Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid...

Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (Full Version)

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fluffyprincess -> Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 12:56:29 AM)
So the guy who I met from Collarme...yeah, wouldn't have ever worked out. Because I was sacrificing who I was to make the relationship work, (like trying, and failing, to be the dom in the relationship for him, when I am a sub)...and he wasn't wanting to do anything to make the relationship work, at all. I was trying to make it work, because I was too caught up in a fantasy world, where first relationships can end up being the Happy Ever After relationship...when that is so not the case. Everybody goes through BS relationships before they get to the relationship they're meant to be in. I'm not an exception to that rule... Also, we did get back together one last time on 17th of January...and stayed together until March 10th. But...he did make sure to take my virginity, after he told me he loved me, on Valentine's Day...yeah, then break up with me March 10th... Complete dick. But, it is my fault. I should have listened to all of you smart people to not get back together with him...because if I did, I'd still be a virgin...something that was important for me to hold onto. So...anyways...I did take up somebodies suggestion for OkCupid, because I don't want to be single...and so I am talking to a guy who seems pretty nice. His morals seem to be in with what I'd like (a gentleman, really), is in the head space for a relationship as his last one was 2 years ago... He hasn't had a chance to try out BDSM...because he's never been in a relationship where she would be interested in it. But...he is wanting to try it out, and he wouldn't mind being the dom. :D Seeing as I'm not too experienced in BDSM either, we could both learn together...shrugs I'd prefer it...as I'd be too intimidated, and feel like it's no fun, if my dom already knew everything...and didn't leave anything for us to learn/experience together... We seem to get along great online, he really can't stop texting me...and he really wants to meet me. lol. Not for the sex either, as he hasn't asked me about my physical description...(I did include a full body pic on OkCupid, so there wouldn't be any questions for proof of my size or anything)...and he has said that sex without a relationship is meaningless. He seems to be a great guy...but I'm not wanting to meet him too soon...I want to give it a few weeks of talking online before meeting in person...just to get to know him a bit more, to take away some feeling of meeting a stranger...so I can feel somewhat excited when I do meet him, you know? But...I won't get too excited for this one to work out perfectly either...I'll just take it day by day...and if it works out, it works out...if it doesn't, then oh well. I'll just try to appreciate the good memories (if there are any).

MisterP61 -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 4:08:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fluffyprincess So the guy who I met from Collarme...yeah, wouldn't have ever worked out. Because I was sacrificing who I was to make the relationship work, (like trying, and failing, to be the dom in the relationship for him, when I am a sub)...and he wasn't wanting to do anything to make the relationship work, at all. I was trying to make it work, because I was too caught up in a fantasy world, where first relationships can end up being the Happy Ever After relationship...when that is so not the case. Everybody goes through BS relationships before they get to the relationship they're meant to be in. I'm not an exception to that rule... Also, we did get back together one last time on 17th of January...and stayed together until March 10th. But...he did make sure to take my virginity, after he told me he loved me, on Valentine's Day...yeah, then break up with me March 10th... Complete dick. But, it is my fault. I should have listened to all of you smart people to not get back together with him...because if I did, I'd still be a virgin...something that was important for me to hold onto. So...anyways...I did take up somebodies suggestion for OkCupid, because I don't want to be single...and so I am talking to a guy who seems pretty nice. His morals seem to be in with what I'd like (a gentleman, really), is in the head space for a relationship as his last one was 2 years ago... He hasn't had a chance to try out BDSM...because he's never been in a relationship where she would be interested in it. But...he is wanting to try it out, and he wouldn't mind being the dom. :D Seeing as I'm not too experienced in BDSM either, we could both learn together...shrugs I'd prefer it...as I'd be too intimidated, and feel like it's no fun, if my dom already knew everything...and didn't leave anything for us to learn/experience together... We seem to get along great online, he really can't stop texting me...and he really wants to meet me. lol. Not for the sex either, as he hasn't asked me about my physical description...(I did include a full body pic on OkCupid, so there wouldn't be any questions for proof of my size or anything)...and he has said that sex without a relationship is meaningless. He seems to be a great guy...but I'm not wanting to meet him too soon...I want to give it a few weeks of talking online before meeting in person...just to get to know him a bit more, to take away some feeling of meeting a stranger...so I can feel somewhat excited when I do meet him, you know? But...I won't get too excited for this one to work out perfectly either...I'll just take it day by day...and if it works out, it works out...if it doesn't, then oh well. I'll just try to appreciate the good memories (if there are any). First off, I am sorry this happened to you from the "man" from CM. The quotations are there because in My mind he is a boy, and boys like him make men like Myself look like jackasses. I understand your desire to not be single, but please do not let that color or alter what exactly you want from a relationship. you are young and there really is no reason to rush into something and settle. I highlighted that one phrase for a reason. Why would you think this? Wouldn't you both be learning each other for the first time? No two bottoms/subs I have played with in a BDSM type of way has ever reacted the same. Limits are different, pain tolerances are different, wants and desires are different. Every person I play with I learn something from them. I learn their body language for one, as well as what implements they prefer, which ones are hard limits, and which ones are soft limits that can be explored either then or at a later date. What I do not get to learn is the subtle nuances that and actual owned sub are about. I have never had that yet (self imposed because of My work in the Army), but soon I will. A lot of Dominants will say the same thing. There are benefits to both types... new submissives are like a block of clay, and We get to mold and shape you into the type of submissive you do not know you are yet. The more experienced ones also offer benefits in that there are some things you don't have to teach them, but then again, there are the habits of "well, my previous Master...". Truth be told I am not sure which one I will be looking for when I get to My next, and thankfully, last duty station before I retire. What I do know is, the process will take a lot of time. I have a major disadvantage in this area. I am married. My wife, who is also a Dominant and a very regular poster here, will always be My Alpha. It is easier for Her to find Her boys, for one because She definitely has more experience then I, and because more submissive males are ok with the fact that She is married. We do nothing behind each others back. I do not Dominate Her submissives, nor would She dominate Mine. Like I stated to you in one of your earlier threads, I wish you all the luck in finding your One. you are young and have the rest of your life to grow into who you are... don't rush it. [:)]

