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How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 1:39:18 AM

KeepCalmCreepOn

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/28/2013
Status: offline

I've been talking to this one particular fellow for a year now and we've really hit it off pretty well. We talk almost every day through IM or Skype, we have similar kinks (and cyber occasionally), and well sometimes I believe he may be the one. Not all the time but sometimes he'll say something particularly goofy/adorable and I'll kinda just fall. Our interests are pretty similar despite the fact that he's a hardcore gamer and I prefer reading smut/watching anime. So there's that too.

We've talked once or twice about liking each other despite our distance (which is states from each other) and yet he's afraid to put a name on it because we haven't met in RL. And I get and respect that, so I haven't brought it up. But there's something in me that craves more...

Anyway he brought up slave training off handedly tonight. "I'd make you play a game one hour a day during your slave training" or something similar to that. And it made me think, yeah I really want that. To be dominated and controlled by you.

But there's this whole thing about it. First, I have to ask him...which might not go well considering his hesitance of our distance. Then there's the whole, would it be healthy for me to even try this since I do have feelings for him.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking...I just crave something from him. A relationship, domination, or just plain meeting him. I plain to meet him before Christmas...but there's something in me that doesn't want to wait...

What do you think I should do? (because I have no clue anymore)

Post #: 1

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 7:52:55 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

Put pen to paper and make two columns:

Column A: Needs
This is the stuff you have to have for your survival and physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional well being... Food, shelter, water, and some people do not realize that some intimate things are actual "needs"; a caress, soft kiss, cuddle, pat on the head. You will also find that among kinksters, that many things transcend fetish/kink and are absolute needs.

Column B: Wants

This is where the rest of the crap goes, but let's avoid the superfluous/pipe dream stuff and get to relationship wants; these are the things you want in the relationship but the relationship is not contingent upon the wants, though it would be nice. Do you want a spanking for being a SAM or do you need a spanking for being a SAM. Understand the difference between your wants and needs... In essence, know who you are, all things about you, then you can present yourself as a viable partner and won't need a mind reader in your relationship.

Now, your potential partner should have their own Needs/Wants list so you can compare the two. If you're in sync you will have a mind blowing relationship that everyone will envy. The coolest part about column A and column B is they can and will synergize each other, for example, I'm a primal freak and hair pulling is a need for me, it is a lizard brain action with much satisfaction. If having your hair pulled was a need, hand wrapped up tight at the nape of your neck, head pulled to the side, teeth laid to flesh, both our needs would be in sync and we would feed each other's needs. If it were a want for, a need for me, our A&B columns would synergize each other... Which would most likely lead to mind blowing sex, but still working in the realm of a fantastic relationship.

You have doubts because of the "what if" factor; what if I'm too much freak, too little freak, too much slut, too little slut... And these will play on and on in your mind until both of you lay it all on the line... "This is me, columns A & B".

Jus sayin
Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 2

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 8:12:34 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Ask him, open ended. "Where do you see us going?"

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 8/25/2014 8:13:15 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 3

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 8:29:53 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Ah it's so tempting to run with that feeling online and just let it escalate. And if you can see it as a bit of fun that may have an abrupt or non-relationship ending then you'll be okay with it. But if you're the type to fall for someone you like and get your feelings hurt, then I'd stay strong and don't play unless / until you have met.

I'm sure I don't need to say this but I'll do it anyway: catfish.

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 4

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 9:06:10 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

As DS said..... just ask him outright.

Look, you've been chatting almost daily for a year now.
If you don't know him well enough to just ask, then you've been waffling nothingness for that time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn
I don't know exactly what I'm asking...I just crave something from him. A relationship, domination, or just plain meeting him.

If you're feeling like this after all this time then there is something seriously missing.

The way I see it, you have 3 choices....
1) Give him an ultimatum of meeting sometime very soon.
Many people (both sexes) have a habit of stringing people along for a long time if they don't think they'll get caught out. We call them HNG's (Horny Net Geeks) who get their kicks from online-only hook-ups [read that as "Wank Fodder"]. Either that or he has something to hide - like he's already married or committed elsewhere with someone else.
I'm not suggesting he is one of those but it does seem an awfully long time to be kept at arms length without the regrets of not meeting up (you hint at that with you comment of "and yet he's afraid to put a name on it because we haven't met in RL").
If he dodges the issue or baulks at the suggestion (even slightly), I'd say you're on a wild goose chase and a hiding to nothing.
2) Keep the status quo and continue as you are - miles apart. But your cravings will soon start getting the better of you and you'll either search elsewhere or begin to think he's a fake.
3) Cut all ties and dump his sorry ass as a fake and a player that he really is.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 5

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 9:37:28 AM

HeartAndSoul31

Posts: 148
Status: offline

My past experience is this. If it isn't happening pretty immediate (desire to meet or at least talk of it) one or the other is lacking spark for the other. Or as already mentioned, they are in another relationship.
I would plain ask. "Have you ever thought of meeting me?" And take it from there.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 6

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 9:49:39 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

fr

It's been a year of talking. It's not possible to ease into something more than you already have. Time to bite the bullet. 'I think we're really compatible and I'd like to make plans to meet up'.

