suni
Posts: 8
Joined: 9/21/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SwPuno
Suni,
First let me say that I feel for you greatly and what you are going through and I hope that it can be resolved well for both of you.
Secondly, I am far less experienced than Suleiman however much of his response rings quite true to this switch and the parts of his recommended approach that struck home with me sound very promising and worthy of consideration.
Based on your description one initial guess (without being able to get into your partners head) is that he is still quite uncomfortable with some of his submissive or CD interests or desires and feels that sharing them with you would cause you to lose respect or interest for him or for his dominant role in the relationship the two of you have. I myself am willing to share what some of my interests are with the members of the local D/s clubs I am a member of but there are some interests that I still only share with partners - usually with a blush - as I am still too uncomfortable to share some of them with the general populace, even the kink populace, for fear that I will be seen a certain way and that certain desires will be interpreted to mean that "if he is into x he is also mostly likely a y type of person" which may not even be true, or that I would lose the respect or interest of potential future subs. I know, this goes against the basic philosophies of "judge no one and assume nothing" that is generally the foundation of this community but that does not mean I have fully gotten past these worries. Knowing something and feeling it or acting it with full faith are two different things. I am new, though, so let's see how I'm doing in another 6 months  .
I know my theory above has probably occurred to you already, I justed wanted to sort of underline it as a distinct possibility. Sulieman's theory sort of starts from there as one possibility and adds a couple of more layers onto it that could also well be true or which may not also be present but they do make a good deal of sense.
My other vote is something that I believe you pretty much stated - he is poly and has at least subconciously decided that he needs different things from different partners, however he does not want to allow you the freedom to play with others as he fears that you will lose focus on him or that you will find a set of partners or an "all in one" partner that you will leave your current partner for. An unappealing theory, and I hope it is not true, but based on what you've said it sounds like a good possibility.
My final theory, also not pleasant, is that he has already at least subconsciously decided you two are not meant for each other but lacks the concious recognition or acceptance of that idea enough to deal with it directly with you and is waiting for you to leave or give up so that he does not have to be the one to hurt you (and he probably REALLY doesn't want to hurt you after some of the recent hurts he is still recovering from).
Again, I don't know him nearly as well as you and I *am* fairly new and armchair quarterbacking so I could be completely wrong about all of this (I'm sure there will be people happy to inform me of this) but that is what I think of when I read your post.
Finally, I hope this is of some help and that things work out well. Again, Sulieman's approach seems very promising from this sometimes closed off switch's perspective and even if it fails you can at least say that was something else you tried and that you gave it your all.
Good luck, and although I am not asking for gory or necessarily even rosy details, I hope you will let us all know how this goes.
Puno
>Suni,
First let me say that I feel for you greatly and what you are going
through and I hope that it can be resolved well for both of you.
TY Puno .
>Secondly, I am far less experienced than Suleiman however much of his response rings quite true to this switch and the parts of his
recommended approach that struck home with me sound very promising and worthy of
consideration.
This may be true Puno But imho lack of experience does not include lack
of understanding , lack of feeling , lack of thought , or the ability
to share these things <soft smiles> . i Posted here for any response
from any who cares to commune with me in this dilemma that is not a flame . And i Deeply Appreciate *Any* potential insight to what is happening here . Thank You .
>Based on your description one initial guess (without being able to get
into your partners head) is that he is still quite uncomfortable with
some of his submissive or CD interests or desires and feels that sharing
them with you would cause you to lose respect or interest for him or
for his dominant role in the relationship the two of you have. I myself
am willing to share what some of my interests are with the members of
the local D/s clubs I am a member of but there are some interests that I
still only share with partners - usually with a blush - as I am still
too uncomfortable to share some of them with the general populace, even the kink populace, for fear that I will be seen a certain way and that
certain desires will be interpreted to mean that "if he is into x he is
also mostly likely a y type of person" which may not even be true, or
that I would lose the respect or interest of potential future subs. I
know, this goes against the basic philosophies of "judge no one and
assume nothing" that is generally the foundation of this community but that does not mean I have fully gotten past these worries. Knowing something and feeling it or acting it with full faith are two different things. I am new, though, so let's see how I'm doing in another 6 months .
