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A couple pain questions - 5/19/2015 6:45:07 AM

SeekingNimue

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Joined: 5/4/2015
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I imagine that I won't get much argument here when I say that pain is a fascinating phenomenon. ;-)

For one thing, it is one of the most universal experiences, shared by virtually every form of multicellular life. For another, it is one of our most crucial sensory inputs, without which survival itself becomes very difficult (just ask someone with Hansen's Disease). It is also one of our most emotionally fraught and misunderstood senses, which can override virtually anything else we might be thinking or feeling at the moment, which after all is a big part of what makes it so much fun! :-)

OK, needlessly wordy intro out of the way, I have a couple of questions about folks' experience of pain that I've been wondering about for a while, basically since a lovely and creative woman introduced me to the realization that my own relationship with pain was a good deal more complicated and interesting than I had heretofore realized. I had a "Doh!" moment this morning when I suddenly realized that this forum gave me access to what might arguably be some of the most knowledgeable folks on the planet regarding the range and variety of human social and emotional response to pain.

To (finally) get to the point:

(1) Colloquially we recognize/assume that people show considerable variation in their tolerance for pain. I'm wondering how much that is really true. Do y'all find that pain has to be "titrated" fairly carefully because folks can be all over the map in their tolerance, or is there much more of a "bunching" around some fairly standard levels of response?

(2) If tolerance does vary a fair amount, is experience (i.e. adaptation) a major factor? How about sex (er, gender)? The "common wisdom" is that women generally have higher pain thresholds, presumably as some consequence of millennia of selective evolution for dealing with childbirth. Do y'all find that to be the case?

(3) I'm pretty new to BDSM and these kinds of topics. One thing I am discovering is that having someone deliberately but - what, "kindly" maybe? - inflicting pain on me creates an emotional bond for me with that person. That realization blew a few synapses for me. Is this experience relatively common? I know pain releases endorphins - can it also trigger oxytocin or some other bonding mechanism? My gosh, could the pain of childbirth actually be a factor further encouraging the immediate bonding of mother and child? Wouldn't that be wild? Or is all of this humdrum common knowledge and I am just climbing out from under a rock?

Anyway, these are the kinds of things I am thinking about these days when I am supposed to be working. Sheesh. I'd love to hear any thoughts, experiences or opinions out there on these or any other aspects of the increasingly interesting world of pain. :-)

Thanks in advance!

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RE: A couple pain questions - 5/19/2015 12:27:09 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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I can only speak of my own desires and experiences as a femdom.

What turns me on is authentic vulnerability. Also, I am really turned on by subtle, honest, physical bodily reactions, sounds, movements.

As a teen just playfully making out with boys in the backseat for example, I learned that I loved to pull hair. Moreso, I loved to caress hair, then take a fistful, harmlessly, but slowly tighten my first until the guy let out a whimper or had to exhale in pain. Later I learned it was even more fun to make him look me in the eyes while I did it. We're just talking about hair pulling. Always slow, deliberate. The moment pain registered in his eyes, a little vulnerability, a change in his breathing, maybe the tensing of his shoulders - I was off the charts turned on.

That's before I knew what "turned on" was. I had never had an orgasm. Never been naked in front of a guy. We were just kids making out like all teenagers do.

Much later I learned about sadism. I don't have this "need" to inflict pain. I have a need to see vulnerability, reaction, surrender. In fact, it's almost easier for me when a man is tentative about pain, and definitely NOT a masochist. That way, I don't have to go to great lengths to inflict pain to get the reactions I want - unless he's a skilled, empathetic, intuitive bottom who really knows how to push buttons. He's probably acting half the time, but I don't care.

I can use a flogger, a riding crop, whatever. It's ok. I found that if I restrained a man and did these things to him (I was much older by then), it wasn't QUITE the same rush, but it created a physical arousal in me for sure. But it's a lot of work. It's a process. It's super draining. It's sometimes a little too much on the edge.

I found that my sweet spot is a mixture of bondage (my favorite), humiliation (when done right) and pain as an enhancement, usually just what I can deliver with my bare hands or mouth through biting, light slapping, hair pulling. I get off on the surrender and vulnerability (hate to sound like a broken record, but I worked hard to narrow my definition and it works). How I get to that moment with a man depends on his responsiveness to bondage, pain or humiliation and if those responses click with me and get me going.

I've had men who were total painsluts and they exhausted me, but it was fun. I've had men who had a very low tolerance for pain and they really rocked my world while I barely hurt them at all.

The other key component: Simple chemistry.

Does it make you closer? Hell yes.

Akasha

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RE: A couple pain questions - 5/19/2015 4:44:06 PM

ShaharThorne

Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
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For me, it is the tolerance of giving and receiving (switch). One guy loved having his hair pulled, a Dom enjoys breathplay with me, I enjoy caning a sissy, and yet another guy is into spanking my butt. I have not played for a few years now but I accidentally 'hurt' myself the other night giving myself a pedicure. The pain of it did feel good (but then I had 4 teeth taken out in the space of 8 days. Gotta love the laughing gas). One of the teeth was broken and as the dentist was pulling it out, it slipped out and went flying about. I had to laugh at the irony (besides, I think my dentist knows about how I am...). I always get pain meds from him though the relief of the teeth being pulled out is intoxicating...yes, I am a pain slut at times. I just hate standing for long periods of time and walking for a distance, especially if on concrete.

Every person is different...some are Tops, some are bottoms...same with Master and slave. Some guys has a high threshold for pain and some are wimps. I get emails from subs who want to maintain a LDR though an email/webcam situation and from Doms who write about how he would treat me. I seldom answer them now since my sex drive is all FUBAR. I had a Master who tried to protect me but did not know that his friend did not honor my hard limit (protection to be worn) and another sub's friend broke another limit, causing me to slip into a PTSD episode.

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RE: A couple pain questions - 5/19/2015 7:54:32 PM

bloomswell

Posts: 52
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I used to enjoy pain much more than I do now as I now live with 'real' pain. But even then I wouldn't really enjoy it despite taking a good deal of it! Instead I'd accept it as part of the deal for being able to be with a kinky partner. It was the submission and the partner that turned me on more than the pain itself.

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