RE: PTSD and the Dom

RE: PTSD and the Dom (Full Version)

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Greta75 -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/16/2014 9:50:23 PM)
One of the things he always mumbles to himself is that I'm dangerous to him, because I am a totally reckless person and he can't keep me safe and I can't follow his safety instructions and I put him in danger. I grew up in an extremely safe country, I can walk alone at 3am anywhere in this country without worrying for my safety, even since a young girl. As a 5 yr old kid, I was running about without supervision pretty far away from home alone, usually on a bicycle, so I do not see all the "dangers" he sees, also everything he explain to me is plausible if I'm damn unlucky but I guess I just never experienced all these things, so I never feel the need to be careful. Perhaps he does have PTSD and my nonchalance about his paranoia was probably unhelpful. Wow, I wish I knew then, I could have been more sensitive, and not laugh at all the crazy scenarios he brought up that could happen.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 4:14:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss Situation- In searching for a new Dom, I keep hitting up against men with PTSD...yeah..I have a thing for military men so it is a hazard. I know what PTSD is but don't know how severe (other than the cases you hear on the news which I figure are the extremes) or mild it can be. Is it something that will go on for life? Would you be worried about becoming involved with a Dom that acknowledges he has it? I wouldn't date a military man due to my political and philosophical so it's not something that I've ever encountered. Would being a military man with PTSD put me off a potential Dom? Yes, completely. Of course, if we were in a war and I loved a man who was conscripted against his will then of course it would be different. But if a person chooses voluntarily to join the army, knowing that there are people who would disagree with his choice, then he is 100% responsible for that decision and any fallout or effects that it might have. It's all about personal responsibility. I wouldn't date an ex-drug user with mental problems from their habit either, because once again they knew the risks when they decided to do it.

pg4g -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 4:19:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12 I wouldn't date a military man due to my political and philosophical so it's not something that I've ever encountered. Would being a military man with PTSD put me off a potential Dom? Yes, completely. Of course, if we were in a war and I loved a man who was conscripted against his will then of course it would be different. But if a person chooses voluntarily to join the army, knowing that there are people who would disagree with his choice, then he is 100% responsible for that decision and any fallout or effects that it might have. It's all about personal responsibility. I wouldn't date an ex-drug user with mental problems from their habit either, because once again they knew the risks when they decided to do it. That's understandable. Trying to protect your country is a horrible character trait... rolls eyes

MisterP61 -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 6:31:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pg4g quote: ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12 I wouldn't date a military man due to my political and philosophical so it's not something that I've ever encountered. Would being a military man with PTSD put me off a potential Dom? Yes, completely. Of course, if we were in a war and I loved a man who was conscripted against his will then of course it would be different. But if a person chooses voluntarily to join the army, knowing that there are people who would disagree with his choice, then he is 100% responsible for that decision and any fallout or effects that it might have. It's all about personal responsibility. I wouldn't date an ex-drug user with mental problems from their habit either, because once again they knew the risks when they decided to do it. That's understandable. Trying to protect your country is a horrible character trait... rolls eyes pg4g... I do not mind that she feels that way. In fact it is one of the main reasons I do serve. Free speech is a "hot button" for Me, and after seeing how women are treated in the middle east, even more so. I always go back to one fact. If My mom and sisters hadn't had the right to their free speech, I would not be the man I am today. It is in no way a perfect place, but I got LadyPact for My wonderful wife, I have friends, and I am not socially awkward (though sometimes My NYer in Me can make others feel a little awkward at times). Let Me explain that last part a little, and this is only ONE example of what I call My NYer. From a very early age, all I ever heard (from parents and friends parents) was a crap ton of cursing. It became something natural to Me, and though I have worked on it, the F-bomb has a tendency to get dropped a lot. To Me it is just a word... to others it is a bad thing. I have been know to use it as a verb, adverb and a noun in one sentence. [&:] DesFIP... I also knew a couple of people who died in the towers, and a few who for some reason or another, either begged off of work (it was a rather beautiful NY day so I heard, I was stationed in Colorado at the time, and in fact had just started dating LadyPact, which is another story to tell at another time), or just got stuck in traffic during the commute. When I heard it on the local radio station on the way to work that morning about the first plane, I thought it was a prank (a very bad taste prank at that) and was about to shut the radio off, and then the DJ said a second plane just hit the other tower, and I could hear the shock in his voice, and I just went numb after that. It was in fact one of the worst days I ever had in My life, and in the Army.

DomDolf -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 7:38:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rawni With your experience, would you say that time has enabled you to do better by way of understanding it, functioning with it and maybe dealing with some of it? Thank you Rawni. The respect is mutual. Absolutely time has helped. Only over time have I become more aware of the precursors because I have been able to spot and confirm a pattern through experience.