If he refuses or delays then move on. The best you can hope for is to continue being hung up on him and these feelings. You can decide whether you want to be D/s or boyfriend/girlfriend if and when you have met and decided it's worth pursuing.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 7

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 9:57:48 AM

FelineRanger

Posts: 658
Joined: 9/4/2012
Status: offline

The saying goes "Think globally, act locally" and it applies equally to relationships as well as environmentalism. I have yet to see a successful long distance relationship. You're better off trying to find someone within your local area.

_____________________________

Bill

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 8

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 10:18:43 AM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FelineRanger

The saying goes "Think globally, act locally" and it applies equally to relationships as well as environmentalism. I have yet to see a successful long distance relationship. You're better off trying to find someone within your local area.

Long distance relationships can and do work. The fundamental need though is complete openness and honesty, which, unfortunately, many people are just simply incapable of.

To the OP: You have waited far longer than I would have. Are you in a position, financially or otherwise, to get to where he is? If you are, I would say, just do it. Of course, please be safe about it-- have hotel room, enough money for escape plans A, B and C, etc. He may or may not be who he says he is, and for your own best interests, you need to figure that out, sooner rather than later. If I were a cynic, from what you have said, I would be on the side of his being married, or otherwise committed. Or, he may just enjoy this "online dalliance" for whatever reason. Which is absolutely NOT to say that that's what is going on. Just possibilities.

If I were in your position, I would bring this up with him, outright. "Hey, I can be in (X location) the last week of September (or whenever....be relatively specific)". See what his reaction is. If he hems and haws and doesn't even try to give you an alternate *specific* date, you probably have your answer...he doesn't want to meet. But, you may be surprised. He may be wanting you to make that first move, for whatever reason. At the end of the day, as I see it, you have everything to gain and not too much to lose by putting it out there.

(in reply to FelineRanger)

Post #: 9

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 10:32:55 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

Long distance relationships are more difficult, but they can work sometimes. My guy and I live over 5 hours apart and though we mostly regularly see each other, there are stretches where we go months between visits. We met online here (when it was CM) and maintain communication via text, phone, and email...HOWEVER our relationship really began and maintains through the times we spend together. He drives to see me, I'll drive to see him, or he flies me to meet up with him during the times he travels for business.

That bring said, Ive rarely seen long distance work when someone goes head over heels for a person they only know in an online only sense. Id caution to not get too wrapped up in the online idealized version of this guy and D/s if a real time connection is what you are looking for. Fall for the actual guy, not the guy he presents to you online. He might not be a he, he might not be who he told you he was, he might not know anything outside of what he has read online about D/s, etc.

For a successful relationship, you two need to be on the same page, OP. So I agree with the others. Flat out ask him if he sees this going somewhere. No harm in that at all

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 8/25/2014 10:42:08 AM >

(in reply to littleladybug)

Post #: 10

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 10:47:07 AM

KeepCalmCreepOn

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/28/2013
Status: offline

A few fun facts I neglected to put in because I was tired. :P

1. There's a 16 hour distance between me and him.

2. We have talked about meeting several times. He's asked me SEVERAL times to meet him (because he's well, poor) and I want to but I have responsibilities that I can't pull myself away from right now. So once things start to calm down (supposedly should around October) I'll go meet him, but that makes me want to ask. Have you ever thought of meeting me??? Like going on a plane and meeting me?

3. I've been the bad apple in this friendship/cybership. I've stopped talking to him for months at a time twice (so 4 months in all of barely speaking) because well, 1) I didn't want to deal with my feelings towards him and 2) I just needed time to myself to figure myself out. But he's the one that's tried to talk to me everyday. And not even cyber, just talk about whatever. I ignored him so many times during these periods...and it hurt him. Obviously it hurt him...so he doesn't trust me not to leave again. Because we would be talking for a year and a half if it wasn't for me poofing.

I think that's all I needed to say. Thanks for the advice so far!

