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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 4:39:42 PM

pg4g

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

To me, when I see "top" or "bottom" it implies casual play, not a committed relationship. An example would be scenes LP does at times. She tops someone who enjoys her sadism as a bottom. She isn't their dominant and has no control over that person beyond the scene.

I get that many say that is the same as a bedroom dynamic where outside the bedroom there is no D/s, but because they are in a committed relationship, the terms top and bottom don't fit for me.

I would also add that referring to topping and bottoming in this context seems to suggest that people are just "playing at it" and it isn't really being dominated or dominating. There's a sense, especially around on this board, that the person spoken to is somehow less real and it's all a kinky little game to them, and they actually have no real needs.

Then again, I'm a switch, so I am already playing at it, right?

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 8:50:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I think there's a whole spectrum, from people that are quite literally only dominant in the bedroom, to people that want a complete d/s dynamic all of the time.

Speaking for myself, I'm somewhere in the middle... all of my relationships have a thread of d/s that is ever present, but the level of intensity waxes and wanes according to the situation. In pretty much all of my relationships they've appeared completely equal to the outside world.

As other, smarter than me, posters have already pointed out - the key is that you establish a dynamic that works for you.

So, if you come across someone who wants to overtly dictate every aspect of your life, then they're not for you, that doesn't mean they're wrong in that desire, just that it's not a great match with yours.

In a bizarre, and perhaps controversial for some, way I reckon that "equality" lies at the heart of every healthy relationship - Not equality of power (because every relationship finds a balance of power) but in terms of the idea that both parties have an equal right to find fulfilment in the relationship.

Per bolding, you have put your finger on the pulse of what I haven't found easy to explain concisely and yet define in comprehensive terms. This is one reason why I've never felt comfortable using the term TPE-Total Power Exchange, and find myself almost always dropping the "T." I've had a bedroom Mistress/sub relationship dynamic before, but outside of the bedroom, we basically functioned in a more egalitarian fashion.... Other than I want final say-so, not as a matter of pride or ego, but because after careful deliberation, I'm able to chart the best course in steering what direction the partnership should take. I also know that I'm humble enough to accept expert advice and to recognize my strengths and weaknesses.

Elsewhere I read something DarkSteven had advised that I thought was prudent. If you're just starting out with a D/s dynamic, give yourself roughly one year from being a sub to calling yourself a slave. By extension, don't try to plunge right into 24/7/365. You might find that being more than a bedroom submissive is outside your lifestyle comfort zone, and that TPE is asking too much of you, too demanding or taxing to live up to. You won't be doing anybody any favors, much less yourself, if such a life of service to another doesn't feel joyful and uplifting.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 8:54:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelgirlsubmiss

Masters, is it possible for you to be dominant in the bedroom only and equal outside of it? Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

LOL yes, absolutely. Especially in the context of a relationship.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/16/2014 9:06:01 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyML
In a bizarre, and perhaps controversial for some, way I reckon that "equality" lies at the heart of every healthy relationship - Not equality of power (because every relationship finds a balance of power) but in terms of the idea that both parties have an equal right to find fulfilment in the relationship.

CrazyML,
Rights and equality are not the words I'd choose.

BecomingV,
Good post. I disagree with a lot of it but you make some good points.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingV

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

The title Master implies a power exchange outside the bedroom as well. Otherwise, what has he mastered?

When a man has set upon himself, the task of mastering a woman's body in a sexual way, and then he succeeds, he has indeed become her Master.

Being able to make a woman orgasm does not make a person a master in my eyes, anymore than having an orgasm would make someone a slave.

quote:

when he's become the source of her deepest pleasure, that woman will do absolutely anything for him.

That description applies to crack whores as well.

quote:

Sexual mastery is a rare, superpower. It matters.

A healthy sex life matters and orgasms are important for both parties, but making a woman orgasm doesn't make you a superhero.

quote:

ETA - IMO, mastery attained via sexual pleasure is the most challenging of all ways to attain mastery.

What you are attaining would probably be something different to what I would call 'Mastery'... Although there are many things at play here, and no doubt a lot that are common to both.

quote:

So, it's important to understand the difference between domination and mastery.

I agree, could you give your definition for both of them?

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 3/16/2014 9:07:33 AM >

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/16/2014 9:31:14 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Masters, is it possible for you to be dominant in the bedroom only and equal outside of it? Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

Oh, boy. There are different relationships and different dynamics, and each one has a different label.

Per MY definition, a Master/slave relationship takes place in the bedroom AND out of it. However, there are plenty of relationships exactly as you described, where the man Tops and the woman bottoms in the bedroom and they are equals outside, but I wouldn't call them master/slave.

My recommendation is to get the relationships that works for the two of you, and worry about the labels later.

Edited to add: OMG. You've been a member for ten years, and you just made your very first posts! Cool! Welcome to the forums!

I was going to respond to the OP, something along the lines of "technically yes, but you'll find it lacking," but I like Steven's response better, so just going to share it for emphasis.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/16/2014 12:07:17 PM

MasterRobert007

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelgirlsubmiss

Masters, is it possible for you to be dominant in the bedroom only and equal outside of it? Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

A true and experienced Master is dominant inside and outside of the bedroom.

(in reply to angelgirlsubmiss)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/16/2014 12:57:08 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterRobert007

A true and experienced Master is dominant inside and outside of the bedroom.

(in reply to MasterRobert007)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/16/2014 1:02:55 PM

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From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterRobert007

A true and experienced Master is dominant inside and outside of the bedroom.

Really KA? That is not healthy! We wouldn't want THIS to happen!

