefore you may get scores of polite
offers -and unfortunantly, a few not so polite offers - for coffee dates or other get togethers. There is
nothing necessarily bad or wrong with such offers but, again, go slowly and don't get heavily involved
with any one giving out personal information about yourself to others such as your telephone number,
where you work, your email address and so forth.
Keep in mind that the person who shows the most aggressiveness in meeting you may not be the
best person for you to become involved with.
Keep your options open. Try to meet and have conversations with many different men. It is important
that you not allow any one particular person to monopolize your time and attention. Remember that
they slightly more reserved people are often better people to become involved with.
Another Key Point: You are absoloutly under no obligation to act in a submissive way towards a man
until after the two of you have negotiated that--and done so as equals. If some jerk tries to insist that
you call him "Sir" or "Master" or tries to give you orders, or touches you in an overly familiar way, or
says that you're not being properly submissive to him, your "creep alarm" should start ringing loudly,
and you should head somewhere else, fast!
A low-key, friendly courteous approach by a dominant is a very positive sign. Good quality dominants
tend to take a measured, attentive, respectful approach.
Tip 5: Take "elite" (and other claims with a large grain of salt.
Some men, in an attempt to impress you, may claim to be members of an "elite" private SM
organization that only admits the "select few", and you , tasty little morsel that you are, just happen to
qualify. I would urge you to be extremely skeptical of anyone claiming to be a "true master" or to practice
the "one true form" of SM.
Check out his sense of humor, as this is often deeply reflective of the person. Be wary of the dominant
who cannot laugh at himself.
Tip 6: Know that "malicious warnings" occur.
While the community does try to warn newcomers about genuinely dangerous people, understand
that this warning process is usually not well organized, usually lacking in "due process", and often
not very objective in how such warnings are made.
Tip 7: Beware, especially of the person who tries to isolate you.
Perhaps the single biggest "red flag", that a prospective male partner might be abusive or otherwise toxic
is an attempt by him to limit your access to information and discussion about what are and what are not
considered appropriate SM practices, ethics and relationships.
On the other hand, if he gives you books to read, points out websites and other Internet resources, takes
you to various SM-related presentations, and - in particular, puts you in contact with other submissives,
stick around for a while.
Tip 8: Seek , especially the advice and companionship of other submissive women.
A novice can learn a great deal very quickly. Probably the only big limit would be a "no setting up play dates"
rule at the meetings.
A group of submissive women would be a great place to check out a dominant's reputation, among other things.
If most of the women in the group think that he is a good guy, that's one sign. If most of them think he's a jerk,
that's another sign. In both cases, try to get specific details as to why they feel that way.
Tip 9: Explore
Your first year of invovement in the SM world is often a time of tremendous personal, growth and change. You will
likely have many new experiences, meet many new people, and see many new sights. In addition to exploring
your submissive aspects, you might also find that you have some dominant aspects to yourself.
(Many "submissive" women are not exclusively submissive. Many are more correctly called "switches", and they
at least occasionally enjoy taking the opposite role. This is also true of many dominant men.)
One bit of advice: It's common to find that you will come to enjoy a broader range of activities over time, and that some
(but not all) of the activities which at first held little interest for you , or perhaps even turned you off will become
enjoyable. There's a saying: "Never say never."
Tip 10: When they proper time comes, help educate and orient new submissive women, and others.
Interest in SM is growing rapidly, and the demand for realistic information is growing accordingly. Don't be
surprised if other people start asking you for information and advice.
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