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RE: Tactful response? - 7/19/2015 4:08:48 AM   
RogueCell


Posts: 44
Joined: 1/2/2015
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes


I don't mind the insults, really, because it reinforces my choice. This is not the one for me.

I am a firm believer in basing my actions on what I believe is right, not on what I expect other people's behavior to be as a result.


^^THIS. A million times.

(in reply to NookieNotes)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Tactful response? - 8/8/2015 9:30:34 PM   
MrNiklas


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/20/2015
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Well, you should just have to know and to speak with the someone before you meet.
- Do you want to meet a stranger?
If not, ask and let to know your man and Master.

Phone-talk is underestimated.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Tactful response? - 8/9/2015 12:22:34 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PassionsTorment

Hello, I recently (twice) faced a dilemma that I would like to be able to navigate in the future. Both times, I was talking to someone who didn't have a picture on his profile, and had great conversations. However, when the time came to exchange pictures, I could not for the life of me summon any attraction for either man. The first time I was honest about it, told him he seemed to be a geat person, but I just wasn't attracted to him. This resulted in a barrage of insults. The second time, I was at a loss as to how to handle it, so I continued talking to him until he made it clear he was into me...then I awkwardly fumbled about until I came up with a nicer way of saying it wouldn't work, without mentioning his looks. This also resulted in a fair bit of disrespect.

I guess my question is, how do I avoid this situation in the future? And if it does arise, and he DOES indeed look like he should be hiding under a bridge and eating small children...how do I deal with it without seeming like an ass?



As ugly as I am, I've been rejected by my fair share of ladies on this site.

My reaction almost always depends upon their behavior. I firmly believe that honesty is always best, but there's a little something that I remind myself of, frequently. Honestly, I'm not sure if I coined the phrase or if it was told to me so, I will take credit until someone comes along and sues me:

"Honesty that's not tempered with compassion is brutality."

I've had ladies be very honest with me in their rejection and it has never been an issue. I've had ladies be dishonesty in an effort to "spare my feelings" and, when I learned of their dishonesty, I cut them out of my life like a tumor.

Pretty simple. I would like to emphasize something:

quote:

ORIGINAL: PassionsTorment

... And if it does arise, and he DOES indeed look like he should be hiding under a bridge and eating small children...how do I deal with it without seeming like an ass?



I think - based upon what you typed, above - that ship may already have sailed.

If you had sent this to me (I'm not saying you sent it to anyone), you would have received a fairly insulting response from me, also.

Kharma's a bitch. Then, she has puppies.



Michael




_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to PassionsTorment)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Tactful response? - 8/9/2015 3:10:29 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PassionsTorment

Hello, I recently (twice) faced a dilemma that I would like to be able to navigate in the future. Both times, I was talking to someone who didn't have a picture on his profile, and had great conversations. However, when the time came to exchange pictures, I could not for the life of me summon any attraction for either man. The first time I was honest about it, told him he seemed to be a geat person, but I just wasn't attracted to him. This resulted in a barrage of insults. The second time, I was at a loss as to how to handle it, so I continued talking to him until he made it clear he was into me...then I awkwardly fumbled about until I came up with a nicer way of saying it wouldn't work, without mentioning his looks. This also resulted in a fair bit of disrespect.

I guess my question is, how do I avoid this situation in the future? And if it does arise, and he DOES indeed look like he should be hiding under a bridge and eating small children...how do I deal with it without seeming like an ass?



You didn't seem 'like an ass'. You told it how you saw it and that's fair enough to any reasonable person.

I think the issue lies in adjusting your response to people who insult you:

Firstly, when you get such a mail, don't open up/read anymore from that person.

Secondly, don't take on board someone else's problem. You can't help not being attracted to him!

Then again, I suppose you could ask for pictures/photos up front? or very early in the conversation? and respond with a polite 'no thanks' when not to your liking?

Edited to add: this could be a very good way of sifting through the lunatics. Whether or not you're attracted to them, reply with a 'no thanks'. If you get a reply full of insults from someone you're attracted to then you know he's bordering on the wrong side of sanity. If you get a reply saying: "no bother, enjoy!" then you know that it's a fairly reasonable person you're dealing with. Then you can reply back and explain you do find them attractive but wanted to test the water based on past experience!



< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 8/9/2015 3:13:49 AM >


_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to PassionsTorment)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Tactful response? - 8/17/2015 1:09:52 PM   
WickedestDesires


Posts: 70
Joined: 8/7/2015
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Your picture is stolen therefore your words utterly irrelevant to me and begger my minds, and its ability to process coherent matter, nae thought, and behold a muffin.

