Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: BDSM and social responsibilty


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: BDSM and social responsibilty Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/9/2014 8:25:34 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		I don't feel obligated to be part of a group that simply shares common interests with me. I'm not going to find every gardener, civil war re-enacter, tennis player, or home canning enthusiast worthy of extending my personal friendship to. I am selective in deciding who is worthy of my respect, I don't extend this honor to anyone who calls themselves kinky; there are some sick people out there that I want nothing to do with.

Although it might be fun and enjoyable to chat with someone about common interests, which is why I come here to the forums, I don't view kinkiness as a banner to wave to free kink enthusiasts from oppression. Being kinky is not the same as your core sexuality, race, or religion- those are subjects I think people should actively rally around to root for equality.

I don't see anything wrong with pointing out that some fantasies are unsafe or immoral. It's my opinion, I'm entitled to it. Don't canoeing enthusiasts differ on what tools/brands/boats they use and why? Does every car freak love the same type/make/model of car? If you share an interest with a group, every person in that group may have something that works best for them; being part of a group shouldn't put someone under some edict that proclaims that everyone does things the same way or enjoys the exact same thing. I'm going to feel that some kinky things are beyond the pale for certain reasons, I can speak of those reasons if I desire to do so.

No people shouldn't be 'obliged' to mentor, they're free to spend their time however they like. Do people do this in all other areas where they have knowledge or experience? No, yes, sometimes. It's your time, you're allowed to decide how to spend it. Does every car mechanic make herself available on her free time to show people how to change their own oil? Plus, people are asshats sometimes, if kink practitioners were obliged to mentor newbies, then they'd possibly be aligned with someone who would reflect negatively on the mentor, why incur that damage to your reputation just because you know something about a subject?

Yes, I do think that bringing kink out into the wider world would serve a positive purpose. If more people knew that 'normal' seeming people were interested in kink and living it, it would serve to take away the negative reputation somewhat. I wouldn't call that a "responsibility" to bring it out into the world, however, if your life was such that you could do so without damaging your reputation then why not toss a coin into the community kettle and let people know positive kink friendly information…? If you can't afford to be open, then so be it. No one has a debt that they have to pay off to the kinky world, but it would be nice if you could help out is what I think. The more normal kink seems, the less it will be demonized in the end and the more people I think will accept it as being 'meh….whatever that person is into big deal'.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/9/2014 8:38:39 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		FR

As a true child of the 60's, I grew up thinking everyone has a degree of social responsibility, it's part of being a good citizen. I still think that.

To what extent do you believe that an interest in BDSM or D/s makes us part of a wider community? And to what extent to you believe that partaking in these things gives us some degree of social responsibility to others with similar interests?


As a group we're a sub-culture, we don't become a community until we meet as a group, though in my mind that meeting can take place virtually. Which means I really do see CM as a 'largest BDSM community' on the planet.

I occasionally see someone express the opinion that since BDSM is outside the mainstream and regarded poorly by society in general (or has been until fairly recently) we should appreciate the fact that we are outsiders and welcome other outsiders with open arms. The theory goes that since we ourselves have not been accepted by some, we should be ultra-accepting and less judgmental of the world in general. Who agrees with this?


In theory I agree with it, in practice, not so much.

Do you feel we have a moral duty to be welcoming to newcomers? Should we be more understanding of those with kinks that are unusual even amongst kinksters? How about those who practice edgy or extreme things? Is there a line?


I feel *I* have a moral duty to be kind to newcomers who are actually seeking information. But that's a personal thing. I was born with and have been given many gifts in life, it's my responsibility to return the favor.

If support is to be given, what form does it take? Should we welcome everyone equally? Should we have strictly enforced boundaries of acceptable behaviour, or is that clique and elitist behaviour? Should we tell everyone that their fantasy/practice is great so that they feel included, or should we challenge ideas we find unsafe or immoral? Will that result in a small number of respected people effectively making the judgment about whether certain kinks are right and wrong? Do we have a responsibility to educate newcomers to any extent? Should those people who have years of experience feel somewhat obliged to mentor those who desire it?

I think the main form it should take is educational. Of course we have to have strict boundaries of behavior whenever we meet as a group. If and when we don't, we get bad PR and it makes the community look bad in general. Unsafe and unmoral ideas should of course be challenged, but the question is by who? Who do you want to be a member of the BDSM 'police?'

