Dipping into the vanilla dating pool

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Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 10:33:13 AM

AAkasha

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Are you too kinky to date vanilla?

I dated a ton of vanilla guys -- for a femdom, I don't think it's as big an issue as it is for sub men who date vanilla and hope to convert. Let's face it, even the most traditional guy gets excited at the idea of a woman who owns her sexuality and knows what she wants. The roadblocks come down the road when it comes to frequency, intensity and his willingness to let go of control in other areas of his life.

But for a submissive male, it's a bigger challenge, especially if he has a lot of fetishes that are integrated into his sexuality.

But for subs that really do yearn for a heavy service based relationship, and seek a demanding woman who will appreciate and thrive on his need to please and support her, it seems like the vanilla dating pool might have something to offer. The less he is driven by fetish, the easier it would be.

I'm surrounded by a lot of career women who are in their 30s and 40s and are still single. The problem they have with men is that they don't want someone equally busy and consumed with a career. These are highly motivated, attractive women who cannot find relationships. I don't know these ladies well enough to get into the kink aspect of it, but they have commented on my relationship and how it seems like what they would want, but they say, "How do I find a guy like that?"

I am talking about a man who basically lives to take care of my needs -- he waits on me hand and foot, but isn't a pussy. He doesn't have a career, but he takes care of everything to keep my life in order and keep me sexually satisfied and fully centered.

It seems like career-women in their 30s and early 40s would be ideal mates for submissive men. I'm wondering if subs would consider vanilla net avenues like eharmony or some other thing so they could find tune their search to career women who were NOT seeking their corporate equal. So many vanilla men are afraid of being in a relationship with a
"stronger" woman and they are driven purely by *ego*. A submissive would be such a breath of fresh air.

Subs, have you tried this avenue? What was the result? If not, why not?

Akasha

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 10:40:43 AM

popeye1250

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Akasha, career women in their 30's and 40's would be ideal mates for Dominant males as well.

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 11:04:48 AM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Im a submissive woman with career goals that will be fairly easy for me to fulfill. It is a huge generalization that successful women want submissive men. Submissives are often perfectionists and control freaks that long to surrender ourselves to someone else to take some of our responsibilities so we do not feel overwhelmed by them.. Not all of us are like this, but many of us are.

People wear masks in their work-a-day world... that isn't necessarily who they are in the bedroom.

Another thing, I haven't encountered all that many vanilla men that long to wait on women hand and foot.. but then again I may be wrong about that, just haven't seen a great deal of that personally. I may be jaded by the fact I prefer men that I can sense are dominant. Men that aren't afraid to tell me what they want from me.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/16/2006 11:05:29 AM >

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 11:14:07 AM

MsKatHouston

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Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
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I can't have a D/s relationship...one that fulfills all my desires with anyone but a submissive, male or female. However, I have dated vanilla men and Doms. We can have a great relationship and a wonderful time and even take care of some portions of the kink but it won't be a 24/7 D/s relationship like I prefer. This is a tricky thing, though, because feelings can get involved.

If dating a vanilla man, he will know up front that I have other interests and that the marriage and white picket fence with some kink on the side won't happen. With a Dom, I have more luck having an equal type o frelationship with some fun and friendship since we are both coming at it from a similar angle. It is what it is, nothing more or nothing less.

But, my desire is to have a slave or slaves who will fulfill the whole package and I can't get that complete package with anyone but a submissive.

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 11:17:52 AM

cloudboy

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Well, the truth is submissives don't really need "dating advice" for vanilla women. The concept is pretty absurb. It promises to lead to married and cheating or married and disatisfied (on some core level.)

Its also hard to get excited about "as good as it gets."

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 7/16/2006 11:18:23 AM >

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 12:41:18 PM

Lordandmaster

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I think it's pointless for me to date vanilla women. It couldn't ever work, so what would I get out of it? There are enough women who understand my unusual tastes that I don't have to fart around with the millions who don't.

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 1:23:41 PM

truesub4u

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Sometimes when I read post about dating vanilla.. it's almost as if someones talking of doing something against the law. Being submissive or dominant doesn't mean you can't date or have sex with someone who's not submissive or dominant. It's all personal choice. I for one.. can have it.. or not. All because I date someone not dominant, doesn't mean i'm giving up my submissive heart. It just simply means i'm going out with someone who I enjoy their company as they do mine. If it leads to sex.. then it does. Hell start off slow... build the submissive side...and watch some take it and run. Afterwards.. they'll usually want to know more of what the hell just happened.

I dated a non dominant back in early 91. Had no idea he was or could ever be. Today.. he owns 3 live in slaves. And is happy as hell. Recently over the past year and half.. Have been dating a man who not only went dom... but gorean. He's sub/slave free because he's still learning... but it's given a completely new life... for the better as well. Year and half ago.. not a pot to piss in... today.. new position with company.. bought new truck... money in bank.. (ugh) credit cards.... and just got approved for house loan.. he's doing damn lot better.

Be surprised what you run across... dipping into the vanilla dating pool. So don't be so quit to write it off. Nothing wrong with having fun with non like thinkers. Specially if single. Life does not revolved around submission on a 24 hour basis.

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 1:33:31 PM

MysticFireTopaz

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I have had a couple of submissive male friends in their 40's try this approach, as they were getting frustrated with looking for a Domme on Collarme.com and other BDSM sites.

