Psychology of a bottom/sub

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Psychology of a bottom/sub

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Psychology of a bottom/sub

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/15/2014 6:36:59 PM

daedalusdom

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/15/2014
Status: offline

My wife and I recently got into BDSM. (Four or five months) So far things are truly great. I just want to understand the turn on for her as being a submissive. I truly don't understand it, as being a submissive doesn't seem appealing to me at all. I do like being the dominant, and I want to do a great job for her. Yes, we communicate her wants, but I'd really like to hear other opinions. What's the turn on? Why do you like being a sub?

I should add that in our vanilla life, my wife is a boss and manager of a large group of professionals. As far as I know she doesn't want to take this outside of the bedroom. Or does she?

Can anybody offer their feedback on what the appeal is of being a sub?

Thank you!

Post #: 1

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/15/2014 7:15:34 PM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

Well. I cannot speak for your wife. I think this would be a great discussion for you to have with her.

For me? It's just...who I am. It was who I was before I knew D/s existed. When the dynamic is healthy, it feels safe, and right. The relationship is symbiotic. He can't be Dominant unless I submit. I cannot and will not submit, if he does not lead and inspire in me my deep desire to follow and obey his Dominance.

In that sense, the relationship is incredibly deep, visceral, and fulfilling. It far outshines any "typical" relationship.

However, this is what it feels like for ME. This is the type of power exchange dynamic that works for ME.

If you ask 100 submissive and/or slaves, you may very well get 100 different answers.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to daedalusdom)

Post #: 2

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/15/2014 7:23:10 PM

daedalusdom

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/15/2014
Status: offline

Wow, that is incredibly helpful. I agree that it is healthier than it has ever been in 14 years of marriage.

Thank you!

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 3

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/15/2014 7:26:30 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Ask her if she feels overloaded with decision making at home and would be grateful if you would reduce some of her stress by telling her that you want her to defrost some chicken for tonight and a pot roast on Sunday.

Because outside of the bedroom can be simply that, removing that thirty minutes staring at the fridge trying to decide about dinner.

The Man went to the store with me, watched me dither about in the ice cream aisle trying to pick one ice cream that everyone in the family would like, and then solved the dilemma by telling me to get a mint chip for us, and a different one for the kids. 20 minutes off my shopping trip, right there.

It's considered almost axiomatic that someone with huge responsibilities in other areas of their lives will seek one place without that, in order to relax and recharge their batteries.

And that may be what she gets out of it, the blessed relief of not having to be in charge for a while. As well as the fact that sensation play, of whatever kind you do, just gets her hot.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 4

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/15/2014 7:38:54 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

Oh gosh, I am thinking about desfip scenerios. I am never stressed about deciding about things like food or what to cook. I'm a very decisive person. I am more concern about if my decisions will make people happy, so I hesitate to make decisions and often offer the opportunity to allow the other person to make the decision and adhere to it. But in my head, I already know whatever decision I want to make, all the time, and enjoy making them. I find that when faced with indecisive person, I'm the one who goes in, and take control.

Does that make me dominant? I guess I am very dominant in my vanilla life. But the thing is, notice I say I often with-hold myself from making decisions, because I am attracted to decisive people. And happy to adhere to their decision making most of the time, even if it would not be the decision I make, as long as it does not harm me.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/15/2014 7:39:57 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 5

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/15/2014 7:48:56 PM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

quote:

The Man went to the store with me, watched me dither about in the ice cream aisle trying to pick one ice cream that everyone in the family would like, and then solved the dilemma by telling me to get a mint chip for us, and a different one for the kids. 20 minutes off my shopping trip, right there.

Perfect example of a non kink scenario that totally explains why some of us thrive in this type of power dynamic. Thank you.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 6

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/15/2014 7:58:45 PM

daedalusdom

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/15/2014
Status: offline

These are exactly the things I was pondering. I can certainly understand why it would be comforting for her to submit to me after dealing with what she does all day at her job- making decisions and managing many people. I'm happy to ease some of these burdens for her.

So then my next question is , how does this tie-in to kink? Why does she seem to get-off so much on submitting in the bedroom? Why does she love wearing a collar, leash and handcuffs? This is the part I really want to get right. So far I think I'm doing great, and we've talked about many aspects, but I've never really gotten the answer about what it does for her in the bedroom. Why has this literally turned her into a much more sexual being now that we've discovered BDSM.

I must mention that our sex life has literally never been better than it has lately since getting into BDSM.

Thank you again. This is extremely helpful.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 7

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/16/2014 1:38:49 AM

piopio1949

Posts: 17
Joined: 4/17/2014
Status: offline

Here is my mostly biased and uninformed view:

I honestly think that you are overthinking this. When you ask "why does X like Y?", I immediately think "why does it have to have an explanation?". It is like asking why I like purple or why I am straight. There doesn't have to be a particular reason - it is just because. I would advise you to stop trying to find an explanation to your partner's tastes and simply accept them. Don't you think that she probably feels the same about you as a dominant?

From what I know, there is no silver bullet so I don't think that you are going to find your partner's instruction manual in the Internet. Every person is a world and so the best way to know what she will enjoy best is to talk with her and perhaps try new things and see if both of you like them.

(in reply to daedalusdom)

Post #: 8

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/16/2014 5:28:40 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

Being a submissive is a big part of who I am. As Blonderfluss mentioned, it was who I was before I knew anything about D/s. The same for me with BDSM, my fantasies involved BDSM before I was ever sexually active and before I knew others were into these things too. What a relief I felt when I found out I wasn't the only one and there wasn't something wrong with me for having these fantasies.