Most public meetings have a DM, often an overworked and over utilized volunteer who agreed to show up. DMs tend to let the power go to their head and over do it, or do a poor job, or let their friends slide on the rules. What you can do about it is agree to be the DM.

And lastly, to what extent to individual BDSM practitioners have a responsibility to break down stereotypes in the wider world? Do we each owe it to the community to bring BDSM into a positive light on a wider scale?

It's easy to say we should strive for good PR whenever the opportunity presents itself. The reality is that there are some crazy types attracted to BDSM, and they will create negative PR. I don't see a thing we can do about that.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 3/9/2014 8:40:13 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/9/2014 8:42:36 AM   
AlexisANew


Posts: 103
Joined: 2/10/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexisANew

OMG, so that was Hardy Habermans speech?!? and there was me thinking that speech had been written by a well known member of the UK scene. Talk about plagiarism!




Well... I was there listening to him... And it walked like him, talked like him... So I am pretty sure it was him.


I don't doubt that for a moment!

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/9/2014 9:03:37 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Sorry, I don't feel the need to embrace everyone else who dabbles in kink.
I like to cook but I don't feel the need to embrace everyone else who does so.

Most people are pretty repellent. They are stupid and short sighted. The fact that they feel this means nobody should tell them that they're being stupid when they buy a bullwhip and immediately use it on someone else doesn't fly with me.

There's a twit in my local community who believes any female who owns her own sexuality is a whore who spreads her legs for anyone. He had the temerity to say that to me about my daughter. I don't think he deserves any protection. I don't owe him anything. In fact, because of his effrontery and the fact that the local group leader didn't object to this, I won't go to events there.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/10/2014 10:41:19 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I read this the morning it was posted. I didn't reply to it then because I didn't have the time to dedicate to it that I would have liked to have. Even though a lot of this has already been said by other posters, I wanted to add My view.
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
To what extent do you believe that an interest in BDSM or D/s makes us part of a wider community? And to what extent to you believe that partaking in these things gives us some degree of social responsibility to others with similar interests?


To the extent that individuals choose to be a part of a wider community. If people are just doing their own thing in their own lives, that's not "community" even if they are enjoying the same kinky stuff as those folks who are interacting with other individuals about it. I'm all for folks enjoying kink only under their own roof, without discussing it with other people, or even getting on boards like this one. That makes them kinky, but not a part of the kink community.

I don't really feel a social responsibility unless there is some measure of 'social' about it and if I've accepted such responsibility willingly. If I agree to teach a class somewhere, that's a commitment that I'm going to uphold. If I put on a DM hat, I've got a responsibility to make sure dungeon rules are upheld and assist people as necessary. Some parts of things like that have social obligation as a part of them. Otherwise, I pretty much consider Myself to be a free agent. Just because someone has a similar interest doesn't automatically mean I have an obligation to fulfill.

quote:

I occasionally see someone express the opinion that since BDSM is outside the mainstream and regarded poorly by society in general (or has been until fairly recently) we should appreciate the fact that we are outsiders and welcome other outsiders with open arms. The theory goes that since we ourselves have not been accepted by some, we should be ultra-accepting and less judgmental of the world in general. Who agrees with this?

I don't agree with it at all. Personally, I think it's something of a fairy tale and not a great one to perpetuate at that. A person being kinky doesn't override everything else. That's like saying the interest in kink is more important than the fact that they are an unsafe player or someone who violates consent. If a person is a jerk, I don't care if they are a kinky jerk. They are still a jerk.

quote:

Do you feel we have a moral duty to be welcoming to newcomers? Should we be more understanding of those with kinks that are unusual even amongst kinksters? How about those who practice edgy or extreme things? Is there a line?

Being welcoming is not My niche in life. In fact, I find it to be something that folks with a different personality type than I am are better at. I leave that to those who have a better disposition than I do or whoever has taken the responsibility to be in that position at a kink gathering. If I've been elected to be on the board for a particular community, I consider it a part of My job. If I'm just an attendee, I don't.

