How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Relationship

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Relationship

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Relationship

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Relati... - 12/21/2014 3:50:34 AM

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/12/2014
Status: offline

I have been on and off CS for a few months now. I am VERY specific when I approach a gentleman about the fact that I'm in this for real. That I want a long-term relationship and that, yes, I really am submissive.

As we all know, there are many on this site who have no real clue about the nature of a healthy D/s relationship. I know that I will have to wade through countless profiles and false communication starts before I get close to finding what I seek.

Having said that...I did enter into a relationship with a gentleman who seemed, from all I could tell, like he was seeking a long-term relationship. Long story short...he flew to my city for four days and we met. He flew me to his city for a ten day visit and that went well. He offered me a three month, trial contract to continue to see how things would work between us. Two days after I got home he called me citing commitment phobia. So, he broke things off with me.

I wasn't in love with him. The Power Exchange, the D/s dynamic is what drives my search on CS. However, regardless of how short the relationship had actually been...I was hurt.

So, my question in all this...?

How do I ask better questions in the future? How do I find out if someone is really ready to bring a submissive into his life?

This is difficult enough for those of us who know who and what we are to find our counterpart as the pool from which we fish is so small. So, any advice about helping myself do better in my search would be appreciated.

Just as an FYI... I keep my profile hidden. It is the best way I have found to protect myself from the predators here. I do contact gentlemen and provide them with information about myself and the text portion of my profile in way of an introduction.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and your consideration of my words.

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/21/2014 6:51:02 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

There are no short cuts. You date and take time to see if you're compatible.
Because although this guy claimed he had commitment phobia as an excuse not to see you again, it may well not have been that. He may just not have had enough chemistry. Or disliked the way you laugh.

However, without your profile visible, it's hard to tell your age and the age of the guys you meet. And that matters. Younger people are less likely to want to settle down. The flip side is that the older people get, the less changeable they are, the less adaptable and thus will have many more stringent requirements which makes finding a compatible partner difficult.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to EssentiaIndy)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/21/2014 8:27:42 AM

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/12/2014
Status: offline

I have taken to heart the advice I received in another thread...and my profile is now public.

This is a difficult dance we dance and I know that. I know that I am grieving the loss of a wonderful dynamic.

Not everyone is as ready for commitment as they would like to believe. Yes, there are always underlying circumstance but I have to believe who someone is when they tell me...(and there's always more to the story than can be told in a simple forum message). But, I appreciate your thoughts as they confirmed my decision to take my profile public.

It's painful. It's tedious. And, I know of no better way--at this point--to attempt to find what I seek.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/21/2014 8:46:22 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

And, I know of no better way--at this point--to attempt to find what I seek.

I strongly recommend munches and local events over searching online.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to EssentiaIndy)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/21/2014 9:19:26 AM

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EssentiaIndy

I wasn't in love with him. The Power Exchange, the D/s dynamic is what drives my search on CS. However, regardless of how short the relationship had actually been...I was hurt.

Count yourself lucky that you didn't become infatuated with this man. If he hadn't felt any chemistry with you, then I highly doubt you both would have made it past that first 4-day encounter, and he must have been serious enough to fly you in to stay with him for 10 days.
Was this long-distance Dom around your age, younger or older than you?

quote:

ORIGINAL: EssentiaIndy

How do I ask better questions in the future? How do I find out if someone is really ready to bring a submissive into his life?

As with anybody, you go by their track record. How many times has he been married and for how long? When was his last LTR and how long did it last? Why did his last sub leave, and how long was that D/s relationship?
If you sense that a Dom is withholding information or sense any red flags, then don't get further involved with him.

I don't know how you can tell beyond the shadow of a doubt when a Dom is ready to commit to a submissive, or vice versa, or any person for that matter.
One of the biggest hurdles insofar as making relationship commitments go is with relocation. Perhaps he thought that once he moved you in, that he would get "stuck" having to support you until you could find a job, or he may have realized that his finances weren't in the best shape to honor his verbal commitments.

DarkSteven recommended munches and local events. Find a Dom who is local to you. Even better for you if you can find out about his reputation from others, and then don't rush into anything until you feel you are fully appreciated.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to EssentiaIndy)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/22/2014 6:29:30 AM

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

If you state that you are looking for a long term relationship in your profile, that's about all you can do... besides asking those who contact you if that is what they want too.

Even then though... there are no guarantees. You put time and effort in to a relationship, and you hope that if you continue to put in time and effort, that it will last.

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to FieryOpal)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/22/2014 7:17:53 AM

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

There's no perfect answer for this, like Bhruic said, you can try with great effort to make something work and if it's not an external factor that makes it go south, it may be an internal factor. My best advice is to take things slow and that includes not being scared to friendzone someone. I would be suspicious of a man wanting me on his territory that long that early. Pace yourself and don't make promises until you are comfortable. Meeting quickly for coffee is a good idea and local searches (within state) are better though limiting. But having great chemistry is not a guarantee. You just "go for it" and hope for the best. Pay attention to ANY hiccups in communication and if this person has genuine interest in you. Good luck and gorgeous inkwork might I add.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to Bhruic)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/22/2014 8:19:08 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

There is no great advice. I am also seeking a relationship and it's not easy.

