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Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/14/2014 5:36:06 PM   
MRDRMN1985


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/8/2014
Status: offline 		Hello,

I was hoping to get a general opinion from a dominant female perspective. I came here on a whim about a week ago, as I am trying to break out of my shell a bit. I'm not really in the open about, well, anything sexual at all. Truth be told, I have always been rather embarrassed about being a submissive, and I've never really let any of this enter into the "real world" so to speak, though my fantasies are fairly well developed.

Admittedly, this is all still online, but I'm starting down a path with the intention of possibly encountering someone real who would be into the other side of the sort of power dynamic I've always secretly wanted.

You see, I've never really been all that interested in a normal vanilla relationship, and I've never pursued one. Not even during my teen years. Admittedly, I did ask one girl out, who rejected me, brutally. There was one other who did not, but I found myself backing away once it became real, and also because I learned at about the same time she had a drug problem. I tell myself in that case that what I did was prudent, but perhaps I am just making excuses. Logically though I really do think I was wise to step back from that one.

Suffice to say, I'm actually a bit odd in that I am close to hitting 30 and have never really been on a date before, or anything else which might eventually stem from that. I'm actually not all that bad looking, and there have certainly been opportunities. I just feel weird trying to take a role which doesn't seem right for me.

I have a tendency to fall hard for one woman, who is always assertive in her nature, and feel very nervous around her. Once in a while a normal woman will approach me and try to flirt, but I usually just play oblivious until they give up (usually works well and preserves everyone's dignity), or if that doesn't work, I just avoid them until they give up.

I'm actually pretty assertive and driven in the real world, but when it comes to women, specifically in regards to anything remotely romantic or sexual, I am a totally different person.

I guess I've always wanted to be at the beck and call of one woman whom I am utterly devoted to, and the BDSM stuff is just a natural extension of that. I'm absolutely certain that this is what I want, but have never really had the courage to explore. I'm still nervous as nervous gets on this and plan to take things very, very slowly, but I am finally being honest about what I am looking for, which I have to believe is healthier than suppressing myself and feeling ashamed of what comes naturally to me.

This being said, I know that starting out in this sort of dynamic is really not all that normal and I am curious how it is perceived.

I guess what I have to ask though, is as a female dominant, what is your thought about someone making their first real romantic foray into the world of femdom?

Humbly,

Matt
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/14/2014 6:22:52 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Matt, without launching into a long(er) explanation, suffice it to say attitude is everything. An attitude of compliance. I don't expect perfection from anyone, and there is a big difference between asking questions and having one's judgment questioned. Even so, if I'm close to someone, they have every right to question my judgment...just as long as they end up doing what I say.

Submission without compliant obedience means nothing. It isn't easy for a man to come to terms with his sexually submissive nature. He will either seemingly surrender to it and go around offering his submission to just about anybody (which is perceived by Dominants as slutty behavior; some Dominants want that sort of sub, others like myself don't). Or he will continually struggle with it, by acting out in a passive-aggressive manner (bratty sub or non-subbly type of BDSM bottom), or by becoming totally wrapped up in a specific kink and/or a specific fetish, so that he ends up becoming as useful to us (Dommes) as a one-trick pony. Pff-ft.

Don't give up your vanilla values and practices, which would be the same as throwing the baby out with the bathwater. D/s is not a replacement lifestyle--it is an augmentation. By the same token IMO, BDSM should enhance your sex life, not replace it by limiting your sexual activities. For example, if you have ED or can't cut it in the sack with women, then perhaps you can find fulfillment with a Mistress who only wants oral worship and for you to use dildos on her. But if you're a red-blooded, virile man, why would you settle for that? (Poly is more often than not uni-directional. Dominant wants poly for self, controls this aspect with s-type.) Simply to get your daily dose of Domination fix? So when you interact with a Domme, be clear about what you want. Short-term BDSM play (which is not guaranteed, by the way, because you aren't in charge of the scene) or a long-term committed relationship which has more dimensionality than providing (non-sexual or limited sexual) services.

