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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 12:01:30 PM   
needingadvice


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/8/2014
Status: offline 		He said he was raised up catholic, and so he was denying himself who he is, because he was taught throughout his whole life it's wrong. He wasn't misleading me, he just didn't know. He's about my age, and people my age usually don't know who they are entirely.

While I don't agree with him making me wait to hear back from him on whether or not he still wants to be with me, he should have thought things through before, so I wouldn't have to play the waiting game...I love him enough to wait. He needs somebody in his life right now who understands him, and I want to be there for him, for as long as he wants me there...

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 12:19:20 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		How old is that, exactly?

If he didn't know any of these things three months ago, what happened to cause this epiphany? I'd find it easier to understand if these things had come about gradually one at a time, but these are massive and drastic changes in an extremely short space of time. So something must have prompted this total re-evaluation of who he is.

People might not know entirely who they are at a young age, but they don't generally discover overnight that they are gay, trans or submissive. They usually have suspicions for a long, long time before.

Anyway, it sounds like you have made up your mind. You are taking his word for it that these revelations came out of nowhere and you are going to stand by him. This is all fine, totally your decision. Just make sure you don't forget about your own needs in the mean time. At the moment it sounds like you are last priority after all of these other explorations he wants to go through. Remember that being supportive doesn't mean accepting a relationship that doesn't fulfill you.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to needingadvice)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 12:25:54 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needingadvice

He said he was raised up catholic, and so he was denying himself who he is, because he was taught throughout his whole life it's wrong. He wasn't misleading me, he just didn't know. He's about my age, and people my age usually don't know who they are entirely.

While I don't agree with him making me wait to hear back from him on whether or not he still wants to be with me, he should have thought things through before, so I wouldn't have to play the waiting game...I love him enough to wait. He needs somebody in his life right now who understands him, and I want to be there for him, for as long as he wants me there...

There are many who were raised as Catholic, Mormon, Evangelist, Protestant, Atheist, Agnostic... yada yada yada.
I don't view that as anything more than just rouse, a smokescreen, an excuse for either not knowing or being deliberately deceitful.
Many on here that gave you advice come from many different religions and backgrounds and have lived a varied set of lives.

You asked for advice, we have given you our wisdom, FWIW.
If you choose to ignore the words of wisdom, that is your perogative.
But from your last post, it would appear you've already made your mind up before you even asked the question.
While it is a noble action for you to wait for him to sort himself out, do you honestly feel it is worth putting your life on hold just on the small off-chance that he'll turn out to be what you want him to be??
Because from your description, he isn't going to turn out that way or even anything close to it.
Personally, I wouldn't. But hey.... it's your life and your choice. Live with it.

It reminds me of something my mother said many years ago....
You made your bed, now go lay in it. Don't come to me with problems of your own making.



ETA: Just thought I would enhance this bit from Athena because it is sooo important -
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Remember that being supportive doesn't mean accepting a relationship that doesn't fulfill you.




< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 3/9/2014 12:30:45 PM >

(in reply to needingadvice)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 12:27:06 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I would be willing to remain his friend, but not his Domme or girlfriend.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 12:36:56 PM   
needingadvice


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/8/2014
Status: offline 		He just turned 22. I'm turning 24 in June.

A major part of me doesn't want to let him go, because I do trust him, and I know he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me...and he makes me laugh, and I can just forget about the world when I'm with him. I'm afraid I won't ever find somebody like that again...

So you're right...I guess I did decide on things before I even asked the question.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 12:44:49 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needingadvice

He just turned 22. I'm turning 24 in June.

A major part of me doesn't want to let him go, because I do trust him, and I know he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me...and he makes me laugh, and I can just forget about the world when I'm with him. I'm afraid I won't ever find somebody like that again...

So you're right...I guess I did decide on things before I even asked the question.

How can you trust someone that is making such sweeping and dramatic changes to their lifestyle?
As kali said, by all means be his friend and support him.
But.... you need to get on with your life as well.

And your fear of never finding someone like him again is nonsense and unreal.
It's just like "the first true love" - we all look back on it in hindsight as lust, not love.
I can guarantee that you will find someone better suited.
This is what we are advising you.

(in reply to needingadvice)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 12:52:47 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I think it's fantastic that this person feels comfortable enough within himself and with you to be making all these serious life affirming changes. That's the good news.

The bad news creeps in when you have to wonder where all these changes are going to stop. From straight male dom to cd and possible tg sub is a huge distance in three months. Although I agree with some others that all this has been percolating far longer.

It is very poosible for you to have served as a catalyst for all these changes. And why not. I don't *necessarily* think he's a liar or deceptive.

