The Puzzle of Embarrassment

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The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/4/2015 3:03:41 PM

HarmoniousProse

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As a person who:

1) has been a product of a right-wing, ultra-conservative, upbringing
2) has lived in a metaphorical shell, harboring high levels of self-consciousness
3) might be labeled by outsiders (perhaps accurately so) as a Prude, due to lack of intimacy and sexual exploits

How common is the desire to:

1) experience a wide range of embarrassments, from tame to the other end of the spectrum, which might entail humiliation

This has been a conundrum faced from a personal level over the last year or so. An inward feeling I've tried to wait-out, dissipate, believing it would go away. It seems to me, from a logical standpoint, that the last thing an individual should want (who is a product of Items 1-3) is to deal with the very things they've tried to hide from.

RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/4/2015 3:08:17 PM

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When it comes to people, throw the word should out the window.

However, many people who come from sex negative backgrounds find humiliation to be erotic. It's exceedingly common.

It appears that those who don't have any conflicts about their sexuality are the ones least likely to be attracted to this.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/4/2015 4:56:07 PM

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The feelings are held by more people than you can think of. It also can be measure to a person that when they go into a crowded room, or even just a small gathering, they go into a shell. The shell then becomes cracked when they start talking with another person and it finally comes cracking right open when they feel relaxed and open.

It does come down to balance in your life. So what if people think you are a prude, are they the ones that you work with over and over, or the ones that you just see monthly. You have to look at the whole picture to have a look through the magnifying glass.

Frank.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/4/2015 5:51:34 PM

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With that said, nobody else gets to own my sexuality but me. Unless I choose to give that over.

I'm a demisexual. If I'm not in a romantic relationship with someone, I am not sexually aroused by others. I don't look at cute guys and say "I'd do him." This doesn't make me a prude. It makes me someone who knows what she requires to become physically intimate.

If others chose to call me names because I don't settle for relationships that don't work for me, I would conclude that they aren't the kinds of people I need in my life and I'd look for new friends.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/5/2015 5:47:24 AM

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I see prude and shy as totally different things. "Prude" is considering choices of lifestyle that don't meet their personal code to be somehow immoral. Being uncomfortable with casual intimacy is not prudish.

Having a desire, or fetish, for humiliation is a way to experience things you were trained were taboo without having to blatantly ignore ingrained attitudes. Also, being embarrassed triggers the "fight or flight" response with the endorphin release to your system. A little self knowledge can go a long way to achieving what you want and need.

I'm reminded of a lady that could only achieve orgasm with sex in a place where there was a significant chance of been seen by strangers. That didn't click with me as the chance of being brought up on criminal charges totally put me out of the mood for intimacy.
Another lady I know has a huge phobia about going out of the house without a bra. Body image issue over much larger than average nipples. I once convinced her to wear a tight t-shirt with no bra when I took her to a festival. Every time she noticed someone looking in her direction, she blushed from her sandal covered feet to the top of her head. Afterwards, claimed it was one of the most wonderful weekends she ever had. She still doesn't even go out in the yard without a bra unless someone insists. I think she needs someone to give permission to be risque before she can enjoy it.

Is there something deep down in your dark side that you would really like to do but are too embarrassed to do yourself?

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/6/2015 6:49:35 PM

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No desire to be embarrassed at all. I enjoy feeling accepted and valued for my kink. I say a humiliation fetish is fairly common though.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/7/2015 6:01:19 PM

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It may be a case of correlation but not causation, i.e. plenty of people who did not have a similar upbringing share the same desires. If humiliation continues to turn you on, you should try some of the milder forms of it that you crave. Afterwards, reflect and/or discuss, then decide whether or not to take it further. Also, having fantasies far more extreme than anything you do in real life is fairly normal for a kinky person.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/9/2015 2:39:05 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HarmoniousProse

As a person who:

1) has been a product of a right-wing, ultra-conservative, upbringing
2) has lived in a metaphorical shell, harboring high levels of self-consciousness
3) might be labeled by outsiders (perhaps accurately so) as a Prude, due to lack of intimacy and sexual exploits

How common is the desire to:

1) experience a wide range of embarrassments, from tame to the other end of the spectrum, which might entail humiliation

This has been a conundrum faced from a personal level over the last year or so. An inward feeling I've tried to wait-out, dissipate, believing it would go away. It seems to me, from a logical standpoint, that the last thing an individual should want (who is a product of Items 1-3) is to deal with the very things they've tried to hide from.

I think I have talked about this somewhere before. A person's upbringing or genetic nature has very little effect on his / her kinks and desires. In fact, would I go so far to say that the more conservative your upbringing, the more you tend to have wild fantasies? Forbidden things attract human beings as a general rule of nature. This is no exception. Add to it the general climate of repression one feels while growing up, contrasted against the freedom of adulthood, and you have a potent mix.

On the other hand, it is important to stress that these desires and fantasies are in no way morally wrong. Such feeling pervade almost every one of us, in one flavor or the other. Some want to do things to others, some want things done to them. Human sexual expression is vast and varied, and there are very poor judges sitting in some corner of the world deeming some acts to be immoral. Dont pay them attention. As long as what you are doing (or intend to do) is safe, legal and bring you (or mutual) pleasure, thats the end of it. Its your personal life, do what you will with it.

(in reply to HarmoniousProse)

RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/17/2015 10:53:15 AM

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You are who you have always been, will always be. Total conditioning is possible but it rarely extinguishes free will. But alas it is ingrained in bits and bobs if you wished the technical terminology.

Feeling dirty, feelings of humiliation, loathing, disgust, knee shaking heart racing uncontrollable excitement, etc see my first sentence these will likely remain the rest of your being and you will wrestle with those to one degree or another, at different moments in time, evermore. This is normal in all people almost without exception, therefore fret not.

