Collarchat.com

Join Our Community
Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/20/2015 8:23:47 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And if they disapproved of everything about you? If they sought someone they could totally change?



Yeah pretty much. I seek men who look to improve every part of me. Not just bits and pieces.
That doesn't mean they disapprove of everything about me to start with though. Men who disapprove of everything about me don't tend to pursue me.

But ever successful relationship I've ever been in has changed me totally.

Your millage may vary.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/21/2015 7:24:29 AM   
DannyIsNotWelcom


Posts: 177
Joined: 8/7/2015
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kayleigh133

Funny. I've heard that more then you can imagine.
"OBEY"
I feel it would be so much easier with an exact checklist rather then a blanket statement


Kind of stating the obvious, sure, if your master tells you to do something and you say: "Hm, no I don't feel like it" that's not really submitting, is it.
Then again, especially in the beginning, doing as you're told is easier said than done.

This is how I do it: I observe. I consider knowing what my master wants a science and try to learn it. I don't make wild guesses.
If in doubt, I ask for clarification, if not I don't ask. I don't know your master but mine has punished me both for second-guessing him (with the best intentions) and for getting the same answer to the same question once too often.

(in reply to Kayleigh133)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/21/2015 8:40:43 AM   
DannyIsNotWelcom


Posts: 177
Joined: 8/7/2015
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

When they tell you to be good they expect you to crawl back over and say "um sir I made a mess *pout*" or "but look how wet I am please play with me" so that they can have an excuse to be mad at you.


For me, to deliberately do something that my master just couldn't let pass in order to force him to punish me would be tantamount to punching him in the face.
I asked him once what would happen to me if I pulled one like that. He sad: "I don't think you'll ever find out. Be grateful for that."


(in reply to DerangedUnit)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/21/2015 11:13:54 AM   
Kayleigh133


Posts: 19
Joined: 8/11/2015
Status: offline
The truth is I am by nature someone who resist and has a fight in me.
I struggle with handing over submission and tend to want it to be taken.
He does not like this.
I want to please him but have a hard time controlling myself.
Because I enjoy physical punishments, he has now begun physiological punishments.
Distance and coldness towards me.
Making me ask permission to be close to him.
I hate it.
Despise it.
I aspire to obey
I want to communicate.
It apparently is s struggle for me. I fight my submissive nature and I have no idea why:(

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/21/2015 12:28:27 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline
You say you have a resistant nature, then say you're fighting you submissive nature. Which is it?

It could be that you two are incompatible.
It could also be that you need to stop fighting and make him happy.
We can't answer this for you, because there's no playbook for relationships whether D/s or not.
The answer isn't that you need "easier" rules to follow, you need to figure out if the rules given are what you want to follow, or not.

_____________________________

~Roxie

(in reply to Kayleigh133)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/21/2015 12:42:47 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kayleigh133

The truth is I am by nature someone who resist and has a fight in me.
I struggle with handing over submission and tend to want it to be taken.
He does not like this.



There are other men who do like this. Not all want submission to be handed over to them on a silver platter.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kayleigh133

I want to please him but have a hard time controlling myself.
Because I enjoy physical punishments, he has now begun physiological punishments.



Punishments don't tend to work if the subject enjoys them. If they're enjoyed, they're not punishments.

The question is: do you want to be punished?
It seems like you enjoy physically submitting to play. There's no need for that to be a punishment. There are thousands of couples out there who do not have a punishment dynamic AT ALL. Where the submissive doesn't get punished at all, and the harsher she can expect when she displeases is being told by him that he's disappointed.
However, these couples still engage in play, in which the submissive is physical whipped, beaten, whatever. They do so because it's a mutually fulfilling, exciting, intimate, sexual experience. Not because she was 'bad' and 'earned' a 'punishment' even though they might role play that if it enhances the experience for them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kayleigh133

I hate it.
Despise it.
I aspire to obey
I want to communicate.
It apparently is s struggle for me. I fight my submissive nature and I have no idea why:(


It sounds to me that you're not fighting your submissive nature, but rather the fact that what he desires of you is incompatible with the way in which you are submissive.
Those are two entirely different things.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Kayleigh133)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/21/2015 1:53:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
Some people need force play, they need to know they can and will be forced to obey.
And there's nothing wrong with that.