This also means that your submission is reserved for your future Mistress when she puts you under consideration for collaring you as her sub. There's too much insta-Domming and insta-subbing which takes place before a D/s relationship dynamic becomes official, particularly on line. Just be on the watch for that. Mutual consensuality is key. If you wouldn't consent to something your date who isn't even your girlfriend yet demands, then why would you consent to doing something against your will for a Domme who is not even your actual Mistress yet, or who tries to prematurely become your Mistress in name only? If your exchanges are serious and you are both interested in exploring possibilities with one another, she should provide you with a BDSM checklist to assess whether you both have compatible kinks & fetishes AND LIMITS. The limits are the deal breakers, that which is non-negotiable. (There are lesser limits, but those are negotiable.) Include all of those, no matter how vanilla in nature. There is no such thing as a non-intimate D/s dynamic not grounded in trust. Service-oriented ones can be non-sexual, but there has to be a certain degree of trust and intimacy present.

Being inexperienced is not a handicap. Having an unteachable spirit is. There are many experienced slaves I have no interest in because they have a slave mindset and are habituated to previous Owners, which would require an inordinate amount of de-programming & re-programming. My time and energy is better spent elsewhere on more productive pursuits.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to MRDRMN1985)
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/14/2014 6:52:10 PM   
MRDRMN1985


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/8/2014
Status: offline 		Hmm, I would have to say that my main issue is probably that my submissive reaction to a domineering woman is just so much more powerful in my mind than any sort of vanilla interest in sex that I am just not attracted to anyone who is not dominant. The dominant is the key factor, not so much the BDSM. Finding a dominant woman who is open about it in the day to day world is rare though, so this seems the natural place to look and it lets me explore both aspects.

I don't have ED or anything like that, but I believe strongly in controlling myself and I guess when it comes to women the thought of settling for someone who doesn't make my heart race just from thinking of her just doesn't appeal to me.

I guess I am as red blooded as most men, but I tend to develop tunnel vision when I find someone truly compelling. I have my own kinks of course and my fantasies reflect them, but the biggest one is just in being subservient to a domineering woman and allowing her to bend me to her will. There are some things I have absolutely no interest in, but hard limits are probably few.

I've run into a lot of fast moving types already here and elsewhere online, but I am not looking for that really, and in all honesty I've already developed my latest case of tunnel vision which will probably keep me in thrall for several months unless she logs in again and tells me no or I find someone else who seems a better match, which is pretty hard to do in my present state.

Suffice to say, I've waited far longer than most already and I am in no rush.


< Message edited by MRDRMN1985 -- 12/14/2014 6:55:36 PM >

(in reply to FieryOpal)
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/14/2014 10:14:01 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Hi, Matt. Forget about finding your forever relationship just now. Instead focus on being with women and having fun. Enjoy the conversation, enjoy having a person around you.

Your goal is to get more comfortable around women. To be blunt, if you found the woman of your dreams right now, she may not be attracted to you.

You want to be the kind of guy a woman wants. Good conversation. A sharp mind. A good personality. Ideally, a sense of humor. So go out and practice.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MRDRMN1985)
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/14/2014 10:16:07 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985

Suffice to say, I've waited far longer than most already and I am in no rush.



What the fuck are you waiting for? That is not said with any malice whatsoever, but seriously, life is too fucking short, go enjoy yourself.

Look, someone your age with no relationship experience may find it difficult to relate to a relationship within the context of BDSM. It may be a little easier for you to do the sexually submissive side of things where you are not in control, but in the day to day intricacies of relationships, you may well fall a bit short, not that you are incapable, just inexperienced.

What I see as a possible problem is that you think you know what you want in your fantasies, but reality is far different than fantasy, and often distasteful as a result because it doesn't match well with what you have mentally created for yourself. You sound very bright, confident in what you want, but you wouldn't be the first inexperienced sub that has a rude awakening at what reality is.

That said, you should start exploring this side of you. You needn't fall madly in love with someone, just go try some things. Perhaps some play time with a female who wants something non-sexual, just so you can try it on for size and see if it fits. I don't know but it would seem logical, and sterile enough for you to get your feet wet and test the proverbial water.

I really meant what I said to start with, life is too short, and you are letting time pass by that you could have used to explore and find out who you are and what you want.

Edited to add: Like DarkSteven said, go out and date.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 12/14/2014 10:18:27 PM >

_____________________________

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I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to MRDRMN1985)
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/15/2014 3:25:37 AM   
MRDRMN1985


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/8/2014
Status: offline 		Rejection is certainly always a possibility, and if it happens, it happens. I've historically found it much less painful when they never knew I had an interest and it has a chance to go away with time.

It seems worth the risk I guess though on the possibility that it could work out. The worst case scenario puts me back where I started.