You reference troll – if you have no pictures do you believe that I would ever talk to you crayon you words and that has nothing to do with looks re me it has to do with utter reality not excitable utterances.

I think those guys escaped – why? well you offered nothing at all save pathetic judgement minus 100% o0f the facts, but were resolute in yer abhorrent opinion dangerous one.

Mirror mirror on the wall

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Tactful response? - 8/18/2015 1:31:09 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PassionsTorment

Hello, I recently (twice) faced a dilemma that I would like to be able to navigate in the future. Both times, I was talking to someone who didn't have a picture on his profile, and had great conversations. However, when the time came to exchange pictures, I could not for the life of me summon any attraction for either man. The first time I was honest about it, told him he seemed to be a geat person, but I just wasn't attracted to him. This resulted in a barrage of insults. The second time, I was at a loss as to how to handle it, so I continued talking to him until he made it clear he was into me...then I awkwardly fumbled about until I came up with a nicer way of saying it wouldn't work, without mentioning his looks. This also resulted in a fair bit of disrespect.

I guess my question is, how do I avoid this situation in the future? And if it does arise, and he DOES indeed look like he should be hiding under a bridge and eating small children...how do I deal with it without seeming like an ass?

Tell em the truth. Be kind. But be self honest.
You are responsible for how you act.
They are responsible for how they react.
Don't make their shit your shit.

Grins-besides, look at this as a good thing. If they are asshats when rejected, then think of all the time, hope and effort you saved by seeing their true colors now

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to PassionsTorment)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Tactful response? - 8/25/2015 4:43:38 PM   
Michael34786aa


Posts: 15
Joined: 7/5/2015
Status: offline
Huh, I don't understand the woman who don't post there pictures, what is there point in hiding it, beside if you were a corporate CEO. My picture is out there in plain site for everybody to see, and I'm not hiding nothing. I wonder would this post be different if the guy rejected the woman for her looks. Would we be looking at a "it what counts on the inside, and not the outside" post.

But to get back to the point, in everyday life, you can't hide you face. If I guy likes you, he'll walk up to you, and start some small chat, and work his way to "hey I like you, let's get some coffee". Just because you have the option to hide your face, you shouldn't unless, your just here for the chat or the boards, and of course your going to let the people know that.

And I'll be completely honest, and upfront. If a woman doesn't have a picture posted, I don't approach her, unless I read, I would post my picture, but I can't because: bla, bla, bla. You biggest selling point to get noticed, is your smile, then the guy is going to read your profile. Granted your going to get some jerks, but guess what, I get them too. WE all have to wade thru the sea of jerks, in order to find that special somebody. But don't hide, that special somebody, might not be able to find you.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Tactful response? - 8/25/2015 5:01:28 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Michael34786aa

Huh, I don't understand the woman who don't post there pictures, what is there point in hiding it, beside if you were a corporate CEO.


Or anyone who has a realistic awareness of the repercussions of being outed in their community.

(in reply to Michael34786aa)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Tactful response? - 8/25/2015 5:28:56 PM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wayward5oul
quote:

ORIGINAL: Michael34786aa

Huh, I don't understand the woman who don't post there pictures, what is there point in hiding it, beside if you were a corporate CEO.

Or anyone who has a realistic awareness of the repercussions of being outed in their community.

Pss-st, Wayward, I had to take a look at whether it was an 18-year-old who wrote that post. Nope, not 99 as listed, but a guy who appears to have had a good deal of life experience under his belt.
And then it occurred to me that a young adult, who isn't acting out recklessly as though she/he has nothing to lose and could care less about family considerations, has a helluva lot more sense than that.

Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael.
I won't speak for EveryWoman, just for myself. I have pics up of myself all over vanilla sites. Do I really want Joe Schmo doing a Google image search on me linking my profile here with my more public ones?
Many of us have kids and other family members, and outwardly live very vanilla lives. Do we really want Tommy telling our kid(s) that he saw a photo of her/his mother on a kink site???
Again, speaking for myself.

Also, I'm personally not interested in cyber trolls who peruse profiles for what's contained in pic galleries and have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to actually reading through a profile.

To tell you the truth, I am often relieved that many of the men contacting me do NOT provide a picture of their Quasimodo-looking selves right off the bat.
(Although, I'll admit it helps me move along my elimination rounds much faster. . . .)
I spend far too much time cringing, and it's giving me wrinkles.
(Damn pop-up matches on those other sites!)