Understanding unusual kinks and having a MKINYK attitude isn't the same thing as the concept that there's a scale when it comes to all things kink. I think this is particularly true when it comes to finding other people to engage in kink with. It's a heck of a lot easier to find somebody who enjoys light bondage than it is to find somebody who enjoys needles. The more extreme a kink gets, the fewer the number of people into it. That's just reality.

I am an edge player. There are a lot of folks right here on this board that wouldn't like some of the things that I do. My position on this is that I honestly don't care. I used to have a sig line that read, "I really appreciate your opinion and all, but My dynamic is not a democracy and you don't get a vote." I'm the same way about My play. That's between Me and the person that I'm playing with and the opinions of others don't come into it unless I'm at a community play space and the kink that I want to engage in isn't permitted by the dungeon rules. There are certain kinks that I only engage in at home for that reason.

quote:

If support is to be given, what form does it take? Should we welcome everyone equally? Should we have strictly enforced boundaries of acceptable behaviour, or is that clique and elitist behaviour? Should we tell everyone that their fantasy/practice is great so that they feel included, or should we challenge ideas we find unsafe or immoral? Will that result in a small number of respected people effectively making the judgment about whether certain kinks are right and wrong? Do we have a responsibility to educate newcomers to any extent? Should those people who have years of experience feel somewhat obliged to mentor those who desire it?

I come from a generation that fully understands that if a person wants to be educated about kink, it's their responsibility to make the effort to obtain it. That means that the person who wants to learn has to take the initiative. When I wanted to learn how to be a good top, that was on Me. Not the folks who already had the skills that I wanted to acquire.

No, I don't really think the 'treat everyone equally' thing is ever going to apply. There are way too many factors at play and we're not any different than any other part of society.

I'm more the 'strictly enforced behavior' type than anything else when it comes to things like community play spaces. Grab somebody's left tit without that person's consent and I'd rather see you not welcome back at that play space ever again. I'll gladly accept the label of elitist or cliquish if it comes to that. Some things should be a one strike and you're out policy.

No, we shouldn't tell everybody that their fantasies are great. Some fantasies are downright dangerous and destructive. Lots of folks want to do things that they have no education about or have no idea of what the potential risks are. Am I going to sit here and tell them that I think that makes them the sharpest crayon in the box? Probably not. If a person doesn't have what it really takes for it to fall under something being within the concept of RACK, I'm not going to encourage them to do it. I never cease to be amazed how many people want to do things when they have no grasp of the concept of how STIs are transmitted or don't have any idea about blood born pathogens. That kind of ignorance is on them.

I don't really consider Myself obligated to do anything unless it relates to a commitment that I have chosen to make. Otherwise, I have free will about how much I'm going to invest in another person's education. That's coming from a leather person who believes that educational opportunities should be available, which doesn't necessarily mean I'm the person that's going to be educating. I'll teach darn near anybody anything that they want to learn in person. I'm not nearly as big on it via the net.

quote:

And lastly, to what extent to individual BDSM practitioners have a responsibility to break down stereotypes in the wider world? Do we each owe it to the community to bring BDSM into a positive light on a wider scale?

I don't feel like I'm on a crusade or anything like that. There are going to be some non kinky folks who have a sincere interest in learning the difference between fact and fiction. Others won't. I'd probably fit more into the category of non kinky people coming to us than us trying to initiate the subjects with non kinky people.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/10/2014 10:55:47 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
I occasionally see someone express the opinion that since BDSM is outside the mainstream and regarded poorly by society in general (or has been until fairly recently) we should appreciate the fact that we are outsiders and welcome other outsiders with open arms. The theory goes that since we ourselves have not been accepted by some, we should be ultra-accepting and less judgmental of the world in general. Who agrees with this?


I've never understand why I should have to accept a flaming asshat with open arms simply because we share an interest.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/10/2014 11:07:07 AM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I've never understand why I should have to accept a flaming asshat with open arms simply because we share an interest.



There's a lot of truth in this. As I think about it, I probably share much more with a vanilla liberally minded person than I would with some tea party supporter who happened to enjoy BDSM. I guess at the end of the day, we are each and every one of us part of many different communities. And therefore any responsibility towards any given community always has to be tempered by the other communities to which we also belong. Your statement is so obvious on its face, but it is also very thought-provoking…..