Perhaps you will be set free, perhaps someone - the right someone will do it for you, perhaps you can never be set free, perhaps your inner conflict & turmoil will not allow you - thats not free will merely part of your conditioning. Jekyll and Hyde is an apt analogy - or if you prefer good v evil as it has been through all of known time.

I cant answer this for you, for you are in inner turmoil, more than most, but not all.
Or foresee the future,
or into your mind/soul
or whether these will remain imprisoned,
but i have come across a few of you in my lifetime. Some are set free others retreat.

Quality of one person can be more than that of a thousand. Quantity is irrelevant except for muffins
i wonder what you will do and what will become of you because I rarely stay long here merely pass through at moments in time

(in reply to IcarusBurning)

RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/25/2015 10:56:18 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HarmoniousProse

As a person who:

1) has been a product of a right-wing, ultra-conservative, upbringing
2) has lived in a metaphorical shell, harboring high levels of self-consciousness
3) might be labeled by outsiders (perhaps accurately so) as a Prude, due to lack of intimacy and sexual exploits

How common is the desire to:

1) experience a wide range of embarrassments, from tame to the other end of the spectrum, which might entail humiliation

This has been a conundrum faced from a personal level over the last year or so. An inward feeling I've tried to wait-out, dissipate, believing it would go away. It seems to me, from a logical standpoint, that the last thing an individual should want (who is a product of Items 1-3) is to deal with the very things they've tried to hide from.

The environment you describe growing up in sounds like a very structured one, in which control would play a major factor. I would guess that, as a consequence, you likely have control issues... and like many people with control issues you may have identified that control does not necessarily equate to happiness.

Embarrassment, or more specifically humiliation, is - in effect - the consequence of a complete loss of control. It does not surprise me that someone raised in a controlling environment may crave to experience the loss of control, or to be forced to relinquish control. It can be a very useful tool in learning how to escape the very isolating and self sabotaging effects of obsessive control issues.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/25/2015 8:00:23 PM

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Intellectually, I can understand how someone can associate their sexuality with shame and have that manifest in a desire for embarrassment in play.

But I can't do it. I don't respond well to humiliation. I either get angry and defensive, or withdraw. Neither are conducive to play.

Also like DesFIP said, I have no shame/hangups about my sexuality so it'd be difficult to associate sex with humiliation.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 4/26/2015 6:15:29 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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I was raised in a strict Southern Baptist environment. Sexuality was not necessarily a shameful thing but you certainly weren't encouraged to experiment with kink. When I learned of kink, after I had left my husband, part of what tickled my tummy and got me wet was the overall taboo of things. That sense of being naughty and wicked. As I educated myself and moved away from thinking of sexuality as an evil, wicked thing and began associating it with a healthy and natural act; what tickled my tummy and got me wet wasn't the same. I still like kinky sex, I just don't feel the humiliation or shame in it. In fact, I've learned that humiliation (for me)is a bad place. Not one I want to go. YMMV

ETA. That was a FR not in response to anyone in particular.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 4/26/2015 6:17:45 AM >

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 1/21/2017 9:56:51 PM

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I delight in your unique perspective. Helping you to embrace embarrassment and humiliation is where I come in

(in reply to HarmoniousProse)

RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 1/21/2017 11:38:39 PM

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Way to go genius, you've commented on another 2 year old thread.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 1/22/2017 2:01:32 PM

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I think he's hitting on her because she lives near to him. Although a young twenty something probably won't be terribly responsive to some way old creepy dude.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 1/22/2017 3:49:25 PM

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And even if she might have been, which I agree would be unlikely, she is a young twenty something who is no longer here. I have also seen better intros on Fet's "The sad solicitation emails we receive" group.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 1/22/2017 7:29:47 PM

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I find it odd that the OP, who hasn't been on the forums for over a year, suddenly viewed my profile.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 1/23/2017 4:39:57 AM

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Scratch the first part of my post then.

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RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 3/1/2017 3:01:26 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HarmoniousProse

As a person who:

1) has been a product of a right-wing, ultra-conservative, upbringing
2) has lived in a metaphorical shell, harboring high levels of self-consciousness
3) might be labeled by outsiders (perhaps accurately so) as a Prude, due to lack of intimacy and sexual exploits

How common is the desire to:

1) experience a wide range of embarrassments, from tame to the other end of the spectrum, which might entail humiliation

I see this was posted in 2015, but I just read it today. And I think the key thing here is. I don't think it's the humiliation aspect of things that you are into. You have been brought up to be uncomfortable with some sexual things.

So really, you really just need someone to "force" you to experience or do the things, you feel uncomfortable about. Maybe because you want to experience them. Because of your discomfort, it may feel embarrassing or humiliating.

But not necessary because you enjoy those things, but simply, you just needed to feel like, someone else is forcing you to do it, rather than voluntarily doing it yourself.

I am not sure if you really enjoy being humiliated or embarrassed.

Also I am just thinking, "humiliation and embarrassment" can mean different things for different people. Some people are just natural exhibitionists for example. There is no humiliation or embarrassment for them doing that and they happily do it all the time because they get joy, exhilaration, they just love it.

While someone uncomfortable with exhibitionism may feel the humiliation and embarrassment if asked to do so and do it reluctantly.

(in reply to HarmoniousProse)

RE: The Puzzle of Embarrassment - 3/12/2017 8:21:56 AM

AdamSilentMentor

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Such a beautiful analysis, Greta75. You expressed exactly my point, so I am just dropping by to pay you a compliment for it. Thank you!

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