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Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 1:47:50 AM   
x0xMasterx0x


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/27/2014
Status: offline 		Tale of the Slave part 1

Day.1

To day was the day thing where openly discussed sitting on the Sofa.. we began the shaky sex talk of what we are into an it began to emerge that we were into the same thing.. Master/Slave.. So later on in the day thing began to hot up between the two of us.. our body heat was rising an sexual tension was heavy in the air
There where look exchanged an I found my self looking for the dressing grown.. using the cord to keep it shut.. I took it.. an Said.. Slave.. drop to your knees..
Slave dropped to her knees.. Not knowing quite what was going to happen.. At this point Master was standing in front for his prize new slave to begin training… I slowly began to wrap the dressing gown cord around her head.. Nice an tight.. Across her eye’s an back around to the back of her head.. an tied it off with a double not..
On her knees she awaits..
Master.. Breathes near her ear an whisper’s.. Are you going to be a good little slave girl now.. show off an impress me.. I want you to go all out.. to please.. My Slave nodd’s her head to say yes.. I take my shaft out… I leave it hang semi so close to My slaves face.. she could sense my rod.. With that I take my semi a slap it across her right cheek.. then the left.. Shaft hardening as My SLAVE moans n readies for another slap.. which she take another two on each cheek.. By now my rod is hard an throbbing.. I open slaves mouth.. an slide my shaft in slowly.. all the way to the back of her throat.. slave gag’s.. Chokes.. I remove my rod.. she gets her breath an takes it back in her wetting mouth.. like a pro she starts grinding my shaft.. feeling my cock rubbing of the roof of her mouth an back of her throat… I take it out n command her to spit on the end of my now pulsating rod… She obeys an spits.. three times more.. my cock dripping with her spit.. I take it an face slap her.. It left spit all over the side of her face.. an lips.. dripping off her chin onto the floor..
I walk away for a moment.. as she sits there
An waits
I tell her to stand up.. slave obeys.. she gets up immediately..
I take her hand a walk her half way towards the bed an suddenly stop her… I stand behind her so close she can smell Masters sent… knowing I’m there.. I slowly touch her body from behind.. all over slowly.. teasing the already hard nipples… pausing a moment to pull at them n hear slave moan… I slowly run my hands down to her hips.. an push my right hand in between her legs.. where I find a soaking wet clit.. so wet.. that her thong was soaked n sticking to the back of my hand as I teased her clit.. whispering in her ear in a deep tone.. ”who’s.. Been a bad.. Bad slave.” Slave reply’s “I’ve been a vvery bad slave Master.. I think you should punish me..” with that I push my second finger deep inside slaves soaking pussy.. tender n soft wet n ready.. I remove my finger n walk around the front of her.. I look at her standing there unknowing what could happen.. waiting.. I say “slave open your legs wider..” slave move’s.. no words needed… I walk over to her but this time.. I stand slightly left of her .. I say “yes slave.. you will be punished”… I take my hand n gently start to slap it against her soaking wet clit n pussy.. the harder I get the crazy she wants more.. her body judders n she moan’s.. begging me “fuck me Master.. FUCK ME.. please.. I’ll.. doo anything..?”.. I say nothing.. I use my fingers to move the thong over.. showing off her wet clit n tight pussy.. I run my two fingers over clit n massage a little it until. I hit the little spot.. make her moan.. as she start to moan I push the same finger inside her soaking wet pussy hole.. she so wet.. her pussy juice’s start to run an drip off the back of my hand… I with ease find her tender sweet G spot an press my finger against it slave begs me “no master no..” aha she knows what’s coming.. I tease n play n start to really finger fuck slave hard fast n rough hitting the spot’s.. n keep teasing her G spot.. “ you will squirt for me slave.. right now in your thong.. Do you understand me.. slave”.. Slave reply’s while panting n moaning while I keep playing with her G spot.… “Master I can’t.. that’s naughty.. it’s bad…” I reply..”no slave.. it’s called being a good dirty little slave girl an pleasing Master.. so you will squirt.. right now!”.. with that.. I finger her totally soaking pussy harder faster n much rougher.. moments later.. slave.. moan’s an suddenly a massive double gush of cum comes flooding out.. all over my hand an all down the side on my leg.. all over her thong inner leg’s an across the floor..

I take my slaves hand.. an lead her to the bed….

message me if you like the writing
Thanks
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RE: Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 2:47:31 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		Several comments....

This should be in Creative Writings, not here.

Try using sensible grammar. Sometimes I'm not sure if the double periods ".." are supposed to be a period or a comma or a run-on and that sometimes changes the nuance of the sentence.
Questions have a question mark at the end (?), not a period.
New sentences should be capitalized.

Proof-read it and correct the English.
Use the proper words like 'and' instead of 'an'. 'Sent', as in the smell has a 'c' in it (scent).
"To day" is one word, not two.

The last paragraph is a tad too long. Try breaking it up.