I might say that your profile is a bit too long and gives away a lot. You also say someone asked you how you are different than other subs. I would never accept that question, because I want a man who wants to know about the kind of woman I am first, sub second. And honestly, if a guy is not discerning enough to see me, nothing I say will change that. People need to discover each other, not check off laundry lists

I believe in luck. You can have a hundred dates or you can meet your next husband over produce in Whole Foods.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/22/2014 10:17:23 AM

Posts: 3315
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: online

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

If you state that you are looking for a long term relationship in your profile, that's about all you can do... besides asking those who contact you if that is what they want too.

Even then though... there are no guarantees. You put time and effort in to a relationship, and you hope that if you continue to put in time and effort, that it will last.

I think this ^ is right. If it's clear from someone's profile or messages that they are looking for play only, you can avoid them, but otherwise whether a relationship is going to take or last hinges on time, effort, and (I think) more than anything else, chemistry.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Bhruic)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/22/2014 10:52:53 AM

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EssentiaIndy
Two days after I got home he called me citing commitment phobia. So, he broke things off with me.

I wasn't in love with him. The Power Exchange, the D/s dynamic is what drives my search on CS. However, regardless of how short the relationship had actually been...I was hurt.

Ahh....the blindside. Been there, done that. Have thought things were going just fine-- and *whack*

quote:

ORIGINAL: EssentiaIndy
How do I ask better questions in the future? How do I find out if someone is really ready to bring a submissive into his life?

You learn from the past and incorporate it into your future endeavors. There's no black and white list-- there's nothing that takes the place of experience and what you personally want at this point in time.

Take the "commitment phobe" issue. Yup, I've been there. I've been with people who are not over their exes, and who compare me to their exes (and not even in a "good" way...). So, a lot of my focus is where they are at this point in time. Someone might *think* that he's ready for a new relationship, and when push comes to shove, things go ass up. I don't know that there is any way to be "sure", but I would suggest listening to your gut when it comes to this. Is there something "not right" to you when he speaks of past relationships? Listen-- and don't be afraid to ask follow-up questions. I know, perhaps easier said than done.

quote:

ORIGINAL: EssentiaIndy

This is difficult enough for those of us who know who and what we are to find our counterpart as the pool from which we fish is so small. So, any advice about helping myself do better in my search would be appreciated.

I would say, first and foremost, don't lose hope. Learn from your experiences, and don't be afraid to stick to your guns. Also, I would not focus on the "small pool". That's just giving someone else power that they shouldn't have.

Especially with the internet, the pool isn't really all that small...or so I have found. IMO, nothing takes the place of experience, and especially the lessons learned from it.

In terms of your profile, what struck me is an overt "prove yourself" theme. I'm not saying that someone should *not* do that-- I just see your wall as being really high, at least initially. And, honestly, what I see you getting with it is the "white knight", who feels that he can overcome every single "bad" thing that anyone has ever done to you. Whether or not he can actually deliver is a different story. And, frankly, I can imagine a lot of really stand-up, good men just moving on. "Hey, I've got my own issues too...why do I need to take *this* on"?

What did really strike me about your profile was this:

I'm kinky. I'm sexual. I'm submissive. I'm assertive. I'm strong willed. I'm loving. I'm loyal. I'm a lady. I'm a person.

That's pretty much the point, isn't it? You're looking for a person! Not a fake. Not a wannabe. Not someone who is just cruising to see how much trouble she can manifest.

--

*There's* your selling point. Why not start with that, and then move on to a short "been there, done that" to do a preliminary "weed out"? Nothing is going to take the place of actual conversation, and allowing some people past the "wall". As your profile stands now, I think you're doing WAY too good of a job of weeding.

Just my 2 cents. Wish you the best.

(in reply to EssentiaIndy)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/22/2014 11:43:56 AM

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EssentiaIndy

I have taken to heart the advice I received in another thread...and my profile is now public.

This is a difficult dance we dance and I know that. I know that I am grieving the loss of a wonderful dynamic.

Not everyone is as ready for commitment as they would like to believe. Yes, there are always underlying circumstance but I have to believe who someone is when they tell me...(and there's always more to the story than can be told in a simple forum message). But, I appreciate your thoughts as they confirmed my decision to take my profile public.

It's painful. It's tedious. And, I know of no better way--at this point--to attempt to find what I seek.

That's life. And it works the same with the genders reversed.

One very good way is to forget about relationships and forge friendships. Participate in the forums. Enjoy the people you encounter. Meet people you genuinely would love just to meet for coffee.

First, the best relationships often grow out of friendships. I know mine did, and like you, after many promising false starts.

And second, you can watch how people interact with others, get to know them as they are when they don't know you're watching. That alone would have saved me a ton of trouble, particularly seeing how see treats others.