DreamLady

(in reply to Wayward5oul)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Tactful response? - 8/25/2015 6:47:13 PM   
Michael34786aa


Posts: 15
Joined: 7/5/2015
Status: offline
Well, you can post one of a kind pictures, just taken and keep them posted here, and no were else and not post them on your facebook account, so when you do a search they don't come up. Just a thought
As for your family and friends finding out, life is too short to worry what other people think about you. If my brother was to walk up to me and say, hey I saw your picture on collar space, my answer would be. AND. I don't let other people control my life or my search for happiness.
Also for the problem of Tommy surfing the kink site, well she does kind of look like me, by the way Tommy, why were you on the site for? Does your Mother know.

To Waywardsoul, that sucks that your community is that judgmental, the homosexuals must have a blast in your town.

(in reply to dreamlady)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Tactful response? - 8/25/2015 7:02:17 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady


quote:

ORIGINAL: Wayward5oul
quote:

ORIGINAL: Michael34786aa

Huh, I don't understand the woman who don't post there pictures, what is there point in hiding it, beside if you were a corporate CEO.

Or anyone who has a realistic awareness of the repercussions of being outed in their community.

Pss-st, Wayward, I had to take a look at whether it was an 18-year-old who wrote that post. Nope, not 99 as listed, but a guy who appears to have had a good deal of life experience under his belt.
And then it occurred to me that a young adult, who isn't acting out recklessly as though she/he has nothing to lose and could care less about family considerations, has a helluva lot more sense than that.
.DreamLady



See, I was so convinced that it was an 18 year old that I didn't even bother to go look at the profile. Not that I think it would be truthful anyway. Anyone who is so oblivious to the realities of the real world have not spent much time in it.

(in reply to dreamlady)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Tactful response? - 8/25/2015 7:04:19 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Michael34786aa
To Waywardsoul, that sucks that your community is that judgmental, the homosexuals must have a blast in your town.

Maybe you need to get out into your community more.

(in reply to Michael34786aa)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Tactful response? - 8/25/2015 7:17:11 PM   
Michael34786aa


Posts: 15
Joined: 7/5/2015
Status: offline
Wow, maybe your community isn't judgmental, maybe it's you.
Here you are trying to belittle me, and please do everybody a favor, keep your poison kool-aid to yourself.

(in reply to Wayward5oul)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Tactful response? - 8/26/2015 6:55:15 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Michael34786aa

Wow, maybe your community isn't judgmental, maybe it's you.
Here you are trying to belittle me, and please do everybody a favor, keep your poison kool-aid to yourself.


Actually my community is very diverse and tolerant, as far as my region of the US goes. But regardless of the attitudes of communities, being associated with this lifestyle can be considered dangerous, in terms of reputation, jobs, community standing, family, or any other number of things. From housewives to the mailman to the president of the local PTSO. If that were not the case, then people wouldn't be concerned about protecting their identity in the manner that you see on this site, alt.com, Fet, etc. There wouldn't be so many regulations in place regarding vetting individuals and and memberships in bdsm clubs, organizations, and play spaces.

Its called reality. It doesn't apply to everyone. I have friends who are at points in their lives where they no longer feel threatened by outing, and/or are comfortable enough that they publicly acknowledge their involvement. But the majority of people understand that there are risks by association. So they don't use pics.

I will agree that since the of 50SoG, people are not quite as judgmental of the lifestyle, but not enough to make your average kinkster comfortable enough to out themselves.

(in reply to Michael34786aa)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Tactful response? - 8/27/2015 6:50:03 PM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Michael34786aa

Well, you can post one of a kind pictures, just taken and keep them posted here, and no were else and not post them on your facebook account, so when you do a search they don't come up. Just a thought
As for your family and friends finding out, life is too short to worry what other people think about you. If my brother was to walk up to me and say, hey I saw your picture on collar space, my answer would be. AND. I don't let other people control my life or my search for happiness.
Also for the problem of Tommy surfing the kink site, well she does kind of look like me, by the way Tommy, why were you on the site for? Does your Mother know.


Sure, I can post all the one-of-a-kind pictures that I like, but I have very distinctive features and am easily recognizable. I live in a rather small town.

Many of you men have absolutely no clue what it's like for a woman to have to ward off unwanted attention. The fact that many of the clueless (aka horny net geeks) assume that every woman on any kind of a sex-related/kink site is fast, loose & easy. Instant sexual objectification.
Then there are always obsessive personalities who harbor delusions of being God's gift to women, who take every rejection personally and/or who can't take no for an answer.