Blonderfluff -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 4:50:38 AM)
Fluffy, sweetie. I've responded to both of your previous threads, and I'm not going to change my advice here. You need to spend some time alone. You seem to be very lonely, and you tend to RUSH right into things. Breathe... And don't be upset. Just keep reading. The guy you met on CM, I am assuming this is the guy that broke up with you because you didn't have anything in common, and all he wanted to talk about was video games. You got back together with him, and surprise, it didn't work. Of course it didn't. HE told you it wasn't going to!!!!! When someone shows you who they are, it's best to believe them. Im not even going to touch on giving him your virginity. It's over and done, and no use giving advice on that. But. You JUST split up with him, what, 10 days ago??? Do not jump right into "he is the one...I'll never be alone again" mode. You seem a very sweet girl, but a bit over eager and naive. You are creating a pattern here. A negative pattern, that will continue to repeat itself if you don't change it now. You are trying to get your life going. I totally get that. But it does NOT need to have a man in it. As far as the new guy you are talking with. One comment struck me. "He wouldn't mind being the Dom. So. He's never felt a desire or need to D on his own? He is considering it for you ? Be careful here. He sounds like he is just figuring out what you wan to hear, and regurgitating it back to you. Bottom line. You seem to be jumping from one to another way too quickly. Define who you really are to YOURSELF. You can't even begin to define who you need in a partner until you know who YOU are, and from your posts, you are just trying to figure yourself out. That is a GOOD thing! Take your time doing it. Don't begin another relationship until you really know what is driving you to feel so lonely and needy.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 5:12:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff As far as the new guy you are talking with. One comment struck me. "He wouldn't mind being the Dom. So. He's never felt a desire or need to D on his own? He is considering it for you ? Be careful here. He sounds like he is just figuring out what you wan to hear, and regurgitating it back to you. She is absolutely right, listen to her here. quote: Bottom line. You seem to be jumping from one to another way too quickly. Define who you really are to YOURSELF. You can't even begin to define who you need in a partner until you know who YOU are, and from your posts, you are just trying to figure yourself out. That is a GOOD thing! Take your time doing it. Don't begin another relationship until you really know what is driving you to feel so lonely and needy. Again, she is right, you should listen to her. The beauty of the internet is no matter what you are looking for is out there. They way you bring what you're looking for closer to you, is to define who you are and what you are looking for. Make a list of "Wants" and "Needs", your "needs' are a must have that you will not surrender or compromise on. As simple as food, water, shelter, and as complex as kissing, cuddling, having your ass whipped with a flogger while singing happy birthday hanging upside down. Needs are needs, and they need to be made clear. "Wants" are the things you want, can live without, would rather not live without, but could. Ideally, you're wants and needs will have synergy with his. Some of your "wants" will be on his "needs" list, some his "wants" will be on your "needs" list. Checks and balances, and the best way to create that synergy is to have those things right up front for all to see. When the right D reads your wants and needs, and they are in synergy with his, you'll get mail and lots of it. "When the fox hears the rabbit screaming, he comes a running, but not to help." You've already had a run in with a despicable predator, not a dangerous one, but despicable no less. Vulnerability and desperation is the scream of the rabbit. Be very firm, specific, and clear in what you want, need, and are looking for and you'll deter a lot of the predators and attract the D you are looking for. Jus sayin Exiled

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 5:33:14 AM)
Yes, listen to Blonderfluff, she is wise. I am happy that you have found a potential match, but the 'wouldn't mind' being a dom stood out to me too. It sounds like you are upset from your break up (or annoyed with the guy, at least) and yet less than two weeks later you are pretty invested in the next guy. Anyway, good luck. I hope you have a great experience, whether or not he turns out to be the one. Just remember that you have value as a human being, even if you're not in a relationship.

