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Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 12:30:32 PM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Good afternoon all,

I have a question and think I might need a bit of advice.

I have been seeing this Dom for little over a month now. Things have been progressing rather nicely, with my submission to Him deepening with each interaction. Last night I went to His place, I could tell within minutes of my arrival that things were going to be a little different than in the past. They were.

Turns out he wanted me to be his slave for the evening. I was fine with that and we started "playing" (oh how I hate that word) together. The only part of the evening I did not like was the implement used to spank/whip me with. I tried to express my displeasure and was silenced. I continued to endure it and I did have many other high points in the evening. We fell asleep together and I woke up later and just watched Him sleep with strong emotions welling up inside of me. I do know I am not ready to have those kinds of feelings for Him.

Anyway, the thing is that something feels different now for me and I am not sure why. I am confused and a little depressed. He was fine this morning, however, He did not kiss me goodbye which he normally does, that was a little upsetting but by no means the end of the world. Since leaving Him today I have felt very melancholy about our relationship.

Is what I am experiencing normal? Is this sub drop that I have seen referenced before? Still being rather new I am not completely familiar with the range of emotions one can have. Any guidance would be appreciated.

~shy

Post #: 1

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 12:48:45 PM

selenaMD

Posts: 56
Joined: 6/1/2006
Status: offline

greetings shyfem,

in "normal" life we tend to get strong feelings for people who teach us new things, like that teacher in high school who you will never forget for helping you understand algebra (or something like that), or the person who first took the time to teach us to drive. at the time we are thinking "wow this is the greatest most patient/wonderful/etc. person in the world". over the years, we occasionally think back to those people, but now, being a math whiz, or a 5 star driver what they didn't doesn't seem to have as much impact. the same relates to opening new doors in BDSM and experienceing things we have never experienced before. we think that the person who took us to this new level is "the greatest most pateient/wonderful/etc. person in the world". to the math teacher, or the driver's ed trainer, what they did was really nothing as they just shared something they knew with us. the same can occur in a D/s dynamic. as a sub/slave we think "wow this is so cool, neat and new", while to the Dominant it is just something they knew that they shared with us. so honestly, if we don't expect people who have taught us normal things in the past to suddenly have a new type of relationship with us, it is inter related to the relationship with a Dominant.

now here is where the big differnce comes in. learning to drive can't really be compared to your first caning experience. it is going to invoke deeper emotions. this is where the Dominant needs to take the time to talk with you afterwards, listen to what you have to say about the encounter, both good and bad. aftercare is an essential way to help lessen the crash that comes after reaching "subspace". in subspace our endophines are racing, our surrender is complete and it is hard to crash back to "normal" life. but, like the way we feel about driving a car, after doing it for a long time, the crash won't be as intense.

on a side note, as amazing as it is to experience new things, to be taken to new levels in your submission, take it slow. the urge when one is new is to experience everything right here right now. selena went through the same thing when she entered the lifestyle. but the best thing to remember is not to push yourself too hard, mental or physically. and of course communication is key. as selena said in another post on here, if you have a hard time opening up to Him one on one, open a live journal, give Him the link, so He knows what is going on in your head. don't mince words, be open and 100% honest and it will take both of you where ever it is you want to go.

selena{MD}
devoted property of Master Mark

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 2

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 2:13:32 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Very normal feelings

I am going to save the discussions about silencing your complaints, and discuss the other issues

Doms often do not understand that with some submissives aftercare takes longer than with others, for example it can be days after a scene when subdrop hits. It can make all the difference in the world when I experience subdrop in how my dominant relates with me while I am going through it. The first time I played with my current Dom I experienced the worst subdrop because we were brand new to each other and I did not want to seem clingy and needy,.. even though I longed for his extra special attention. He had a long drive home and it wasn't until weeks later that I let it slip I had experienced this. He let me know that if I were to ever experience this again I should tell him.

His lack of a kiss for you could very well be because he is processing what occurred between you. He may feel the need to withdraw because it was intense for him too. I wouldn't take it as a rejection, and I would discuss your feelings with him about what happened. If you feel you can't talk to him about your feelings or if when you do he is not receptive of them then that would be a big red flag. The actions that we take when "playing" can have emotional consequences, and if a Dominant cannot deal with that then perhaps he shouldn't be doing it. Subdrop is extremely common and easily overcome with the right self love and attention from the person who you submit to.

As far as not being able to voice the dislike of the flogging implement he used... That is not anything like what I have been used to with the dominants I have been involved with... they wanted feedback when it came to beating me... and I do not know what to say about that, other than it is kinda concerning.. but it maybe entirely normal for all I know seeing I have only been with two doms, what do I know about domming, other than my own personal limits

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/8/2006 2:14:40 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 3

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 3:14:58 PM

seekerofwisdom

Posts: 19
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline

He did some things he hasn't done before, which is making you feel things you haven't felt before. Nothing abnormal there. In fact, that's the whole point of this kind of activity. What feels different is, possibly, the shift he made in his mind from "submissive" to "slave" and what that meant for how he treated you. Possibly you loved it so much that his not kissing you goodbye was devastating. Possibly you're having an unexpected reaction to his refusal to hear what you needed (although that may be part of what he thinks a slave should do, which is just shut up and put up with it--which is what you did.)

