What does being owned and collared mean to you?

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What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/10/2014 11:16:18 AM

Redsunderrule

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Joined: 4/26/2014
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Recently out of a toxic relationship..am starting fresh. Freaked out but fresh..lol..So many Masters..so many potential mistakes to be made.
I know every "relationship" is different but it seems to many Doms even using the term "relationship" leads to "oh grow up..if you want a relationship go to Match.com." Really?? Ok..I want a lifestyle relationship. I do not want to play or scene or be used by multiple Doms. And as such my question to subs or Doms or? is what does being collared and owned mean to you?
I am a submissive and one that gives 110% to her Master. I want..no need..to serve. But I think that if you own and collar a sub like this..a Master should have responsibility also. To protect and care for your submissive's emotional, physical, and financial needs(if needed).
Am I being naive that the Master should also give back..not just take? Would really appreciate any feedback. You all helped me so much on the "Betrayal of Trust" issue and thank you for that.

Red

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/10/2014 11:37:55 AM

DarkSteven

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A collar is a commitment, a relationship. I think of it as equivalent to a marriage.

You're not getting very good Doms. Is that why you hid your profile?

I've found that keyboard Internet warriors tend to be more HNG-ish than the people who attend events. Have you been to a munch?

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/10/2014 12:10:05 PM

angelikaJ

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I am uncomfortable with the presumption that a master should bear the responsibility of a submissive's financial needs.
If the master makes her stay home, that is entirely different.

I think too often we see examples here of instant collars: just add submissive partner.

Being owned is a commitment on both sides.
It is a manifestation of a D/s (or M/s) relationship.
So take what you believe are the obligations in any relationship, factor in intimate partners, and add the D/s elements.

Define what will make a fulfilling relationship for you and then refuse to settle for less.

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/10/2014 12:16:42 PM

InHisHeart

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I agree with DarkSteven, a collar to us is a commitment, a relationship and for us we're in it for the long haul. Me being collared means we are committed to each other.

The only difference I see between collared and married is marriage is a legality but does not mean the commitment is any greater.

IHH

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/10/2014 12:17:58 PM

DaddySatyr

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Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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It's kind of ironic that you mention "financial needs" because there's a thread, floating around that is getting into financial support.

In general, I believe that there are certain things that dominants absolutely do "give". However, I also believe that nothing is a responsibility. That's where the whole "different relationships" thing comes into play.

What follows is my opinion and works for me. It is strictly my view!!!

I think it is incumbent upon a dominant to exhibit some selflessness because it is incumbent upon the submissive to make everything all about the dominant. Therefore, the dominant must help to re-direct the submissive's energies.

If I demand an extreme level of service from a lady, I must be willing to go that extra mile to make sure I understand her wants and desires.

Specifically, on the issue of financial support: while I understand that the economy is and has been in the toilet and jobs are hard to find and money is tough to come by, I raised three children, I paid an ex-wife child support because she "took care of my child" (she couldn't handle the responsibility so I became the de facto custodial parent and still had to pay her) and worked my ass off to make sure that this time of my life would be "comfortable".

While stuff happens, especially in this kind of economy, if someone isn't willing to take care of themselves, at some point, I can't help them.

Emotional and physical needs ? Well, I have a very strict and narrow definition of "needs". In my view, they are the things without which we'll die.

So, do I have a responsibility to provide food, shelter, clothing, etc.? Honestly, I don't think so. Certainly we might decide to cohabit but, I won't "provide". I will contribute, 50/50. In the case of cohabitation, I guess that would also include food and - to a lesser degree - clothing.

I should mention that in my view, I have no right to take over a lady's finances. That's her job unless she shows herself to be completely irresponsible.

Should that occur, I guess I would be obligated to provide those needs but (to paraphrase a popular 80's song) bitch better have a J-O-B.

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/10/2014 1:39:17 PM

Gauge

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Welcome to the forums and also, no snark intended here, but welcome to the Internet. These are shark infested waters, swim with care.

The short version of my answer to your question would be that a collar represents a committed relationship between two partners. The longer version of my answer would likely bore you to tears so skip down a paragraph or two.

I have always found it interesting that there seems to be a prevalent attitude amongst some dominants that keeps a relationship at arms length. Perhaps dominants that are afraid of commitment use the BDSM dynamic to shelter themselves, that of course could be an entire subject on its own. My point is, that for my way of thinking, a BDSM dynamic is a relationship between two people. How intricate or involved that relationship is, is obviously based on the individuals. If all you have found are people that want something different than you do, then all you have done is found the wrong people. Never let anyone tell you an absolute in BDSM when it comes to something that you want for yourself. If the phrase starts out with, "Dominants/submissives should always _______" and what is said is not for you, ignore it and move on. So, those that have told you that if you want a relationship and that in BDSM there are no relationships, that is fine for them, but not what you seek.

To the question of whether or not the Master should also give back, well, I suppose that could be open to interpretation. As a dominant, I feel responsible to protect my submissive and to help her grow. When we first talked one of the first things I told her is that I wanted an individual, not a doormat. I wanted her to be strong, able to do things for herself and able to think for herself too. So, for me, I feel that I need to help her emotionally by supporting her and being there for her to talk to. Physically, I am there for her too, and definitely responsible for her well being when she is in restraints of any kind. I do not wish to take care of her finances, nor do I think that I ever would unless she wanted me to do so, but she would be involved every step of the way if she asked me to do that for her. I am sure there are some on here that would question whether or not I was a "true dominant" with some of the things I do, but they suit me and my submissive has never thought less of me... in fact, quite the opposite.