i Feel Your thoughts in this are valid ~ and i have considered much of
what You say here . i Also Know while many in the D/s Community wish
for "Judge no one and assume nothing" , that is often Not what is given
Unfortunately , as i see many times evidence of "my kink is better then
your kink and my kink is the Only Way" ~ which leads to (or re-enforces
the Beliefs of) the Beliefs , thoughts , feelings , or as You call them
"worries" You have above listed <shaking head in sorrow> . *me* In All
of this and where i am in it i will simply say *None of the Above*.
Meaning Truly that i *Assume Nothing and Judge no one* . Each person and experience in Life and Love is different , even rships with the same
person , ie my experiences with my Partner will be different than Yours
(if You were Partnered with Him) even though We are Partnered with the
same person , because every person has many facets to themselves . i See Us All as diamonds in the rough <smiles> . And Yessssss i am Sooooooo aware that "Knowing something and feeling it or acting it with full faith are two different things" . In Part (at least) the
difficulty i am experiencing is that this Person states an *All
Encompassing* Primarily Monogamous rship (i say "Primarily Monogamous" because i see evidence of Non-Monogamy with Him) is what He wishes with me , which i have not been involved in , attempted , or even Believed in before , due to the many facets of a person , and therefore a lack of interest in even attempting what i have deemed the impossible and unreasonable . BUT in this person i have found and experienced things i have not before as well . Each rship in Life and Love that i have experienced has *lacked something* (ie Not been All encompassing) and i have chalked this up to the *many facets* i have mentioned , and this was ok with me (still is) and understood . Always *something* that validated and re-enforced *my Belief system* . Now i stand in wonder , questioning , doubting my Own Theories and ways . In this person i have met face to face *One* that i am Totally encompassed by . i Love Everything about Him , the way He looks , tastes , smells , His personality , His interaction with me physically and emotionally , the way He Challenges me , the way He *takes* me without even trying , His strengths and His weaknesses , the way He thinks , moves , the person that *He Is* ~ including the things He tries to hide , tho not that He tries to hide them , which i Feel in part is sub-concious as one can only be as honest with another as one is with themselves . i Am Very Analytical tho not judgemental as i sort through my experiences . If i were assuming , mindless , thoughtless , brainless , or Not analytical , We'd/i'd likely Not be where We/i are/am now , standing in this mire of uncertainty in the face of *The Truth* . For imho to *Have* the All Encompassing ~ One Type rship ~ this person states He wants with me Requires Total Faith ~ Total Trust ~ Total Honesty ~ Total Openess ~ andOpenHonest Communication , if it is to have Any Chance of being such at all
imnsho . Open Honest Communication *could* possibly bring Us there ~ BUT the lack of it is like water on a brightly burning fire as the outcome
will be the same ~ and imo a shame .
Yes ~ lets check back onYou in 6 months (hugs)
>I know my theory above has probably occurred to you already, I justed
wanted to sort of underline it as a distinct possibility. Sulieman's
theory sort of starts from there as one possibility and adds a couple of
more layers onto it that could also well be true or which may not also
be present but they do make a good deal of sense.
Indeed !!! And Thank You forYour thoughts and additions .
>My other vote is something that I believe you pretty much stated - he
is poly and has at least subconciously decided that he needs different
things from different partners, however he does not want to allow you
the freedom to play with others as he fears that you will lose focus on
him or that you will find a set of partners or an "all in one" partner
that you will leave your current partner for. An unappealing theory, and
I hope it is not true, but based on what you've said it sounds like a
good possibility.