KnightofMists -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 5:53:59 AM)
Yeah... Listen to the hot Blonde. I have always felt that the greatest love is when one is accepted and wanted for who you are and not what you do for them. I also think that is the best way to love another as well. Seems to me you want them to do what you need so you can love yourself. That is sad. Learn to love yourself for who you are and when you can love yourself, you are capable of truly loving another for who they are as well. Go to this site: http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu Write the test on character strengths. Find out those five things of your character that make you, you. It's only as start and you might want and go to the site from time to time and retake the test. You might find soft shifts over time. But generally it stays very much the same year after year. I been doing the test for over ten years now. My top strengths have almost consistently been.. Perspective (Wisdom), Bravery and valour, Capacity to love and be loved, Honesty, authenticity and genuineness, industry, diligence and perseverance. Whenever I am feeling down. I remind myself of my strengths of character. I remind myself I am worthy to be loved for who I am and shall love a person for who they are as well. It is not easy and I don't want you to think it is. But it is worth every effort when you can be in the arms of another and look into their eyes and feel loved for you and know you love them for them!

DaddySatyr -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 6:20:18 AM)
OKCupid is at least a kink-"tolerant" site. If you learn how to use the search feature correctly, you can find plenty of people that are into BDSM there. I would point out, though, that someone on this site suggested OKCupid means that you will find some cross-over, between the two. I know I have seen a few ladies from here over on OKCupid. If you want help with the search features there, drop me a line. You can find me on there as "Satyr64". Good luck,

Domnotlooking -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 6:52:24 AM)
I agree with the slow down caveats that others have suggested. That said, if it were me, I'd want to meet the nice guy as soon as I could. You can continue to maintain as much of a slow down pace after that as you like. If you feel that you can't, that you're just going to get swept away again, then you should probably put the mate-search on a high shelf for a while, consider talking to a therapist, and continue to gain knowledge and perspective here and from relationship books. You're a good person with a lot to offer and you should treat yourself with great care and respect -so that others will too.

kalikshama -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 7:53:06 AM)
quote: We seem to get along great online, he really can't stop texting me...and he really wants to meet me. lol. Not for the sex either, as he hasn't asked me about my physical description...(I did include a full body pic on OkCupid, so there wouldn't be any questions for proof of my size or anything)...and he has said that sex without a relationship is meaningless. He seems to be a great guy...but I'm not wanting to meet him too soon...I want to give it a few weeks of talking online before meeting in person...just to get to know him a bit more, to take away some feeling of meeting a stranger...so I can feel somewhat excited when I do meet him, you know? It's better to meet soon before you become emotionally invested in someone with whom you may not have any real time chemistry. Right now you are projecting on him, which is a setup for disappointment.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 8:00:39 AM)
^Yes. Go out for a coffee. No pressure, no kink, just two interested people getting to know each other. And finding out that he really does intend to meet you and not just get his jollies online. Otherwise you risk a month of falling in love followed by horrible disappointment if there's no chemistry, and then a tough decision about whether to walk away and feel upset or push forward with someone who isn't a good fit.

windchymes -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 8:02:26 AM)
Not meaning to be buzzkill, but you really should focus more on getting to know people in real life. I know the websites and the commercials on tv promise that your true love is waiting for you in their website, but the reality in many cases is that these people are online for a reason: because they can't handle real life. Don't believe everything you read on a screen. Online, people can be what they want to be, say beautiful things, charm the pants off you and wrap you around their little finger. And you might be one of the lucky ones who finds the real thing. But the odds are against it, and it's more likely that in real life, they're just NOT who they say they are. I also agree that you should meet in person sooner rather than later, just a quick meet for coffee or lunch. See what they're like for real, not what they text and write. You can tell a lot about a person in five minutes, and even more after a half hour with them. Don't romanticize the whole thing, keep your heart shut for awhile and your common sense in place always. Don't believe everything you read on a screen. Many guys will sweet talk you until they have sex with you, then you'll never hear from them again. Don't believe everything you read on a screen. He's talked about sex, so it's on his agenda. And apparently, he said just what you wanted to hear, "sex without a relationship is meaningless"...blah blah blah, he wants sex, they all do. Because you're now finding all kinds of reasons that he's the one and you're already making plans inside your head on how you're going to make this one work. And you haven't even met him yet. You're just read stuff he's written on a screen. Regardless of the statistics you hear, there are way more disappointments in personal ad sites than successes. And most of those successes took a long time to find. As so many others have said, just slow down, breathe, stop dancing with joy because someone is communicating with you. Just live your life, do things for yourself, maybe get involved with some "meet-up" type groups who do things you like to do, like bicycle, or read best sellers, or archery or volunteer with Habitat for Humanity or something where you meet new people. Even if you just make friends, they might introduce you to someone special. Just slow down, dear. And did I mention, don't believe everything you read on a screen? Except what I wrote, of course. [:)]

