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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/7/2014 10:23:33 PM   
kkaliforniaa


Posts: 263
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		While people operate differently, myself, I prefer the datebook/day planner method of keeping track of what I have planned.. Apps or reminders on cell phones, you can accidentally hit ignore, and it will not be seen again. The day planner, even if it isn't RIGHT in front of you, when you go back to look at the schedule, everything will still be listed, all on one page, without having to scroll up, down, left, right, etc, that is, unless you erase or tear the entire page out. A person might be more likely to follow this method, if they're interested in following a strict schedule.. But this is just my opinion

quote:

While there is no real risk to participating in the many unproven brain-training games available online and through smartphones, experts say, consumers should know that the scientific jury is still out on whether they are really boosting brain health or just paying hundreds of dollars to get better at a game.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/10/do-brain-workouts-work-science-isnt-sure/

quote:

A new study suggests you better. The study found people who who kept their brains active most of their lives by reading, writing, completing crossword puzzles, or playing challenging games were a lot less likely to develop brain plaques that are tied to Alzheimer's disease.
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/alzheimers-brain-plaques-prevented-by-lifetime-of-puzzles-study-suggests/

quote:

The general trend was that the groups which placed the highest cognitive demands on the participants and also challenged them to be creative (acquiring digital photography skills, learning to make quilts) showed the greatest improvements.
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/d-brief/2013/11/11/forget-crossword-puzzles-learn-a-new-skill-to-keep-your-brain-young/#.VA042MVdV7I


Basically, sites like Luminosity have yet to be proven whether they work or not.. Factor in that a person could easily deviate from one website to another, compared to books of puzzles [which are also cheaper]. But, I am old school and find that a subscription to a puzzle book. or purchasing some while at the store, is easier to focus on, than a website [plus you don't have the excuse of, "but my computer wasn't working"].. .. It also seems like learning new skills helped more than doing crossword puzzles and such [the third link]. Not that there is anything wrong with doing crossword puzzles, they still make you think [for example: a 7 letter word for "great distress"]. I think a combination of learning new skills and doing puzzles would work best..

Ultimately, the decision is up to you on how you want to help your submissive [easiest way of explaining the situation]. This is just my two cents

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/8/2014 6:05:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		My oldest is bipolar, with very little hypomania and a lot of depression.
She finds her smart phone very helpful in managing her day. She sets alarms for a couple of hours before, an hour before and 15 minutes before.
We've also used white boards with great success. You write down the top three things on the list and set the cell phone alarm to do them. When done, erasing it gives a sense of accomplishment. Get all three done and then write down the next three.

But as a person who suffers from depression myself, on really bad days just taking a shower is a major accomplishment. You need to learn about depression and bipolar. Perhaps go with her to meet her therapist and ask the therapist how best to support her.

I will say, that I haven't had a panic attack in years since we've been living together. Because there's someone who will help me if I really need it, and I can always get a hug which relieves anxiety.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kkaliforniaa)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/8/2014 6:13:09 PM   
subrosaDom


Posts: 724
Joined: 2/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jewelcrafter

Tantriqu, that is the reason I was ignoring this aspect of her for so long, even though I thought she would do well in this kind of structure. I kept saying I am thinking with the wrong head and only seeing and hearing what I want and she isn't in a state of mind to be considering this with her, so I won't. She wants to be too free and independent to do this anyway. When she told me she would rather be living on a psych ward or living program just so she has the structure of what she will do everyday, I asked her if she doesn't feel safe and secure without that level of structure and she said she doesn't.

The two she is dealing with is depression and bi-polar, which she does take medication for. The depression has gotten better. So I'm not so much looking for kinky play, as for how to fill out her day beyond her regular chores at home which she could finish in a few hours. She has no problem doing things when asked, but she wants to be told because she doesn't trust her memory, it's kind of bad. She has brought up being told to do things and map out her day to me and her parents are various occasions but her parents just get angry and vulgar about it. I have finally gone from I'll help you figure out your day to I'll figure it out and tell you what to do.