The thought about reality not matching to expectations is something I think about regularly. I guess I am of two minds about the subject. Logically, if I were to find that I don't like the things I think I would in reality, that could be a good thing in that I would no longer be drawn to something that is not right for me. Emotionally, I suppose I would be more disappointed, but given that I am more focused at the moment on the concept of being in service to a domineering woman (Something I do have some experience with, but not in a sexual or D/s context.) and I do know that I like, I am sure that I could find my niche so to speak even if it isn't exactly what I might initially think. The specific actions seem far less important than the mindset that goes with it.

Part of the reason I've waited is that I am really not into instant gratification. I tend to see it as something to be avoided. To my mind, if I don't have to work hard for something, it doesn't have much value. It also seems unfair to lead someone on whom I am only lukewarm about. This is also why I've never just taken an opportunity with a woman to "get it over with." It just seems wrong and I also don't really like the idea of intimate contact with someone whom I am not crazy about.

I've often seen it as better and safer to simply abstain for now. Going through the motions seems to only be that. I tend to think that I should not invite a woman into my life until I am happy without one first. This being said, I've found that I am so highly motivated when I am enthralled, that allowing a domineering woman to direct my efforts toward her own ends seems a good place to start bringing it all out of fantasy and into reality. Until I find the right one to take the wheel so to speak, I'll just keep working to improve myself.

I guess it is just in my mentality to prefer waiting to settling for anything less than a woman whom I find truly compelling.


(in reply to Gauge)
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/15/2014 3:59:21 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985

Rejection is certainly always a possibility, and if it happens, it happens. I've historically found it much less painful when they never knew I had an interest and it has a chance to go away with time.


This exposes a fear, here, if you're open enough to see it. It's a common one among people.

If I don't show all of who I am, and they reject me, I can comfort myself by saying, "They don't know what they missed." If I put it all out there, they will know exactly what they missed, and rejection will really hurt, because it's personal.

That's a terrible mistake to make and a horrible habit to get into, in my experience.

Win, or fail spectacularly.

That way, when you do win, it's because of who you are, and you will know it.

quote:

The specific actions seem far less important than the mindset that goes with it.


I could not disagree more.

The mindset in a D/s relationship is FAR more critical than the specific actions.

quote:

Part of the reason I've waited is that I am really not into instant gratification. I tend to see it as something to be avoided. To my mind, if I don't have to work hard for something, it doesn't have much value. It also seems unfair to lead someone on whom I am only lukewarm about. This is also why I've never just taken an opportunity with a woman to "get it over with." It just seems wrong and I also don't really like the idea of intimate contact with someone whom I am not crazy about.


No one is suggesting you just "get it over with." No one suggested sex. We are all suggesting putting yourself out there, dating, and really experiencing relationships, and all the navigations, trials and tribulations that go with them.

quote:

I guess it is just in my mentality to prefer waiting to settling for anything less than a woman whom I find truly compelling.


I don't know if this fits you. Only you can determine that for yourself, but the signals you are throwing off are of perfectionism. Life is not perfect. It is beautifully, wonderfully messy and surprising.

Perfectionism is a common form of procrastination.

"If I can't have it perfect, I will wait."

Often, that translates into, "as long as I am frightened of rejection, I can reject them first by finding something not perfect, and avoid ever really committing myself."

Date, make friends in the community, watch other real-life D/s relationships that are not perfect. Look for the joy in them, the ways they mold to each other. Watch how some relationships split up madly, because they just burned so hot, they could never last. Understand they still brought joy and goodness to those in them while they lasted.

Or not.

You asked for advice. We're giving it. Your path is yours, and from a domme's perspective, I would be wary of someone who had the lack of experience you do, for the reasons you are stating.

To be clear, it's not about the actions. It's about the mindset that goes with them.

_____________________________

Nookie
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/15/2014 4:13:10 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

There's too much insta-Domming and insta-subbing which takes place before a D/s relationship dynamic becomes official, particularly on line. Just be on the watch for that. Mutual consensuality is key.


Agreed. My Pet waited 8 months before asking for me to own him. By then, we had spent time with each other, talked about everything from how we enjoyed cooking to his deepest fantasies he'd never told anyone, and had negotiated what ownership meant.

