How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (Full Version)

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arnoud -> How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 7:59:35 PM)

For me, the fantasy is new, and unmet, but, like it or not, the fantasy is decidedly there, to stay.

However, I feel it shouldn't be about "my" fantasy as much as about hers, yet, if two can't tango, where is the romance?

With that as background, I ask how much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?



GoddessManko -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 8:02:44 PM)

FR; It sounds like you are more of a kinkster or bottom rather than submissive. My sub gets refueled from MY happiness. If you ask MOST male Ds about their subs, the dynamic is pretty much the same, they outline the rules, there is communication and hard limits are of course honored but everything outside of that is fair game.
Edited to capitalize "Most".



Blonderfluff -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 8:09:13 PM)

Short answer is this...D's don't "cater" to their /s 's. That would just fuck the whole thing up. If we wanted that, we would stay vanilla.

Now. "Meeting needs " would be another thread.



Kaliko -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 8:10:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: arnoud

With that as background, I ask how much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?



None.



shiftyw -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 8:15:44 PM)

OP- I identify as a bottom because I get a lot of my needs filled from my Top- we don't have many power dynamics.

HOWEVER- aligning yourself with a mate that shares fantasies that are also yours- is important.



DaddySatyr -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 8:20:54 PM)


I'm going to put the fly in the ointment, here.

The answer to the original question:

quote:

ORIGINAL: arnoud

With that as background, I ask how much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?



... is a simple one for me; none.

However, if we remove two words, "cater to" and we replace that with: " ... attempt to include in the over-all dynamic?", my answer changes.

To my mind, it is part of the "partnership" of an actual D/s relationship that I indulge her in some of her wants and desires. It is my responsibility to listen to her hopes, dreams, and aspirations and decide where they fit in to my over-all plan.

I think that there's a bunch of dominants who buy into the "my way or the highway" thing and, to some degree, I buy into it, also. However, if we're talking about a relationship as opposed to "play time", part of "my way" has to be to allow for her well being, also.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?



shiftyw -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 8:23:13 PM)

^ This exactly.



Lucylastic -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 8:42:23 PM)

I like to hear them, I line up with an awful lot of the same kinks as he, and some weve adopted from each other after some limits were removed.
It doesnt mean Im going to act them out, not without looking into its intricacies and planning....it also obviously depends on the fantasy, but if the time is right, I may incorporate it..with something Im enjoying. If I didnt like it I wouldnt do it. It happens occasionally. Of course a reasonable explanation as to why I wouldnt do it would be forthcoming.
As our time together is limited in reality, we have tried sharing fantasies before visits, a few of which made it to happy reality, but now we tend to be more in the present and go from there, I like the spontaneity of it, moods can change, health issues, cats, dogs, people at the door, phone calls etc....
some are so simple, some deep rooted, some so complex they appear scary...
Fantasies are not all the same so for me, it depends on the relationship.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 8:44:04 PM)

Very well said, DaddySatyr. It expressed my thoughts exactly.



GoddessManko -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 9:01:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


I'm going to put the fly in the ointment, here.

The answer to the original question:

quote:

ORIGINAL: arnoud

With that as background, I ask how much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?



... is a simple one for me; none.

However, if we remove two words, "cater to" and we replace that with: " ... attempt to include in the over-all dynamic?", my answer changes.

To my mind, it is part of the "partnership" of an actual D/s relationship that I indulge her in some of her wants and desires. It is my responsibility to listen to her hopes, dreams, and aspirations and decide where they fit in to my over-all plan.

I think that there's a bunch of dominants who buy into the "my way or the highway" thing and, to some degree, I buy into it, also. However, if we're talking about a relationship as opposed to "play time", part of "my way" has to be to allow for her well being, also.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?


I disagree, I have been an s before and in that dynamic I had not expectations, AT ALL, except his happiness.



DaddySatyr -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 9:09:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I disagree, I have been an s before and in that dynamic I had not expectations, AT ALL, except his happiness.



That's all well and good, I suppose, if it worked for you but, I'm wondering if the statement "I have been an s before" doesn't belie the fact that unfulfilled desires aren't the reason you now identify as "d"?

Just a thought.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?



GoddessManko -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 9:18:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

That's all well and good, I suppose, if it worked for you but, I'm wondering if the statement "I have been an s before" doesn't belie the fact that unfulfilled desires aren't the reason you now identify as "d"?

Just a thought.



Good question, it started out fine and dandy until I found myself back to full scale control of everything towards the end. He was too weak for me.