What's wrong is not having discussed that. Because maybe if half the time he did this, that would be enough to satisfy you. Or even just 20% of the time.

With that said, it's certainly fair for him to not want to have to chase you around the house with a crop every time he wants his coffee refilled. So talk to him. Explain that you need this. Ask if he's willing to do it for you sometimes. And ask him to explain when is a good time and when isn't. See if you can both get your needs met.

If not, I don't see this being a joyful relationship.

As far as distancing himself and waiting for you to beg for closeness goes. Are you waiting longer and longer between begging for attention? If so, he'll find one day you've just moved on totally.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 12:29:54 AM   
DannyIsNotWelcom


Posts: 177
Joined: 8/7/2015
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kayleigh133

The truth is I am by nature someone who resist and has a fight in me.
I struggle with handing over submission and tend to want it to be taken.
He does not like this.
I want to please him but have a hard time controlling myself.
Because I enjoy physical punishments, he has now begun physiological punishments.
Distance and coldness towards me.
Making me ask permission to be close to him.
I hate it.
Despise it.
I aspire to obey
I want to communicate.
It apparently is s struggle for me. I fight my submissive nature and I have no idea why:(


Sorry but that doesn't sound good to me.

If your master really cares for you he will appreciate the effort you are making to please him and he will help you improve your behavior towards him.
That specifically includes punishment. You say you enjoy the physical kind so your master resorts to the cold shoulder treatment.
For me that's the difference between bow and arrow and nuclear rockets.
My master knows me well enough so that he can beat me in a way that I am guaranteed not to enjoy, hard enough so that I'd rather not have it but not so hard that the thought of it makes me nervous (well a little bit, but that's how it's supposed to be.)
If your dominant doesn't want to work with you to get to that point I'm at a loss to see what he wants with you in the first place.

My master specifically likes to put me in a situation where he can see me struggle, not least with myself - yours may be different.

I don't want to discourage you, but in my opinion even the most dominant of dominants has to give the most slavish of slaves a helping hand now and then, that's just nature.

(in reply to Kayleigh133)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 1:35:06 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

Not all want submission to be handed over to them on a silver platter.



This is right as the price of silver is pretty down. Now you get a 24 carrot gold platter and you might then be talking woman.

Like someone else says....just sayin....

Frank Ar.


_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 2:36:33 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Make sure the dom you're with is one who genuinely likes you as is. That way he's going to be pleased by you being your authentic self.


I'll go with this answer.

I don't want a submissive who needs to be changed or made better. The submissive who enters my world is a fully grown adult with positive thoughts and has made a life choice to choose a D/s type of relationship. Its a person I can relate to on most levels. What attracts them to me is the thing I want to cherish and keep. I am not a shape changer and I sure as hell can't change someone's personality.

I have come across a good few subs who want to be changed through strict regulation and protocol. Personally I'm not into that sort of stuff but each to their own. If I can't entice submission in the most subtle of ways, then they aren't for me...I refuse to be a sergeant major or mother figure to someone else's needs.





_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 2:48:47 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And if they disapproved of everything about you? If they sought someone they could totally change?



Yeah pretty much. I seek men who look to improve every part of me. Not just bits and pieces.
That doesn't mean they disapprove of everything about me to start with though. Men who disapprove of everything about me don't tend to pursue me.

But ever successful relationship I've ever been in has changed me totally.

Your millage may vary.


Changed you in what way?




_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 5:52:14 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

Yeah pretty much. I seek men who look to improve every part of me. Not just bits and pieces.
That doesn't mean they disapprove of everything about me to start with though. Men who disapprove of everything about me don't tend to pursue me.

But ever successful relationship I've ever been in has changed me totally.

Your millage may vary.



