Collarchat.com

Join Our Community
Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

From Damascus with love .. Chapter1


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Creative Writings >> From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/10/2014 4:15:59 PM   
ashjor911


Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline
hi guys I finished chapter 1 & I want some feedback so far, is my writing worth it?
please don't be gentle I can take it

From Damascus with love
This is true story
Chapter 1

It was 11-11-2013 I don’t recall the name of that day all I can remember is the date when I told myself it’s time to go out from this hell whole.
At 5:00 am that morning I went from my home in the heart of old Damascus to the area where you can the bus to (Aleppo, or al-Qamishly). & I can still hear the sounds of heavy machine guns in the back ground & maybe a flying jet in the distance, I took the bus going to al-Qamishly which 950km on the north of Damascus at the borders with Turkey & also it’s near the Iraqi borders as well.
On the way to the bus station I stopped at 4 check points where armed men ask about everyone ID card & sometimes (when a young man happened to be there) his military book, they asked me where I was going & what I was carrying on my back bag. But as usual I kept the fear inside of me & did not let it out … kept my head down & just kept going.
When I reached the “bus station” I can hear the driver calling for passengers to come & ride with him to his destination & other drivers would come to me & ask if I was going to Aleppo or where I am going to so they can give me direction to the right bus, because this is Damascus & everyday there is new rules, new places for busses & so on. I reached the bus & asked the driver who was outside of the bus smoking.
Are you going to al Qamishly?
Driver: yes … are you alone?
Yes I am alone… why?
Driver: do you have your papers with you?
Yes I have my papers with me…
Driver: do you have any luggage?
No … I pointed at my back bag & said: this is it.
Driver “smiling”: open it.
I did & so he searched my back bag for any reason he had & he kept smiling the whole time as he knew what I am going to do & where.
Driver: ok … the price is 3500 S.P you must pay in advance & if anyone on the road calls you for questioning … or anything I am not going to wait for you… is that understood?
Yes … yes of curse. I paid him & got up on the bus to put my back bag on the shelf above my seat & I did put my light jacket on my seat so people would know that this seat is taken & went out of the bus to buy some food & water for the journey, I had 10 new packs of smokes already inside my bag … I did not need any smokes then. On my way back to the bus I lighted a smoke & in a hurry I inhale & blow smoke out as the driver started the bus … meaning that he would be going soon. As I put my smoke down & went up into the bus … the driver closed the door just behind me & start moving before I sat on my seat or even reached it. I placed my water & food on the seat next to me & sat in my seat which was in the middle of the bus; because I did not want anyone to suspect me first thing they come up on the bus.
The driver kept going & stopping at check points & as usual (because it’s a bus) an armed man (sometimes to men) would climb the bus to inspect the ID cards of the passengers… maybe sometimes ask questions (dumb questions most of the time) like where are you going? & why or are you alone? Some of them don’t know how to read the damn ID card so after he asks for it he would ask what my name is?
As a Palestinian, the ID card I hold is different than the Syrian one … it’s the almost the same only difference is in one of the corners that’s why they suspect that its forged but they all know after all that its real & would let me alone after all.
We kept going & as the bus stopped for points … I turned my head to count how many people were on that bus to see that all together we were almost 20 in a bus for 54 or 55 people. It’s ok because its war time & people don’t travel nowadays in dangerous busses, but well some of them did not have a choice & for me … I had to get out as soon as possible.
As the driver drove the east side of Damascus roads … sometimes he had to take other road just to avoid being shoot at or even blown to pieces by any side of the conflict & as I can recall there was a chemo gas bombing not so far away from us almost 2 weeks ago. But he kept going towards the horrible check point for the Syrian army or one of its branches it was where everyone has to go down from the bus & take their bags with them & go in a line to the officer in charge where he would inspect the ID card on a computer connected to the network of the Syrian system…
I stood in the line in the middle as usual & waited to my turn to come but as others armed men walk around the line & inspect other coming cars I noticed that they are winking at each other & pointing at me like I was the one who are looking for … & after 15 minutes of waiting it was my turn with the officer who had his personal (AK47 & 9mm pistol) on the steal desk next to his pack of (Marlboro & the zippo lighter). He did not ask for the ID, its common thing you are here you have to present your ID, & he did not look up at me until he saw my birthday & smile this smug smile where you know deep down in you that you are in a deep shit now… he put my ID card on the reader that reads it & open the page where everything they know about me is on that page, so he began this questioning…
Officer: ok (******) where are you going?
Me: to Al Qamishly Sir.
Officer: why are you going there?
Me: to attend my friend’s wedding Sir.
Officer: what’s your friend’s name?
Me: Mahmoud Sir.
Officer: Mahmoud? Mahmoud what?
Me: Mahmoud al badawi Sir.
So he checks the name & Mahmoud’s page is also … ok I mean he is not wanted for any reason… so far I am good.
Officer: where he lives in Qamishly?
Me: in Tai neighborhood Sir.
Officer: give me your military book.
I put my back bag down & took my military book from a zipper & gave it to him without any word… he pointed at one of the armed men next to him in a sign to “get your ass of that chair & search this fucker back bag you fucken son of bitch”…