If you are recently out of a toxic relationship, then take time to recover and understand why you got into that relationship to begin with, and why you did not recognize the signs earlier than you did. While you may have a very deep need to serve someone, you also don't want to repeat the same mistakes, so there is no rush to leap into a new relationship. I may get blasted by a few people, but I also think it is just fine for a submissive to communicate what she wants from a relationship. If your particular needs do not fit someones expectations, then move on to the next one, unless you both are willing to compromise. For example, if someone wants a "pain slut" and you are not one, then there is no compromise to be reached, however if they want to inflict pain and you want to set a limit on the amount of pain inflicted, then there is a compromise that can be negotiated.

I will agree with DarkSteven that you may be well served by getting into your local BDSM scene if for no other reason then the fact that you can physically be around other like-minded individuals and have lengthy discussions. The forums are a great place to ask questions, however, do not accept advice that does not fit what you want, rather look for things that really speak to you in terms of what you like. You may benefit from a dominant mentor, someone who will look out for you and help you learn and grow without a relationship. It sounds like you do not have a great deal of experience, and what experience you do have has been rough, someone to look out for you may help a lot.

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/10/2014 3:07:10 PM

Wulantowag13

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A collar is representative of a committed relationship between two people. I personally consider it more sacred than the bonds of marriage. It is a two way street. The Dom gives ad much if not more than the sub. It is his responsibility to see to the welfare of the sub be that physical, emotional, psychological, sexual. As for financial responsibility that depends on the specifics of the relationship. If I demand that she remain at home then yes I am responsible for her financial welfare. If she works and maintains her own finances then I do not have an obligation but do generally provide assistance. The third option is a com-mingling of financial resources wherein they are both responsible for the financial well being of them as a couple.

You need to be clear from the beginning what the relationship entails especially when you accept a Dom's collar.

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/10/2014 11:45:16 PM

FieryOpal

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Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
....
I think too often we see examples here of instant collars: just add submissive partner.

Being owned is a commitment on both sides.
It is a manifestation of a D/s (or M/s) relationship.
....

You've gotten many good insights already, and in terms of the M/f you seek OP, you are on the rebound and not ready to be collared any time soon. Any Dom who wants to lock you in right away is a Dom to be avoided.
I will give you a hint. Given your recent circumstances, you should filter prospective Doms by how unwilling they are to insta-Dom you, as a measure of good character. This should be your starting point.
In other words, reverse your screening process. You are operating from a negative platform, and it's always better to do it the other way around. You might have to work off of a very short list, but it's only one Dominant you want.

Good luck finding a caring Master, and be on the lookout for any and all red flags early on, such as inaccessibility and unreliability, excuses not to date, being in a rush to engage in BDSM play, typical signs of Dom-fever (such as insta-collaring) wanting to jump the gun before you both have earned one another's trust, etc.

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/11/2014 2:51:50 AM

RaspberryLemon

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I think you are absolutely right, Redsunderrule. The dominant should also "give" to the relationship--it's a partnership and for it to work, both have to invest time, effort, and energy. I absolutely think that it is a dominant's responsibility to look out for and take care of his submissive partner and their needs. To what extent his responsibilities include will be different for every relationship of course, but at the very base level, he must be willing to do his part of the "give and take" that exists in any successful relationship.

To me, collaring is, as others have said, a commitment to each other and to your relationship.

To me, to be owned and collared means I belong to him--I am his property and his pet. It's my job to follow his lead and serve him, make his life happier/better. As such though, to follow his lead he must be there to lead. Because he owns all of me, and can have me do as he wishes entirely, it is his responsibility to take care of me and my needs (physical and emotional.) It is his responsibility to protect me. It is his responsibility to lead us well and make decisions that have both our best interests at heart.

In our relationship, he owns me as one would own any animal--and as such he is entirely responsible for my well-being. That isn't for everyone, but it's how our dynamic works. Different people will have different levels to which one partner is responsible to the other.

That said, anyone who will balk at you wanting a relationship, or at you expressing what you need/expect from a relationship, is not worth your time. You have a right to choose who you enter into a relationship with, and what type of relationship. If someone disagrees so vehemently with the simple idea that both parties should be willing to give to the relationship, don't give them the time of day. Compromise on things if they are things you can live with/without and still be happy, but don't ever compromise on the important things, your core values and what you NEED from a relationship.

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/11/2014 3:51:40 PM

DesFIP

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Let's not make it all about the doms responsibilities.
You have to take personal responsibility for yourself.

If you pick toxic people for partners, that isn't by accident. You chose them. Something in an unhealthy person is attractive to you. It's your job to change who you are attracted to, and to make sure they are healthy people. It's also your job to become healthy so that healthy people are attracted to you and unhealthy ones aren't.

Financially, nobody likes an avowed gold digger. If you want a dom in order to be supported, think again. That makes you one of those toxic people that healthy people don't go for.

It's your job to support yourself. Not your parents, not your boyfriends. Once you become someone who can handle her own life successfully, then you'll be attracted to other successful people.

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RE: What does being owned and collared mean to you? - 6/11/2014 6:41:22 PM

redsrule49

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LOL..ok..ok..seems "financial responsibility" is a bad buzz word for a lot of Doms. It is the "my" money syndrome I guess. Personally I support myself..have my own house and car. I was speaking in generalities about caring for. But that said I am on disability so my income is limited. If I am owned and collared in a committed relationship I certainly wouldn't mind a few perks here and there..something I did not receive in my last relationship. He was also a "my money" Dom..which meant I had to drive to him and use my gas with no compensation. With no compensation other than his use of me frequently.
And yes do I have to take responsibility for my last relationship..or at least half..never said otherwise. But no one makes perfect decisions all the time and just hope that you do better the next time. That is why I am here..to listen and learn.

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