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/10/2014 11:15:16 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Some fantastic and thorough replies here, so thank you all for that. As I expected, there's a pretty wide range of opinions - though interestingly, I have been surprised in one or two cases by which people held which views (not going to elaborate on that, draw your own conclusions).

I'm not going to address all the points made because most are pretty self explanatory and I found myself nodding along with most of them, even some which contradicted each other.

My own view is that other than generally trying to treat people nicely and give them a chance, we don't owe them anything because they share an interest in kink. I do think that people should point out risky or irresponsible behaviour when they see it - not to make decisions for other people but to hopefully provoke thought and encourage informed choices over ignorance.

I wanted to pick up on this one aspect:


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


I'm more the 'strictly enforced behavior' type than anything else when it comes to things like community play spaces. Grab somebody's left tit without that person's consent and I'd rather see you not welcome back at that play space ever again. I'll gladly accept the label of elitist or cliquish if it comes to that. Some things should be a one strike and you're out policy.




I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying here. I'd like to take it a bit further if I may. I think most people would be in agreement that non-consensual contact shouldn't be tolerated, but what about lower level behaviours?

If I may use collarchat as an example because we're all familiar with it. From time to time people will come in here and act in a way that is against the board's culture. For example, telling/asking for masturbation fantasies, or using their first post to inform people they're doing things wrong. This generally gets a negative reaction - in a way, the regular posters are enforcing their own unwritten code of behaviour. Some people feel very strongly that this is wrong and cruel and elitist. Opinions? I would guess a similar sort of thing plays itself out in most local communities, perhaps in a more subtle way. Should we be more willing to overlook these things in order to welcome people who already feel like outsiders?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/10/2014 11:55:48 AM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Should we be more willing to overlook these things in order to welcome people who already feel like outsiders?


If I would consider something rude behavior, why would being on this forum change that? I think any community will have its standards for interaction, and that the community should be allowed to enforce those standards. (by this I am not condoning treating newcomers in a rude or harsh manner, but simply informing them of the standards on the site). I have never felt on this site that the community came down on someone inappropriately (meaning enforcing an unnecessary rule). Of course, sometimes the community can be harsh in the way it communicates its standards - which is a slightly separate issue.

It is possible to have and enforce certain minimum standards of behavior AND still be welcoming to newcomers….

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/10/2014 2:42:54 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Should we be more willing to overlook these things in order to welcome people who already feel like outsiders?


If I would consider something rude behavior, why would being on this forum change that? I think any community will have its standards for interaction, and that the community should be allowed to enforce those standards. (by this I am not condoning treating newcomers in a rude or harsh manner, but simply informing them of the standards on the site). I have never felt on this site that the community came down on someone inappropriately (meaning enforcing an unnecessary rule). Of course, sometimes the community can be harsh in the way it communicates its standards - which is a slightly separate issue.

It is possible to have and enforce certain minimum standards of behavior AND still be welcoming to newcomers….

Many good opinions here, so no need for me to repeat them all. When I was a newcomer - not that I'm not still one - I lurked on the forums for a few days and was at first taken aback by a few abrasive comments and snarkiness. It took me a little while to realize everybody has their own posting style, and that issues of genuine concern were treated seriously and respectfully. When I start hearing OPs try to take others along on their b.s. train, I'll admit that this tries my patience and I'm not apt to have much tolerance. The ones who start off with a sincere concern, then immediately take offense or start getting defensive, don't do so well. Nor would they in a real-life setting. Then there are those who are just clueless and need to be educated. I don't speak much differently in a posting as I do in person or in my other personal communications. I can be sympathetic and helpful, but I also can take a no-nonsense approach. I don't believe in feeding anyone's delusions. That doesn't do anybody any good.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 6:48:28 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr
....
Acceptance is another issue, altogether.
<snip>
I do not engage in nor agree with a lot of things that I see in the "BDSM community" but, there are plenty of others that do.

.... I also find myself extending extra effort to engage people that are more D/s-driven and not really into BDSM activity (I don't think we're overly accepted, either).

In terms of a BDSM community, I can take it or leave it. There are useful gatherings (munches) and transitional opportunities for newcomers, don't get me wrong. Those who need to be instructed in safety precautions should avail themselves of every resource possible.

