RE: Would this be considered abuse?

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RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/27/2015 6:33:52 PM

ResidentSadist

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You're not obeying him and you feel being disciplined for disobedience is abuse. He didn't cut you off, he continued communications through text. It was your own anxiety causing you problems, not him. Despite your justifications, you are the one that cut him off, not the other way around.

If you had said you didn't like to obey or not purging was beyond your ability, that seems more honest than blaming it on him and asking if it was abuse. He didn't abuse you, he was trying to stop you from abusing yourself. When you wouldn't stop, he prescribed a discipline and told you he was reconsidering his involvement with you.

At least that is how I see it.

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RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 3/1/2015 1:13:24 AM

vivaciousgrace

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You feel abandoned, but he probably feels that this relationship isn't going to work because he doesn't want to be with you if you are still purging. He is allowed to make that choice, even if you dislike it.
He is wrong to think your Bulimia can be magically cured by his orders though. Were you clear with him that you still do this? Or did you give him reason to believe you had more control?

I don't know the ins and outs of your negotiations beforehand.

You are new to this lifestyle.

The trick to being successful in it is to get really really good at the negotiation part and communication in general. And believe me we all fuck that up our first few times out ;)

Good luck x

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RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 3/1/2015 1:15:23 AM

TieMeInKnottss

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I am going to disagree with what some have said here about this being abuse....and I will suspend judgement on him as a Dom.

Many people don't understand the nature of eating disorders. I have walked this road for way too many years so I know the mentality that goes into it from your standpoint. As gently as possible, I am going to say...you should NOT be involved right now. EDs(eating disorders) are an addiction same as drugs or alcohol. Different weapon...same intent to self destruct and same running away from the underlying problem. Addictions are funny things. We can desperately want to stop, we can sometimes replace a primary addiction with something else. You can even go on the wagon and stop the behavior, but until the REASON you became addicted is addressed...you are still an addict (ever heard the term "dry drunk"?). Addicts cannot have healthy relationships. There is a definite similarity in EDs and being a sub/slave/bottom in BDSM which may be part of your interest (YOU will understand what I mean but many others won't ).

You need real help if you want to stop. The problem is that, those who THINK they can fix/help an addict either quickly realize they are in over their heads and leave you because they recognize the futility and danger to themselves or they become part of the problem. After YOU have YOU under control and are responsible for your own mental well-being, then you can involve other people.

This is not abuse because the fundamental thing that all addicts have in common is that we lie, we manipulate and we will do anything to get our fix. If you replaced the words "eating disorder", "purge"...with "coke or alcohol addiction" and "drinking binge" or "snorted a little cocaine", you would have gotten a different set of answers.

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RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 3/1/2015 1:58:55 PM

sheisreeds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

This is not abuse because the fundamental thing that all addicts have in common is that we lie, we manipulate and we will do anything to get our fix. If you replaced the words "eating disorder", "purge"...with "coke or alcohol addiction" and "drinking binge" or "snorted a little cocaine", you would have gotten a different set of answers.

This, but I'm going to take it a step further. Addictions, and definitely eating disorders also impair our social functioning and interaction. Eating disorders point to more going on underneath the surface. Your purging likely would have caused similar situations in a vanilla relationships. To feel this betrayed, abandoned, and anxious about what happens really points to there being deeper issues that need to be addressed in therapy and/or support groups.

It is impossible to fully love another person when you are engaged in ED, as you are harming your body and unable to fully love yourself. To be able to fully love another person and have a healthy relationship with trust, reasonable expectations, etc you need to be able to fully love yourself.

I come at this as a survivor of self injury, and a licensed mental health clinician that focuses on addiction and trauma.

There is a lot of great professional and peer to peer support out there. I know for myself an online support group did more to help me than any therapist ever did.

I wish you the best and wish you healing.

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RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 3/14/2015 11:12:06 AM

DominusJT

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I don't want to come off as harsh, but this is not something I would call "abuse".