It sounds like sub drop to me, and I bet it will be a few days before it fades. You do have to tell him if you intend to play with him again, because how he treats you during and after playing (a word I hate too) will often affect how long the sub drop lingers.

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 4

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 5:48:35 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I'll play "devil's advocate" here. If you were not comfortable, then you have the obligation to say so...Have you discussed "safe words"?

I think it was not the best judgement, after pushing things, that your Dom did not administer the aftercare you needed. He should have known... but it's all about learning each other. If it seems difficult to say... I wish to speak with you, and I missed my kiss...it will be more difficult next time.

He may not know how you feel - and he may be having feelings himself that caused the "lack of kiss", etc. TALK to each other.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 5

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 6:02:27 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

P.S. I think you need to establish safe words. You said you expressed your displeaure...but that's not always good enough - it's part of "it" sometimes. If you are being pushed too far... there needs to be a way to say so. If he does not respect that, then he is not to be respected. Just be safe....

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 6

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 6:21:08 PM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

People try D/s and have all sorts of fantasies and all sorts of perceptions of what does and doesn't work and what is needed.

The trick is to realize both you and he are exploring things you don't understand. Which means he is going to do things that don't work for you OR that would work if something like aftercare was done in a way that works for you.

People get hung up on words like aftercare and safewords as if they are magic. They aren't. What is magic is understanding that your partner is trying something new. So you need to talk about worked, what was hot and what didn't work and most importantly why. AND you need to understand most people don't want to hear what didn't work and be understanding when he reacts ( I know us ole doms aren't supposed to do those things but the ones I know happen to only have 46 chromosomes, but I think chatroom ones are more evolved and have 50 or more) and work with him remembering two things.

You love each other
You want this to work
We are all imperfect

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 7

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 7:47:00 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I'm not a big fan in regard to BDSM terms - some I've actually had to ask...what "is" that? (Doesn't matter if I've felt it, doesn't matter if I've done it.)

I applaud your point - "we want this to work".

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 8

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 8:06:11 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

edited.. I can't believe I posted on the wrong one.. it's getting time for bed..zzzzzzzz.. sheesh

< Message edited by sleazybutterfly -- 7/8/2006 8:08:17 PM >

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 9

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 8:11:23 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Why?

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 10

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 8:13:55 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Please...contact me on the "other side"

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 11

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 8:22:02 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

People try D/s and have all sorts of fantasies and all sorts of perceptions of what does and doesn't work and what is needed.

The trick is to realize both you and he are exploring things you don't understand. Which means he is going to do things that don't work for you OR that would work if something like aftercare was done in a way that works for you.

People get hung up on words like aftercare and safewords as if they are magic. They aren't. What is magic is understanding that your partner is trying something new. So you need to talk about worked, what was hot and what didn't work and most importantly why. AND you need to understand most people don't want to hear what didn't work and be understanding when he reacts ( I know us ole doms aren't supposed to do those things but the ones I know happen to only have 46 chromosomes, but I think chatroom ones are more evolved and have 50 or more) and work with him remembering two things.

You love each other
You want this to work
We are all imperfect

Call it aftercare, call it talking, call it loving..all the same to me... it means he knows I may have some out of sorts feelings and insecurities are intense play and at times I just wanna hear his voice on the phone the next day on his lunch break.. or a passionate kiss before he leaves for work...

I think sometimes doms forget that it isn't just our bruises that need tending from what I have read other submissives posting.. it is our hearts too. If we do not tell them, they will never know will they? We have to voice our needs because dominant is not a synomyn for psychic.

Just my thoughts

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 12

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/8/2006 8:50:57 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

My bruises heal quickly...my emotions, not so easily.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 13

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/9/2006 4:39:22 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

I think a discussion regarding both your feelings about the evening, high point and low, including how you felt about lack of a kiss goodbye, is in order.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 14

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/9/2006 5:26:53 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

CD is right. My Dom and I talk about new things that we try...what was hot, what was somewhat uncomfortable or wasn't working quite right. Of course, He's very perceptive and adjusts as things are going along.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 15

RE: Dazed and confused - 7/9/2006 8:44:42 AM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Thank you everyone for your advice, I knew I could count on some honest information.

A couple of hours after I posted this yesterday He called me. We talked about the evening, my feelings and what I was experiencing since we parted. He asked me to always be honest with him and hoped that I knew I could talk to Him about anything. I told Him that I believe I need a little more "aftercare". He was very understanding. I know He is not perfect and the evening was a little intense for Him as well. He also let me know he will not use the same implement when spanking me again.

I just did not understand why I was feeling what I did. I never experienced those feelings with my former Dom, although my feelings are more intense with this One.

Once again, I truely appreciate all of you

. It helps knowing I have somewhere I can turn when I have questions. I do think I need to find a submissive friend in my area to talk to, but this is very helpful since there is a such plethera of experience in talking with many.

~shy
------------------------------------------------
May all who tread here find what it is they seek!

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 16

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