When their is no more chase and seduction

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When their is no more chase and seduction - 5/14/2014 9:17:47 AM

AAkasha

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In another thread, nervousnovice asked if dominant women get bored, or what do they do when they get bored in a relationship. It was poorly worded, in my opinion. The responses from femdoms were an overwhelming "no," or "hell no," or "are you kidding me" type replies.

Surely femdom dynamics are not immune to what happens in vanilla relationships -- stale bedrooms or stale romance or stale dynamics. To deny such means NO ONE has been in a long, long relationship with an intimate partner, I would think. If there's absolutely no repetition or a "hint" of boredom looming from time to time in a 10+ year relationship, there could be denial setting in - or, it's the honest effort of two people working hard to not let it get stale.

No one can deny that in general, the first 3-6 months of an intimate relationship have a lot more sensual fireworks than years 20 - 25. That could be the point the sub was getting at in the post.

A big part of my femdom lust and fantasy, for example, is about chase, seduction, coercion. That's easy to satisfy with new partners because the seduction and courtship is real and authentic. I am not SURE how he is going to react to all of the "first times" we encounter together. I am not sure what his limits are (he is probably not either) and there is the intensity of working around those and pushing those but not too far.

In my 20s, engaging in an almost "catch and release" type play with guys was common for me....immoral? Well, they were having a good time too. I just mean meeting men and engaging in light bondage and S&M during the seduction process and if we didn't "click" we moved on. Having a new prey was always exhilarating. For me it was -- because I loved the process. Never been tied up? Oh my. Oh my.

So now I have been married for something like 12 or 13 years, I lose track. My boytoy is quite predictable in bed and in bondage. On the one hand, he knows all my buttons -- hell, he knows me better than anyone. But there is no doubt how the game will play out - every single time. There is a sweet, cool comfort in knowing I will be satisfied.

I would not call it boredom - I would call it something like having your favorite most comfortable pair of jeans that you would never give up and will opt for any day of the week -- vs. having a flashy new outfit that makes you tremble with anticipation and revel in the newness of it. Or -- having your favorite cooked meal at your beck and call (both figuratively and literally) vs. trying a new adventure.

It's easy to reflect back at how exciting it was and how much adrenalin was present during "catch and release" adventures with new boytoys. But one forgets the duds, the near-misses, the headaches, the unnecessary drama, the pests, the scenes and sensuality that fell so, so flat despite what seemed to be awesome chemistry, the "oh my god, this is the HOTTEST man to step on this earth" moments followed by him being a total, ignorant dip when it came to anything remotely sensual. One doesn't sit and reflect on the moments of going to bed unsatisfied because the pretty boytoy couldn't surrender his way out of a paper bag.

True love, real connection and intimacy are way, way better (as a whole) then the numbers game. Does it get stale? It can, if you don't watch out. Long stretches of lack of intimacy (both vanilla and kink) can build fast in busy lives and suddenly you are in marriage counseling or posting on "dead bedrooms" on reddit. I listen to my body when it comes to my female lusts -- the femdom variety - because it's all urge and desire that builds and reveals itself.

But if I just want an orgasm, I'm easy to please because I am an honest and clear director - and after 12+ years he pretty much has it down to a science. So it runs the risk of being routine.

When I have seen my partner through thick and thin, he's not the strange gentleman I just met at a club or online after a successful courtship and there's a different energy. Predictable. Boring? If we let it be.

All in all, I think the OP of that thread had a *great* question if people made the choice to look at what he was really asking but failing to articulate -- instead, they took it as an opportunity to boast they *never* get bored in a relationship, which I think is a little bit unrealistic.

Akasha

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 5/14/2014 9:20:02 AM >

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RE: When their is no more chase and seduction - 5/14/2014 10:07:38 AM

FieryOpal

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I don't quite understand what the question is. You don't believe it when others "boast they *never* get bored in a relationship, which [you] think is a little bit unrealistic." Unless your main point is something else, I'll quickly add two comments from personal experience.

Getting settled into a comfortable routine with your partner could become boring to some, but be comforting to others. I tend to be sentimental and enjoy reaching closer and closer levels of intimacy with my partner. It isn't predictability as much as it is familiarity. I expect for us to grow and evolve together as individuals and as a partnership team.

My parents were together for over 30 years and as far as I could tell, never became bored with one another since they just meshed incredibly well and always treated one another with the utmost respect. When my dad passed, my mother didn't remarry even though I encouraged her to find another husband to spend the rest of her life with. She always said there wasn't any other man who could compare to him, and she was right.

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RE: When their is no more chase and seduction - 5/14/2014 8:40:09 PM

cloudboy

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I'm sure you can imagine this is quite different for malesubs. The chase and seduction is not very much fun and is full of rejection and being ignored. If you get someone's attention, you then have the threshold of compatibility - incompatibility to cross. I can also say that there was never any "rock-star" stage with me full of wild times of chase and seduction. Instead there was just a confusing period of being a repressed Catholic doing serial monogamous relationships.

I took most break-ups hard. After a relationship ended -- there was generally a period of heartache and loneliness afterward. Sometimes I would end a relationship, then I felt someone guilty I let another person down or that maybe I misled them.

Aside from all that -- my life in general could use some "juice." Everyone seems so caught up in their routines, jobs, responsibilities, families, etc. I could definitely use some new relationship energy -- but it does not have to be romantic or BDSM. I would just like to feel I can make connections to others -- and this is something that has become more and more difficult to find.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/14/2014 8:41:44 PM >

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RE: When their is no more chase and seduction - 5/19/2014 8:45:09 PM

MistressFiera

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Joined: 12/17/2010
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I have been in a 24/7 relationship for nearly 4 years. I try very hard to keep the relationship new and fun but there are days when you feel like you are running into a brick wall. I am in the dungeon often. My scenes are always based on the passion of the moment. In some ways that means that it sort of feels new to my boy each time but I have to admit there are only so many ways I could do a scene before needing new ideas.

I would like to say,however, that I believe the main focus should always be to remain in the same realm of thought during play and to delve as deeply as you can together. I do not allow him to look around during a scene. People standing nearby are often distracting so I have opted for a hood on him unless he needs to look into my eyes when it gets intense.

I always spend time with mentors to keep my education rolling and I also watch others. I had the opportunity to meet Lew Rubins and to take his classes and also Midori as well! They really offered new perspective and I could bring the new ideas not only to my scenes but also into the home via rituals and protocol.

I also have a group named Whips in the Park and we are both enjoying not only playing with the whips but the social aspects of it too!

Inviting others to play in your scenes is also fun and allows a couple something new to think about. It is fun to plan that together and it really does strengthen the bond you already have if you are secure in your relationship.

I guess communication and socializing with your groups and learning, watching, and just even thinking outside the box on how to use a toy differently are helpful but as I suggested before there is nothing that is more important than knowing that you and your partner very much wants to delve together even if it is that same wonderful torture you have done for the millionth time because it simply turns you both on to no end!

Hope that helps someone!
Fiera

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RE: When their is no more chase and seduction - 5/19/2014 10:42:38 PM

Tantriqu

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I *adore* the percolating, effervescent endorphin cocktail screaming through my bloodstream early in a relationship! Quite addictive, and I now understand why most of my relationships last a year or two. Only a few so far engaged my oxytocin and gone on to lovely long-term.
Pros and cons with both: I did regretfully dump a lovely man who couldn't satiate me, and I actually kicked a beautiful but boring lover out of bed, but all others (cough) rose to the sub occasion.

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