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a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 8:23:13 AM

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

Hi!

I'm glad to have found my first Dom. He's everything I´ve dreamed of, our fantasies are alike. He understands me for being a beginner, but I always know who is in control. He knows what I need, He knows what I DON'T need.... I feel safer and more sure about myself than with anyone else before. Well, you all know what I feel...

The problem: He's married. He only has time for me once in a week or two weeks, he always has to spend nights at home so that he leaves me alone afterwards every time. The time I would need Him the most. To hold me till I fall asleep. He says that it's just something I need to learn to live with. He also thinks I should get a vanilla boyfriend so I wouldn't be alone when he has to be with his wife.

Should I just do what he wants, get a boyfriend, not to miss Him when He's gone? Am I not really a submissive if I end this because of these things? Would I be selfish, disobedient and not worth any Master if I would? When I talk to Him about this, He says that I can do what ever; get a boyfriend, fuck around, get married, I will always be His property, and His to claim at any time. I also know that it would be SO difficult for me to end this. On the other hand I know that I can never be truly happy like this.

I don't have anyone else to talk to about this than Him, and I would really need a second oppinion.

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 8:58:11 AM

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

hello hunni and welcome to collar me. I think that you have been incredibly brave to voice your concerns in search for answers and i commend your openness.

Do only what You feel comfortable with. If you are happy with the situation then just go with the flow. But it truely sounds to Angel that this situation has you unhappy. A Dominants' duty - and yes He/She DOES have a duty - is to protect the one that is His. You are what is important... you are that which makes His world complete... If He cannot do or see that this is obviously hurting you, then He is not caring for You nor being the Dominant that completes YOU, no matter how wonderful you feel when you are with Him and serving Him. The most important part of any Dominant and sub/slave relationship is trust and honesty. Does His wife know about you? Ifso, then if they have a poly relationship then its your choice as to whether a poly relationship is for you... ifnot.. and it sounds as if He is keeping you a secret(forgive me if i am wrong)... then if He is lying to His wife... how long until He lies to you?

You are not any less submissive for feeling the way you do. You are not disobediant. You are however IMO... being used. No Master worth His salt would say and suggest the things this Man has to you, my love. He has no claim on you unless you submit to it. He is disrespecting this Lifestyle by claiming such.

If You are uncomfortable... then dont do it. I know its hard to walk away from something you love... but it is a couragous act and the first thing any submissive must be is be true to her/him self. If You cannot be honest to yourself about how you feel and act upon it, then how can you submit with honesty to anyone else. You are beautiful and what You have to give goes way beyond anything else that can be imagined.

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 9:22:21 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HerShadow

Hi!

I'm glad to have found my first Dom. He's everything I´ve dreamed of, our fantasies are alike.

This is obviously not the case and I speak to your words and not in judgement over His.... dark~angel gives good perspective to your inner struggle...... Read her words well but the ultimate decission is yours.... do what completes you for only then can you serve and truly realize your dreams....... [image][/image]

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 10:34:46 AM

Posts: 483
Status: offline

Hi and welcome to Collarme,
dark~angel gave you wonderful advice!
From my side, the fake is the Dom, not the submissive!
I can see where this Dom's actions have really twisted you up, but do not allow him or anyone make you question what you are.
A Dom should be noble, and honorable, for him to be cheating on his wife, should give you a great deal of perspective on this so called Dom.
Take your time, find a good Dom, that will cherish the person you are. It is a huge responsibility to be a Master, some of us take it seriously, and more take it as a way to get laid.

< Message edited by INSIDEYOURMIND -- 11/22/2004 10:39:00 AM >

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to TsarSteven)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 10:47:06 AM

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

Am I not really a submissive if I end this because of these things? Would I be selfish, disobedient and not worth any Master if I would?

There is nothing selfish about wanting a full time relationship and not being satisfied with being a part-time submissive affair to a married guy. It is your life so live it the way you want, and ignore anyone that tries to lay this "you're not really submissive" crap on you.

quote:

When I talk to Him about this, He says that I can do what ever; get a boyfriend, fuck around, get married, I will always be His property, and His to claim at any time.