None of this would apply to me because I'm not BDSM-centric. I can relate to what you're saying, that D/s can get bastardized within this BDSM-oriented counter-culture.
Single (or not) Dominants and self-proclaimed Masters who are really just kinky-horny Tops playing the role of a Dominant.
Single (or not) submissives and self-proclaimed slaves who are really just kinky-horny bottoms playing the role of a submissive.
If I had to put a number on it, I would estimate roughly 95% of male "submissives" are actually bottoms with "subfever." I'm being generous. The number could be closer to 97-98%.
Those D/s-M/s couples in longstanding relationships are excluded from this calculation.

I can't speak for poly households whatsoever, nor for open marriages. But I would imagine it's harder for a Dom who isn't overly kinky (?) to find a submissive female partner who isn't primarily seeking BDSM play.

[Edited to fix quote]

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 3/29/2014 6:55:59 PM >

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 7:07:57 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I've never understand why I should have to accept a flaming asshat with open arms simply because we share an interest.



There's a lot of truth in this. As I think about it, I probably share much more with a vanilla liberally minded person than I would with some tea party supporter who happened to enjoy BDSM. I guess at the end of the day, we are each and every one of us part of many different communities. And therefore any responsibility towards any given community always has to be tempered by the other communities to which we also belong. Your statement is so obvious on its face, but it is also very thought-provoking…..


The words above tend to sum up my feelings quite well. One very small facet of a whole of a person does not create any sort of commonality that I am going to feel makes us part of a happy little 'family'.

To be honest, I've realized I am a pretty fucking selfish woman. I've spent the largest part of my almost 52 years making everyone else in my life, and their well being, my priority. I don't need to do that, to the degree I have, any longer. I nurture the relationships that matter to me......because they matter to me. I don't feel any sense of greater responsibility to a larger community right now.

For me to spend time, money, energy.........on anything or anyone.......I am going to have to find some serious benefit in it for me and mine.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 7:19:44 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

In terms of a BDSM community, I can take it or leave it. There are useful gatherings (munches) and transitional opportunities for newcomers, don't get me wrong. Those who need to be instructed in safety precautions should avail themselves of every resource possible.

None of this would apply to me because I'm not BDSM-centric. I can relate to what you're saying, that D/s can get bastardized within this BDSM-oriented counter-culture.
Single (or not) Dominants and self-proclaimed Masters who are really just kinky-horny Tops playing the role of a Dominant.
Single (or not) submissives and self-proclaimed slaves who are really just kinky-horny bottoms playing the role of a submissive.
If I had to put a number on it, I would estimate roughly 95% of male "submissives" are actually bottoms with "subfever." I'm being generous. The number could be closer to 97-98%.
Those D/s-M/s couples in longstanding relationships are excluded from this calculation.

I can't speak for poly households whatsoever, nor for open marriages. But I would imagine it's harder for a Dom who isn't overly kinky (?) to find a submissive female partner who isn't primarily seeking BDSM play.



I think people who are tops or bottoms or both try to identify as submissive for a few of reasons.

1. They don't know the difference.
2. There's very much a dislike of people who only "play". It's portrayed in a very low way from "real" people. I've noticed that this site in particular has a very dim view of anyone who only "plays" rather than living it as their relationship style.
3. There is confusion about what labels mean. After all... labels are just labels. They don't have any meaning except the ones we collectively assign to them for communication. Different groups use these words differently. Gay men for example would use Sub and Dom in relation to only bedroom play because the words top and bottom have a VERY different meaning to them.
4. People want to seem more "real". Let's be honest: if you enjoy it, it's real for you. If that means bedroom only, that's real for you. If it means how you exert your sadism/masochism, that's real for you.

I have no problem saying that in this sense I'm 'only' a top & bottom switch. I have enough self-integrity and personal security to feel happy to say that. If I was speaking to other gay men, I'd probably say I was a dom/sub switch due to communication reasons.

Being honest is what's most important here. I do think, though, that as a culture we need to stop attacking people or looking down on them for being "less real" because that just breeds dishonesty and confusion for those looking for partners.