Arturas -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 9:46:20 PM)

quote:

However, I feel it shouldn't be about "my" fantasy as much as about hers, yet, if two can't tango, where is the romance?

With that as background, I ask how much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?


So true about the tango because this is a dance between two people. Just check some books on D/s and they are all about how to fulfill yours and her fantasy. That's a big part of the relationship, a relationship where we do go out to dinner and a movie but we also focus and are successful in fulfilling each partner's fantasy and if we did not work this way then one of the partners in this duet will go elsewhere.



GoddessManko -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 10:03:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

However, I feel it shouldn't be about "my" fantasy as much as about hers, yet, if two can't tango, where is the romance?

With that as background, I ask how much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?


So true about the tango because this is a dance between two people. Just check some books on D/s and they are all about how to fulfill yours and her fantasy. That's a big part of the relationship, a relationship where we do go out to dinner and a movie but we also focus and are successful in fulfilling each partner's fantasy and if we did not work this way then one of the partners in this duet will go elsewhere.


I never read the books in actuality, I'm afraid to admit. *smile*
I just know what works for me and what doesn't, as should anyone else which of course, varies all over the spectrum. Having a kink list in my mind is not terribly submissive. I like all forms of kink, some of my tastes visually might be a tad tongue in cheek but I enjoy them nonetheless. A Dom has enough responsibility as is and as long as that responsibility is fulfilled, I see no issue in how they conduct their play. Those are as follows;
1; Making sure your sub is safe and happy, meaning actually caring about their feelings, but not necessarily catering to their wishlist.
2; Not abandoning your sub.
3; BE RESPONSIBLE.
4; You're the leader so dammit lead and they will follow.
5; Focus more on the intangible aspects of your relationship vs the tangible. Play shouldn't matter that much in my mind in a "relationship" as much as trust in a power exchange.
6; The fantasy of an s in my mind should be to simply well...submit. Where's the fun in consistent predictability?
7; Vanilla parts of the relationship are a huge aspect of it of course, and during that time it's understood whether or not there would be protocol as outlined by the D I would hope but otherwise, it should be a day like any for a vanilla couple.



smileforme50 -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 10:50:13 PM)

The fact of the matter is, there are some things I like, some things I don't like, some things I hate and some things that I absolutely despise.

The other fact is that, yes, I do get most of my pleasure from knowing I am pleasing him.

But there is a balance between the two. If I absolutely despise enemas and watersports and that's ALL he wants to do. I don't care how damned "submissive" I am, there is going to be a point where I'm going to say "this is enough, I don't like this anymore".

No...the D shouldn't "cater" to the s, but at the same time it would be nice, as DaddySatyr mentioned, to be included in the "relationship" and have some of my wants and desires met.

If it were not important for the D to indulge the s in some of her wants and desires, and this was the way most D/s relationships operated, then what would be the purpose of the s having any discriminatory taste or standards for deciding who she is going to submit to? If I had absolutely no expectations of what I might receive from the Dominant, if my one and only concern was my service to him and only that he is happy, with no consideration for myself, then why should I even bother having any selective standards for who might be the right Master for me? If all I'm ever going to think about is serving him and making sure he is completely happy, with no thoughts toward my own fulfillment (because after all, simply serving him in any way I can is the only thing that gives me pleasure) then why would it even matter WHO I decided to serve? Because as far as I'm concerned....I've had a few different dicks in my mouth and as far as I'm concerned, they all have felt and tasted "close enough" the same that it really didn't matter who it is. And if all he is going to see me as is a cum dump, then he's just another dick in my mouth.

If he wants true heartfelt dedication and service, then I have to know that he also has my interests in mind at least some of the time. As unsubmissive as that might sound.



GoddessManko -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/12/2014 11:14:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

The fact of the matter is, there are some things I like, some things I don't like, some things I hate and some things that I absolutely despise.


Right, I'm sure. Those are the "hard limits"
quote:

The other fact is that, yes, I do get most of my pleasure from knowing I am pleasing him.

But there is a balance between the two. If I absolutely despise enemas and watersports and that's ALL he wants to do. I don't care how damned "submissive" I am, there is going to be a point where I'm going to say "this is enough, I don't like this anymore".

Soft limit.

quote:

No...the D shouldn't "cater" to the s, but at the same time it would be nice, as DaddySatyr mentioned, to be included in the "relationship" and have some of my wants and desires met.