Contrast with another who I met (and quite liked) from this site, who wanted me to own him within 2 months. I asked him what ownership meant to him, and he could not tell me. How could that be agreed to?

quote:

Being inexperienced is not a handicap. Having an unteachable spirit is. There are many experienced slaves I have no interest in because they have a slave mindset and are habituated to previous Owners, which would require an inordinate amount of de-programming & re-programming. My time and energy is better spent elsewhere on more productive pursuits.


Yes. This.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985

I guess I am as red blooded as most men, but I tend to develop tunnel vision when I find someone truly compelling. I have my own kinks of course and my fantasies reflect them, but the biggest one is just in being subservient to a domineering woman and allowing her to bend me to her will. There are some things I have absolutely no interest in, but hard limits are probably few.

I've run into a lot of fast moving types already here and elsewhere online, but I am not looking for that really, and in all honesty I've already developed my latest case of tunnel vision which will probably keep me in thrall for several months unless she logs in again and tells me no or I find someone else who seems a better match, which is pretty hard to do in my present state.


I would suggest that while focus and devotion are wonderful, they are best utilized IN PERSON, once compatibility and good faith on both sides have been proven.

Offering that up online will only drive you further into fantasy land, especially to someone who you cannot contact, except to wait for her to log in to CS.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Your goal is to get more comfortable around women. To be blunt, if you found the woman of your dreams right now, she may not be attracted to you.

You want to be the kind of guy a woman wants. Good conversation. A sharp mind. A good personality. Ideally, a sense of humor. So go out and practice.


Yes. This is very true.

I look for all of this in those I take on. I like taking my Pets out and showing them off. I like helping the good become better. I like choosing quality over quantity.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
Look, someone your age with no relationship experience may find it difficult to relate to a relationship within the context of BDSM.


Or any relationship.

It's not impossible, but it it will make your search that much more frustrating. I know this from experience.


_____________________________

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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/15/2014 4:18:37 AM   
MRDRMN1985


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/8/2014
Status: offline
quote:

This exposes a fear, here, if you're open enough to see it. It's a common one among people.

If I don't show all of who I am, and they reject me, I can comfort myself by saying, "They don't know what they missed." If I put it all out there, they will know exactly what they missed, and rejection will really hurt, because it's personal.

That's a terrible mistake to make and a horrible habit to get into, in my experience.

Win, or fail spectacularly.

That way, when you do win, it's because of who you are, and you will know it.


I do understand, and it is one of the things I am slowly working to change.

quote:



I could not disagree more.

The mindset in a D/s relationship is FAR more critical than the specific actions.


I think you misread me there. We are in agreement on this.


quote:

I don't know if this fits you. Only you can determine that for yourself, but the signals you are throwing off are of perfectionism. Life is not perfect. It is beautifully, wonderfully messy and surprising.

Perfectionism is a common form of procrastination.

"If I can't have it perfect, I will wait."

Often, that translates into, "as long as I am frightened of rejection, I can reject them first by finding something not perfect, and avoid ever really committing myself."

Date, make friends in the community, watch other real-life D/s relationships that are not perfect. Look for the joy in them, the ways they mold to each other. Watch how some relationships split up madly, because they just burned so hot, they could never last. Understand they still brought joy and goodness to those in them while they lasted.

Or not.

You asked for advice. We're giving it. Your path is yours, and from a domme's perspective, I would be wary of someone who had the lack of experience you do, for the reasons you are stating.


I probably have this to a degree, but I tend to think of perfectionism as being limited to the point of effective non-functionality. I have to look at it within the context of that I am now taking a few first steps toward exploring this in reality with real women. To borrow "many the fish in the sea" metaphor, I am not casting a large net, but I am casting one at least.

quote:

To be clear, it's not about the actions. It's about the mindset that goes with them.


I couldn't agree more. Sorry if my previous wording was not clear.

(in reply to NookieNotes)
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/15/2014 4:21:36 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline 		Sounds like you have a start. *smiles*

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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/15/2014 5:10:20 PM   
MRDRMN1985


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/8/2014
Status: offline
quote:


I would suggest that while focus and devotion are wonderful, they are best utilized IN PERSON, once compatibility and good faith on both sides have been proven.

Offering that up online will only drive you further into fantasy land, especially to someone who you cannot contact, except to wait for her to log in to CS.


I'm making it a point to talk to anyone who has expressed any interest, though mostly I meet people far away, which to my mind makes it far more fantasy than reality.