What I am asking for is what kind of busy work can she do to fill out her days between her chores. Some of those chores are seasonal and once fall hits, they are over. As far as lying to me, she hasn't yet, not as far as what she has or hasn't done goes. Her parents are a problem I am dealing with because they are not at all supportive of her. They want what they want of her and expect her to be "normal". Like she can just get over what is wrong with her and they don't like talking about what is wrong with her. I need to use this D/s structure to build up her confidence and self worth, which she mainly has none of right now, but she did when we met. I hope that clears things up a little about what I am asking for advice on?

Edited to Add:
She is in treatment and speaks with her Doc. about a lot of things.


You need to be clear about bipolar. Bipolar I, II or III. BIG differences. Bipolar I (manic depression) requires utterly different treatments than the others. Moreover, only Bipolar I includes psychosis (although it is possible, although rare, for psychosis to be present in separate major depression). What you need to look out for in her also varies greatly depending on whether a psychotic break is possible. It doesn't get much more serious than that.

_____________________________

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

- Nietzsche

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/8/2014 6:14:56 PM   
subrosaDom


Posts: 724
Joined: 2/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jewelcrafter


quote:

ORIGINAL: AnnaOphelia

I rescind my advice. Do not proceed until she's stabilized .

Yeah, I think that would be best.

FieryOpal, I am inclined to agree with you. We have talked a lot about dependency and co-dependency. It's something we have agreed that we both want to avoid. I don't have any intention of transitioning into a full D/s relationship with her, and for her to be very open with her doctor about what is going on in her life. I don't want to enter into full on D/s because of her mental capacity at the moment. Yes, daily structures are a big part of that side of the coin, but I want to remove as much notion as I can of Dom/sub since we really aren't.

We aren't involved in any sort of BDSM play at the moment. Right now I don't want to be. There will be time for that when she is more stable. Her triggers are something I am concerned about and I am learning what her triggers are. In some cases because she told me, others from experience. She doesn't understand the D/s side of BDSM and when I was trying to explain to her about what I learned about one of her triggers while we were out (we were out taking a walk downtown), she was misunderstanding. I learned what the trigger was and how to keep it from escalating, and yes that didn't fix the problem as it did affect the rest of the day, but I learned what causes it and how to avoid triggering it in the future. To her BDSM is bondage and rough play. That's all it's every been for her from my understanding. Her understanding of BDSM is what mine was as a teenager.

Also, I just found out that her parents are leaving for a few weeks and she wants me to stay with her at home. So I guess we'll see how things will work. It will be a vanilla situation minus the daily structure. Without knowing what she is going to do each day, she says she feels like everything is out of control. I've given her suggestions about things she can do, but like I said earlier, her memory is bad and she forgets if she doesn't write stuff down or is reminded. So that's mainly the direction we are going right now. Here is what you need to do today and I'm going to call and make sure you remember to do them. I will put you on a schedule.


Yes, Fiery's advice is spot on. But also please note my post on the different types of bipolar.

_____________________________

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

- Nietzsche

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/8/2014 6:16:14 PM   
subrosaDom


Posts: 724
Joined: 2/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thompsonx


ORIGINAL: GreedyTop


OI!! I'm over 50 and about to move in with my Mom (partly because she wants me close in case she does a sudden slide into decrepitude, and mostly because it will be financially advantageous to us both).

Why isn't there a "i have fallen and can't reach my beer" joke in here someplace



Perhaps it should be: I have fallen because I've just reached my 20th beer.

_____________________________

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

- Nietzsche

(in reply to thompsonx)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/8/2014 9:44:35 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline 		So normally I'm an optimist in threads where the consensus is break up. But in this case, have you considered running for it?

What I'm hearing is it sounds like this is a fairly new relationship and you aren't that committed yet, she sounds like she's got serious problems and trying to micromanage her life is going to be a big burden on you and not actually a healthy replacement for dealing with her problems.

Are you really sure you want to sign up for trying to fix her?

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/8/2014 11:00:23 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

You say she has "severe memory problems," but you don't know the origin of them. Don't you think that finding that out should be your priority before setting off on this bit about micromanaging her day?

Memory problems could be caused by medication she is on or it could be a neurological issue. In either of those cases, "training" her brain to remember isn't really going to work.