Oh bullshit! If you break it off from him and he tries to "claim" you, you can tell him to go fuck himself or scratch his eyes out. This is just a lame attempt to brainwash you so you will consent, but it only works if you believe it.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 10:55:36 AM

Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline

Everything here was wonderfully said. And it seems to be running in the same direction. Of course the final decision is up to you. So give yourself some time to think about everything that has been said, and what you truely need. I am sure the answer will come to you.

p.s.- welcome to Collar Me

Take care,

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 11:08:35 AM

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Everyone gave you great advice. The only one I disagree with and I really don't is inside's. The only reason is because to me the word Dom means something.
This person would not have that name.

I realize you fell for him though. So making up your mind is going to be a tough one.
However, do you really think if you went out and found a real Dom to love you that this current one would have any control what so ever?
The decision is totally yours. He has told you to go out and find another. You also have a right to be happy in life.
It doesn't make you any less submissive to have needs. A good Dom would fill all of your needs. It is merely him trying to feebly manipulate you to screwing around with him all the longer.

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 2:30:47 PM

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/17/2004
Status: offline

Hello Shadow!!!

YOu say you have found what you have been dreaming of..... I surely dont think so since you want more than a part time Master.

You say yous Master understand your needs... I surely dont think so since he is keeping you knowing you are not happy with what he can give you.

I had the best Master also and he was married. At the beginning I did not need or want anything else. I was happy with what I had since I was bringing my girp up by myself and could not have had time for a more full time relation. But as time went by I wanted to see him more and more and I needed a Master more full time. He knew he could never give me what I desired and he knew that my love for him would not permit me to look elsewhere. So he did the big step and told me I was released. I hated him and did not understand what I had done to be put away by him... But looking back I now understand the efforts it must have taken him to let me go so I could grow and find the full time Master I needed.

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 3:28:18 PM

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Your first paragraph states how happy you are with this Dom. Then the rest of your letter goes on to contradict everything in the first paragraph. This is a perfect example of a sub going into a relationship out of weakness not strength. Wake up! The only one getting what they want here is him not you.

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 4:14:39 PM

Posts: 483
Status: offline

quote:

The only one I disagree with and I really don't is inside's

HUH?

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 4:53:28 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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I agree'd with you yet I didn't only because you called him a Dominant. What was described is not what I consider a Dominant in my mind.

Yet, I agree'd with you on everything else you said.

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 6:32:23 PM

Posts: 483
Status: offline

quote:

you called him a Dominant

I called him a fake Dom

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/22/2004 7:59:28 PM

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I perhaps have a different point of view..

Is his wife aware? What are you looking for.. ? Why are you involved in a D/s relationship.. Are those needs being met..? I have no idea why you make the choices that you make.. but own up to them and take responsiblity for them...

Are you looking for an oportunity to self explore, to serve .. to learn techiniques .. to learn what a d/s relationship feels like.. OR is kinky sex and sensation what your after.... or perhaps you are looking for love? marriage??? long term commitment etc..etc..If its the final one..t hen I am afraid your looking in the wrong place.. perhaps as I dont know about this *DOM* you might be looking for the right things in the wrong place.. only you can decide.. but I go by this.. Was I happier before or after I met him.. Am I happier before he comes .. or after he leaves.. Can I exist in a place of honesty with myself as a result of the relationship.. If y ou can answer Yes I am happier now then then, Yes I am happier after he leaves then when he comes and yes I can be honest about what my relationship is and what it means then by all means girl go for it.. if not... I think it would be time to rethink your choices.

Regards
SD

< Message edited by Sylverdawn -- 11/22/2004 8:04:08 PM >

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/23/2004 8:59:00 AM

Posts: 66
Joined: 11/9/2004
From: Yukon, Oklahoma
Status: offline

All the advice given thus far is good. The just of it being, that you know the answer already, or you wouldn't be asking. If you were happy, than you wouldn't be asking. A submissive or slave's duty is to serve his/her Dom. The problem lies in finding a Dom that's needs are compatible with what the sub/slave's needs and desires are. It doesn't sound like you have found this yet, don't worry there are many more out there to choose from. getting a nilla boyfriend would likely leave you even more unhappy if this LS is where your heart lives. The decision is yours, no one can make it for you, but it would not make you unsubmissive to get out of a situation such as you describe and seek one that fits you better.

Again, as always, this is only my opinion and should be taken as such.