Try using a half-decent word processor to pick up these things instead of a text editor.

I did plow my way through it... eventually.
First impressions? Mediocre. Uninspiring.
Sorry, but it's just the sort thing you'd come across in a cheap cheesy porn mag or movie.


Just my at first glance.


ETA: Just showed it to my SO who is an author.
Her comment (without reading the actual words of the story) was: "Awful presentation".




< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 1/24/2015 2:54:06 AM >

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 5:09:09 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline 		Terrible, terrible grammar and spelling. Seriously I couldn't read beyond the first paragraph. I did skim the rest and there's nothing interesting here. Bad porn, nothing more and yes it should be in Creative Writing if it has to be here at all.

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 1:10:41 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5159
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		You really need to read the section guidelines before posting. If this is just a fantasy then it should have been in creative writing. If it happened for real please tell us her name here, when you met, and how long you knew each other before you met.

As others have said, your grammar is awful. What I did read was difficult to read and understand. I also have no idea why slaves would have more of a need to read this than any other person around here.

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 3:20:34 PM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

<snip> I also have no idea why slaves would have more of a need to read this than any other person around here.


Isn't it obvious? It's so that all the slaves who read it get immensely turned on and go running to him.


_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 3:23:18 PM   
Dvr22999874


Posts: 2849
Joined: 9/11/2008
Status: offline 		It reads like one of the old 'Port Said Bibles'

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 4:05:05 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Please accept some suggestions.

1. Master/slave is a deep connection of obedience. This writing presents it as being about sex, nothing more.
2. "You've been a bad girl" is roleplay. It strikes me as odd that M/s would include that. I would absolutely not recommend it for the first beginning of M/s, because it would cloud the strong dynamic that needs to be put in place.

In addition - yeah, improve the form as well as the content, as the others said.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 10:21:33 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		This post could have been a lot shorter if you had just said, "she blew me and I fingered her." I guess that is a positive experience unless you really did hit her in the face with a semi. Why do you want slaves to read this?

When you "wrap the dressing gown cord around her head" was it like a Rambo bandana dress up thing?

You said, "I take my semi a slap it across her right cheek" - Did you hit her in the face with with a semi truck? You know, most people don't have to mention that getting run over by a truck is out of bounds... it's just sorta' taken from granted that isn't something you have to worry about.

I don't see much BDSM stuff in all that. So what happened on day 2, did you get around to doing any BDSM stuff on day 2?

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/24/2015 10:36:16 PM   
Kittenluv954


Posts: 237
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline 		TLDR.

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/25/2015 6:29:12 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

You said, "I take my semi a slap it across her right cheek" - Did you hit her in the face with with a semi truck? You know, most people don't have to mention that getting run over by a truck is out of bounds... it's just sorta' taken from granted that isn't something you have to worry about.

I don't see much BDSM stuff in all that. So what happened on day 2, did you get around to doing any BDSM stuff on day 2?


Getting hit in the face with a semi truck would probably put all fun on hold for a while so I'm guessing there was no BDSM stuff on day 2 either.

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/26/2015 2:59:49 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline 		Damn. I couldn't read it. The bad porn and grammar hurt by head by line 3.

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/26/2015 11:03:35 AM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

Damn. I couldn't read it. The bad porn and grammar hurt by head by line 3.

That was an exercise in creative punctuation, not creative writing.

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/26/2015 12:14:28 PM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stef


quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

Damn. I couldn't read it. The bad porn and grammar hurt by head by line 3.

That was an exercise in creative punctuation, not creative writing.


*gigglesnorts*

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Slaves please read - 1/26/2015 12:14:43 PM   
Hollypdx


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/26/2015
Status: offline 		Grammar Nazi

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Slaves please read - 1/26/2015 12:27:52 PM   
Moderator3


Posts: 3289
Status: offline 		I'm not letting this turn into something bigger than it ought to be.

< Message edited by Moderator3 -- 1/26/2015 12:29:12 PM >

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RE: Slaves please read - 1/27/2015 5:40:19 PM   
takestherightone


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/22/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

This post could have been a lot shorter if you had just said, "she blew me and I fingered her." I guess that is a positive experience unless you really did hit her in the face with a semi. Why do you want slaves to read this?

When you "wrap the dressing gown cord around her head" was it like a Rambo bandana dress up thing?

You said, "I take my semi a slap it across her right cheek" - Did you hit her in the face with with a semi truck? You know, most people don't have to mention that getting run over by a truck is out of bounds... it's just sorta' taken from granted that isn't something you have to worry about.

I don't see much BDSM stuff in all that. So what happened on day 2, did you get around to doing any BDSM stuff on day 2?


This made it worth suffering through - hilarious.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Slaves please read - 1/28/2015 2:15:45 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Thank you takestherightone . . . as a sadist, I am always glad to hear that I have made someone's suffering a worthy adventure.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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Profile   Post #: 17
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