How do I find my sub's mindset?

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How do I find my sub's mindset? - 5/18/2014 3:19:09 PM

CuriousToBeSub

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Joined: 5/16/2014
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My husband and I are interested in trying the D/s setting. We're both new to it and we've only tried it once or twice. We like it and it's something I'm really wanting to dedicate myself to. My role as the submissive though may be difficult for me to adapt to as a full blown submissive. While I'm typing this, it's hard for me to put it out there and it be fully understood. I like the control taken from me, but at times I want to rebel at my husband's commands. I'm not calling him my Dom as of yet, because I feel like we're both not at the place to where we're labeled as such.

I find it hard to get in the mindset of submissive when the time comes. I do as I'm told, but there's that.. hesitancy, if you will. I feel like I'm over thinking it, but at the same time, I don't slip into sub mode.

I've been reading articles since I'm really wanting to commit myself to this, but I'd like to hear an experienced sub's perspective.

Any thoughts or advice?

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RE: How do I find my sub's mindset? - 5/18/2014 6:35:07 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I'm assuming by trying it you're talking about play; bondage or sensual play or s & m etc. Not him looking at the grocery list and telling you to add potato chips to it and remove the peas.

If so, then yes, it's understandable that it's difficult to go from thinking about work or laundry or your phone call to your mother to feeling interested in play. Especially because traditionally we have sex spontaneously not by appointment. So if he's saying Saturday night at 10, that's scheduling it and by itself can make you feel odd.

What can help is kneeling at his feet with him stroking your hair to help you relax. Or putting a play collar on you. Or a blindfold. The other thing that will help you switch gears is meditation, which is useful in relaxing in every day life as well. Try various things and repeat the ones that work.

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RE: How do I find my sub's mindset? - 5/18/2014 9:42:26 PM

ivone57

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I personally don't think its something you just slip into, its hard to explain.... I may not look like what some would call a typical submissive but I am ... I am head strong and strong willed but there is a time and a place for everything.... as im also a grandmother, a mother etc.... so don't overthink this..give it some time and when the times right you will slip into submissive head space when its the right time... I hope this made sense

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RE: How do I find my sub's mindset? - 5/18/2014 10:19:51 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

When my guy and I first began our connection (we switch with each other), neither one of us had a very easy time on the submissive side. Collectively this was both of our first forays into anything outside of the dominant mentality we both came from. As trust in each other grew, it became easier to slip into that submissive mindset. It just kind of happens.

I think you are overthinking it a bit. And maybe expecting too much out of yourself...and him...right off the bat. Start out small and really enjoy your exploration together. Think of it as a marathon, rather than a sprint. Build trust in each other. For him, he has to get to know your non-verbal cues of when things are going good and when you are in distress. For you, you need to just know inside that you are in capable hands.

Rome wasn't built in a day...and neither is BDSM, D/s, or M/s. But with two willing partners, anything is possible. Good luck and happy exploring

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RE: How do I find my sub's mindset? - 5/18/2014 11:35:03 PM

HeldandHappy

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Joined: 5/14/2014
From: CA
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Are you looking at D/s for sexual play only or 24/7?
What is it about submitting that you find appealing? And what is NOT appealing about it?
These are important questions to ask yourself.
For me, it's not a role or a choice, or for sex - it's just how I'm wired. So it's hard for me to tell you anything that could help, other than encouraging to find what motivates you to be submissive. There's a good thread here, too. "Psychology of a sub/bottom" or something like that, where many of us have explained our feelings about submission. You might find it helpful to read where others are coming from.

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RE: How do I find my sub's mindset? - 5/20/2014 12:26:24 PM

Vgsjohn

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Joined: 1/26/2013
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i would try reading more. there are book Y/you and Y/your P/partner can read. Screw the roses send me the thorns. etc.

Just because Y/you "submit" sometimes does not mean Y/you are submissive. Y/you could be a switch or plain old simple "unsure." There are a lot of website with a wealth of information. Open communication, experimenting, more communication, and so on.

i struggled with who i was for many years within the lifestyle. Top/bottom - Dom/sub - Master/slave - Switch - etc. try not to get hung up on labels. Just enjoy each other.

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RE: How do I find my sub's mindset? - 5/20/2014 2:21:28 PM

imtempting

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You may just want to have kinky sex or perhaps, if your searching for your submissive side your doing it for the wrong reasons or for to please someone's fetish....

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RE: How do I find my sub's mindset? - 5/21/2014 11:48:22 AM

CuriousToBeSub

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Joined: 5/16/2014
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Thank you for all the responses. I appreciate it. I don't believe that I'm trying to force myself to be submissive, but I want to be the best sub for my husband. So far, it has been slow, but I know that's best. Thanks again.

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RE: How do I find my sub's mindset? - 6/7/2014 5:01:53 PM

slaveoubliette

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Joined: 5/22/2014
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so define yourself as a switch until you work this out

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