What are these wants and desires? I am interested as I like most things kink centric. (Genuine question.)
quote:

If it were not important for the D to indulge the s in some of her wants and desires, and this was the way most D/s relationships operated, then what would be the purpose of the s having any discriminatory taste or standards for deciding who she is going to submit to? If I had absolutely no expectations of what I might receive from the Dominant, if my one and only concern was my service to him and only that he is happy, with no consideration for myself, then why should I even bother having any selective standards for who might be the right Master for me?

Again, this all falls under hard and soft limits and compatibility so I'm confused.
quote:

If all I'm ever going to think about is serving him and making sure he is completely happy, with no thoughts toward my own fulfillment (because after all, simply serving him in any way I can is the only thing that gives me pleasure) then why would it even matter WHO I decided to serve? Because as far as I'm concerned....I've had a few different dicks in my mouth and as far as I'm concerned, they all have felt and tasted "close enough" the same that it really didn't matter who it is. And if all he is going to see me as is a cum dump, then he's just another dick in my mouth.

I'm sorry, but this kind of makes me think you're not even considering the conversation involving limits, at all.
quote:


If he wants true heartfelt dedication and service, then I have to know that he also has my interests in mind at least some of the time. As unsubmissive as that might sound.

Actually your interests should be in mind all of the time, including things that he might know about you that you are unaware of yourself. Everything executed should be for the dynamic between the two of you to grow stronger daily, I would like to believe.



DaddySatyr -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/13/2014 2:53:32 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Good question, it started out fine and dandy until I found myself back to full scale control of everything towards the end. He was too weak for me.



Yeah. I hear ya. I hate it when these dominants don't put in the effort to fight with their partners.

Once a dominant's spine has been removed, they are kind of worthless.

My best friend spent years, wondering why she couldn't find a dominant guy that would run the relationship the way she wanted. Then, like a baseball falling back down to earth underneath the centerfielder, it hit her; she was a dominant!

Mis-identification is a bitch, also.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?



InHisHeart -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/13/2014 5:33:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: arnoud

With that as background, I ask how much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?


There is no universal rule that says what a Dom should/shouldn't do or what a sub should/shouldn't do.

Within a relationship, whether a fantasy is sexual or non-sexual, what should or shouldn't be done is up to the Dom in each individual relationship. With saying it's up to the Dom in each relationship, that's assuming the dynamics of the relationship, the Dom's expectations, the sub's expectations were discussed before getting fully involved in the relationship. I would also change the word "cater" to "how does this fantasy fit into the D's life and the relationship".

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a Dom that didn't give a damn about my needs, my fantasies, my happiness and who had the attitude that I am there to cater only to his needs for his pleasure with no thoughts of my own happiness, being content and fulfilled in my life.



GoddessManko -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/13/2014 7:32:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


Yeah. I hear ya. I hate it when these dominants don't put in the effort to fight with their partners.

Once a dominant's spine has been removed, they are kind of worthless.

My best friend spent years, wondering why she couldn't find a dominant guy that would run the relationship the way she wanted. Then, like a baseball falling back down to earth underneath the centerfielder, it hit her; she was a dominant!

Mis-identification is a bitch, also.







Yah, it had been 10 years since I had ever been in the ballpark of a long term vanilla, much less submissive relationship and he was someone I felt was worthy of such a thing. In every relationship, I'm either the mommy or the boss, it never fails, that kind of power, control and planning can be exhausting and also my inherently submissive nature as a woman has always sort of been at odds with my nature as a D. (Being topped is a HUGE deal for me). I thought I would give it a go and realized that being strong is simply my role in life, it's something I can't shake, even while it takes far less for others to lament.
I will be honest, while I was submissive to him during that short time, his happiness, feeling needed, doing things to make daily life better, brought me joy and contentment. It is why I label it as D/s with him as the D. A sub I was friends with even said I seemed "softer", LOL. So the relationship literally changed me during that time.
However, I'm happier as a D, I am far more competent as a D than he ever was and he couldn't handle the power exchange as well as I'd hope even with constant coercion. Just extremely weak to me as the relationship got more maternal than anything.



GoddessManko -> RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to? (9/13/2014 7:49:28 AM)

ALSO AS A FOOT NOTE, CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME AND MY SUB;
goddess.manko: i have to ask you
goddess.manko: do you ever feel malcontent towards me?
slave: Never
goddess.manko: is my happiness what brings you purpose?
slave: Yes. It is
slave: When you are unhappy, I am unhappy.
Last message received on 9/13 at 10:44 AM
goddess.manko: see subbie? that's why I adore you so much



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