DomDolf -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 7:47:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 Could someone here with PTSD experience with x-military guys give me an example of what would be signs of PTSD? I never really thought about this, but my x-dom was x-military too, he always tells me about his nightmares that he was still in battlefield, he always wake up fully drenched in sweat, but I remembered I always find him extremely paranoid, like he thinks of things I never worry about, it's like everyone is out to cause us harm until proven they are harmless. I wonder if he had PTSD. At the same time, I always felt very safe with him, because his paranoid and takes all pre-cautions for everything and is not reckless. And I remembered he could not stand the sight of blood, even when I am on my period, sometimes I forget to tell him it's coming and he sees his dick covered in blood, he kinda calmly freaks out, but he told me he hates the sight of blood because he seen too much in war. But at the same time, he looks back at his experience in the military with fondness and joy. He said if they would let him serve again, he was discharged due to an injury. He would gladly jump back right in, and many times look back in fondness wishing he was still a soldier, so I don't know if he has PTSD. A professional opinion should be determined through a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist that has a clear understanding of PTSD. My thoughts, though I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist, is that this man has PTSD. What you describe doesn't sound like he is managing it well. Again, I am not a professional in this area.

DomDolf -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 8:28:16 AM)
[/quote] I wouldn't date a military man due to my political and philosophical so it's not something that I've ever encountered. Would being a military man with PTSD put me off a potential Dom? Yes, completely. Of course, if we were in a war and I loved a man who was conscripted against his will then of course it would be different. But if a person chooses voluntarily to join the army, knowing that there are people who would disagree with his choice, then he is 100% responsible for that decision and any fallout or effects that it might have. It's all about personal responsibility. I wouldn't date an ex-drug user with mental problems from their habit either, because once again they knew the risks when they decided to do it. [/quote] First, I respect your right to your opinion. I was shot at many times protecting others that wanted the same right. As were many of the men that founded my country. In fact, my country fought your country so we could have the right to represent and speak for ourselves. Your country fought us because they wanted to control us. Now, that was a long time ago, but in my country we, as a nation, still celebrate our decision to fight. Ask any 18 year old "man" why he "fights for his country" and I am certain he will come from a place of ideals and how things "should be". Condemning young people for their ideals is ugly and contrary to the growth we all have to go through. I would say that your view is pretty idealistic, in fact. I would love to talk about this with you in 20 years or so. Perhaps it is me, but your tone seems to be one of disgust and condemnation. Did I misread that? Perhaps it's my interpretation of using a comparison of a drug addict (selfish behavior) and people that put their lives on the line for people they do not know (unselfish behavior), regardless of the politics, as a seriously foul interpretation of reality and even a refusal to investigate what drives such men to make those decisions and the responsibility of the society that allows it. I often wonder what the world would be like without professional armies. I imagine dictators and criminals with greed and selfish intent would have a field day and great run at controlling everything they can for selfish reasons. Of course, people like that would love if others wouldn’t fight them, wouldn’t they? As anyone can tell, this is all just my opinion.

Domnotlooking -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 9:11:22 AM)
Hey, thanks for your service. Your response here is the very definition of 'classy guy'.

myotherself -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 9:26:43 AM)
I didn't read OD's response as being one of disgust or negativity, merely explaining why she believes what she believes. From my reading of her post, she is saying that any person going into the armed forces knows what they are letting themselves in for and accepts the risks that comes with the job. I think the analogy to drug users is maybe a little OTT, but I get where she's coming from. Personally, I think the army in my country and (so it seems) in the US don't do enough to support people who have been injured physically or mentally during their time on active service. They should have the same right of access to 'work-related injury' support (for want of a better phrase) as someone who got hurt working as a firefighter or police officer or any other job. I too was very reticent about dating ex-servicemen, until I met Master. When I was in my 20s I dated a soldier on active service and I found him to be quite unpredictable when he was home on leave. One minute he'd be fine, the next he'd explode in anger and I'd be frightened - after all, this was a man who was trained to kill. Looking back, it was most likely a form of PTSD. For several reasons this relationship didn't last, but mostly it was because of the potential for aggression when he had a mood swing. Master is ex-army. Fortunately his particular service meant he wasn't on the front line and for that I'm grateful. I don't know if, even now that I'm much older, I could deal with the devastating effect that PTSD has on everyone in the relationship.