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 11

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 11:05:44 AM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn
2. We have talked about meeting several times. He's asked me SEVERAL times to meet him (because he's well, poor) and I want to but I have responsibilities that I can't pull myself away from right now. So once things start to calm down (supposedly should around October) I'll go meet him, but that makes me want to ask. Have you ever thought of meeting me??? Like going on a plane and meeting me?

Honestly...(and I'm not asking this in a snarky way)....would you get a thrill out of him saying to you "hon, I would love to be able to get on a plane tomorrow to come see you, but I can't afford it?". One would think, if he told you he was "poor", he might not bring up the "pie in the sky" ideals. Maybe, if this is a real issue, ask him "if money wasn't an object, would you come here to see me?". That may open up a really good conversation with him, if you want to go that route.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn

3. I've been the bad apple in this friendship/cybership. I've stopped talking to him for months at a time twice (so 4 months in all of barely speaking) because well, 1) I didn't want to deal with my feelings towards him and 2) I just needed time to myself to figure myself out. But he's the one that's tried to talk to me everyday. And not even cyber, just talk about whatever. I ignored him so many times during these periods...and it hurt him. Obviously it hurt him...so he doesn't trust me not to leave again. Because we would be talking for a year and a half if it wasn't for me poofing.

So, you need to deal with your own shit. Hey...no judgments....it happens to all of us.

It sounds to me like you need to put yourself out there. JUST TALK TO HIM. That is, if you are serious about pursuing this. If you're not...that's fine...just let him know.

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 12

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 11:09:43 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

16 hours isn't insurmountable but realistically there's never going to be a situation where you can see each other weekly at that distance. And money and whatever your personal commitments are will further limit the frequency of your visits. So you really need to think about the viability of whether you or he would ever be in a position to relocate. Because the harsh truth is that if not, it's probably never going anywhere. Long distance can work but it does come with extra challenges and without either regular time devoted to being together or a solid plan to get together permanently, it's going to be hard to keep things ticking over.

But either way - unless you actually talk to him about what you want, you'll never even know whether a relationship is an option.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 13

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 11:14:48 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

This is *very* much about your trying to run before you can walk, as far as I can see, KCCO.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 14

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 11:24:16 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn
1. There's a 16 hour distance between me and him.

Irrelevant.
Seriously... whether it's 16 hours or 16 minutes or 16 days, the actual distance is irrelevant.
We are talking about 2 people, supposedly "in love" (at least that's how I read it) and want to be together to form a relationship.

From what I've read and what you've added, neither of you are reading from the same book let alone the same page.
Superficially, it looks good. But honestly, you guys just aren't "together" in any sense of the word in reality.

Quite simply, you two haven't met in a year.
You two don't know anything much about each other and certainly not on any trust level.
You are no better off after a year of chatting than most people cover within a week or two.

And if you really can't find a couple of days to just meet on neutral ground for a coffee and face-to-face chat to see if there's a spark/chemistry or not, then you'd better be ready for a big disappointment.

All the other posters since my last post have said it.
Long distance can work but it needs real commitment on both sides and I don't get that vibe from your posts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn
2. We have talked about meeting several times. He's asked me SEVERAL times to meet him (because he's well, poor) and I want to but I have responsibilities that I can't pull myself away from right now. So once things start to calm down (supposedly should around October) I'll go meet him, but that makes me want to ask. Have you ever thought of meeting me??? Like going on a plane and meeting me?

The things you say here are screaming at me that you two just haven't got that commitment at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn
3. I've been the bad apple in this friendship/cybership. I've stopped talking to him for months at a time twice (so 4 months in all of barely speaking) because well, 1) I didn't want to deal with my feelings towards him and 2) I just needed time to myself to figure myself out. But he's the one that's tried to talk to me everyday. And not even cyber, just talk about whatever. I ignored him so many times during these periods...and it hurt him. Obviously it hurt him...so he doesn't trust me not to leave again. Because we would be talking for a year and a half if it wasn't for me poofing.

Same as the last one.
You (in particular) are not ready for this... Not yet at least.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 15

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 2:59:32 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

As some of the others said, you've been talking daily for a year, just ask him right out where he sees this heading. It's the only way you're going to know what he's thinking. Ask yourself the same question, what do you want and do you see a future with this guy. How does he feel about meeting you in person? If he hesitates to meet you, that says a lot. IMO, until you meet in-person and spend time together, you really don't know the other person.