I agree with everything here.

He wouldn't be with me if he didn't find me appealing, but I think my potential is just as appealing to him as anything else. I also think growth, of both partners, is the crux of a good relationship; to continually be able to discover each other. And since I defer to him, my own growth is in the direction he chooses, or one that at least meets with his approval. I know that some people say their dominant partner should accept them as they are. I would grow quickly bored with that.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 7:07:21 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
Steve has bettered my sense of self worth, he's hugely improved my own body image and he's changed my priorities on importance. When he discovered just how ill he is he put his head in a hole like an ostrich and went into complete denial. Through gentle and sometimes firm encouragement from me, he's making some positive life changes and I'm there to remind him when he slips up or tries to make excuses. Its been a two way street.

Anyone in a relationship with solid foundations will admit to their partner bettering them in some way or other and yes, we can incorporate this into a D/s dynamic. What I'm curious about is, how do we change someone through order and insure those changes are permanent, or am I completely not getting this? I can order my sub to have the dinner out of the oven dead on 6pm. I could instil in them to never answer back in an aggressive way but to take a moment to think about their response to me (actually Steve taught me that one and he's not my dominant!) and I could insist on a whole array of rules and protocols that were crucial for our relationship to survive. The trouble with these things are, they are seldom life changing, unless of course you remain in that relationship for ever. My question is, when a relationship comes to an end, do all those things change for the next dominant ?

_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 7:20:57 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And if they disapproved of everything about you? If they sought someone they could totally change?



Yeah pretty much. I seek men who look to improve every part of me. Not just bits and pieces.
That doesn't mean they disapprove of everything about me to start with though. Men who disapprove of everything about me don't tend to pursue me.

But ever successful relationship I've ever been in has changed me totally.

Your millage may vary.


Changed you in what way?






I am more patient, less self-absorbed, more thoughtful, less naive, more judgmental, less tolerant of excuses, better at controlling my temper, more likely to think before I speak and have different ethics... among other things.



< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 8/22/2015 7:30:08 AM >


_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 7:40:43 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

What I'm curious about is, how do we change someone through order and insure those changes are permanent, or am I completely not getting this?



The way it's been done with me is by expecting me to behave as if I already had the qualities they seek to improve. He doesn't tolerate the negative version of the behavior in his life, and as such would prohibit me to display that, forcing me to seek out another way to cope.

For instance, on the patience thing: I was expected to display patience whether I felt it or not. Any indication of impatience was immediately dealt with, in a way he deemed appropriate. This could range from a stern reminder, to a talk explaining me what he wanted, to a line of questions analyzing what was going on inside my head, to removal from his presents when I failed to control it.
In the beginning the tolerance for failure was higher, and it dropped steadily with expectations increasing as I progressed.

In the end it caused the 'fake it till you make it' behavior that enacted the virtue of more patience to become such a practiced routine that it became real. The acting out of the behavior became a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It's a technique (fake it till you make it) that people use for self-improvement too, and it's proven to work for that sort of thing, psychiatrist recommend it to patients and such as well. The only difference here was that he set the standard for what I should fake, and to what degree, because he wouldn't tolerate behavior below a certain standard around him.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

The trouble with these things are, they are seldom life changing



These things are, because they are core values. The degree to which they stick after the relationship ends depends on how important I think they are and how far he got with instilling the change.
Stuff I disagree with or find unnecessary fades out fast, but the 'ghost' always lingers. Stuff he got super far with or I deem important as well has lasting effects on my personality carrying over decades later.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
My question is, when a relationship comes to an end, do all those things change for the next dominant?


Not really, because most of these fall into a general category which all men I am attracted to tend to appreciate. They all seem to end up enforcing and discouraging the same type of set of behaviors, though there are some small differences here and there.