fluffyprincess -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 9:57:31 AM)
He did want to make our first meeting a date, and I declined, saying I'd rather we just meet for coffee, where we both pay for ourselves...which he agreed to doing. Also, based off of the answers he's left on his okcupid profile, as well as what he's told me, he has done some research on bdsm, and really is interested in it. I was the one who asked about sex first...which is how we came to him giving me that sex is meaningless answer. I don't want to stop dating, but I will tell him I don't want to rush into a relationship...that we should just spend some time getting to know each other as friends before we think about beginning a relationship...

angelikaJ -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 10:07:42 AM)
I am sorry that the guy was in actuality, a dick. I think you should consider listening to Blonderfluff. Why did you try to make it work with this guy who treated you badly. Are you feeling especially lonely? By posting the following, I am not suggesting that your new friend is abusive, but please pay attention if there are red flags. http://nnedv.org/resources/stats/gethelp/redflagsofabuse.html

fluffyprincess -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 1:33:45 PM)
I tried to make it work, because I didn't pay attention to all the ways he was wrong for me...as I said, caught up in a fantasy. I've been single for as long as I can stand...I was happy before I met a guy. I don't need a guy...but because I've held off on dating until I was 23, I think I deserve to make a few mistakes... I'm not lonely...I just want to start the dating game, to have the chance at love...

Blonderfluff -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 1:42:59 PM)
Princess. (Lol. There can be only ONE Miss Fluff!!!!). I totally understand you wanting to date. That is normal. What concerns me is the rapid bouncing from one to another. Not that young people don't do that often! They do. But in your case, I sense a yearning to be loved, and to be a part of a "couple". When we focus more on HOW we want to be, we lose sight of WHO we want to be. I think you should have fun. Of course I do. I just get the feeling you are not interesting in just "dating".

KnightofMists -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 2:08:46 PM)
Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck........

fluffyprincess -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 2:19:34 PM)
I'll tell him I don't want to rush into a relationship, that I want to be friends first, just enjoy each other's company...see how we get along there. That's one thing I did do wrong...rushed into a relationship, rushed into sex...didn't develop a friendship first.

angelikaJ -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 3:00:25 PM)
Please don't think this is any kind of attack: If a relationship was not so important- if the feeling of being loved wasn't blinding your common sense, I don't think you would have settled. You wanted a relationship. You were hoping that it might turn into THE relationship but weren't able to see all the places where his words and actions didn't gel together. You figured that the little places where things didn't groove were okay because there were other little places where they did. That really isn't compromise. That is hoping square pegs will fit into round holes, and they always do, provided you hit them with a big enough hammer. The problem is they aren't square pegs and round holes anymore. Of course you are allowed to make mistakes. What concerns me is you acknowledged you had made mistakes and then repeated them. I am not trying to shame you. I have done what you have done (and done much worse). I am hoping you won't have to repeat this lesson again, as it is usually very painful.

artemiss -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 10:15:23 PM)
I will preface this by saying that I didn't read any of your previous posts, but from what I have read here, I don't really see much reason to label they guy a dick. You had a off and on relationship, as often happens you guys got back together around the holidays, and two months later, realized it wasn't working and it ended again. Unless he raped you, he didn't take anything from you. You chose to engage in the activity, and are now regretting the decision. Seems to me this is one of those suck it up butter cup moments. It's time to forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes, and move on. As long as you are portraying yourself as a victim, you are not giving yourself the power to change your situation. You are an intelligent, grown woman. Act as such, take responsibility for your actions and well being.

fluffyprincess -> RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... (3/22/2014 10:22:46 PM)
Actually...he and I were making out...and before long, he was teasing me...and then he just did it...didn't ask me if it was really what I wanted at that time. I was about to say something right before he did it...but he did it before I had a chance to say something. It happened too fast for me to be able to say anything. But, as I had said, I know it is my fault for getting back together with him. Had I not gotten back together with him, it wouldn't have happened. I'd still be a virgin.

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