LadyPact -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 9:48:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss I live in an area with a lot of returning military and am seeing more and more people on both vanilla dating sites and kinky ones that have suffered TBI and/or PTSD. My ex had mental health issues and made our lives a living hell but some of that I attribute to a lack of character on his part. Yeah, I'm very familiar with this last paragraph. In My world, the power dynamics swing another way than yours, but I thought I'd weigh in. Particularly with this part that I'm quoting. With no offense to other posters, there's a big difference between having a friend or other kind of associate with PTSD, having PTSD yourself, and having to deal with the person with PTSD in some kind of dynamic. Depending on the severity of the PTSD, you're talking all kinds of different ball games. I tend to see it the same way as if you were asking the same question regarding other mental health issues. For example, if you were asking the same question about 'should I date somebody with depression,' without having any idea of how severe the depression is for that individual. Personally, I'd be very wary of entering any kind of dynamic with a person with PTSD ever again. That's even with the acknowledgement that, to use your own words, I don't know how much of it was related to time in service, character flaws, or the mixed bag of other things who makes somebody the person they turn out to be. If I had a dollar for every time either MP or Myself said that person X, after a number of years, was so different than the person we knew during the first year of acquaintance, I wouldn't be responding on this thread now. I'd be off on My french riviera vacation. Yes, it really was that bad, both in the final year of the dynamic and after the dynamic was over.

kalikshama -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 9:59:37 AM)
quote: Hey, I check the safety of a place too and I never sit with my back to a door or an exit. My dad and I are both ex-military and when we have lunch we try to get a table in the corner so we can both have our backs to the wall, lol.

kalikshama -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 10:03:46 AM)
quote: I have PTSD. I served in the military for over 13 years. I can tell you what triggers me, how to avoid triggering me and how to deal with it if you see me triggered. I know myself very well. Not everyone knows themselves as well. How manageable PTSD is will be determined by the person's ability to cope with triggers and recognize when they are getting into a sticky situation. By avoiding these situations, triggering occurs less often. I have found that it is very important to explain to people close to me what MY symptoms look like. How I will act in seemingly normal situations helps them understand what they can expect. ...I have had no one ever say they felt my PTSD was a problem for them. I have led a successful business and do very well in just about every area of my life. PTSD is something I deal with, don't like at all, and will not allow to interfere with my progress in life. I would be irritated and avoid anyone that wanted to "mother me" around my PTSD. So, I caution anyone against discussing PTSD more than the person with it does. I hope this helps you, but most of all I hope it helps those that suffer from PTSD understand that they aren't alone. This is pretty much how I deal with my chemical sensitivities - self-awareness and personal responsibility are key. Getting back to the OP - TieMeInKnottss - do the men you're meeting have a handle on their PTSD like Dolf does? That would be key for me.

Greta75 -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 10:26:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DomDolf A professional opinion should be determined through a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist that has a clear understanding of PTSD. My thoughts, though I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist, is that this man has PTSD. What you describe doesn't sound like he is managing it well. Again, I am not a professional in this area. Unfortunately, knowing him, he would completely deny if I brought up PTSD and refuse any psychiatrist evaluation to find out if he has or not.

Greta75 -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 10:30:24 AM)
quote: Personally, I'd be very wary of entering any kind of dynamic with a person with PTSD ever again. What's the worst thing for you when being with someone with PTSD in a relationship. I mean, I was thinking, my x-dom ultra paranoia was just amusing to me but didn't really bother me that much. Most of the time, I am happy to go along with whatever he says, does not bother me if it makes him feel safer.

GoddessManko -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 10:38:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss I live in an area with a lot of returning military and am seeing more and more people on both vanilla dating sites and kinky ones that have suffered TBI and/or PTSD. My ex had mental health issues and made our lives a living hell but some of that I attribute to a lack of character on his part. Yeah, I'm very familiar with this last paragraph. In My world, the power dynamics swing another way than yours, but I thought I'd weigh in. Particularly with this part that I'm quoting. With no offense to other posters, there's a big difference between having a friend or other kind of associate with PTSD, having PTSD yourself, and having to deal with the person with PTSD in some kind of dynamic. Depending on the severity of the PTSD, you're talking all kinds of different ball games. I tend to see it the same way as if you were asking the same question regarding other mental health issues. For example, if you were asking the same question about 'should I date somebody with depression,' without having any idea of how severe the depression is for that individual. Personally, I'd be very wary of entering any kind of dynamic with a person with PTSD ever again. That's even with the acknowledgement that, to use your own words, I don't know how much of it was related to time in service, character flaws, or the mixed bag of other things who makes somebody the person they turn out to be. If I had a dollar for every time either MP or Myself said that person X, after a number of years, was so different than the person we knew during the first year of acquaintance, I wouldn't be responding on this thread now. I'd be off on My french riviera vacation. Yes, it really was that bad, both in the final year of the dynamic and after the dynamic was over. LadyPact is 100% right here. I have a friend who, I'm pretty sure has PTSD. I have discussed it on previous threads. It brought me back to my BDSM world, where I can control certain dynamics in my life and I'm happy about that decision. I am limiting my involvement with that person due to the unpredictability tied in to the ambivalence that exists in that person's character. In the case of my friend, he's someone everyone wants to be, a brainy James Dean sort of fellow with a perfect body and throaty laugh. He is not someone I would want directly involved in my life unless there was some major turnaround in the way he manages his life. I will however continue to reach out via email and hope for the best. Someone who manages their illness better and there is full awareness of all things involved from medicine to therapy to daily habits then sure, have at it when it comes to considering that person as "relationshio material". But only if there is transparency to the scope of the illness as well as how well it is managed through treatment.