Yes <sighs> this has been and is being well considered by me . And
ahhhhh yesssss the "sub-concious" there again . However that this Awesome Man would or should have any such thoughts or Fears is so in valid in my reguard , BUT He cannot know this without stepping up and Trying . Further *taking* without Negotiating or Respecting Negotiations and/or Bounderies set , or the Hard Limits of ones Partner , without at least Negotiating or making clear *that the option of doing so may be excercised by the Dominant* in a D/s or M/s rship is Not ime a TPE rship . It is Deceit plain and simple . And Believe me If i had any doubt in Him or Thought that *His Intent* was or is to *take* me Deceitfully Conciously , instead of my *feeling* that much of this is subconcious and/or based on Fear , i would have already been gone . Love/*In Love* or not . i Do Not Deserve nor will i Accept , lack of Honor .
>My final theory, also not pleasant, is that he has already at least
subconsciously decided you two are not meant for each other but lacks the concious recognition or acceptance of that idea enough to deal with it
directly with you and is waiting for you to leave or give up so that he
does not have to be the one to hurt you (and he probably REALLY doesn't
want to hurt you after some of the recent hurts he is still recovering
from).
This could be ~ and i have considered this ~ and i have No Doubt that
He does not wish "to hurt" me in any way . Given that when i have come
to crossroads on this path with Him and nearly , however sadly , veer
off to walk alone without Him , He does something to pull me back on *Our Road* . To me this means that He is Seriously trying to accomplish what He states He wishes with me ~ or ~ that He is simply not ready to let go yet . Truly i am not sure *which* . i Will stand with and by Him
until it is ~ or ~ as long as i am able , whichever comes first . If He is
as You say "waiting for me to leave or give up" , i know in Time He
Will get His wish , for however Deeply i Love and am *In Love* with Him
and wish with All of me to spend my Life by His side learning and growing
with Him ~ i am also a Human being , imperfect , not capable of all
things (tho i will Struggle and Try for what is important to me) , and Life Will lead me to where i am to be , even if that is Not *with Him* . While i am Analytical i am also a Realist . my Hope is to be with Him *Always* in *All Ways* , but i well know , i cannot accomplish this alone , and If this is not what He also wishes .
>Again, I don't know him nearly as well as you and I *am* fairly new and armchair quarterbacking so I could be completely wrong about all of
this (I'm sure there will be people happy to inform me of this) but that
is what I think of when I read your post.
<nods> i Myself could be "completely wrong about all of this" and Him as well . i Could be struggling with things and a rship that Only matters to me , tho i Doubt this . That He would expend as much effort as He does to keep this rship AND for it to be something He Really doesnt want or has determined We are "not Meant for eachother" makesno sense at all imo BUT stranger things have happened . i Thank You for All of Your Efforts , Input , and Time You have taken to respond to me , and that You have spurred me to re-think things in a different light in ways as well as You have validated some of my own processing of these things , verifying *to me* at least that i am Not an alien <smiles> . Hopefully no one will feel themselves so Holy and All Knowing as to critique Your thoughtfull response to me , but i tink You are correct in considering they may <sighs> as that has been my experience as well at times in Open Forums . Just to say when We take risks to Open Ourselves We Must be prepared to take what comes with that the Good and the Bad as i did by Posting thisTopic to begin with ~or even to LiveLife for that matter . Thank You for Choosing to step up here with me .
>Finally, I hope this is of some help and that things work out well.
Again, Sulieman's approach seems very promising from this sometimes closed off switch's perspective and even if it fails you can at least say that was something else you tried and that you gave it your all.
TY . Perhaps on ~ S's ~ response ~ it is well considered , and also to
say that much of what He input has been at least in my mind if not
actually implemented already , and He gave me another aspect to view from . Your response has as well , is no less valid , and no less appreciated . On "giving my All" ~ Indeed ~ i Always do as it is my Nature to do so <soft smiles> ~ tho even more so Now ~ tho i have found little comfort in having done so in the face of failure , and doubt it will be comforting especially in this rship if it is to be lost <grimacing expression> . But *Time Will Tell ~ It Always Does* and i Will Reap it whatever it is to be . Hoping for a Positive outcome ~ of course <winks>
>Good luck, and although I am not asking for gory or necessarily even
rosy details, I hope you will let us all know how this goes.
Indeed and TY ~ and TY for the offer and interest on wishing to know ~
i Will keep You informed .
Respectfully , suni
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