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Sub to Switch - any advice ? - 11/11/2014 5:13:58 AM

Lexxeigh

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/14/2014
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I only recently discovered the dark need in myself to submission. In my training as a sub, I've also realized that I have a taste for dominance as well. I've heard a lot of people say that switches are just indecisive or other negative things. Any advice on how to figure out if I'm one or the other or truly both? Also on how to train to be a domme? all tips and advice much appreciated!

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RE: Sub to Switch - any advice ? - 11/11/2014 8:56:43 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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Your very first post! Welcome to the forums!

First off, let's clarify what you mean by a "Domme". There are two places you can be a Domme or submit - in the bedroom and out of it. If it's ONLY outside play sessions, then it's simply a desire for control and cannot be taught. If it's ONLY in play sessions, then it's Topping and very much can be taught.

Where is it you heard that switches are bad folks? I would be surprised if it was in your local community. You live in Colorado Springs, and two of the most prominent women there are Kimberly Thorns and Svetlana, and both are switches. If you've been trying to learn about the lifestyle online, you'll be dealing with a lot of keyboard warriors who have no RL experience. I'd suggest getting out into your community and attending Voodoo Leatherworks and Celebration of Power. If for some reason Voodoo and CoP are not to your taste, then Denver is just north of you and has everything a kinkster could want. Including seminars on various kinktopics at the House of Guilty Pleasures, the Sanctuary, the RACK room, and undoubtedly some venues I've overlooked.

As far as you being Domme/sub/switch, your writing makes it pretty clear that you're new and trying stuff on for size. There is no time frame in which you have to figure out which label fits. Keep trying things out, and don't listen to people who tell you that anything is wrong, as long as it's consensual and nobody gets hurt.

Welcome again!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to Lexxeigh)

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RE: Sub to Switch - any advice ? - 11/11/2014 9:25:49 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

Honestly the whole shitstorm switches get is largely from online. I've yet to have ever been spoken to negatively in real life interactions at gatherings with kink-minded folks. But whether it's online or in person, walk tall and don't give a fuck what someone else thinks of you. I own my switchness because it's what makes me happy...and it's my life.

The only advice I can give you is to explore who you are. Trust me, you will figure it out. I've been predominately dominant most of my adult life, yet found a comfort and joy in switching with my guy of nearly 3 years. Never did it before I met him and he never did it until he met me. But together...we just work. Explore and enjoy what you do. Let life lead you the way it will. And in the end, you will figure out your place in the world

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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RE: Sub to Switch - any advice ? - 11/12/2014 3:25:30 AM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
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I love that on FetLife there is a role you can choose: unsure. While that's NOT true of all switches, it is true of some, and give you a lot of breathing room to figure it out.

As DarkSteven said, switching can be in or out of the bedroom/play sessions. Mentally, it MUST be desire for you. Desire cannot be taught. BUT, you can learn a lot from others, even in that area. I've written quite a bit about the topic in my journal (free) and a few books (not free, LOL!), and there is a TON of information online, including in journals here and on FetLife.

It takes time to understand the mindset of dominance, and for ladies, it can be difficult to shake off their social conditioning to NOT put themselves forward.

And yes, it's primarily online that people have any sort of issue with switches, although there are people in local groups that I've met that take issue with it... usually the ones I think are rigidly held by their own roles (and expectations, thereof), rather than simply just being themselves.

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(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

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RE: Sub to Switch - any advice ? - 11/12/2014 6:55:53 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

I love that on FetLife there is a role you can choose: unsure.
<snip>

Since I'm not on Fet (don't plan to be, don't wanna be, not a social networking media-type person), I didn't know that. I wonder why this isn't an option here on CS, and I think it should be.

You mentioned on line negativity, as did ST, and it must be the naturally wariness that we have in cyberspace to not know who it is we're really interacting with, and likewise they with us. Then you have a whole spectrum of grey areas when you're dealing with a S/switch that makes it a bit more complicated at times.

I have a mini-confession of sorts to make about the very first day I signed up on the site formerly known as CM <insert symbol here :p>. A little voice in my head kept saying Dominant Woman because I wanted either a male sub or possibly male switch whose T/b ratio was so bottom heavy that he may as well be a sub. However, since I'm very much vanilla sex-oriented rather than a rash of diehard BDSMers I'd been running into who told me they could no longer get aroused by vanilla sex anymore or not for many years--all BDSM or nothing

; that I said the hell with it and listed myself as a Switch. For one full day.