He move his hand in a sign for me to go out from the line & come to a side where he can take other people IDs & conteneu his job… the solder who was searching my bag did not find anything unusual so the officer gave him my ID card & my military book & told him to go to the commander on site, he did & soon the commander he was “lieutenant colonel” & start talking with the officer who was on the PC, soon the commander told him to let me go, but he did not do it, he kept me there & gave me my back my bag food & water after taking some chocolate I had well, the solder took it & ate some & gave some to the officer without even asking me.
After 5 minutes the bus was almost ready to leave & I wanted to get on it, but I did not say that or tend to the officer kept doing his job & start talking to me.
Officer: well, (******) what do you think I am going to do now?
Me: I don’t know sir…
He wanted a reason to take me to prison or just send me home because I think he knew that I was on my way to flee this shit they call a country. He then told the solder to search me personally & so he did, he almost can feel my passport in front of my manhood in a compartment in my underwear… I hold my breath as he did do the search, when I finally finished slapped me at the back of my neck & told me to face him again.
Officer: I am not going to let you back in that bus unless you give me a reason to do so (******)…
As he was asking me to bribe him, so I did say
Me: well Sir I can give you a thousand reasons why you should let me back.
Officer: just one thousand? … now it’s clear that all he wanted is money & it’s between me & him to make a deal so I was scared but not that scared just because he did not find anything & I was almost in the safe zone.
Me: how many reasons you want Sir?
Officer: five thousands… & make it quick.
Me: sir I don’t have that much reasons & I want to go to my friend’s wedding & stay there for a couple of days & come back… I need some reasons with me.
Officer: how much you are willing to pay (******)?
Me: just a thousand Sir… I hold my ground & stare him right in the eye, my heart was pounding & I can feel it in my throat, but I did hold my ground & said:
Me: sir I have not been working for the last 6 months, I don’t have a work… I don’t have anything to tell you the truth I just want to see my friend maybe he has a job for me.
Officer: make it fast then 1000 its, hurry if you want to catch your bus…
I did had a 1000 S.P in my front shirt pocket in cases like this so I handed it to him got my bag & walked my way to the bus after few steps he start calling me….
(******)…. I walked back to him … yes sir?
Officer: you don’t these back? Showing me my ID card & my military book… I smiled & said: Yes Sir … sorry Sir. I took them & kept walking back to the bus.
The driver opened the door for me & after I was in the bus he drove away & closes the door after… the driver yelled at me: I did not think you were going to make there young man! You must paid him didn’t you?
Me yelling back him: yes Sir I did 1000 S.P.
Driver: just 1000?
Me: well, he asked for 5 but I only gave him 1… take it or leave it.
The driver was shocked that I did make a deal with that officer & it worked for my own good, but he was surprised that I got away with only 1000 S.P., he said eventually: good for you… never fear those bustards… all they want is money.
I did come to seat behind him so I did not have to yell & said: my heart was in the back of my throat the whole time, but I did not let it out & I don’t have much money… I left that seat & went to my old seat ate what left of the chocolate I had brought so anyone cannot take it away from me without asking… I even gave some to the driver & the old lady who was setting behind me.
It’s a long journey … I should get some rest, I told myself but since when I sleep in a moving car or bus for that matter, every 15 minutes of the road we would stop for a check point for the Syrian army or the free Syrian army or even for any thug or a group of thugs that thinks they can take one of the passenger’s a hostage or even try to take one of our things just because they can, I really never thought they would ask for my military book if they are free Syrian army or another group of rebels but they did & it made me think that they don’t fight for the right cause, not all of them after all … just the people I ran into.
Anyway, we kept going & stopping at checkpoints it was November & the days are getting shorter but it was not that cold, & I am used to hot weather November that year was a part of summer it was still hot on day time & in night I used my light jacket & I had that with me.
We reached the city of “Tadmor” its historical city in Syria that goes back to the 2000 BC & the bus stopped just 100 meter before a checkpoint which had been closed for the day… yes that can happen in sundown in Syria & people on the road are forced to stop & stay the night in their cars or in a local mosque, that was it we had to step out of the bus & went to the near mosque just outside “Tadmor” & we slept there till it was down & the mosque have to open for the first prayer of the day, when I went out the bus was started & the driver was already there in line for the checkpoint.
After that checkpoint I started to hear gunfire noises getting closer & closer as we keep going towards (al Qamishly), we started to move into an area where the check points are different, simply because the armed men are not army or free army but they are (ISIS) or in Arabic we call them (Da`esh) & the other group are fighting them are (Jabhat al nusrah) both are the same thing to me… well, they are Islamic extremists & part of them controlled by al Qayda, & we would have to stop on every checkpoint … well, if we did not they would shoot us all the way back to Damascus & we don’t want that would we?
We stopped at 3 Islamic checkpoints & each one of them is more horrific than the other, some would ask if you pray of not & some do give a shit if you don’t, & some ask about if you smoke or not, if you do they will cut the two fingers of your hand where you hold the cigarette, if you don’t know special parts about the prayer you would be fucked, I had to be 100% sure about my answers & I did without any hesitation because I was praying & I still do.