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/16/2014 1:13:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

Really KA? That is not healthy! We wouldn't want THIS to happen!

Don't you just love it when the most feeble examples of a group of people espouse the one true way for everyone else's edification? Lot of that going on here today...

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/16/2014 1:42:44 PM

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From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

Really KA? That is not healthy! We wouldn't want THIS to happen!

Don't you just love it when the most feeble examples of a group of people espouse the one true way for everyone else's edification? Lot of that going on here today...

I blame the moon.

Jus sayin
Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Killerangel)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/16/2014 4:23:51 PM

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Joined: 10/3/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelgirlsubmiss

Masters, is it possible for you to be dominant in the bedroom only and equal outside of it? Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

It is absolutely possible to be in a loving relationship of equal partners and enjoy a bedroom D/s relationship. I had a monogamous in the closet D/s relationship that lasted for over 25 years. In a house full of kids. It kept the fires burning and was our secret.

(in reply to angelgirlsubmiss)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/22/2014 6:56:49 AM

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I find that what starts out in the bedroom inevitably spills outside of it, organically and in it's own time. Obviously, that process should be consensual and subject to some talking about.

For me, it's like a dial. The bedroom is where it's turned up to a Spinal Tap-esque 11, when we're just watching TV, the low hum of a 1 is fine -tho, I may ask her to take her pants and underwear off during Storage Wars from time to time to bring it back up to a 3.

If she consistently balks at my dial turning -which is always done with great consideration for her boundaries and moods, if it's just a kinky role play deal like they talk about in Cosmo magazine. then no, a woman like that is probably be the wrong romantic partner for me.

< Message edited by Domnotlooking -- 3/22/2014 7:12:59 AM >

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/22/2014 7:22:04 AM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelgirlsubmiss

Thank you, I have been getting conflicting answers :)

That's because there's no hard and true answer-they are just speaking from their own personal POV. Most people will define a bedroom only dominant as a Top (And the OP a bottom), whereas a Master is seen as having control in and out of the boudoir.
The correct response, always, whenever anyone gets all one true way-esque with you, is

Attachment (1)

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/22/2014 1:54:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

I find that what starts out in the bedroom inevitably spills outside of it, organically and in it's own time. Obviously, that process should be consensual and subject to some talking about.
<snip>

You're right about that, and it can work both ways, or it can work in reverse in some cases.

Thanks for keeping me honest, in terms of what I'd posted before.

As I look back in retrospect, I was already leaning towards bossiness - in an endearingly seamless way - and making the bulk of the decisions in my marriage. We had an equitable distribution of responsibility and division of household tasks. While shopping, I made the selections, and he was my go-fer. He brought in the bags and I put them away in their appropriate spots, according to my system. I let him throw a couple of approved snacks into the cart. (He might have had to pick out the granola bars as one of his lunch snacks instead of the Little Debbie's.) He had input on where we took our family vacations (no, we're not camping out in a tent--we'll stay in a cabin), but I decided where we would go, what kind of place we would stay, and then he did the MapQuest, booked our lodgings on line, and did the driving. Anyway, you get the picture.

I didn't used to look at my intimate relationships as D/s, TPE, partial PE, bedroom-this or bedroom-that. They just were what they were, with me taking charge. And having lots of hot, steamy sex.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Domnotlooking)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/22/2014 4:28:25 PM

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< Message edited by FightingChains -- 3/22/2014 4:33:53 PM >

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/23/2014 5:41:49 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

I find that what starts out in the bedroom inevitably spills outside of it, organically and in it's own time. Obviously, that process should be consensual and subject to some talking about.

For me, it's like a dial. The bedroom is where it's turned up to a Spinal Tap-esque 11, when we're just watching TV, the low hum of a 1 is fine -tho, I may ask her to take her pants and underwear off during Storage Wars from time to time to bring it back up to a 3.

If she consistently balks at my dial turning -which is always done with great consideration for her boundaries and moods, if it's just a kinky role play deal like they talk about in Cosmo magazine. then no, a woman like that is probably be the wrong romantic partner for me.

I lived a part time bedroom D/s life with my equal life partner for over 20 years without a problem. We had a three night a week-eight hour bedroom slave contract. Like most couples we talked sexy outside of sessions but never discussed or practiced BDSM. It worked for us because we knew what we wanted and lived within our agreed boundaries. Eight hours-three nights a week was a maximum limit hardly ever reached but D/s did keep the fire burning.

(in reply to Domnotlooking)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/23/2014 5:55:07 AM

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quote:

I find that what starts out in the bedroom inevitably spills outside of it, organically and in it's own time.

Perhaps with you :)

My (now ex) husband and I confined kink to the bedroom. Within our property, we each had our own domains - he had the cars, lawn, and repairs, I had everything else, and there were no D/s flavors.

I was more extroverted than he, so I was always the social director. The outside-the-bedroom dominant men I've been with always take control of this part.

(in reply to Domnotlooking)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/23/2014 6:30:43 AM

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Yeah, I personally haven't had any interest in pulling any dominance out of the bedroom. We feel really comfortable as equals outside. The relationship works. Something goes BDSM or sexual? Dominance and submission kick into high gear. It's very natural for us to revv into it like that, and then just as naturally relax back into equality.

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/23/2014 4:45:16 PM

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Yeah, obviously I am only offering the benefit of my own unique experience for others to compare/contrast against.

As my wife often says -only semi-kidding- "Spank my ass and make me do stuff"

Works for us, though I usually like to make her say it again and add "please".

(in reply to FightingChains)

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