I guess I am being foolish to limit my options. For now, I will simply talk and learn. It is perhaps enough that for now she has my undivided attention without question the moment she goes looking for it. That is perhaps a more appropriate level of loyalty at this juncture.

The biggest turn on for me at this point is being inspired to be a better man, and if the cost of that is confronting some of my inhibitions, so be it.

Thank you all for your responses. I really am thinking hard on every word of it.

(in reply to NookieNotes)
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/15/2014 5:27:56 PM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985

It is perhaps enough that for now she has my undivided attention without question the moment she goes looking for it. That is perhaps a more appropriate level of loyalty at this juncture.


THAT is a beautiful thing to read.


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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/15/2014 10:34:43 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985
Rejection is certainly always a possibility, and if it happens, it happens. I've historically found it much less painful when they never knew I had an interest and it has a chance to go away with time.


Everyone has to walk their own path. In my experience, when I try something and it doesn't work out it ultimately fades away. The stuff that sticks is never trying and wondering what might have been. Besides, there's lots of pain in life. You don't want to seek out emotional pain. But being too afraid of being hurt only keeps you from living.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985It seems worth the risk I guess though on the possibility that it could work out. The worst case scenario puts me back where I started.

Think about that: The worse case scenario is you could end up right where you are right now. Which means you are choosing to live the worst-case scenario.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985
The thought about reality not matching to expectations is something I think about regularly.


That's always possible. Again, I don't think it's healthy to be governed by fear of reality.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985Part of the reason I've waited is that I am really not into instant gratification.


You're way beyond worrying about instant gratification.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985
I guess it is just in my mentality to prefer waiting to settling for anything less than a woman whom I find truly compelling.


I've been out with women I thought were truly compelling and it fizzled by the second or third date. So don't confuse going on a date as a lifetime commitment. Sure, you don't want to be in a relationship with a woman you don't really connect with. But a date isn't a relationship. Heck, sex isn't a relationship.

So, if I were you, I'd think in terms of taking little steps forward, not about waiting for the exact perfect moment when you can make a gigantic leap. Because life is mostly about little steps.

Good luck.

< Message edited by seekingreality -- 12/15/2014 10:39:12 PM >

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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/16/2014 2:04:10 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline 		^^^

*applause*

Many wonderful chunks of wisdom, there!

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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/16/2014 7:57:50 AM   
Regina1955


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/6/2014
Status: offline 		I'd like to weigh in with a couple thoughts. My perspective is a bit different from that of the other women here, and that's good because it can help you see women Dominants range across a broad spectrum in attitudes, tastes and practices.

I'm in the same situation as you are, but I'm on the other end. I met a man here recently. We've exchanged emails and have made plans to meet early in the new year. Via email we seem about as compatible as two people can be and, ignoring the odds, I'm hopeful that good things will happen for us. One issue is that this gentleman, like you, is inexperienced.

My first point is that for me Relationship trumps Kink. It's much more important for me to have a close, loving, trusting relationship than to have any particular practice or play.

My second point is that fantasy and reality are two different things. You've been imagining what submission would be like for a long time. And I guarantee your fantasy is not wholly accurate. There's lots of anecdotal evidence out there about people who've tried some sort of kink and had bad experiences: They didn't like it, they chose the wrong partner, whatever. But I actually had a brief relationship that crashed and burned, and it devastated me. The man enjoyed the activities he'd dreamed about, but his very enjoyment caused him overwhelming shame. So I'm particularly gun shy about that happening again. In fact, if I have to choose between D/s and a good vanilla relationship with this man, I'll take the relationship. (Thats not to say I wouldn't be rather directive in the bedroom.)

I hope you find my thought helpful.


(in reply to NookieNotes)
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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/16/2014 1:18:09 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Hi, Matt. Forget about finding your forever relationship just now. Instead focus on being with women and having fun. Enjoy the conversation, enjoy having a person around you.

Your goal is to get more comfortable around women. To be blunt, if you found the woman of your dreams right now, she may not be attracted to you.

You want to be the kind of guy a woman wants. Good conversation. A sharp mind. A good personality. Ideally, a sense of humor. So go out and practice.


Yep, that chimes for me.

OP: I know what it feels like to see women - or 'the woman', anyway - as a Goddess. The trick is to hold onto that, but at the same realise she's just an ordinary human too. Not one, not the other, but both. Not easy, I know - hell, I'm still working on it - but it pays dividends to get even a little of it. If it feels paradoxical, contradictory and full of tension in your head that you see women both ways: good. I think it's meant to feel that way.

