How to deal with Poly (Full Version)

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purplesub -> How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 9:59:47 AM)

I am currently getting to know a wonderful Dom. I am enjoying him and his words of wisdom. I like the time we spend together. But he is not a monogamous Dom. He likes to play with several other sub/slaves. I am trying to deal with this, but find it hard to understand. If anyone has had this dilema, I would appreciate the advice. I am not sure if I will be able to continue pretending it doesn't bother me.
I know I have no tendencies to poly but because of the distance, I am trying to consider it in this relationship.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 10:04:50 AM)

Look at what about it, specifically, bothers you. Most find that it's a feeling that they're not special in some way...that they're not important...that they're just one of the horde (or harem or whatever). Then, talk to him about it and discuss what he can do to calm these fears. If he's not willing to work on reassuring you and you're not happy being one of several, I'd say he's not a match.

Master Fire



nstyslave -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 10:05:58 AM)

purple, quite simply put...poly is not for everyone, it's that simple. Only you know if it is something you can seriously accept with this Dom or not...but chances are (based on my experience) if this is an issude that is bothering you already, it isn't an issue that will go away. Be true to yourself, and your needs.

Best of luck,
nsty



juliaoceania -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 10:29:20 AM)

I would read threads in the poly section of this message board and ask questions there. You will probably find more people on that forum to help you with your specific feelings and issues than in the generic submissive forum. There are just more people that post there living what you are talking about.

Good luck



RavenMuse -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 10:50:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: purplesub
I know I have no tendencies to poly


End of story. If you try to be something you are not then you will end up causing problems not just for you but for him and for anyone else involved too.

If you are a round peg, don't try and push yourself into a square hole!



PlayfulOne -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 11:03:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: purplesub
If anyone has had this dilema, I would appreciate the advice. I am not sure if I will be able to continue pretending it doesn't bother me.
I know I have no tendencies to poly but because of the distance, I am trying to consider it in this relationship.


This is not a dilema.  You say you have NO poly tendencies and he says he is poly.  Where is the dilema?  Your going into this being dishonest from the start by pretending this doesn't bother you. 

You are not going to be happy playing with a poly group, he is not going to be happy with you and the drama you will create "pretending".

Why make everyone unhappy?  You already know it is not going to work for you.  Do not try and make yourself fit into a situation that  you know from the start is not going to work.

K



SubMizu -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 11:50:37 AM)



quote:

I know I have no tendencies to poly but because of the distance, I am trying to consider it in this relationship.


You've already been dishonest to your Master by not letting him know of your strong feelings about poly. Come clean and be honest with your Master or you'll cause drama not only with him but with his other subs. Being poly myself, I would have a hard time forgiving someone who was directly dishonest any members of a poly group/BDSM group.

Sorry if I sounded mean, hun...
Good luck...

~Sub Mizu



littleone35 -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 12:11:35 PM)

You say he is a wonderful Dom and i am sure he is to you.  He is poly and you have to condiser the fact this is not the Dom for you.  You should talk to him and tell him how you feel about poly.  I told my Master right from the start i wanted to be the only one.  You should be honest and let him know it bothers you.  If he does not want to stop and it bothers you that much you are wasting time on a relationship that will be very troubled.  Good Luck

Matt's littleone



sleazybutterfly -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 12:16:29 PM)

I agree.. you really need to just come clean.  You answered your own question.. you don't have a leaning toward it.. if you don't.. no person be they Dom or not is going to make you feel any better about the situation.  I tried this, because I was very fond of a Dom..and his wife..but in the end.. I had to be true to myself..and I knew I wouldn't be happy and therefore.. in the end I would make them both unhappy.
 
You need to just be patient until the one comes along that is perfect for you..and you don't have to change yourself at the core to be with.
 
~Andrea



eruditegirl1 -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 2:09:06 PM)

Thank you for  posting this subject...it is something I have been thinking about in a similar situation...and after reading the posts...I feel justified in my own insecurties in my situation...



ownedgirlie -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 2:22:53 PM)

I used to feel insecure on this subject.  I no longer do.  I used to think I couldn't "do" poly.  I no longer think that.  I know that what he may or may not do with others had no affect or bearing on what he does with me, or on my relationship with him.  There have been many areas of growth in my relationship with Master which have been uncomfortable for me.  That doesn't mean they weren't things I didn't ultimately want, or couldn't ultimately do, or had to walk away from him over.  For me, poly is one of those things.  I knew early on just how much I was getting out of my relationship with him.  Yes, it made me uncomfortable for awhile, that he worked with others, and it took me a long time to resolve that, with his help.  But I personally was not willing to walk away from all that good that he gave me, over that particular struggle.  You should talk to him about it.  We can't decide this for you, but I can indeed share my struggle.  One thing you must never do, however, in this or any relationship, is pretend.   The truth will always find the surface.  Better to deal with it right away - to get it out in the open so you both can figure it out, and he can understand the workings of your mind.  Pretending is never good, particularly in a dynamic where trust and honesty is so important.  In my particular case, I wanted to be okay with it.  Maybe that is what you need to ask yourself - - do you want to be okay with it?



kinkiminx -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 4:50:52 PM)

Be honest with him. I've found with most people, you're either poly or you're not, in a similar way to whether you're straight, bi, or gay. Some are so poly they'll have multiple people in the same relationship, some so mono they can't stand the idea of either partner even kissing someone else, and most in the scene are probably somewhere in between.
You've said yourself you're not poly, and saying he likes to play with other subs/slaves and finding this a problem really does make it sound like you are really not poly. I'm not poly, but I'm not mono to that extent either -I could be described more as a BDSM person with swinging tendancies  - and yet the idea of a poly relationship would make me distinctly unhappy, so I don't reccommend you try if you know it can't work as its the best route to getting hurt.
If this is just play and nothing serious, it may work as that, but it sounds as though you are already becoming attached and do enjoy his company.
Not to mention you're forgetting one of the most important things in D/s -Honesty! Don't make that mistake, I have made it before and it leads to big problems and pieces to stick back together.