I hate to be the downer here, but if she really wants to improve her life, then she needs to want to do it herself. It sounds as though she is looking for you to do it for her and then she can just follow whatever schedule someone else makes for her.

Sorry, but anyone who says that they wish they were in patient or in a group home because it would give them structure is in NO position to be in a relationship, and as GotSteel noted above, you should seriously consider whether or not you should be getting involved here.

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/9/2014 10:07:12 AM   
makeitblue


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/13/2011
Status: offline 		Rules are Good, Tasks are Good. ask her what need to happen in her life tomorrow and then give her the guidance to accomplish that. Give her the Order. If something that happens during the day and she needs help making a decision, she should contact you.
she should always make her bed, and have other ritual tasks that she must do and report on.

while she may be capable of deciding and accomplishing things in her life, she doesn't want the responsibility.

you don't need to go looking for things to dominate her, just work with what she does or need to do to feel accomplish/

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/9/2014 2:44:29 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: makeitblue

Rules are Good, Tasks are Good. ask her what need to happen in her life tomorrow and then give her the guidance to accomplish that. Give her the Order. If something that happens during the day and she needs help making a decision, she should contact you.
she should always make her bed, and have other ritual tasks that she must do and report on.

while she may be capable of deciding and accomplishing things in her life, she doesn't want the responsibility.

you don't need to go looking for things to dominate her, just work with what she does or need to do to feel accomplish/


Because it is perfectly acceptable to allow an adult to live a responsibility free life, right?  After all, someone with mental health issues and severe memory problems needs a caretaker.  Of course, the fact that if you are unable to make decisions for yourself and be a responsible adult, we will overlook the reality that you are not in a position to consent to a kink relationship.

People need to get a grip on reality.  A dominant is NOT a therapist and a D/s relationship does not replace the need for mental health experts.  The idea that as a "dominant" you automatically have the intelligence and ability to assist in such a thing is not only ridiculous, but dangerous.

(in reply to makeitblue)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/10/2014 4:49:43 PM   
Jewelcrafter


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/26/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You need to learn about depression and bipolar. Perhaps go with her to meet her therapist and ask the therapist how best to support her.



Yeah, I have been reading up on it. Depression isn't something that I haven't dealt with before. My mother was chronically depressed for a number of years at the turn of the century. I worked with her and her therapist and she is doing much better now. We are planning on going to therapy together and I've already gone to a couple support groups that she has started attending. The ideas you listed were good. I'll talk to her and see about using them. I'm glad you and your eldest are doing better.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subrosaDom


You need to be clear about bipolar. Bipolar I, II or III. BIG differences.


I was not aware of the different types and will ask her. Thank you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

So normally I'm an optimist in threads where the consensus is break up. But in this case, have you considered running for it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

~Fast Reply~

You say she has "severe memory problems," but you don't know the origin of them. Don't you think that finding that out should be your priority before setting off on this bit about micromanaging her day?



I want to clear a couple of things up here. The dating is new, yes, but I have known this woman for a year and a half and our feelings towards each other grew. There are a number of factors as to why we didn't date sooner. We both wanted to but neither one of us said anything about it or were in a situation to pursue a relationship beyond friends. We were close friends and talked and hung out on almost a daily basis. As far as not knowing the origin of her memory problems, I do. They are varied, from a learning disability, to medication, to trauma from vehicle collisions.

Her situation now was not her condition always. When we met she was a very strong and independent person. She didn't get along with her parents but who does? Her memory, while perhaps not the greatest, wasn't as bad as it was now. A series of bad choices and unfortunate events put her in this situation. The person she was, her strength and determination is still there. I see it. It is always showing up, more now that she has overcome her deep depression. She is still depressed, but not like she was.

If I sound like I want to or am trying to micromanage or dominate her, that is poor explanation on my part. That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to support her and give her back her self confidence and help it grow. The explanation may seem counterproductive to that end, but I'm not the one going to decide every little thing she does. It's going to be joint. I'm going to help her figure it out and help ensure she doesn't get overwhelmed by what she is doing. To help her take pride in what she has accomplished and not beat herself up when things don't go as she wanted or expected them to.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/10/2014 5:45:26 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		No, you haven't said that you are going to micro manage her, but whatever the causes, this woman is in pretty bad shape. It's one thing to suggest ways she can keep on track, such as making lists and using alarms. It's something else entirely to create the tasks for her to do, given her current situation.

