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I solemnly swear that I will not... - 6/22/2015 9:37:28 AM   

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/21/2015
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I found this on another site, and laughed so much it hurt, so I have stolen it for your enjoyment, and invite you all to add to it!

I solemnly swear that I will not...

- Sing “hit me baby one more time” during a spanking.
- Squirt lube/squirty cream in his face and tell him I’m into ‘giving’ facials.
- Hide his spanking implements and replace them with Pokemon cards and chocolate bars.
- Use the Hitachi Wand as a pretend microphone.
- Say “now make me a sandwich” after he’s made me cum.
- Ask if he “kisses his momma with that mouth” while he’s dirty talking.
- Shout “ThunderCats are go” when he’s about to cum.
- Roll my eyes.
- Stomp my feet.
- Spank him with a spatula.
- Refer to him as “my bitch”
- Decorate with stickers, or attach balloons to his toy collection.
- Put nipple clamps on the chicken breasts in his fridge.
- Glue all the pegs together.
- Say “good girl” or “left a bit, right a bit” or hand him an A to Z while he’s performing oral sex on me.
- Recite the plot to High School Musical when he asks me how my day has been.
- Replace the contents of his underwear drawer with pretty girl knickers.
- Fill his pockets full of sequins and glitter.
- Draw a willy on his face while he sleeps.
- Draw a face on his willy while he sleeps.
- Attempt to capture/kidnap/restrain him. He is much taller, stronger, smarter, and meaner than me. Remember that!
- Use his rope for skipping.
- Refer to the kitchen as “his office”
- Change his desktop wallpaper to a collage of kittens, cupcakes and hearts.
- Change his ringtone to Justin Bieber.
- Shout “Hammer Time” when he tells me to stop.
- Text him random facts about cats in the middle of the night.
- Ask “is it in yet?”
- Call him Daddy in the supermarket, while squeezing his bum.
- Shout “you shall not pass” when he tries to insert his penis into me.
- Ask him to “take the Ring to Mordor” and hand him a cock ring.
- Refer to sex as porking or making bacon.
- Talk to him all about bacteria when he asks for dirty talk.
- Call his penis Princess Fluffykins/Pretty McPrettyton/a grown up lollipop.
- Say “she shoots, she scores” or score him out of ten after we’ve done the blanket dance.
- Ask if he has his man period.
- Stomp my feet and say “but I want to ride the penis”
- Gargle his man juice, or wipe it on his curtains.
- Pretend to choke to death.
- Use Bazinga as a safeword.
- Compare his penis to a strap on, and threaten him with it.
- Ask “are we there yet?” during sex.
- Make sheep noises.
- Measure/hit his penis with a spoon.
- Say “mmm you smell like my dad”
- Rickroll him during sex.
- Shout “trolls, trolls, the fucking trolls” in the middle of the night.
- Go cock eyed while looking up during a blow job.
- Pull his hair and call him Mary.
- Make him roses out of cum tissues.
- Stop mid hand job and ask him to pull my finger.
- Fall asleep during luuuuuurve making.
- Sing the Hokey Cokey while he contours me into different positions.
- Threaten him with vegetables.
- Ask if he’s paying with cash or credit card.
- Punch the air/do the “I got laid” dance after sex.
- Disagree with his choice of punishment, and recommend my own. - Call him a wuss/girl/wimp/pussy. It hurts.
- Threaten to stop tending my lady garden.
- Write threats on the bathroom mirror.
- Tell him I want a knickerbocker glory. We have different ideas of what this is!
- Put vegetables/slices of meat in his bed and tell him he has upset the local farmers market mafia.
- Shout “safeword” or “hard limit” when he tries to express his feelings.
- Perform surprise popping candy blow jobs.
- Do a Gollum impression and say “my precious” when he whispers threats in my ear.
- Continue to reference Lord of the Rings.
- Hogtie him while he sleeps. Boundaries. Consent. I’m learning.
- Do ice down his pants surprise attacks.
- Shout “beam me up, Scotty” when pulls out a Hitachi wand.
- Jump up and down on his bed while shouting “look at me! Check me out! I’m so awesome! I can swim like a motherfucking fish!”
- Ask him where he thinks our relationship is going?, What’s on the tellybox later?, How his mum is doing? when he’s about to cum.
- Hide chocolate buttons in his fleshlight. Chocolate willy surprise!
- Sew his belt to his pants.
- Take a picture of his cum face “SAY CHEESE!”


I watched the movie with subtitles on, therefore I have totally read the book
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