What I'm curious about is, how do we change someone through order and insure those changes are permanent, or am I completely not getting this?
The way it's been done with me is by expecting me to behave as if I already had the qualities they seek to improve. He doesn't tolerate the negative version of the behavior in his life, and as such would prohibit me to display that, forcing me to seek out another way to cope.
For instance, on the patience thing: I was expected to display patience whether I felt it or not. Any indication of impatience was immediately dealt with, in a way he deemed appropriate. This could range from a stern reminder, to a talk explaining me what he wanted, to a line of questions analyzing what was going on inside my head, to removal from his presents when I failed to control it.
In the beginning the tolerance for failure was higher, and it dropped steadily with expectations increasing as I progressed.
In the end it caused the 'fake it till you make it' behavior that enacted the virtue of more patience to become such a practiced routine that it became real. The acting out of the behavior became a self-fulfilling prophesy.
It's a technique (fake it till you make it) that people use for self-improvement too, and it's proven to work for that sort of thing, psychiatrist recommend it to patients and such as well. The only difference here was that he set the standard for what I should fake, and to what degree, because he wouldn't tolerate behavior below a certain standard around him.
The trouble with these things are, they are seldom life changing
These things are, because they are core values. The degree to which they stick after the relationship ends depends on how important I think they are and how far he got with instilling the change.
Stuff I disagree with or find unnecessary fades out fast, but the 'ghost' always lingers. Stuff he got super far with or I deem important as well has lasting effects on my personality carrying over decades later.
My question is, when a relationship comes to an end, do all those things change for the next dominant?
Not really, because most of these fall into a general category which all men I am attracted to tend to appreciate. They all seem to end up enforcing and discouraging the same type of set of behaviors, though there are some small differences here and there.
You didn't ask this, but I'm going to answer you anyways, because you would have if you had thought about it:
I'm not entirely convinced that when the men do this, this is always done consciously and entirely on purpose. I do know that sometimes they choose to actively work on something, but for the most part it's a process that's natural and subconscious for them it seems.
I go for men who go for self-improvement. As part of the value they place on self-improvement, they also seek to improve those subordinate to them. Because they see those subordinate to them as their charge to lead, they hold themselves the right to choose which improvements they would like to see in her.
As such you end up in a situation where they naturally enforce the things they want to see in her, and discourage the things they disapprove of. Everybody does this to everybody to some extend, but with them, because they're in charge, it weighs heavier and the expectations tend to be higher, so the change is bigger.
That's not to say that they never have a well thought out plan or a set course of action they're following or anything. They do, and I'm aware of at least one specific instance where the change was made in a very planned and thought out way. It's more a matter that this type of behavior seems to be the natural consequence of the type of men I like and the relationship dynamic which has them in charge, whether they're actively making plans around it or not.
< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 8/22/2015 7:50:00 AM >
I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for