To my horror, my user name appeared in pink as if I were a female s-type. WTF? Then came the 4sshat Dom train (not that all Doms are, just most of the ones who inundated me with their 4sshatness that first day) pouncing on fresh meat. Double WTF? Barely a male sub messaged me that day. Hm-mm, I had indicated in my profile that I was mostly Dominant. So I, like you Nookie, realized very quickly that this designation was misleading. I only "bottom" for vanilla sex, which is standard, and not being BDSM shouldn't even be regarded as bottoming. I'm not into bondage, other than to use restraints as a means to an end, not into S&M. Don't want to give up control of the scene, I like things done my way, and I'll be damned if a man tries to tell me what to do (and women aren't an option for me). So when would I be switching? Not in a D/s, although I was open to considering a bedroom submissive, with an LTR outside the bedroom on a more or less egalitarian basis. Well, as long as my partner does what I tell him to, that is.

As for kinky bottoming, it isn't often that I would want a[n erotic] spanking, and fetish wrestling can't be rough--not into rough sex, so calling myself a Switch would be very midleading indeed.

So I did have a 24-hour foray into the world of cyber-switchdom, with no good results and no forward projection of getting the results I wanted, which was and is a D/s dynamic with a masculine, virile and passionate (unpassive) submissive male without having to go cougar, which is also not an option for me in my mind...yet.

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RE: Sub to Switch - any advice ? - 11/12/2014 7:28:18 AM

MariaB

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Joined: 4/3/2007
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Welcome to the forums Lexxeigh and your first post.

Someone I know is in a very similar position to you. She's being mentored as a submissive but has had a longing to try out domination. Another contact got her a position with a very reputable professional Domme one afternoon a week. She specifically picked a person she knew to have the same sort of interests as her. Whilst we may believe pro Dommes are all about whips and canes, there is an incredible amount of D/s that goes on within the four walls of a professional dungeon. As long as you don't want to set yourself up as a pro Domme then most pros will be happy to take you on for a day or afternoon a week so long as you are willing to do a bit of cleaning or reception work.

Other than that, like Steven suggested, get yourself out to some BDSM clubs where you can observe and chat to other dominant women.

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RE: Sub to Switch - any advice ? - 11/25/2014 9:58:48 AM

starkem

Posts: 159
Joined: 2/2/2007
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I don't believe there is a roadmap or manual required -except that what is desired must be exercised mentally into fruition of a physical form. Meditating or mentally affirming ones ability is a great attribute of switch science that others envy to the point where they make disqualifying remarks. Bless their limitation. Now see there, I fired one back across their bow. I am capable of enjoying more than one interest, one love, one role, one dynamic at my leisure. I get satisfaction from the freedom of predictability and expected rigidity.

Repeat something like that all day and you'll achieve a do it yourself version of what you are trying to understand. You'll save yourself from training under the privileged by making you clean up or some absurd gesture that is ridiculous and undeserving.

Think of the little choo choo train that could. You have to use this same method in developing your career and life goals. You must exercise your confidence to build the person you want to be. A switch adapts and understand this better than those who believe their dominance or submission are natural and immutable.

(in reply to MariaB)

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RE: Sub to Switch - any advice ? - 12/8/2014 7:07:50 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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When I refer to myself as a switch, it is in regards to activities that I like when it comes to topping and bottoming. In relationships, I tend to defer/submit to my partner - because I have a submissive personality. I have never considered myself a dominant, but I'm a damn good Top (or was, once upon a time.) I know Switches who are as comfortable in the dominant role in a relationship as they are in the submissive role depending on the individual they are with. There is no one size fits all switch label.

What I've learned: as you explore your various kinky layers, be honest (as honest as you can be while you are discovering yourself) with those you involve yourself with. Be kind to yourself, as you learn what you want and need in your life. If you grow more into one role than the other, don't kick yourself for not being what others think you should be - or shouldn't be.

You can train to improve technical skill sets and you can work to develop your relationship skills but learning to be a personality that may or may not be in your nature could end up being a lot like trying to wear the skin of someone else.

If you do what you enjoy and enjoy what you do the labels won't matter so much.

(in reply to starkem)

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