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LoveofMind -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (6/16/2015 12:26:43 AM)
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Hi everyone, really enjoyed reading through this thread. There were many insightful posts. I'm a younger submissive male with a slightly different perspective from what I've read so far, so I thought I'd share (in an effort to get to know you better, of course).
Actually, I'll begin by sharing a passage written by Dostoyevsky that describes the way I feel about this topic. His writing really resonates with me, and he can explain it better than I'll ever be able to.
"if two clever men meet who are not intimate, but respect each other, like you and me, it takes them half an hour before they can find a subject for conversation - they are dumb, they sit opposite each other and feel awkward. Everyone has subjects of conversations, ladies for instance... people in high society always have their subjects of conversation, c'est de rigueur, but people of the middle sort like us, thinking people that is, are always tongue-tied and awkward. What is the reason of it? Whether it is the lack of public interest, or whether it is we are so honest we don't want to deceive one another, I don't know."
I've always gotten along with females, better perhaps than I do with males. I'm friends with many girls who are my age, work well with female bosses in the workplace, and made the strongest connections with my female teachers, especially in my higher level studies. My behavior and the way I communicate with each of these groups are all completely isolated and different. Yet, they are all genuine. The change in my personality and communication is merely a manifestation of my submission to the particular woman I'm with. It's not something I control & it's hardly ever a sexual or kinky manifestation. there are definitely times where I'm a bad listener or may seem uninterested in the woman I'm speaking with. However, that's almost never my intention. If I'm speaking to you, I'm interested in you. But I can't learn anything about you from small talk, and engaging in it often contradicts my actual interest in getting to know you. This thought is best articulated by Robin William's famous monologue in Good Will Hunting:
"So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written...If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites...And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, 'once more unto the breach dear friends.'...Personally, I don't give a sh*t about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some f**kin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in."
Sure, everyone loves this quotes and would probably agree with or desire it. But many people don't realize that talking about your struggle, your likes, your life is not always the same as talking about you, about who you are. It's not always a linear or deliberate path in getting to know someone on this deep of a level. Often, it depends on your personality and circumstances beyond our control. For example...
When I'm talking with a female who I just met and I ask her questions and make an effort to get to know her, it's because I've already picked up on her personality & sadly enough, I'm not really interested in what she's about to say. This isn't because I don't care about her or that I think her life has nothing worth sharing. I just know she isn't going to reveal anything meaningful in the short-term. And oddly enough, it's probably my best form of communication with woman, regardless of their age. People who love to share small things about themselves, love to share small things about themselves. Still, I enjoy meeting this type of person. However, when I see other men flirt with them and see how easily they fall, I just lose all respect for them. How can you not see right through his "how to win friends and influence people" inspired dialogue in approaching you? I mean, it's fine if you're seeking a one night stand, but if someone is really seeking a relationship, you'll end up brokenhearted 10/10. That guy never cared about you and never will. This is true even for the nice guys who don't even realize they only care about themselves. It will always be about him & every fight you two have and everything he says will be to serve his interest.
On the complete opposite side of the spectrum, there are woman who, for some reason, make me suspicious and guarded about forming deep conversations with, something I usually crave. This type of conversation is probably the rarest for me and for some reason, these types of woman are my closets, most long-term friends. Something about our conversations though just doesn't seem right to me, she doesn't seem genuine. Maybe it's an ignored sexual tension between us. Maybe she's a cold, calculating manipulator. Maybe we just have opposite personalities and I'm misinterpreting the conversation. It's that conundrum that can make me a purposefully bad listener & guilty for being a bad friend at the same time. I'll pick up subtext and hints about what she wants me to ask & purposefully ignore or do the opposite of them. I'll associate the problem she is venting about as a metaphor crafted to insult me. And so in my response, I'm hedging and minimizing her points. I'm finding the flaws, thinking strategically, using words to push and pull away from my true thoughts. Again, this is a rare occurrence. It's not like i'm overly paranoid or even disrespectful to others. She is definitely playing games too, and I hate that trait in people. But that disapproval is bound up with my submissiveness, genuine empathy and friendship and so after a period of being cold and distant, that emotion erupts in me being as honest and bare as humanly possible, saying things I didn't intend to share. And when that moment passes, the gravity of our new bond only adds power to the next eruption... they are passionate, love-hate affairs, they are both exhilarating, draining, and unsustainable
My conversations when meeting new dominant woman (in real, non-kinky life) usually end up going 1 of 3 ways. (1) She hates or sees no value in me. Perhaps I came on too strong or did something that offended her. Either way, it's beyond repair at that point. My future communication, if any, is always reserved and submissive, aiming to appease her, which seems to only increase the dislike. (2) my attraction to her makes me agreeable and I become one of her few close friends, mainly because she's perceived as a bitch (which is why I love her). The conversation usually is about her and things in her life because that's what we're both interested in discussing. She values my admiration and understanding of her and insights I provide of other people. I truly value you her. To outsiders, some of what I may sound like overly-done flattery, but she and I know it's a true expression of how i feel (3) we form an unspoken understanding of each other's dominant/submissive desires & randomly hookup while maintaining whatever normal relationship we have outside the bedroom. These conversations are the most fun. It's always professional, natural, and G rated in words, but secretly we are having our own conversation looking into each other's eyes. We communicate in innate feelings, words offer no value.
Wow! sorry this was so long. I was truly interested in the topic & well, just got on a roll without realizing it. Thanks everyone for sharing & anyone who took the time to read all of this. hope it help provided some new insight.
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