What turns me on with BDSM is the excitement, the anticipation of not knowing what's going to happen, the feeling of being completely vulnerable to him and the level of trust I have in him so I can allow myself to be completely vulnerable to him. If I didn't have that level of trust in him that I need to have, nothing BDSM would happen.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to daedalusdom)

Post #: 9

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/16/2014 8:54:08 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

There is no answer to why she finds bondage arousing.
It's like asking why some people really like habanero wings and others prefer a honey barbecue sauce.

It has been postulated that this ties into early training on "good girls aren't sexual". And that if she is restrained, then it isn't her 'fault' that she's having sex and that translates into being more free.

I will say that if you're talking about metal handcuffs, please buy leather or neoprene cuffs instead. The metal ones can cause nerve damage.

And if she responds this well to minor restraints, I'm going to suggest you learn about some basic rope bondage. Erotic Bondage by Jay Wiseman. The Two Knotty Boys, books and videos including free youtube ones. She might really enjoy that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 10

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/16/2014 11:14:24 AM

ite939435116

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/14/2011
From: Tennessee/Georgia/Alabama/Pennyslvania/Ohio
Status: offline

For me, it is about the look on my Owner's face when s/he comes home to see a job well done. It is about being made useful. It is about showing my love and devotion in the truest sense of the word: Service. Without service, love is dead. It is about being a part of something greater than myself. Those are the big draws (at least to me).

_____________________________

"Keep away from the edge." I couldn't remember who had said that to me, or on what occasion it was said, but oddly enough I remembered my reply with startling clarity. "Why? Why must I always keep away from the edge?" ~Susan Kay, Phantom

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/16/2014 1:34:47 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Here are a few possible reasons:

Is it the trust? The higher level of intimacy? Being the focus of attention during play? Giving over (or taking) control after a day at work? Is it a play thing, or does it extend outside the bedroom? Or is it simply that she likes spanking and bondage?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ite939435116)

Post #: 12

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/17/2014 9:55:54 AM

HeldandHappy

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/14/2014
From: CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

Well. I cannot speak for your wife. I think this would be a great discussion for you to have with her.

For me? It's just...who I am. It was who I was before I knew D/s existed. When the dynamic is healthy, it feels safe, and right. The relationship is symbiotic. He can't be Dominant unless I submit. I cannot and will not submit, if he does not lead and inspire in me my deep desire to follow and obey his Dominance.

In that sense, the relationship is incredibly deep, visceral, and fulfilling. It far outshines any "typical" relationship.

However, this is what it feels like for ME. This is the type of power exchange dynamic that works for ME.

If you ask 100 submissive and/or slaves, you may very well get 100 different answers.

Yes to all this! It is deeply fulfilling in many ways.
Others mentioned the relief of not being in charge, and I agree; I am a mother and a teacher, and to relinquesh control and decisioun-making when I can is very freeing.
Like InHisHeart, I was this way long before I knew about BDSM. I have been a pleaser my whole life, and on top of that, my earliest fantasies involved being dominated. I just didn't know what it meant or put that together with my desire to please, until much, much later in life.
Sexually, there's another aspect to it for me. Although I grew up with semi-hippie parents who only ever mentioned sexuality and nudity in positive ways, I have always been a bit inhibited. There's a lot I WANT to do, but it takes another to push me to do it. I always say it allows me fly in the safety of his trusted hands. I'll never initiate doing the things in my mind on my own. But having my partner know I am this way and take on the challenge of drawing all that to the surface is incredible!

_____________________________

Happily taken, just here for the message boards.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 13

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/17/2014 12:46:05 PM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

Can anybody offer their feedback on what the appeal is of being a sub?

It's not an appeal it is just part of my personality. No it is not a turn on...I just am.

(in reply to daedalusdom)

Post #: 14

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/17/2014 5:23:16 PM

FightingChains

Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline

Some bottoms will have extremely differing answers from standard subs because some bottoms aren't subs. Everyone will be different, and everyone will have different answers and reasons as the awesome Blonderfluff said.

When I bottom, I like being wanted by someone who is strong enough to overpower me. That mixture of strength, aggression, a deeper calm, and being wanted is intoxicating. Not to mention the fact I feel like I'm strong because I have to be restrained.

But as has been established on these boards, I'm not a normal person here.

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 15

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/17/2014 8:04:59 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

FS; as I say to my daughter, normal is just a setting on a washing machine.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to FightingChains)

Post #: 16

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/18/2014 2:54:50 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

The appeal is growth. Tenderness. Spirituality. Learning to give, to obey, to serve. Putting others before me, putting that one person, him, before me. Learning respect and learning my flaws. Exposure. Vulnerability. Challenges. Feeling his superiority. Feeling small, warm, safe. Feeling admiration. Feeling humility. Embracing my imperfections. Constantly striving. Looking up at him from the floor, feeling him tower over me. Body worship, cock worship. Availability, his to use. Direction. He keeps me focused. I learn from him.

And, it all makes me fucking wet as hell. That's a pretty big reason, too.

(in reply to daedalusdom)

Post #: 17

RE: Psychology of a bottom/sub - 5/18/2014 2:57:43 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daedalusdom

So then my next question is , how does this tie-in to kink? Why does she seem to get-off so much on submitting in the bedroom? Why does she love wearing a collar, leash and handcuffs?

My opinion is that she wants to feel vulnerable, like you have control over her. Like a hand over a woman's throat. The vulnerability and trust is amazing. Everything gets turned up a notch or two or three when she puts herself at his mercy.

My view, anyway.

(in reply to daedalusdom)

Post #: 18

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Psychology of a bottom/sub

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.093