(Al Qamishly) itself is a city where Assad regime is controlling the city & his Kurds friends he gave them weapons & they would keep the city safe & take orders from him, I did not give a shit, it was my last stop here in Syria & I am not going back.
As I step down from the bus, it was almost 4PM & I needed a taxi or minibus to take me to my uncle friend’s house where they are waiting for me, yes I have 2 uncles & 3 cousins waiting for me there because I was number 6 & I did not risk of going all 6 of us together in the same bus its risky. I have to go the address in my wallet, I took it out & memorized the address & looked around for a taxi, I did not find one… ok time to ask around, I did & managed to get on a minibus going that direction, I went with it paid the price & I got off in the street I was looking for. I kept asking & walking till I reached the house at 5:30 PM. I knocked the steel door & one of the house ladies opened.
Me: hi my uncle is (Abo Ali) is he here?
She: are you number 6?
Me: yes I am number 6.
She: what’s your name?
Me: my name is (******), when she heard my name she smiled & open the door for me & pointed where I need to go to meet with uncles & the cousins. I did go where she pointed & the door opened & there they are, sitting down & waiting, sipping tea in the afternoon.
After I shake their hands we sat down to discuss what our options in getting out are, without getting caught by the Kurds who guard this area from the others who try to go inside Syria from turkey, but what about us trying to get the hell out? I would really want to get out of here & make it to Istanbul as soon as possible knowing that my older brother is waiting for me there.
My older uncle & his friend who we are staying at his house were talking & after sometime he start by asking: are you trying to get to Turkey (this question was directed to my older uncle) abo Ali?
Abo ali: yes, yes we are.
His friend: where are you going?
Abo ali: to Istanbul, we want to find a jobs there maybe earn enough money to send back home so our children can eat.
His friend: I can help you with that, I have a friend & relative who (smuggle) people out, he is my wife’s brother & I trust him, he is a good man.
Abo ali: can you call him & we can meet to discuss it, how much dose he charge?
His friend: I don’t know “Abo Ali” I really don’t, but I can call him on his Turkish phone & maybe I can work something out… but are you all going?
Abo Ali: yes, we are all going.
So the good man asked his wife for his phone & he did call that guy & spoke with him for 10-13 minutes, I can still remember him talking in “Kurdish” which I don’t know anything about.
He was an old man in his late 60`s, right eye is small & black the left one is almost white from diabetes, when he finished the call he turned to my uncle & said:
The man is going to come here tomorrow in noon to take you all to his home & there you can discuss everything & if it’s ok…. Tomorrow you will cross into turkey.
Abo Ali: ok my old friend.
They began another dialog about how things got chanced in the last 3 years & how many people did die the process; a dialog is often heard & talked about, almost every day.
Before I know it … it was dark almost 8:00 PM & they prepare a dinner for us, we did eat & after that we drink some tea & we kept talking.
But here is the funny part, because this area is guarded by the Kurds it does not have electricity 24/7 I mean if they are lucky it would come 4 hours /day. That night the electricity never came, I know my luck.
We slept in the guest room, a room so old that its walls were made of Clay or mud & the roof was made from trunks of trees & wood & above is also clay, which makes this room warm in winter & cool in summer. I did not fall sleep easily, but I did & woke up at 9:00am the next day.
That morning we gather around our breakfast which was waiting for us & they talked about stuff, I did not pay any attention to what they were talking about, I was just quit & thinking of what road I have in front of me?... what tomorrow have for me?
After breakfast we went down town, & I was amazed by how big this city was, how much people are still here… we went shopping for the road… canned food & other stuff. I didn’t buy anything, I just wanted to leave this shit whole & get it over with.
We finished around 2:00PM & we met my uncle’s friend in the market down town he told my uncle that the (smuggler) is in his son shop; his son was a butcher, so we went to the meat market. Soon we were there & his son said: dear god you missed him, he was just here & he left minutes ago, but he will come to our home as I invited him for lunch.(he smiles) but I will not be there to eat it or say good bye to you guys, so … good bye now in case I don’t see you after.
We went to my uncle friend’s home & sat there waiting for the smuggler to come, the lunch was ready & the lunch was served, but no smuggler? I started to ask myself where the hell he is. What happened to our appointment? … We ate that lunch & after that drink some tea, I went out for a smoke & I can hear them talk in the room, the phone rang & I can hear the old man speaking in Kurdish… a moment later he said: the smuggler is coming now & you have to prepare your things… there is no time he is on his way here to take you to turkey. My uncle asked how much does he want? But the old man did not know, I thought in myself this is scam.
We went in a hurry to the guest room, took our things & in 5 minutes time we were ready… it was almost 3:00 pm & we waited for the smuggler to come. 3:10 then 3:15 oh dear good 3:30 he still did not show up …. 3:45 still no word … 4:00 nothing, few minutes after 4 here he is … in a Chinese pickup truck were he came down shake our hands one by one & told us to get in the car, of curse back side of the truck, if you can call it a truck. He was not the driver, the driver did not talk to us & once we were on the truck he drove … & drove for 20 minutes & I remember once we were in a checkpoint after our smuggler wave at whoever is at the checkpoint he would let our car go. Till we stopped at a house small country house of one floor & the bathroom is on the other side,