As far as a LDR, they can definitely work if both partners are determined to make it work, both put forth the effort and both are trustworthy. Master and I (together 7 years) were LDR being 10 hours apart and in a sense we still are at times since I travel back to PA about every two months where my family lives and stay for weeks at a time. When we met on-line, if we weren't going to meet in-person soon after we started talking and move beyond on-line and phone, we would not have continued on with each other.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 16

RE: How to just ask... - 8/25/2014 3:45:44 PM

CloakedProtector

Posts: 70
Joined: 1/5/2007
Status: offline

OP, do this in steps.

1) decide what you want because it is clear from your writings that you would go left then right etc. There is nothing that can be written to help you as long as you do not know what you want.
2) Solve point 1 above WITHOUT considering what he wants and what the difficulties would be. Just what would you want if you had a magic wand and could make it happen in a second.
3) Once you know what you want make the pros and cons related to the achievement of your goal.
4) If the cons outweigh the pro's and your feelings cannot outweigh the cons either then maybe just stay with Skype or if you think your complete live is in stand-still of that then quit and move on.
6) If the pros outweigh the cons then just go for it.
- either you both have a status quo and keep Skyping
- either at least one of you wants to quit if it doesn't work out
- or you could get what you want.

That looks like a statistical interesting position.

< Message edited by CloakedProtector -- 8/25/2014 3:48:18 PM >

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 17

RE: How to just ask... - 8/26/2014 12:35:48 AM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn

A few fun facts I neglected to put in because I was tired. :P

1. There's a 16 hour distance between me and him.

2. We have talked about meeting several times. He's asked me SEVERAL times to meet him (because he's well, poor) and I want to but I have responsibilities that I can't pull myself away from right now. So once things start to calm down (supposedly should around October) I'll go meet him, but that makes me want to ask. Have you ever thought of meeting me??? Like going on a plane and meeting me?

3. I've been the bad apple in this friendship/cybership. I've stopped talking to him for months at a time twice (so 4 months in all of barely speaking) because well, 1) I didn't want to deal with my feelings towards him and 2) I just needed time to myself to figure myself out. But he's the one that's tried to talk to me everyday. And not even cyber, just talk about whatever. I ignored him so many times during these periods...and it hurt him. Obviously it hurt him...so he doesn't trust me not to leave again. Because we would be talking for a year and a half if it wasn't for me poofing.

I think that's all I needed to say. Thanks for the advice so far!

I don't really think this is going anywhere, he doesn't seem to want to put in the effort. Online is fairly easy to maintain, doesn't seem like he's trying to work past that into real life. It doesn't seem like you're satisfied with "relationship lite" and you want more, if he wanted more he'd have done something about it by now. When people have meaningful goals like making enough money for plane fare, they go out and do something about it.

Being poor is something that almost everyone suffers from time to time...it doesn't have to be permanent, people work for the things that matter to them. Why are you supposed to foot the bill to go see him? The fact that he's not making any effort to get to you or offering to chip in to get you out there for a visit says he'll sit on his tush and let others do his work for him and that meeting you isn't enough of a motivator for him to actually do anything even to the point where he's not really discussing it with you except in casual conversation. Maybe he's really shy, maybe he's bad at relationships, maybe he doesn't know what to do with your friendship...do you really want to stick around for that? If he hasn't got the idea of how to progress things in a year then his learning curve might be really lengthy or nonexistent, and you might be waiting for something that'll never happen. Seems likely.

As long as you're willing to accept his friendship on ground that he's comfortable with then he'll probably stick around. If you're ok with that then cool, doesn't seem like it's what you want though. Quite honestly he's broadcasting loud and clear what he's willing to put into things with you, see if it's something that fulfills you or move on. To be quite sure about it, ask him what he's looking to get out of your friendship, if anything, so that you hear it from him clearly and see how you feel about it. See if his words and actions match; if they don't, then don't put much stock into what he says. Anyone can talk.

As it stands you've got someone doing the bare minimum to keep you around, having him ask you to come visit him isn't the same as putting up some cash to get you out there, or getting himself out to you. Actions speak louder than words.

(in reply to KeepCalmCreepOn)

Post #: 18

RE: How to just ask... - 8/26/2014 7:25:10 AM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

What I'm about to say is going to sound harsh.

When I was 18. I did some "online" camming stuff. For one person I trusted- but had never met- next I knew- it was all over the web and he was married.

Meet in person- keep your clothes on- and don't settle for less than you deserve! Don't you think you deserve physical connection? Don't you deserve to be loved by someone who has time for you? Don't you both deserve someone who thinks you're the best and meets you halfway? Someone who loves you, will meet you. If you're fine with having fun and games- thats great- but if you want more (and it sounds like you do), in my opinion, you're barking up the wrong tree.

(in reply to Killerangel)

Post #: 19

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