FieryOpal
Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
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ORIGINAL: BecomingV
Does a relationship have to be comprised of healthy people?
Absolutely, in my world and for somebody else to become a part of my world.
Not only healthy, but happy with himself, not torn & conflicted about his submissiveness and his manhood. Been there, done that.
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If you enter into a relationship, are you expecting to leave the partner should they become physically or mentally ill?
I am probably the most loyal person that I have ever known (on par with my parents, who showed me loyalty & devotion by how they lived their lives). So no, never. Also been there, done that.
In my parents' time, in their generations, this is not an option. You stick by your loved ones through thick & thin. You honor your marital vows. You are a faithful friend. You are a person of your word. (In my dad's day, a man's handshake was more binding than any signed contract. An honorable man's word was everything.)
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In terms of love, do you feel that ill people deserve to be loved whether that be physically or mentally ill?
No question. But there's a big difference between entering into a relationship knowing that the odds are stacked up against you (and the other person), and finding yourself dealing with that situation later on in your intimate relationship.
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If a mental illness caught up with you, would you want others to love you anyway?
No brainer. There might be some individuals who would pull away and distance themselves in order not to become a burden on their loved ones, but I am not too proud to seek comfort.
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There are no implied judgments in those questions. My tone is curious and pragmatic, if that's not coming across. I care about addicts and their struggles, but I can never be in a relationship with a person with that affliction. I don't have what it takes to do that person any good. I also wouldn't do well with those whom are chronically depressed.
Understood. If you know that you can add no value to someone else's life, nor s/he to yours, then it's best to move on. It's never a weakness to know your own limitations and to be honest. It is also fair to not knowingly become involved with an addict who has a tendency toward co-dependency.
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This isn't because I think ill people are unlovable, but rather it's because I have a high value and need of trustworthiness which in concrete terms, means stability. I guess I could judge myself to be weak in this way, and perhaps even having a lesser capacity to love, than those who don't have this need. But, I don't. I accept that we each have our own strengths, preferences and limitations.
This comes with maturity, oftentimes maturity in age. You know what will work for you and your interpersonal relationships, and what won't.
I know I don't have time to invest in re-inventing the wheel with somebody. He needs to be at the place where he can meet me where I am, and vice versa. It was different when I was much younger and thought I could afford to take risks, as younger (more optimistic, less cynical) people are prone to do, before stark realities set in.
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After all is said and done, we never know what the future holds, so I'd hope that should my partner become unexpectedly ill, that I would stretch myself to love them as they need.
This works both ways. Chances are that you may be called upon to care for an elderly parent before then, as I was. You will find that you have hidden resources within you that you never knew you had, and the same with your partner.
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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau
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RE: Tolerating mental instability to get your freak on - 
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