Talk to him! Yes, you may end up splitting, but being honest now will save you a lot of problems later.

Good Luck!




ShiftedJewel -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 4:59:11 PM)

(fast reply)
 
Ummmm, am I missing something here? That doesn't sound like poly... it sounds like an open relationship to me.
 
Jewel



babysburnin -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 6:05:18 PM)

I do not find it strange at all that you would have mixed feelings.  If HE is your one-and-only, but you are not HIS one-and-only...How do you keep your emotion/devotion in check?  How do you give just enough to give to HIM, but not hurt yourself?  I'm not of the belief that slaves and subs should not concern themselves with their emotions - just serve and be happy for that.  I think emotions pretty much always lurk...and if they are conflicted, they will do harm.

There seems to be distance/miles between you.  Have you been told you may not have others in your life?



smilezz -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 7:04:21 PM)

One is either poly wired or they are not.  If it's not a poly issue, then it's an open type of relationship issue.  If something like this is not your bag of chips, then be honest with the man and tell him.  Find someone that wants the same things as you do.  You are only in a getting to know you stage, now's the time to step up to the plate and negotiate where this is going.
Open relationship/poly is not easy, it can be done, but if you are starting out not wanting something like that in the first place, why continue when you know it's what he wants and you will only be miserable if you can not accept it.   Give it more thought, and get into more discussion with him about this.  Lots of discussion.

~smilezz~



ravn -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/12/2006 10:43:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: purplesub

I am currently getting to know a wonderful Dom. I am enjoying him and his words of wisdom. I like the time we spend together. But he is not a monogamous Dom. He likes to play with several other sub/slaves. I am trying to deal with this, but find it hard to understand. If anyone has had this dilema, I would appreciate the advice. I am not sure if I will be able to continue pretending it doesn't bother me.
I know I have no tendencies to poly but because of the distance, I am trying to consider it in this relationship.



Umm, if you are tru;ly trying to make this work- why wouldn't you bring it out in the open in stead of pretending? Nothing can be built on a foundation that isn't there, and anything that is will surely fall.



mylittlesub -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/13/2006 9:29:45 AM)

I wonder if you're not moving too far ahead in "getting to know a wonderful Dom".  You imply that distance is also an issue - perhaps it is simply too early in the relationship to expect either of you to be exclusive?

I know several others mention polyamory or polygamous relationships - but it is certainly possible that he simply enjoys scening with other submissives.  Maybe I'm wrong here, but poly relationships (in my opinion) aren't quite the same thing as just scening with others, although its certainly not monogamy.  I found that, for myself, being secure in who and what I am helped a lot in understanding and accepting the option of "playing" with others.  And now, I can't imagine not having that option for myself! [:D]

You said you are trying to deal with this but "find it hard to understand"... have you tried talking with him about it in detail?  Have you put some thought into why exactly it bothers you?  For me, the self-discovery of breaking through the societal 'norms' and really addressing the core issues of what and who I was and wanted to be in my submissiveness helped.  Separating what I thought was 'expected' vs. what I really wanted and needed surprised me... for so long I had simply accepted the rules and expectations of others as being what was right for me, but the beauty of being in a BDSM-inspired lifestyle is the encouragement we can give each other to really explore our feelings and inner needs to find a balance for what works for US.

As others have said, the best thing I could suggest is that you are true to your feelings - but spend as much time as you need to really exploring and understanding WHY you feel the way you do, and then don't be afraid to change course if its not working.

Best of luck!



TxBadMan -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/13/2006 9:36:32 AM)

quote:

I am trying to deal with this, but find it hard to understand

Purplesub, poly relationships are hard enough to sustain without 'trying to deal with them' from the inside. Not everyone is wired for this kind of relationship. It does not make you any less, it just means that you are not wired for Poly [:)]
Thre are no short cuts to making a relationship work, and that includes all relationships. Within poly there has to be acceptance, total and complete acceptance, devoid of jealousy and anger, with the others in the relationship.
By starting out with just 'trying to deal ' with it, you are dooming the relationship to fail from the start.

My advice would be to back out of the relationship, explain to the young man why you are backing out; be totally honest about it. 



OsideGirl -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/13/2006 9:47:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: purplesub

He likes to play with several other sub/slaves.


I don't even consider this poly. To me poly is a relationship in which all are involved and responsible to each other. To me this is more like having a harem.

You're either poly or not. And even if you're poly, it won't work unless everyone is feeling secure in the relationship.



slavejlb -> RE: How to deal with Poly (7/13/2006 9:53:21 AM)

give the polys a cracker,
yes i am silly today, it is friday.
i have to agree with bobbie, if all your partenr or even you are just playing with others, that is not a poly, for a poly the best way to describe picture the old moron ways where there were mulit wives. or the old hippie communies. that is a poly.
today some are called leather familys,
hope this has help some
take care and be safe
slave jlb



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