I do think he's going through too many changes to make good relationship material, and that's different. Let's get real here, right NOW he's talking a possible sex change and then he might not even want a girlfriend at all, not just you as a girlfriend.

I agree with Kalikshama, keep him as a friend if you can, but back off from having a romantic relationship, at least for now.

_____________________________



(in reply to needingadvice)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 1:21:56 PM   
pg4g


Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline 		This thread makes me feel guilty as. I took control of my vanilla relationship for so long, it took my 3-4 years to tell him I was into BDSM in a bottoming role, and only last Christmas did I tell him I'm a switch. I was afraid he'd be seriously scared as hell of my sadistic streak.

Sometimes we're not comfortable with parts of ourselves, and we keep them quiet to try to protect those we care about. It's wrong but humans do it.

He may:
- Be afraid he'll lose you if he's completely honest.
- Be afraid you won't be ok with exploring it, and prefer not to tell you rather than face that fact.
- Honestly not know parts of himself. Living in denial, religious or otherwise, is tough to break, and there's a lot to work out.

His worst fear would probably be losing you. And that is a risk. But speak, accept, try to get him to put everything he knows about himself out on the table so you can both work out how to proceed. Being comfortable that you don't judge anything and that you're just trying to do the best thing for everyone will make it easier to get everything out in the open. Oh, and if you have any big secrets, now would be the chance to show him too.

_____________________________

Switching: the best of both worlds.

It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. - Rocky Balboa

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 3:26:12 PM   
shadowborn61


Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pg4g

This thread makes me feel guilty as. I took control of my vanilla relationship for so long, it took my 3-4 years to tell him I was into BDSM in a bottoming role, and only last Christmas did I tell him I'm a switch. I was afraid he'd be seriously scared as hell of my sadistic streak.

Sometimes we're not comfortable with parts of ourselves, and we keep them quiet to try to protect those we care about. It's wrong but humans do it.

He may:
- Be afraid he'll lose you if he's completely honest.
- Be afraid you won't be ok with exploring it, and prefer not to tell you rather than face that fact.
- Honestly not know parts of himself. Living in denial, religious or otherwise, is tough to break, and there's a lot to work out.

His worst fear would probably be losing you. And that is a risk. But speak, accept, try to get him to put everything he knows about himself out on the table so you can both work out how to proceed. Being comfortable that you don't judge anything and that you're just trying to do the best thing for everyone will make it easier to get everything out in the open. Oh, and if you have any big secrets, now would be the chance to show him too.

^^^^^
This a thousand times this

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 3:51:25 PM   
DomJohnnyVII


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/8/2014
Status: offline 		H, I like what your wrote regarding fear in a BDSM relationship, I have had long time in relationships before I revealed myself.
Right now even though I am a Dom, my ex girl friend Ms Lori who I still spend time with and knows all of my fears and sexual enjoyments, is my real time Dominatrix Mistress, I am her slave.

(in reply to shadowborn61)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 4:05:19 PM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		As a guy who was probably where he is at that age, i can say none of this is new. I did not have the internet to find like minded people. I thought I was a freak, I had to fight it. I was also raised Catholic. It took me to the age of 35 to tell another person about my other side. I hid it. I fought it. I have thrown away and reaquired several closets full if lingerie. It is a terrifying prospect to tell someone alse about it.

It is very possible that you are the first person he has ever revealed his other self to. I can't tell you what to do here. But I understand why all this would not be revealed earlier. I think some serious, lay it all out there, no BS conversations are in order. Then you can decide what is right for you.

_____________________________

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

(in reply to DomJohnnyVII)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 4:54:57 PM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		My first marriage ended after I found gay porn...

After getting 'caught'? The hubby (we'd been married 10 years at that point) admitted to being bi-curious. A couple of days later, he admitted to being bi. Within a week he'd admitted to being gay AND to knowing it since he was a little boy.

OP, I suspect your friend has not had that huge an epiphany in three months. I don't think someone who is that new to the ideas in his head would immediately be contemplating a sex change.

I know you want to believe him, believe me, I know. However, don't let what you want the truth to be cloud your judgment as to what it really is.