Right now, though, and given what you've said about your experiences to date: you could probably do with a dose of the women-as-ordinary-people side of things. As DS says: hang out with women and have fun. And make sure you laugh when they fart. Always helps. ;-)

_____________________________

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RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/16/2014 7:49:45 PM   
MRDRMN1985


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/8/2014
Status: offline
quote:

I've been out with women I thought were truly compelling and it fizzled by the second or third date. So don't confuse going on a date as a lifetime commitment. Sure, you don't want to be in a relationship with a woman you don't really connect with. But a date isn't a relationship. Heck, sex isn't a relationship.

So, if I were you, I'd think in terms of taking little steps forward, not about waiting for the exact perfect moment when you can make a gigantic leap. Because life is mostly about little steps.


Yep, I recently had an opportunity to jump in headfirst into something which struck me as a bit extreme.

I think I made the right decision in stepping away for it for now.

My goal right now is to find someone who seems a good match and is comfortable with a dominant role, and with me in a submissive one.

It's something I've never spoken of to anyone in person, and it seems a healthy first step to find someone of compatible mind and discuss it further.


quote:

My first point is that for me Relationship trumps Kink. It's much more important for me to have a close, loving, trusting relationship than to have any particular practice or play.


I'm with you on that one. This is about personality for me. The last woman who I felt as I do about was probably quite vanilla in her desires (I think so anyway, who knows in all reality.) It's about personality. The rest is window dressing.

quote:

My second point is that fantasy and reality are two different things. You've been imagining what submission would be like for a long time. And I guarantee your fantasy is not wholly accurate. There's lots of anecdotal evidence out there about people who've tried some sort of kink and had bad experiences: They didn't like it, they chose the wrong partner, whatever. But I actually had a brief relationship that crashed and burned, and it devastated me. The man enjoyed the activities he'd dreamed about, but his very enjoyment caused him overwhelming shame. So I'm particularly gun shy about that happening again. In fact, if I have to choose between D/s and a good vanilla relationship with this man, I'll take the relationship. (Thats not to say I wouldn't be rather directive in the bedroom.)


Definitely food for thought. I may very well encounter the real thing and realize that the actual kink acts are not for me in the real world. I'm pretty sure I will, but who knows.

This being said, what I am sure of is that I am attracted to dominant women. Acts that are in alignment with it seem like they will work for me. Maybe not, but I want to try and see what happens. Worst case scenario is that I learn a bit about myself.

quote:

OP: I know what it feels like to see women - or 'the woman', anyway - as a Goddess. The trick is to hold onto that, but at the same realise she's just an ordinary human too. Not one, not the other, but both. Not easy, I know - hell, I'm still working on it - but it pays dividends to get even a little of it. If it feels paradoxical, contradictory and full of tension in your head that you see women both ways: good. I think it's meant to feel that way.

Right now, though, and given what you've said about your experiences to date: you could probably do with a dose of the women-as-ordinary-people side of things. As DS says: hang out with women and have fun. And make sure you laugh when they fart. Always helps. ;-)


Sounds quite "goodthinkful"

Kudos to anyone who gets that one.

Don't get me wrong, I have female friends. My mind just classifies them as "safe" because I know they have no designs on me. (I know, probably not healthy, but it is what I do.)

Anyhow, to my mind, it is all subjective. There is the conscious understanding that she is just a normal person with normal needs. To be a source of inspiration and devotion is just a role on top of that. She is a goddess because though she is a normal person who is capable of acting like a goddess, even if she is not doing it at the moment.

That's how I see it anyway.

< Message edited by MRDRMN1985 -- 12/16/2014 8:14:02 PM >

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dominant Perspective on complete inexperience in a sub - 12/17/2014 3:21:49 AM   
MRDRMN1985


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/8/2014
Status: offline 		Hmm, it won't let me edit again. I wanted to fix my wording on that last bit though:

There is the conscious understanding that she is just a normal person with normal needs. To be a source of inspiration and devotion is just a role on top of that. She IS a goddess though because she is a normal person who is capable of acting like a goddess, even if she is not doing it at the moment.

< Message edited by MRDRMN1985 -- 12/17/2014 3:22:06 AM >

(in reply to MRDRMN1985)
Profile   Post #: 18
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