We went inside & we were told to stay in the living room, the smuggler did came with us into the house & after he welcomed us here it was business, we agreed on his price which was 10.000 SP for each person X 6 = 60.000 SP which equals +-200 US$ that day, & it was time for prayer, we prayed & after that we gave him the money, the deal was: that his nephew is going with us to show us the road after we cross into turkey, a car will come & pick us up to the safe house if we want to eat, rest, maybe take a shower & after that his nephew would take us to the bus station where we can go to Istanbul.
Is a fair deal to me, the price is too much, but looking at the situation, I did not have any choice, after we drink another cup of tea, it was the sundown, & this means that it’s time to get moving. The smuggler told us to go out & get into another Chinese pickup truck & sit-down after we did so he got a blanket & throw it over our heads to cover us, his nephew went in the front next to the driver & we drove a way, not on roads, but into the fields after rough 10 minutes the car cannot continue & we have to do so on foot, we went down from the back side of the pickup truck & went into a dry water stream & the nephew told us to keep our heads down so “they” cannot see us. The car went back & after 5 minutes it was ok, we can move now running , but you cannot run with your head down I had to lower my entire body & run as fast as I can while the freaking nephew & another kid (14 years old boy who was with us but I did not pay attention to him until now) were yelling at us keep your head down & hurry… hurry. After an agonizing 20 minutes of continues running we came to the border wire, it was old & rusty almost 40 Centimeters high, which I can jump over easily, & it was running again 2 minutes & we faced another wire this time it was a wall of wires 3 one high one in the middle & one down, & an X shape was in between also from steal wires, we struggled to get over it my pants where cut during the process my uncle (abo ali) cut his leather jacket & his pants also, my other uncle (abo hamza) also cut his pants his shoes & his jacket. & we kept running, not for long we had to cross an international road & go all the way to the other side & wait for the car to come.
We were there, it was not dark & I can see that the nephew is nowhere to be seen & we all alone with this 14 years old kid who keeps yelling at us to keep down so no cars can see us & keep talking on the phone in “Kurdish”… its dark now, we had been lying for over 15 minutes & no car, finally the car came & the kid keep yelling hurry, hurry get your ass in the car move, move. We struggle to get in the car it was Fiat for 5 persons & the driver & his girlfriend & another friend were already in the car, how can the car get 7 people more? My uncles were on the back seat where I & 3 cousins where behind that seat in the area for other stuff & boxes, the girl started to speak to us in a very poor “Arabic”: would you like some water?
Abo Hamza took the water bottle from her hand & drank after he offered to his older brother, but soon we went off the road & she was saying: we will take you now to a safe place where you can wash your face & then we will take you to the bus station.
The car stopped in the middle of nowhere next to small River or a stream of running water & they told us to get out of the car & wash our faces in that water,
I did not follow that order … deep down in my gut something was wrong & I don’t want to turn my back to those guys, then she was speaking to the driver in Turkish or Kurdish & then she said: you have to give the driver 5.000.000 Turkish liras for him to take you the bus station.
I told her: we had a deal with your guy in Syria & we paid for him, so he should pay you, not me.
Abo Ali: yes we did, & we don’t have money.
She: your deal with whoever it was in Syria we don’t know anything about & we have to get a new deal now or we won’t drive you to the bus station.
Abo Ali: no we had a deal & we paid there, here (he grapped that boy) this is the guy who took us from Syria let him call the smuggler & work a deal with him not me.
They started talking to the boy in Kurdish or Turkish till he made a call from his phone to the smuggler & gave the phone to the driver, they talked & he was yelling at the phone, something was wrong.
So the girl looked at us & said: ok go wash your faces in the water & we will discuss this later.
I told her: no I will not wash my face in the water & I was angry at her that I yelled.
She: keep your voice down we don’t want the “Janderma” (Janderman Turkish word for police) to come & catch you?
Me: I want the Janderma to come & catch me … hell I want them to catch you also. ( I knew that the Turkish police don’t do any harm to a Syrian fleeing Syria).
The driver & his friend did understand me one of them went back to the car & took something from the passenger seat & hide it behind his back the hole time he went back at us.
In the mean time I was still angry & yelling: I will not pay anything to you, I had a deal with your guy in Syria & I am not paying you.
When they heard this from me I heard a sound of something (when someone make the gun ready to fire), this Click noise & one of my cousins did heard it to but he was faster to tell his father who got upset & warned us to watch out & not to turn our backs to these guys walk backwards slowly till there was a gap between us & them & then he yelled RUN.
We ran away from them almost 25 minutes of running then, we did not know where the hell we were… after some arguing & actually a word fight between me & the older uncle (abo Ali) which was his fault in the first place, & yet he was getting upset that I wanted to go back where they left us & go out on the open road till I reach the town. Because we were running in a circle for the past 25 minutes.
