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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: remembering my place as a slave (8/8/2014 1:32:23 AM)
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I might have some insight here. I started my first D/s relationship with my now-husband when I was 19. It also happened to be my first real adult relationship (as in living together, paying bills etc). So I think I understand a bit of how conflicted you might be feeling and the problems you are having.
To be honest, I was a bit of a nightmare. I was emotionally up and down as I tried to work out how this fitted with my ideas of how a woman should be and what I wanted from life. I made things much worse by having totally unrealistic expectations of myself. He was a little wiser, but in retrospect also a bit naive about how much time and work it would take to set up a Master/slave dynamic.
DarkSteven is right - 4 months is not very long to become someone's slave. In a vanilla relationship, four months is barely past the point where you might say 'I think we have something that could go long term'. To have already made that commitment to each other, with the additional complications of submission - well, that's fast moving. Of course you're going to chafe under his rule.
Add to that (and I know you won't like me saying this) you are really, really young. At 20 you are barely an adult. I promise you will be a very different person five years from now. You are still figuring out who you are and where your place is in the adult world. You are still getting used to more adult relationships with real responsibilities and pressures. Most people don't stay with the same boyfriend they had when they were 20.
Even when both parties are a bit older, both have been into D/s for a long time and done a lot of soul searching to work out what they need it's hard to figure out exactly how they will work together. It takes communication and compromise. You have the extra difficulty of youth and newness. I know, because I have been there. I bought into the fantasy stories about how it should be and surprisingly, real life didn't work out like that. So I got mad at myself and at him, and changed my mind about what I needed and so on...
So my advice for making it work:
- Forget about any ideas of how things 'should' be. Other people's ideas about D/s aren't relevant. Porn and erotica are not realistic. There is no secret society that will deem you 'not a real sub' if you don't do things the right way. All that matters is that it is working for both of you.
- Related to that, bear in mind that your own ideas about D/s might also need to change. Maybe you imagined that you'd have the house spotless every night but it turns out with work and school you just don't have the time and he has to take on some chores - that's fine. Maybe you turn out not to enjoy that hard caning you fantasised about. Fine. Things can be different without being worse.
- Talk to each other. All the time. Whenever you change a rule. Whenever you don't understand or are feeling unhappy. After you play (assuming you do). I don't see anything wrong with questioning an order, if needs be. Tell him what makes you feel good or bad, what worries you, and what you think would help. Listen when he does the same.
- Be a team. Don't keep score. Don't be petty with each other or sulk or deliberately make things hard on each other. Think of yourselves as one team, working together to make things work. That means sometimes one of you will pick up slack for the other, and you will both compromise.
- Take your time. If something isn't working, ease off. There's no prize for getting to ultimate mindless slave status faster than someone else.
- Stand firm on your dealbreakers. If something is a 'must have' for him and a 'no way in hell' for you, then consider walking away. Compromise over small things is healthy. Never compromise your safety or your core beliefs. Don't let yourself be manipulated into a situation which makes you miserable because that's what a slave has to put up with. You are first and foremost a human being and you deserve to feel valued and secure. If someone doesn't listen to you, breaks your limits, pressures you until you feel you have no choice but to agree, or ignores your needs - LEAVE. So many new submissives let themselves be mistreated in the name of being a better slave and they regret it forever.
That said - pitch a fit? Come on, you're 20, not 2. Sulking and tantruming should be long behind you. If you want to be in an adult relationship, you need to act like one. Maybe if you have problems controlling your emotions you need to have a 'time out' clause which allows you half an hour to go for a walk and get it under control so you can tackle the situation like a grown up.
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