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/23/2004 9:34:16 AM

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/10/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

Your first paragraph states how happy you are with this Dom. Then the rest of your letter goes on to contradict everything in the first paragraph. This is a perfect example of a sub going into a relationship out of weakness not strength. Wake up! The only one getting what they want here is him not you.

I have to agree with Estring..

I could spend alot of time on this topic because the bond between Dom/sub is something sacred to me and I would never want my sub to feel incomplete and definitely wouldn't want her filling her emotional needs from anyone other than myself.

(in reply to Estring)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/25/2004 11:52:39 AM

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

Well, I don't have to worry about Him anymore. He crossed my limits and was very eager to give pieces of me to His friends too... so in the end, it was not at all difficult to end it; I just felt mad and dissapointed. He didn't care for me and my well being, just Himself.

(in reply to ManicVortex)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/25/2004 12:29:21 PM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Well, I don't have to worry about Him anymore. He crossed my limits and was very eager to give pieces of me to His friends too... so in the end, it was not at all difficult to end it; I just felt mad and dissapointed. He didn't care for me and my well being, just Himself.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. Hope you find a good compatible Dom in the near future.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/26/2004 9:37:36 PM

Posts: 19
Joined: 3/21/2004
Status: offline

You haven't found a dominant, you have found a poser. Simple as that. It is unfortunate that you have offered your submission to someone like that and even more unfortunate that it will only hurt you in the end. And what is worse? He will do it to someone else when you have woken up enough to move on.

_____________________________

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong
about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly
taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
-George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/27/2004 10:35:46 AM

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline

By the way he is doing to his married partner you can tell that there is an inexcusable duality there. I don't feel that you owe him anything from the facts present here, also from the facts present here he doesn't sound like much of a Dom to me...Mike

(in reply to HerShadow)

RE: a fake submissive? - 11/27/2004 9:32:36 PM

Posts: 7
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I understand from your second post that the arrangement has ended. I wish you success in your search for a more compatible person to share your journey.

I do have a question though. When you entered the arrangement, were you already aware that he was married? In your negotiations, did the two of you set boundaries with each other and discuss each of you getting your needs met? If you were aware that he was married PRIOR to your agreement with him, is it fair then to want more than he was offering in the first place? Semantics or not, I would call your situation more of a Top/bottom power exchange with your play time having D/s elements. And thats fabulous, IF that is what the two of you agreed to.

I don't mean to appear judgemental and I certainly hope you do not take this as such, but surely you must know that you have every right to and should be encouraged to discuss your own needs PRIOR to coming to an agreement of an exchange of power with another whether its in the moment or a long term arrangement.

Please, let this be a lesson in your next encounter that you clearly outline your level of participation, your expectations, and your needs before you find yourself in an agreement.

You always have the ability to renegotiate, D/s relationships should not be static, but everchanging. You have a responsibility however, to uphold what you agree to. Play time is/can be entirely different than a romantic and nurturing relationship. It sounds like he wasn't necessarily offering you a romantic relationship which I gather you're seeking.

I wish you well,

NYCLeatherFem

quote:

ORIGINAL: HerShadow

Hi!

I'm glad to have found my first Dom. He's everything I´ve dreamed of, our fantasies are alike. He understands me for being a beginner, but I always know who is in control. He knows what I need, He knows what I DON'T need.... I feel safer and more sure about myself than with anyone else before. Well, you all know what I feel...

The problem: He's married. He only has time for me once in a week or two weeks, he always has to spend nights at home so that he leaves me alone afterwards every time. The time I would need Him the most. To hold me till I fall asleep. He says that it's just something I need to learn to live with. He also thinks I should get a vanilla boyfriend so I wouldn't be alone when he has to be with his wife.

Should I just do what he wants, get a boyfriend, not to miss Him when He's gone? Am I not really a submissive if I end this because of these things? Would I be selfish, disobedient and not worth any Master if I would? When I talk to Him about this, He says that I can do what ever; get a boyfriend, fuck around, get married, I will always be His property, and His to claim at any time. I also know that it would be SO difficult for me to end this. On the other hand I know that I can never be truly happy like this.

I don't have anyone else to talk to about this than Him, and I would really need a second oppinion.

(in reply to HerShadow)

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