I was the last one in the running marathon because I was the only smoker & I am not used to running that fast, I mean I just crossed a border for the god’s sake… after going back to the point where they left us I kept going the opposite direction when they brought us till I found a man who was walking with a woman I raised my hand in a greeting & I asked him in English: sir where is the police? The police (Janderma) he pointed to a mountain where a far red light is. He simply did not understand anything except the word (Janderma). So I asked again: where is the bus station? (polman) & I was singing the act of driver… he did not know what the hell I was talking about so I thought I have to ask about the town, in the town maybe we can find someone speak Arabic. So I asked: (Nusaybin) ? he did know the name of the town so he pointed at the lights up on the right it’s not that far we can reach it in 30 minutes. So I raised my hand again in a greeting & said (Salam). I kept moving… few minutes later I found an open store, I went inside & asked for direction, but that boy did not know what the hell I was talking… even sign language did not work… so I kept moving till I was on the international road one more time… this time there was a Crossroads so we did cross to the other side knowing that we are going at the direction of Syria, but then I saw two big trucks waiting & some stores are open… more than 4 of them so I left the gang & went alone. Because none of which wanted to go with me. So I went & once I was near the two trucks I saw a man waving at me saying in something in Turkish, I did not understand so I yelled back at him: Arabic?
He: yes where are you going?
Me: where is the bus station?
He: you are in it… this is it where are you going to?
Me: Istanbul, wait my other relatives sitting there wait here I will go call them & come back to you.
He moved his head in agree & went back to his shop, I went back to the gang & told them this is the bus station; they almost did not believe me until they came & saw it with their own eyes. On the way back to the bus station, a group of Turkish nice men came to help us with our back bags & they called someone who speaks Arabic because none of them spoke English, the guy I saw earlier did not see after.
Anyway the Arabic speaking guy came & told us that we have to wait till 12 AM when the bus will come to take us to Istanbul. We did bought tickets & told the owner of the office that we don’t have anywhere to go to, we have to wait here. & he agreed. Well, he was working for the bus company that will take us to Istanbul.
After we done with the business it was time for tea, Turkish Tea this time & I did not like it, the Arabic guy stayed to know why the hell we look like ghosts. So we told him the story, my uncles did, I went to the guy behind the desk & asked if he can connect my phone to his internet connection over wireless so I can post something online … I have been almost 2 days offline something I have not done in some time. & he did type his password with pleasure which gave accuses to my location & I posted something over Facebook to let my family & friends back home that I made it from Syria safe & in one piece. After two hours I was board & there was nothing to do. The uncles & their sons fall asleep which made the guy behind the desk upset, but did not say a word.
10:00PM & the phone rang & they guy told me that the bus is running late so it will be maybe 1-2 hours behind schedule, I was fine with that, actually I did not give a shit.
1:32 AM the bus came & they guy rushed us out to the bus, finally I said to myself, once I step foot inside the bus all the people where sleep, 5 minutes later we took off, to the road to Istanbul. I did not know why I fall asleep but I did not sleep much as the buss keep stopping every 3 hours for a break & I would go outside for a smoke, 6:00 AM we were just on the north of Aleppo, almost 400 km are gone & 1200 km to go.
Every 2 hours the driver mate would take his cart & come to the passengers one by one to ask them if they needed a drink hot or cold?
That made the break every 3 hours really helpful where anyone wants to go to the restroom or something. Just saying. The bus kept going at 90km/h speed which drove me crazy, we were moving so slow, later I know it was the speed limit in turkey & the driver cannot get any faster than this. I forgot about the running now, almost my thigh muscles were hurting me badly, but the beauty of Turkey kept me looking from the window on the lovely side views, after we stopped in Ankara the capitol I don’t know how much we will keep moving, something inside my brain told me that we are going from Asia to Europe you fool, so shut up & enjoy the road.
8:00 PM the driver mate told me that its our last stop before Istanbul, & its 4 hours now nonstop till Istanbul. So I went into the station I asked the guy where I can find a phone?
He said: at the back Sir.
I went back & I could not find the damn phone I came back to him & said: can I use your phone I have money, but I need you to change it from Syrian liras into Turkish liras. This guy looked at me & said: are you Syrian? He did not wait for an answer … he removed his mobile from his belt & gave it to me so I called my brother who was waiting & said that when we get off the bus I should call him for direction to our meeting point.
I hang up the phone gave it to the guy & asked him: how much do I owe you? I took some money from my pocket & show it to him. He replied: no need my friend, just pray for me… “the prayer of an Oppressed man is accepted by God”.
I said: are you sure you don’t want anything?
He said: it’s just a call… just pray for me.
I left as I know he was a Muslim trying to help a fellow Muslim indeed of a help & don’t want anything in return. I got back at the bus after smoking the usual on stop smoke, & I cannot stay still on my seat… my heart keep bouncing from my chest to my throat & back again, the bus moved & moved into the roads, the tunnels & the huge tunnels all the way to Istanbul, after 2 hours the driver mate told me that we are now entering Istanbul & we would be 2 hours more to reach the center of the city. I told him surprisingly: 2 hours?
He replied with a huge smile on his face: you never went to Istanbul… wait & see. So I did I kept my phone charging to the touchscreen that was on the bus, later I know that every bus for huge distance traveling have touchscreens all over & in some busses wireless. I never got on a bus where touchscreens everywhere.
Anyhow, the bus kept going & going to the destination, entering tunnels, & going out of them eating all the way to the tips of mountains & climbing all the way down of valise, going on huge bridges where you can see houses are down there? Its beautiful old city & I did not saw it yet. I mean really when did you drove over a bridge where something 2000 years where down the bridge?
Finally at 10:55 PM the bus stopped & it was it. I am now in Aksaray square Istanbul.