< Message edited by FightingChains -- 3/29/2014 7:23:14 PM >

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 7:26:45 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		The whole living it makes me laugh, I mean if a pipe leaks or a problem arises, both partners usually are busy fixing stuff, there isn't the sub kneeling down and asking for instructions or a snorkle because the water is rising, when push come to shove, you just do what needs to be done. The rest is just trimmings and individual preferences.

If people want to live 24/7, it's OK, just as it is OK if they don't, whatever works in a relationship, if it's not how it "should be" for somebody who actually doesn't have a relationship and only talks theoretically, uhhh, fine, but why would anybody let that influence the way their very real relationship actually works?

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 8:16:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains
I think people who are tops or bottoms or both try to identify as submissive for a few of reasons.

1. They don't know the difference.
2. There's very much a dislike of people who only "play". It's portrayed in a very low way from "real" people. I've noticed that this site in particular has a very dim view of anyone who only "plays" rather than living it as their relationship style.
3. There is confusion about what labels mean. After all... labels are just labels. They don't have any meaning except the ones we collectively assign to them for communication. Different groups use these words differently. Gay men for example would use Sub and Dom in relation to only bedroom play because the words top and bottom have a VERY different meaning to them.
4. People want to seem more "real". Let's be honest: if you enjoy it, it's real for you. If that means bedroom only, that's real for you. If it means how you exert your sadism/masochism, that's real for you.

I have no problem saying that in this sense I'm 'only' a top & bottom switch. I have enough self-integrity and personal security to feel happy to say that. If I was speaking to other gay men, I'd probably say I was a dom/sub switch due to communication reasons.

Being honest is what's most important here. I do think, though, that as a culture we need to stop attacking people or looking down on them for being "less real" because that just breeds dishonesty and confusion for those looking for partners.

This was a really good post, but I think it's important to add one thing.

Unless a person writes it (top/bottom/whatever) in their profile text, they don't exactly have a choice in the labels that the site provides. Most folks stumble onto the site when they are new and they are just picking the label from the drop down menu that they think is the closest one.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 8:57:36 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
This was a really good post, but I think it's important to add one thing.

Unless a person writes it (top/bottom/whatever) in their profile text, they don't exactly have a choice in the labels that the site provides. Most folks stumble onto the site when they are new and they are just picking the label from the drop down menu that they think is the closest one.
[/color]




Oh definitely. I do believe that the labels here are very boxy. Fetlife, for example, does a far better job of describing people like this.

If I was only a masochist, I'd have to choose "submissive" on this site even though if anyone knows me, they'll know this is SOOOO far from the truth. I'll fight and fight and fight and never submit (until I hit subspace which freaks me out a LOT) because my masochism fulfils my need for... heroic masculine endurance. The box of "bottom" would be far more appropriate, but it's not available here.

Perhaps something that the people running collarme.com could work on?


_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 9:04:17 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		or ya know, you could just put in your profile who you are and then actually talk to people about what you both seek.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 9:09:50 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains
Oh definitely. I do believe that the labels here are very boxy. Fetlife, for example, does a far better job of describing people like this.

If I was only a masochist, I'd have to choose "submissive" on this site even though if anyone knows me, they'll know this is SOOOO far from the truth. I'll fight and fight and fight and never submit (until I hit subspace which freaks me out a LOT) because my masochism fulfils my need for... heroic masculine endurance. The box of "bottom" would be far more appropriate, but it's not available here.

Perhaps something that the people running collarme.com could work on?

It's come up on a number of occasion for forum participants. I have no idea if the site has any interest in implementing it.

In just My opinion, there have been times when the play only folks get a bad wrap. So do folks who don't 'do' BDSM. (The non play folks.) I think that tends to hold true even when people are in full on relationships.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 9:11:16 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

or ya know, you could just put in your profile who you are and then actually talk to people about what you both seek.


Of course. I was more meaning, some people may come here and say "I'm a submissive" because that's the closest to what they felt out of the options provided, and then they get on their high horse here in the forums about "I'm a submissive" when heck, I'm anything but!

< Message edited by FightingChains -- 3/29/2014 9:12:44 PM >

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: BDSM and social responsibilty - 3/29/2014 10:30:32 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		so that's when they explain their situation and describe who they are. I can call myself a slave all day long on the forums but without explaining and describing my relationship with Master, being a slave can mean just about anything to different people as has been show on these forums.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: BDSM and social responsibilty Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125