In time. I'm in a relationship more perfect than any I could have imagined with my girl and life partner. She feels the same way. It's possible. But it takes patience and the right person. Then you'll appreciate what you learned from all the "false" starts.

(in reply to EssentiaIndy)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/23/2014 3:35:18 PM

Posts: 180
Joined: 7/14/2011
Status: offline

A good relationship is better than being single; but being single is better than a bad relationship.

It sounds like a joke, but any cop will tell you, pretty much the first alibi checked in an unexplained murder is the spouses.

And even if it doesn't go worst case. Even harmless bad relationships cock/cunt-block you from getting in a real lasting relationship.

A good relationship should feel like the right place to be, both now and in the future, for both of you.
This applies to perverts and vanilla equally, since any strangers can have an exciting sex act in common for hours, even if one of them would rather be somewhere else.
Sex is easy to figure out, but a relationship is all the boring hours between the sex, awake and unconscious.

So check for blind-spots in your present vs assumed future feelings. John Cheese hit a chord with " ..here's one warning sign you can look for: Is your love of this person based on some conditions you are hoping they'll fulfil later? Do you find yourself thinking, "I love him when he's not drinking" or "She'll be hot after she loses 50 pounds?" Yeah, that never works. Even on the rare occasion that it appears to work, even if you get them to change "for you," you're not seeing the hidden resentment festering in their minds. They won't like the fact that they had to modify themselves to suit your needs. Make no mistake, that resentment will one day manifest, and it won't be pretty...".

(in reply to Musicmystery)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/24/2014 3:18:00 AM

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyThoughts

A good relationship is better than being single; but being single is better than a bad relationship.

It sounds like a joke, but any cop will tell you, pretty much the first alibi checked in an unexplained murder is the spouses.

And even if it doesn't go worst case. Even harmless bad relationships cock/cunt-block you from getting in a real lasting relationship.

A good relationship should feel like the right place to be, both now and in the future, for both of you.
This applies to perverts and vanilla equally, since any strangers can have an exciting sex act in common for hours, even if one of them would rather be somewhere else.
Sex is easy to figure out, but a relationship is all the boring hours between the sex, awake and unconscious.

So check for blind-spots in your present vs assumed future feelings. John Cheese hit a chord with " ..here's one warning sign you can look for: Is your love of this person based on some conditions you are hoping they'll fulfil later? Do you find yourself thinking, "I love him when he's not drinking" or "She'll be hot after she loses 50 pounds?" Yeah, that never works. Even on the rare occasion that it appears to work, even if you get them to change "for you," you're not seeing the hidden resentment festering in their minds. They won't like the fact that they had to modify themselves to suit your needs. Make no mistake, that resentment will one day manifest, and it won't be pretty...".

^^^ All of this.

Or, if it isn't "Fuck Yeah!" (for both of you), it's "No."

_____________________________

Nookie
--
https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

(in reply to SexyThoughts)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 12/28/2014 8:11:14 PM

Posts: 108
Status: offline

Similar to a vanilla lifestyle, you start off slowly. Actually get to know the Dominant. If he has a genuine interest, he will do the same without imposing demands out of the gate. Have dinner. Actually have real discussions. Go out. All of those things will give you an indication.

Relationships are scary. It requires you to put yourself out there with a level of vulnerability that makes most of us uncomfortable. There is no easy way to determine if someone is the right person. However, I recommend shorter meetings more frequently just to make sure. A 10 day meeting indicated there was some level of mutual interest. But, as you begin to be around a person, you see more of who they are. Unfortunately, it just takes time.

Now, don't make the mistake of interrogating every man you chat with. Let things happen. While you should be a bit guarded, take your time and let things play out a little at a time.

(in reply to EssentiaIndy)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 3/28/2015 5:20:49 PM

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/24/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EssentiaIndy

So, my question in all this...?

How do I ask better questions in the future? How do I find out if someone is really ready to bring a submissive into his life?

As you've done on your profile. Just flat out say what you're looking for.

Other than that, ask the 5 and 10 year question. (Where do you see yourself in 5 AND 10 years from now)
This will give you a better idea of how serious they are. But, this also isn't a 100% thing.

(in reply to EssentiaIndy)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 3/28/2015 6:20:01 PM

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

I think the way you're phrasing the question reveals one of the issues.

You think of it as "screening" for men who want an LTR - whereas I think your problem is attracting them in the first place.

Men will fuck women who'll get them off. They'll have relationships with women who are a cut above the rest. Especially women who they believe are just a little too good for them.

At 54, you don't have the options you once did. This is not shopping, it's trying to attract a mate. If you think this place is a buffet and you've simply got to sample the dishes until you find one you like, then your underlying assumptions aren't helping you.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to EssentiaIndy)

RE: How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Re... - 3/28/2015 6:58:01 PM

Posts: 3289
Status: offline

With threads that are over a year old, please leave them where they are and create a new thread on the topic. This one will be locked.

_____________________________

FAST REPLY

(in reply to Awareness)

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> How to screen for those seeking a real Long-Term Relationship

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.195