here is a photo to explain: its a big one so bare with me guys
photo

I hope I did not bore you to death.


_____________________________

"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/10/2014 4:29:33 PM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline
I don't like to to stare at a computer screen too long so to give this its proper due I am going to print it off and take my time reading it . . . as soon as I buy some more copy paper tomorrow.

Seriously, it may be a few days before I get back to you on this but I do intend to do so.


_____________________________

Do you know what the most awesome thing about being an Atheist is? You're not required to hate anybody!

(in reply to ashjor911)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/10/2014 4:59:32 PM   
ashjor911


Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline
let me upload the hole chapter in PDF format for you then .... sounds good? any site you recommend ?

_____________________________

"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla

(in reply to Marc2b)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/10/2014 6:53:41 PM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

let me upload the hole chapter in PDF format for you then .... sounds good? any site you recommend ?


I don't know of any sites off hand but don't feel like you have to do anything on my account. Like I said, I just want to give it the proper attention when I do read it. That means in my comfy chair - not the computer desk. And I really have run out of printer paper. I got, like, two fricken sheets left.

_____________________________

Do you know what the most awesome thing about being an Atheist is? You're not required to hate anybody!

(in reply to ashjor911)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/11/2014 2:13:23 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
That's very gripping, Ash.

Have you considered talking to a publishing agent?

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to Marc2b)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/11/2014 2:56:21 AM   
ashjor911


Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline
nope, I just wanted to know what you guys think before I can take this to the next level
& I don't think I am going to publish the book in Europe, I would like to remain unknown since 90% of this book is crossing borders illegally

_____________________________

"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/11/2014 4:25:27 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
So use a pen name! Publishing agents know about this kind of thing. You won't be the first person who's done illegal stuff then written about it!

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to ashjor911)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/11/2014 1:00:12 PM   
ExquisiteStings


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline
Yeah, Ash, use a pseudonym! There is no written rule that says you have to use your real name when you're writing anything. Even People who don't write about doing scary illegal stuff do. Simply put, they like their privacy. And Remember that book, "Not without my Daughter"..the woman and her child go to Iran for what the husband promises will be a nice trip just to meet his family, but once he gets there his family wants him to stay there permanently so he does, his wife objects, his family says, put her in her place, so he loses all his American ways, resorts back to being a total fucktwit and beats the shit out of her. Then he allows her to get a job, working in His medical office there but when she gets news that her father is very ill, he gives HER permission to go...but the child has to stay there with him. At this point she thinks she's up shit's creek but she meets a man who runs a network to help mothers excape with their children and they have to cross borders illegally too, especially 'cause there's no American Consulate in Iran. So she makes it to a country where they DO have an American Consulate and gets back to USA intact with her daughter. When she gets back to USA, she writes her book, but she changes her and her daughter's names, cause to not do so would be merely suicidal. Change your name, Ashjor. I support you in this. Listen to Peon. He said it first, before I could pen it.