Many people do get along with their parents after they leave their teenage years behind and become adults.

The point that I, and some others are trying to make is that from what you have written here, this woman is in no position to be entering any kind of relationship until she gets more stable. Perhaps you should be a friend to her, as you have been and offer support and encouragement as opposed to direction.

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/11/2014 9:34:54 AM   
CountDrackula


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/19/2014
Status: offline 		Takes many answers and jams them into one super answer and get someone else to fix your pipes...I am no pipe mechanic but pipe is pipe..condensation is condensation contamination at source is contamination at source and so on- how hard can this be exactly harder than your relationship apparently.

Do you love her, does she love you.
These things matter
I would not be enthralled at the prospect of bringing structure to chaos, certainly not 24/7, the point escapes me. I am not really sure what they expect anyway, nor the source of this do my bidding malarkey fetch me my slippers bake me more cake...net myth methinks, but this is just me i guess.
Besides, you can give someone a list of stuff to do and they do as they please, as all on the list is not to their liking - which is where a sound thrashing comes in.
My memory problem is severe too, I will most likely completely forget I posted this come back next year and give the exact same opposite answer.

Now, the further problem is her list may not to be to her liking and she passes time till she finds someone who gives her a better list, at least in her mind these minds often function this way, only that way, for they are all that they can ever be, caught forever in oceans of time, adrift.

Someone else said help her stand on her own two feet - there is no shame in helping her do so.
Depression is a curious ailment and sometimes people are all that they can ever be...which is where the love bit comes in.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/12/2014 2:39:03 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Mood disorders tend to be comorbid, meaning you don't get just one.
My daughter's memory or focusing problems are due to ADD. She has several other issues as well.

We find if the anxiety is properly controlled, that the lesser issues are not as severe.

Has she discussed this with her psychiatrist? She might wish to add some Strattera to her medications if it's this severe.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to CountDrackula)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/12/2014 5:45:26 AM   
CaptR


Posts: 425
Joined: 4/25/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jewelcrafter


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jewelcrafter


We are 30 by the way. I am living at home because the pipes in my house were freezing in the winter. I'm waiting for this winter to pass to ensure that the pipes, which were supposed to be fixed in the summer, don't freeze again. So any suggestions?


I actually had a look to see which part of Austrailia you lived in... Considering how friggen hot it is in the Midwest.


There was moisture getting into the gas line and freezing in the winter, cutting off the heat. That problem was supposed to have been fixed, but I'm waiting for the first freeze before I move back in again. I've moved out twice because of it and this last year the pipes weren't completely emptied of water so the water heater broke. So if the house still has heat in the winter, then the problem is fixed and I'll work on cleaning up and doing some remodeling.

You seem to have received quite a bit of guidance on your relationship. About those pipes .... have you tried any insulating ideas? Surely after draining or replacing the lines that would be a logical step forward in moving back permanently. For the water pipes you could try electric insulating tape (I wouldn't recommend that for your gas lines). However, for that you could try preformed insulation fitted to the size of the line once you solve the moisture issue. Could go a long way to making short work of getting you two under the same roof if that's in your plan.

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/12/2014 11:05:29 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		I am terribly sorry for the thread hijack, I must address something. OP, I will write to you on the other side about this as well. I can possibly help you fix the problem.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptR

However, for that you could try preformed insulation fitted to the size of the line once you solve the moisture issue.



This will not help on a gas line. The moisture is not condensation from a temperature difference, nor will it prevent the type of freezing described. I was in the HVAC trade for 15 years and 12 of that was for a propane company. Never cover or insulate a gas line outdoors or indoors for that matter unless they are designed for it. If you insulate black iron pipe or copper pipe outside, all you are going to do is trap moisture inside the insulation and degrade the pipe over time and it will leak.

I apologize again for the hijack, the safety nut in me comes out when I see something like this.


_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to CaptR)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/12/2014 12:25:45 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		This.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Kirata)
Profile   Post #: 36
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