< Message edited by SlipSlidingAway -- 3/9/2014 5:00:33 PM >

_____________________________

"...ethical behavior should be based...on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. " —Albert Einstein

(in reply to KYsissy)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 4:55:14 PM   
noonoo


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/25/2009
Status: offline 		I'm not going to comment on your partner. But just say that in my experience and on separate occasions, I have met and become friendly with two male submissives who had been very frustrated in that they could not find a domme. Both, but one of them in particular tried very hard to get me to agree to 'dom' him, and in return he would dom me back. I am a submissive and feel incapable of domming anyone, but part of me did feel for both of these people, and I did understand their need but was just unable. I do feel that with both of these guys, that in the end it would have been me doing the domming all the time, fulfilling their needs and not my own, and getting stuck in some kind of relationship that was not what I really wanted, and my true self being unfulfilled. I wonder if finding and befriending a female submissive by a male submissive (no matter the guise it comes under), then using her very own nature of wanting to please some one, is a selfish way to get his needs fulfilled at the expense of hers.

(in reply to KYsissy)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 6:03:52 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needingadvice
I just don't know if I'm enough for him...

This is the core issue. Everything else is pervy bells and whistles.

What kind of reassurance would you need to know that you are enough for him? Is that something he is willing or able to provide you? Or are the two of you interested in opening your relationship, so you don't need to be enough for him, you just need to be special to him and loved by him?

He'll be sexually confused as long as he is -- maybe for his whole life. But regardless of where he's at, does he think you are enough for him?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to needingadvice)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/10/2014 9:36:23 AM   
Domnotlooking


Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		I smell a calculated bait and switch on his part. Do you? It sure sounds like you do.

In which case, your trust has been abused and probably will not be returning.

I've heard many times over the years from sub women who were sold a domly bill of goods and then slowly were left to twist in the wind with various shoe-droppings.

I sympathize with the dearth of romantic partners for sub guys, but this is the relationship equivalent of claiming to be six foot two in your personal ad and then needing a high chair when you show up for the blind date at TGI Friday's.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/10/2014 9:51:21 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needingadvice

I know he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me...


I'm sorry, but after 3 months, you don't know that.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to needingadvice)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/10/2014 9:59:57 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

I smell a calculated bait and switch on his part. Do you? It sure sounds like you do.

In which case, your trust has been abused and probably will not be returning.

I've heard many times over the years from sub women who were sold a domly bill of goods and then slowly were left to twist in the wind with various shoe-droppings.

I sympathize with the dearth of romantic partners for sub guys, but this is the relationship equivalent of claiming to be six foot two in your personal ad and then needing a high chair when you show up for the blind date at TGI Friday's.

OMG, you had to go there.... I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't specify a minimum height of 6' tall in my profile just so the guy turns out to be taller than I am! And I don't mean while I'm wearing heels.

I really do sympathize with guys who are conflicted and have been hiding aspects of their sexuality much of their lives. But baiting and switching is never cool. How would you like it if you were a breast man, and you later discover those were chicken cutlets stuffed into a woman's push-up bra--not with a variance of one cup size but a visual D turning out to be an A? The same could be said for a guy stuffing a balled-up sock down his crotch. Of course, the absolute worst deception would be discovering that the woman you thought was a woman...was in fact a man (unless you are OP's boyfriend, naturally).

Going by the odds, it's safe to assume most switches you encounter will not only be predominantly submissive, but possibly bisexual as well or else bi-curious. And someone made a great point. Just because you're bisexual, needingadvice, doesn't mean you have to accept a partner who is, if you want an exclusive committed relationship. Along the same lines, why settle for being a service Top if that's not your heart's desire? Your partner has told you in no uncertain terms not to count on having a future with him, and in manspeak he is informing you that you are being used. If he were professing his love for you, I could see why you'd be in denial, but he isn't. It's your choice to make, and only you know whether you can detach yourself emotionally to continue playing with him without getting hurt.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Domnotlooking)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/10/2014 10:18:39 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needingadvice

I know he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me...and he makes me laugh

That describes a LOT of men. At least potentially.

Go date. Make a lot of friends. Let time be your friend. Better things await. And better men.

(in reply to needingadvice)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/10/2014 2:48:22 PM   
pg4g


Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
Going by the odds, it's safe to assume most switches you encounter will not only be predominantly submissive, but possibly bisexual as well or else bi-curious.


Lol I must be against the odds! I tend 60/40 towards dom, and 100% gay.

Love being the weird one here!

_____________________________

Switching: the best of both worlds.

It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. - Rocky Balboa

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/10/2014 3:17:08 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pg4g

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

Going by the odds, it's safe to assume most switches you encounter will not only be predominantly submissive, but possibly bisexual as well or else bi-curious.

Lol I must be against the odds! I tend 60/40 towards dom, and 100% gay.

Love being the weird one here!

Yes, you are truly exceptional, amigo. But you knew that already.

I haven't known any gay switches, other than fleeting contact with a European gay switch who leans towards being top-heavy also.
An on-line lesbian friend told me she has hooked up with a couple bi female subs before who were sometimes switchy with males.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 40
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