ES

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/11/2014 1:06:19 PM   
ExquisiteStings


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline
Also, just a suggestion. The title of the book, sounds too much like, "From Russia with Love"...you might want to change it. To what, I don't know, maybe, "How they give Spankings in Syria". JK on that one. But you want your title to be unique, you want your book to be unique and not look like a copy of anyone's, title wise or plot wise.

ES

(in reply to ExquisiteStings)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/12/2014 3:52:40 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline
love it so far....I am so glad you got the hell outta there!

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to ashjor911)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/13/2014 2:41:56 AM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline
Okay, now that I've had a chance to take me time in reading it.

You said, don't be gentle - and I take writers seriously when they say that - so...

1) There are numerous grammar and spelling mistakes - too many to point them out individually. I won't be too harsh about it since
A - I presume this is a first draft
B - I presume that English is not your first language - and your English is a hell of a lot better than my Arabic (which is non-existent).
C - I being mildly dyslexic myself, I am the typo king and so feel limited in how much I can criticize other people's mistakes.

Still, if you want to publish, you might want to consider getting someone to help you clean up the text.

2) You're going to want to expand the text. In your other thread you complain that it only came out to be eleven pages long and if you want it to be book length you're going to have to expand the details. This can be difficult, I know (I have a bad habit of adding unnecessary detail to my fiction) but you do want to take the time to allow the reader to feel the same things you are feeling at any given point in the narrative. You want the reader to feel the tension and fear of having your life in the hands of a power tripping punk who might take a bribe to let you go - or might shoot you for the fun of it.

You also might want to go into little detail about daily life in the Middle East and how it differs - and how it is similar - to life elsewhere. For example, I live in the Great Lakes region of North America. My world is dominated by green in the summer and white in the winter. I have no experience with a desert climate. You should also consider giving the reader more detail about the conflict and who the various factions are and why they are. To a great many people outside of the region, the Middle East is that place where people in robes shoot each other a lot. In other words, you want to strike a balance between personal experience, and the overall conflict.

A good example of someone who has successfully done this is the book An Ordinary Man, by Paul Rusesabagina - the hotel manager who helped to save lives during the Rwandan genocide. He does an excellent job in introducing the reader to the culture and history of Rwanda (and of the conflict that led to the genocide) as well as relating his personal journey through the madness. He succeeded in making me feel sympathetic not just to him and those around him but for the country as a whole. It has been a while since I read it but I think it would serve as a good model for you to tell your own story.

You've got something good here. You've got a story to tell with lessons for the complacent. Don't be afraid to take your time with it and tell it right. That having be said, I look forward to reading more.

Peace and Prosperity to you and yours,

Marc2b



_____________________________

Do you know what the most awesome thing about being an Atheist is? You're not required to hate anybody!

(in reply to ashjor911)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/13/2014 3:51:08 AM   
ashjor911


Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Marc2b

2) You're going to want to expand the text. In your other thread you complain that it only came out to be eleven pages long and if you want it to be book length you're going to have to expand the details. This can be difficult, I know (I have a bad habit of adding unnecessary detail to my fiction) but you do want to take the time to allow the reader to feel the same things you are feeling at any given point in the narrative. You want the reader to feel the tension and fear of having your life in the hands of a power tripping punk who might take a bribe to let you go - or might shoot you for the fun of it.

You also might want to go into little detail about daily life in the Middle East and how it differs - and how it is similar - to life elsewhere. For example, I live in the Great Lakes region of North America. My world is dominated by green in the summer and white in the winter. I have no experience with a desert climate. You should also consider giving the reader more detail about the conflict and who the various factions are and why they are. To a great many people outside of the region, the Middle East is that place where people in robes shoot each other a lot. In other words, you want to strike a balance between personal experience, and the overall conflict.

A good example of someone who has successfully done this is the book An Ordinary Man, by Paul Rusesabagina - the hotel manager who helped to save lives during the Rwandan genocide. He does an excellent job in introducing the reader to the culture and history of Rwanda (and of the conflict that led to the genocide) as well as relating his personal journey through the madness. He succeeded in making me feel sympathetic not just to him and those around him but for the country as a whole. It has been a while since I read it but I think it would serve as a good model for you to tell your own story.

You've got something good here. You've got a story to tell with lessons for the complacent. Don't be afraid to take your time with it and tell it right. That having be said, I look forward to reading more.

Peace and Prosperity to you and yours,

Marc2b



yes I agree 100%, but I began this book in this way (movie like) & the cultural things & other things would come to the (main character) as memories while he is on the road.
I will try to expand the book somehow ...

_____________________________

"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla

(in reply to Marc2b)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/13/2014 2:10:01 PM   
LadyAnne68


Posts: 134
Joined: 9/4/2013
From: Moorestown, NJ
Status: offline
Thanks for writing down your story.

Many of us here followed your progress over the last few years and prayed for you to be safe.


_____________________________

Breast Cancer Survivor for 4 1/2 years.