Greta75 -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 10:39:00 AM)
I really like military guys though, maybe it's just my personal experience, they seem to have an old school gentleman manner with them. Whether Brit or American Military guys. I usually really like how they treat women. And in a war, a soldier is trained to just obey orders and execute. If they all had to rationalized what they were doing and went their own way because they disagree, that would be chaos, so it is just the nature of their job.

angelikaJ -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 10:55:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 One of the things he always mumbles to himself is that I'm dangerous to him, because I am a totally reckless person and he can't keep me safe and I can't follow his safety instructions and I put him in danger. I grew up in an extremely safe country, I can walk alone at 3am anywhere in this country without worrying for my safety, even since a young girl. As a 5 yr old kid, I was running about without supervision pretty far away from home alone, usually on a bicycle, so I do not see all the "dangers" he sees, also everything he explain to me is plausible if I'm damn unlucky but I guess I just never experienced all these things, so I never feel the need to be careful. Perhaps he does have PTSD and my nonchalance about his paranoia was probably unhelpful. Wow, I wish I knew then, I could have been more sensitive, and not laugh at all the crazy scenarios he brought up that could happen. Perhaps too when you were growing up it wasn't just a safer place, but a safer time as well? There are a lot more people in the world than when you were 5 years old. The more people, the greater chance you could encounter someone dangerous. You say that when it is explained to you, you see that danger is plausible. Maybe you could try and understand the reality of his point of view a little?

DomDolf -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 11:12:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DomDolf PTSD can vary in effect and intensity of the symptoms to a degree similar to the difference between stubbing a toe and a compound fracture of a femur. A couple folks have said that the triggers and understanding them are key. I agree completely. If someone has a stubbed toe, I would say the risk is low. If they have a broken femur, stay away. This isn't about what can be expected, but what is the possibility/probability of the unexpected. I can with a great degree of accuracy tell you exactly how I will act and react in any situation. Not everyone can. Not everyone will have reactions that will be seen as "okay". I would put my situation at the "broken toe" level. It hurts once in awhile, but I don't need medication, ongoing therapy or isolation to manage it. That is far from the case for many. I wouldn't consider a relationship with anyone that didn't have control over ALL aspects of their life. You don't get control by ignoring the problems or pretending/assuming it is not a problem.

Greta75 -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 11:40:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ Perhaps too when you were growing up it wasn't just a safer place, but a safer time as well? You say that when it is explained to you, you see that danger is plausible. Maybe you could try and understand the reality of his point of view a little? I do understand his reality and his point of view, because we grew up in different environment. He went to some public school that sounded like freaking violent, where teachers get jump and beat up by students, and he got stabbed many times by many students bringing knives in. And some even just to torment or bully a certain student in school, they go and jump and beat up their parents. So he came from a whole other universe from me. I never got into a fight in my life. And never bullied. I always was pretty good as staying out of everything, even the bullies won't target me. The thing is, all the thing he worries about is not relevant in my country, and he was based in my country when we were together. This is a country where, let's say a store holds a sale of stuffs, can be clothes, furniture, books, toiletries whatever, in an open street, where everybody walks by. When night falls and they close, they merely wound a thin red string around it, to tell people to stay out lol and we are so law abiding here, we just stay out. Nothing gets stolen, but my x would tell me in his country, everything would be gone by morning. We just live in different universe, and then of course his war experiences, and even after war, when he was working in the middle east not for the military anymore, he also got ambushed by terrorists, and his friends died in that attack. Just his life was so different from mine, it seem like he just travel to places where it's always super dangerous and he has so many incidents. I have zero. So I guess I don't feel these things he feels. Although I understand he has real cause, but I can't live my life adopting his paranoia procedures.

kalikshama -> RE: PTSD and the Dom (2/17/2014 4:45:38 PM)
I've been hanging out in woods since I was a kid and have no worries despite being lost a few times and seeing bears. My Dom insists I take a phone with me, which I thought was funny cuz these aren't deep woods, unlike the ones with the bears. He also gets worried when I go for long swims in the lake, which I've been doing for forever as well. I think the protectiveness is sweet :) My Dad is a worrier too (but not my Mom.)

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