_________

You didn't ask this, but I'm going to answer you anyways, because you would have if you had thought about it:

I'm not entirely convinced that when the men do this, this is always done consciously and entirely on purpose. I do know that sometimes they choose to actively work on something, but for the most part it's a process that's natural and subconscious for them it seems.
I go for men who go for self-improvement. As part of the value they place on self-improvement, they also seek to improve those subordinate to them. Because they see those subordinate to them as their charge to lead, they hold themselves the right to choose which improvements they would like to see in her.

As such you end up in a situation where they naturally enforce the things they want to see in her, and discourage the things they disapprove of. Everybody does this to everybody to some extend, but with them, because they're in charge, it weighs heavier and the expectations tend to be higher, so the change is bigger.

That's not to say that they never have a well thought out plan or a set course of action they're following or anything. They do, and I'm aware of at least one specific instance where the change was made in a very planned and thought out way. It's more a matter that this type of behavior seems to be the natural consequence of the type of men I like and the relationship dynamic which has them in charge, whether they're actively making plans around it or not.




< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 8/22/2015 7:50:00 AM >


_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 7:43:27 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I agree with everything here.



From you that doesn't surprise me in the least.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 8:11:29 AM   
Kayleigh133


Posts: 19
Joined: 8/11/2015
Status: offline
I would guess it's like everyone's relationship. Something's will carry over to the next relationship.
It's a funny dynamic. Being owned by someone. Feeling that protection and that bind us unlike anything I've felt.
I think because I'm in the "training stage" it comes with ups and downs.
Kinda like school. Some subjects you like some you hate.
I'm so use to having everything my way.
He is constantly reminding me "it's not about me"
Harsh words for me to hear
Yesterday i was very good.
Stayed in touch all day. Wore clothes he would like. Sent picture to verify my outfit
I had expected a good girl. Some type of acknowledgment. But he didn't.
All punishment and no reward.
Is it so wrong to want both??

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 8:45:53 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kayleigh133

I had expected a good girl. Some type of acknowledgment. But he didn't.
All punishment and no reward.
Is it so wrong to want both??


No. It's normal.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Kayleigh133)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 12:40:05 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
UllrsIshtar, thanks for explaining your dynamic so beautifully. I totally get where you are coming from, especially regarding life tools such as self control and patience. Things like, learning to divert negative thoughts or learning to recognise our own 'unconscious' incompetences are very positive life lessons.

I had a bit of a chuckle when I thought about the first morning Steve and me woke up in the same bed. He had to get up earlier than me and ready himself for work and me being the diva that I was, became annoyed at the amount of noise he was making whilst he got ready. At some point I sat up on my elbows, looked at him and uttered a loud 'SHUSH'. This is the sort of thing I had done all my adult life. I had zero tolerance for anything I thought was inconsiderate and up until that moment I'd got away with it. Steve turned the light on before sitting on the side of the bed and saying, "how dare you. Do you realise how disrespectful that was? I think you need to sit up now because we need to talk about this". Nobody had ever spoken to me like this before...so calm but with such authority. Whilst I can't say I felt submissive, I totally accepted that it was me who was being intolerant and me who was behaving like Eeyore under a rain cloud. I'm happy to say that I've never shushed him since because to do so would be disrespectful.

Steve and me are both on the other side of the kneel and we both have fairly high expectations with a submissive regarding things like thoughtfulness, punctuality and the like, but to be able to call those expectations reasonable, we need to be able to follow the same rules.

_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? - 8/22/2015 1:06:05 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

Steve and me are both on the other side of the kneel and we both have fairly high expectations with a submissive regarding things like thoughtfulness, punctuality and the like, but to be able to call those expectations reasonable, we need to be able to follow the same rules.


I'm on both sides of the kneel, and I find that I change too, from my interaction with submissives, but not as much as from my interaction with dominant men, and in a less direct way, without them driving the changes. With submissives, it's more a matter of me picking up on things I need to change myself due to the interaction, and then taking appropriate action myself.

But I think that comes down to the metric I have to test every single person I engage in a relationship with, regardless of their D/s status: do I become a better person by having this person in my life.
People who fail that test get cut out of my life fast.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Basic Guidilines for a sub to please her Dom? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

2.717