First, you had only met in person for the second time...to me that suggests that there was no contract and therefore neither side has officially taken responsibility for their respective roles. My take is that you were both still feeling each other out and in that context anything and everything was done based solely on a volunteer basis (more informally than the SSC involved with any D/s). You offered some submission for Him to gage your value and likewise He offered some Dominance for you to gage His value. Pretty much the only way to do it, right?

It seems to me that you became too dependent on Him too quickly and the two of you were not on the same page or time table. Unfortunate, but it does happen often.

It should also be noted that in this scenario, it seems that you had already agreed to some point to follow His instructions...you failed...and any good Dom will never let failure go unpunished. In this case, he would only accept texts from you. Seems reasonable to me if not lenient. I have cut all communication from my subs for X number of days for infractions depending on the severity as a means of punishment and I certainly wouldn't call that abuse. They were told why and for how long so that's discipline.

I will say that I do not agree with how He handled the situation toward the end though. If he decided that a relationship with you wasn't something he wanted to pursue, he should have been a man about it and told you straight up. Sadly, there are a lot of cowards out there that will do exactly what he did and just ignore you until you go away. That, I would classify as cowardice, but not necessarily abuse.

While painful for you, I wouldn't classify this situation under the "abuse" category. I don't see that he used any of your weaknesses or his authority against you in an abusive manor. He's a coward and maybe a bad Dom, but not an abuser from my vantage point.

My advice: Next time, stress the communication from the start. Get and stay on the same page. Don't get too attached or emotionally dependent until a Dom has proven worthy. You might spare yourself unnecessary pain by doing so.

Hope this helps.

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RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 3/22/2015 10:31:45 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

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The hardest part of communication in a BDSM relationship is when the slave thinks she has failed to obey or when the Master thinks he has failed to be in control of himself.

My advice, should the relationship continue, is to let your dom know ahead of time when you think you are going to fail so that he can help you. Otherwise you are simply being disobedient. If you ask for his help first though, you are being a good girl.

Ask for help.

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RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 3/23/2015 2:55:00 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominusJT

you failed...and any good Dom will never let failure go unpunished.

Except that this is totally wrong. More long term relationships don't have a punishment dynamic than do. And punishing someone for something they're incapable of proves the dominant to be the failure.
Or do you order your sub to flap her wings and fly and then punish her for being unable to do that?

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RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 3/28/2015 1:21:56 PM

MasterEmbrace

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He said, other he said, she said & the pixies in my head ,whatever my name is on here these days, say. How am I to know whom speaketh the truth save from the words you use so I will go with these - your words and how you say them are to my liking.

And I do not know what experienced means, nor inference less he be a veritble oracle of sage advice and impeccable morals – sold mine for a muffin - but good impartial advice is exactly that

Bulimia I just mentioned a couple of threads back very complex I was once married a long time ago to someone like that add in anorexia and the rational that goes behind it – I just didn’t like her as a person and perhaps she not me who can say and I care not a jot

Sometimes there are reasons for (mental issues-its life) them being so seared into their very beings..so yes it is hard to stop as you say.

I do not think you should be hiding anything from anyone you are in a relationship with. We all have mental issues. Some more than others some more vulnerable than others and there can be many simple reasons to complex reasons to no real reason whatsoever to being the case

But I am more concerned with the following
You met him twice where? His place your place a motel – whatever they are.
How long have you spoken to him – known him

He wishes that you may now only grace his magnificence presence with a few text words

I myself would stand against 100 men. & women, of such character – and I often do and it gets me into trouble often with their kind – but the thing about my mind is it holds know value to those with no meaning

Do you believe you are in a relationship with him and why so
He does not with you – if he thinks you are not his equal partner you cannot be abandoned do you think she will hear this dear readers – they almost never truly do

I am often alone for long periods of my life I can function most of this time this way, not all of the time. But that is life is it not and would I put up with someone who did that to me
Nope

slippernote
its not abuse - he has told you what he is doing and why - not that I agree with it or his reasons - he should cut thee free so you may find one more suited to your spirit and very being - we exist.

perhaps set your self free - yes this one I like

is he using the carrot and stick - i am not sure - is he crafty and full of pants - again I am not sure

< Message edited by MasterEmbrace -- 3/28/2015 1:22:38 PM >

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