Do we really want a man who chooses to contact women just based on their looks? Yes, I have minimum standards, but I don't interact on line with men based strictly on how physically attractive they might appear.
Charm, intelligence, kindness, courtesy, and a sense of humor are far more impressive. These qualities can override a few parameters that would ordinarily be beyond my ranges of consideration. It depends, of course.

I have seen pop-up messages that I'm being viewed by so-and-so and 15-30 seconds later there is a notification of a message. He could be the fastest speed reader around, but I highly doubt trolling dude bothered to read through my profile.

Why I'm taking the time to explain this to a man who's older than I am, who acts as if he's entitled to have any given woman's photos splashed all over the place, is rather bizarre. I mention age because I feel as though you might be in your retirement phase, have few to little family ties or obligations anymore that you care to be bothered with, and essentially no longer have anything to lose. This puts you out on the fringe of society to one extent or another.

Besides, how do you even know the pics you're viewing are for real? How does anyone know you have posted a current picture of yourself? Nobody knows whether they are who they say they are until one starts interacting on a more meaningful level than the personae we project to others. This takes a certain amount of investment in time and effort.
That's why exchanging messages are important, the info gathering process, noting discrepancies and taking note of potential red flags, as well as utilizing other screening devices, are of tantamount importance.

People stumble onto sites inadvertently, click onto links unintentionally. There's a big difference between wandering onto a site, surfing sites, and maintaining a profile as a registered user on a particular site.
You may not be as private a person, but I am. I guard my privacy. Need to Know Basis.
That doesn't mean I'm not an open person. . . just not an open gate bereft of a vigilent gatekeeper.

DreamLady

(in reply to Michael34786aa)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Tactful response? - 8/27/2015 7:03:02 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady
That doesn't mean I'm not an open person. . . just not an open gate bereft of a vigilent gatekeeper.


So much THIS.

(in reply to dreamlady)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Tactful response? - 8/28/2015 7:15:34 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes


I don't mind the insults, really, because it reinforces my choice. This is not the one for me.




Haha... I like that! When the insults come because she isn't attracted to him, she should just reply "Well... now I don't like your personality either!"

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to NookieNotes)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Tactful response? - 9/7/2015 7:24:33 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

life is too short to worry what other people think about you.

Nothing personal but this is simply a painfully naive statement.

It's almost childish in its idealism. Sure, in an ideal world this is true. But in reality not so much.

Especially in this era of internet mob mentality and rushing to judgment combined with rising corporate sensitivity to actions/employees/things that embarrass the company

Example-A Nassau County DA is seeking a divorce. From the filings it sounds as if he may be kinky.
Per the story in the NY Post his actions were "“predatory and extreme depraved antisocial sexual conduct so egregious it shows a blatant disregard for the marital relationship that it shocks the conscience,”
His oh so terrible kink?
He's labeled in the article as "a twisted fetishist who wore a chastity belt to work and diapers and a horse tail during sexual foreplay"

Wonder what his career prospects are looking like post headline?

But hey, life is short, why worry what others may think, right?

Being outed sucks. It destroys peoples lives and families (Just ask the Ashley Madison divorce lawyers). It can have major financial and emotional consequences.

Failure to understand that is flat out silly.

Here's a counter thought.
Maybe respect the fact that people often have reasons behind their actions.
Now those reasons may not make sense to me, but that's quite irrelevant. The only that that matters is that their approach make sense to them and that they have reasons for doing so...and they don't have any need to share that with me unless they choose to. That's their personal business up to the moment she surrenders to me.


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Bhruic)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Tactful response? - 9/7/2015 7:39:56 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic


quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes


I don't mind the insults, really, because it reinforces my choice. This is not the one for me.




Haha... I like that! When the insults come because she isn't attracted to him, she should just reply "Well... now I don't like your personality either!"


No she can't. These guys always block you.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Bhruic)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Tactful response? - 9/15/2015 6:10:07 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
Personally, I am very direct and blunt, if physical appearances was a big issue for me, I would just ask for a picture upfront before getting to know him further.

And I would literally say, "Physical appearance is important to me, so before we continue, could we exchange pictures to see if we like each other, before we carry on getting to know each other?"

That's how I would have handled it. Otherwise, just block the dude, seriously, the easiest solution.


(in reply to PassionsTorment)
Profile   Post #: 40
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