They honestly did not meet with much success. One of them met a vanilla woman he fell really hard for. They had a torrid romance for approximately six months. While an accomplished, assertive, and successful (as well as drop-dead gorgeous, he tells Me) career woman, she was not particularly dominant in her relationships with males. After the glow wore off, he woke up and realized that this woman in no way, shape, or form met his needs and broke off the relationship.

The other one I know of didn't even have that much success. He dated a few, but found it hard to bring up the kink aspect. He did address the subject openly with the first few, who didn't think much of the idea. Then he decided the direct approach scared them off, so he decided to play it cool. He would bring up hints in conversation, leave books about the lifestyle in plain view in his apartment to see if the women commented on them, etc. He told Me none of them took the bait. He chose Women who were assertive, accomplished, and career-oriented, but these were not necessarily indicators of an interest in being Dominant in their relationships. In fact, in reading this description, I can think of several submissive females I know who fit the bill.

I have even dated a few vanilla men myself. While I meet lots of submissive males, I rarely meet any who share My interest (which borders on passion) in metaphysics. Therefore, it is always tempting when I meet a vanilla male who does. In the end, My desire for a D/s relationship always wins out and I don't go forward with the vanilla relationship. It just seems too foreign to Me now.

Maybe this would work for some people, but it hasn't worked well for the people I know who have gone this route.

Lady Topaz

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 6:19:32 PM

jamesthehumanrug

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to ans your first question
am i too kinky to date vanilla...
SURE: i can ACT,I OFTEN DO....
,&,well, if i was desperate i'd date vanilla ,or take someone elses' mistress;if i EVER went vanilla; it was a front ;superficial ,not lasting; boring ;take it or leave it ;a fill-in ,for nothing to do and no where to go, and, probably real torture, to keep it up;even going to dinner would be a giant drag;and i'd ask why am i living in such a postion that i am forced to be STUCK ,with this person!?
WHAT DID I DO TO ATTRACT THIS TO MYSELF?!
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE WITH A PERSON WHO WANTS ME TO BE ;conservative ,or vanilla;and i'd avoid it ;it usually leads to forced marriage in the end;BECAUSE ,they love 'hard to get';and, youre ,so normal;what could be the matter with living together forever?! ,and i'm getting nauseated ,just contemplating my written answer,to that question;
ok?

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 7/16/2006 6:23:54 PM >

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 6:40:53 PM

SusanofO

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I would not be opposed to dating someone who was "vanilla", but eventually the topic of the way I like to be treated in the bedroom and also in general D/s would come up because I'd bring it up. If they were not "willing to explore", and did not like it at all, it would most likely be an issue for me. I am not up for a "second go round" in having my needs going unmet for years on end, even if I am submissive and tend to want to cater to someone else's needs. It makes more sense to me to look for a bdsm oriented partner to begin with.

- Susan

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 7:08:35 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
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Sure, finding a woman like this would be great. Vanilla or otherwise. But finding one has always been practically impossible. I keep hearing about how they're all out there, but finding them and interesting one who truly wants that has always escaped me. Could be my fault. Might not be my fault. Don't know. But I'm obviously doing something wrong.

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 7:28:55 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

Sometimes when I read post about dating vanilla.. it's almost as if someones talking of doing something against the law. Being submissive or dominant doesn't mean you can't date or have sex with someone who's not submissive or dominant. It's all personal choice. I for one.. can have it.. or not. All because I date someone not dominant, doesn't mean i'm giving up my submissive heart. It just simply means i'm going out with someone who I enjoy their company as they do mine. If it leads to sex.. then it does. Hell start off slow... build the submissive side...and watch some take it and run. Afterwards.. they'll usually want to know more of what the hell just happened.

I dated a non dominant back in early 91. Had no idea he was or could ever be. Today.. he owns 3 live in slaves. And is happy as hell. Recently over the past year and half.. Have been dating a man who not only went dom... but gorean. He's sub/slave free because he's still learning... but it's given a completely new life... for the better as well. Year and half ago.. not a pot to piss in... today.. new position with company.. bought new truck... money in bank.. (ugh) credit cards.... and just got approved for house loan.. he's doing damn lot better.

Be surprised what you run across... dipping into the vanilla dating pool. So don't be so quit to write it off. Nothing wrong with having fun with non like thinkers. Specially if single. Life does not revolved around submission on a 24 hour basis.

I have to agree with True here..you never know what you may find in the vanilla pool as well...besides one can date while waiting for the right "one" to come along..life does go on...be well...Tempting

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 7:42:31 PM

sharainks

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I've had some luck finding non vanillas on vanilla sites. However a few months ago a local man and I started mailing and when I told him of my interests he told me I had missed the boat not getting with BTK before he got caught.

Not much of anywhere to go with that attitude.

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RE: Dipping into the vanilla dating pool - 7/16/2006 7:52:41 PM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
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I was lucky enough to meet most of my life partners through vanilla methods. Only in the past couple of years, have I have had problems in dating vanilla men. When I confided my interests, they either pretended to be into it just to have "kinky sex" or in a very few cases, the guys got scared off saying that they were not into being dominant and if I needed that type of thing, they could not provide it. They also became judgemental, which really pisses me off.

I still maintain it is best to target your search towards those into this and hope to meet someone for a balanced relationship.

If I happen to meet someone vanilla who expresses a desire for this, great. If not, I will continue to look for the right one or be alone.

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