(in reply to ashjor911)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/13/2014 4:30:49 PM   
ExquisiteStings


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline
For the most part I had said not only on here, but other mediums just what Marc2b said, and you got mad at me for saying it. so it's ok for a guy to give you the criticism you need, but not a woman. Is that it? Or do you feel as your fiancé, I should baby the shit out of you where this is concerned. Well, I'm not. And he's write..don't write it as though you're writing a movie. You've got to start it as a book. I don't know if you ever saw that movie, "Slingblade", by Billy Bob Thornton who not only wrote it, but he starred in it as well. He wrote the story, the screenplay and he starred in it. And no, you could NEVER have Brad Pitt play you. You have to think about someone with the same features as you, so no blue eyed blond older guys. You've gotta got the younger guys, who have dark hair, dark eyes, darker skin, like coffee with a splash of milk. But even here, I'm thinking to far ahead. Like Marc said and I said before him, Put the reader exactly in your place, give yourself a history...you can't start out at a chapter in the middle of the book where you're first getting up to it, you have to lay a background for the events to be able to happen in the first place. The way you have it down, you're out in the middle of the desert at a bus station, no one speaks your language, you keep on getting stopped and questioned on the road, asked for certain papers. And people will want to know, "from whence comes this?" "how did this come to pass?", then much later in the chapter, it is revealed that you are enroute from Syria and all of the atrocities going on there. And you'll have to go into some detail there, too. Because not every person is aware of the horrors of what's going on in Syria. To them, it's just another Middle Eastern country where people are fighting. Just another day in the 'hood today, to quote, Queen Latifah in one of her songs. Get a back ground in there, like Marc says, put the reader exactly in your place. Don't leave the reader to wonder what the hell is going on, how this scenario came to be and pass...

(in reply to ashjor911)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/13/2014 5:32:27 PM   
ashjor911


Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline
ok, I need at least 10 chapters if I want to put the reader in my shoes .. I mean really I was going to begin the book just the way you said, but I think that if I don't want to lose you ... from the first 10 pages or so I need to et the reader attention before I can bore him/her to death about stuff & the iron steal ruling of Syria`s thugs.

all I am saying I can explain a lot of things along the road, but this is not " Alice in wonderland " where I have to bore the reader about how Alice was born & breastfed .. who cares?

_____________________________

"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
licensed to give formla

(in reply to ExquisiteStings)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/13/2014 5:52:35 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ashjor911

ok, I need at least 10 chapters if I want to put the reader in my shoes .. I mean really I was going to begin the book just the way you said, but I think that if I don't want to lose you ... from the first 10 pages or so I need to et the reader attention before I can bore him/her to death about stuff & the iron steal ruling of Syria`s thugs.

all I am saying I can explain a lot of things along the road, but this is not " Alice in wonderland " where I have to bore the reader about how Alice was born & breastfed .. who cares?



Ash, as a writer you must assume your reader is about as smart as tin foil... not that dumb, but you must treat them like they know very little about your subject, because a lot of them will not. You must take them by the hand as you go through your story, you must draw mental images for them, explain the politics of the region, explain the culture, explain your fears and your mindset, explain the challenges, all of this paints a picture for them. You are in the first draft stage, if you bore the fuck out of your readers, an editor can streamline the story for you.

I am not sure what writer said this about editors but they said, that their editors make them murder their children all the time, meaning that you will go back and rewrite, and rewrite and rewrite. Get your ideas out of your head and onto paper, leave nothing out. Nothing. If the guy sitting next to you in the bus smelled like fermented cheese, say so... if the temperature was enough to make a donkey sweat, say so.... nothing is etched in stone and nothing has to stay in the story.

As a reader, I want to be captivated, I want to be transported from my living room to the seat next to you. I want to feel that same fear, I want to smell the guy next to you (not really) I want to relate to how hot you say it was... I want to experience it all. So put me there. Make it come alive.

Tell your story, all of it. The details are important, and those that are not terribly significant can later be changed, or dropped. Do not overthink this right now, just write.



_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to ashjor911)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/14/2014 1:36:15 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
Thanks, Ash. *hugs*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/14/2014 6:16:52 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

If you're having trouble with length (and what guy doesn't?), you could try doing a chapter for each month. You don't have to number them that way but in your outline, get specific.

I think you're journey was just about a year? That will give you twelve chapters.







Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 - 11/22/2014 10:09:31 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteStings

Also, just a suggestion. The title of the book, sounds too much like, "From Russia with Love"...you might want to change it. To what, I don't know, maybe, "How they give Spankings in Syria". JK on that one. But you want your title to be unique, you want your book to be unique and not look like a copy of anyone's, title wise or plot wise.

ES


To me, Ash's book cries out to be called "The Road from Damascus"

... recalls 'The Road to Damascus' ...see http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/road_to_Damascus

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to ExquisiteStings)
Profile   Post #: 19
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Creative Writings >> From Damascus with love .. Chapter1 Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.215