Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (Full Version)

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Aislinne -> Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/18/2015 8:05:10 PM)

So I have been talking with a Dom, and I have a question in regards to his past experience, is it okay to ask for references? How do I inquire about experience level without offending him



peppermint -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/18/2015 8:38:36 PM)

Online references can be easily faked. He could easily set up email addresses for the "references" and be answering your questions himself. The only way to be fairly sure about someone is to meet him face to face in a group that knows him well.

You are in Tempe. There are several munches that meet in your area. There is APEX in Phoenix. There is an East Valley group that meets at a different restaurant each month to enjoy various ethnic cuisines. Those are the places where you meet real people who do all this for real. I was about your age when I got interested in all this. One thing I learned is that it's easy to say the right words online or on the phone. It's completely different real time.

I suggest you go to fetlife and join some of the groups that are in the Phoenix area. They will list the local munches. In fact, The Gathering meets in Tempe on Thursday evenings at a coffee shop. I've been there a couple times. Munches are a great no pressure way of meeting people. In fact if you agree to meet this Dom of yours I'd suggest you meet at a munch where you'll be safer.

Until you have agreed to be his, he is just a guy online you are chatting with. You have the right to ask anything about him that you feel you need to know. You are not HIS submissive and are under no obligation to obey anything he tells you to do. In other words, trust your instincts and use your common sense. Although there are many really good people online there are also predators and fakes.

We're snowbirds and will be down your way in Nov. We have a place in Mesa. Gary broke his hip so we'll be staying here in Montana until he's healed and stronger.



Aislinne -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/18/2015 10:02:12 PM)

I am on fetlife already, and belong to a lot of the groups.. Thank,you for the response



NookieNotes -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 4:48:13 AM)

Here's what I suggest to those I speak with:

1. Ask me lots of questions.
2. Get images with dates and times and a specific phrase on a piece of paper.
3. Use my FetLife account to verify me—I am active locally, and every day I interact with friends online who actually know me in real life. You can track up to 8 years of posts, photos and interactions.
4. Get out locally. If you have not, this is not just to vet me, but also to compare me against other dominants you might also want to meet and get to know.

I suggest looking for as many different ways to vet a person as possible, and looking for someone who is happy to be vetted. *smiles*



DarkSteven -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 5:26:34 AM)

I feel odd answering this question from someone with twenty years of experience, but

1. If he's in any way prominent, locals will already know of him.

2. If he's unwilling to answer the question of how long he's been in the lifestyle, he'll never be questioned about anything,

3. The reference thing is a little more personal. I'd do it anyway. But make sure to contact them - some nasty people have used prominent kinksters as references who have never heard of them .



Aislinne -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 6:28:11 AM)

Dark Steven. First things first, I am new to this area? In the past have met others at play parties, events, clubs, and munches with people I was familiar with. So I am starting here without knowing anyone. I know how to be safe and have no intention of doing anything stupid. The question was looking for a Dom's point of view.



angelikaJ -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 6:42:36 AM)

I disagree with the premise that if one is experienced the local scene will know about him.

Some people just aren't local-scene participants.
For example: [my] Master has been doing this for more than 20 years, and I am pretty sure no one in the local scene has heard of him.

Ask questions, and be willing to meet for coffee.
People can BS online easier than in person.

Now if he claims to be an active participant in the local scene, then by all means check that out.




NookieNotes -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 6:52:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
3. The reference thing is a little more personal. I'd do it anyway. But make sure to contact them - some nasty people have used prominent kinksters as references who have never heard of them .


This has happened to me. People have used my name. And while I know them, I could never recommend them, because I don't know them more than to say hello and hug at a social event.



sexyred1 -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 7:35:04 AM)

I don't engage in the public scene, nor do I want someone who is to the point they have "references".

I trust my own ability to discover if I am compatible in all ways with someone.

As for experience level? It has nothing to do with my enjoyment of someone.

Hell, the best experiences in my life were with men far less experienced than me.

Experience has nothing to do with the more important chemistry and nothing beats developing your own experiences with someone new.



Aislinne -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 8:09:00 AM)

I don't want to be someone's experiment, just because it's in your head doesn't man you actually know what your doing. I trust him to not be impaired during a scene. So that's not an issue. But if I'm going to bare my flesh to someone. I want to know they know what they are doing. Anyone can read a book, or watch a movie. A lot of this is head games I am very aware of that too.



NookieNotes -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 8:16:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't engage in the public scene, nor do I want someone who is to the point they have "references".


So, to help me understand this POV, you would not want someone who was conscientious enough to say, "Hey, I know we're online and we may have only met a few times, but there are many people here locally who can vouch for my character, here is a way to get that information, if you'd like..."?

I mean, I understand if you don't want a play slut. It's not really my thing, either. However, I'm not sure what that has to do with ANY references, or whether they can offer them.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 8:23:00 AM)

I agree with Red; I think the notion of "references" is bizarre. In the vanilla world I made my own decisions about what men I trusted. In the BDSM world I've done the same.
I regard "references" in this context to have as much validity as Yelp reviews. Interesting, largely lacking believability.
Would anyone give as a reference someone who had a negative experience with them?



Wayward5oul -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 9:01:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

I agree with Red; I think the notion of "references" is bizarre. In the vanilla world I made my own decisions about what men I trusted. In the BDSM world I've done the same.
I regard "references" in this context to have as much validity as Yelp reviews. Interesting, largely lacking believability.
Would anyone give as a reference someone who had a negative experience with them?

They have their place. I have asked for references about a couple of people, and I have given references. But the ones that I asked for references, turns out we had mutual friends (the benefit of being involved in your local community) and I was able to approach them independently and knew I could trust what they had to say.

If I didn't know the person who was acting as a reference, I would check out their activities on Fet.

I am a big girl and I make decisions for myself. But considering the potential risks that bdsm dynamics carry that vanilla dynamics don't, I think it is wise to consider additional precautions that you wouldn't in a vanilla setting. Particularly if you are a newbie.



DarkSteven -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 9:15:12 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
3. The reference thing is a little more personal. I'd do it anyway. But make sure to contact them - some nasty people have used prominent kinksters as references who have never heard of them .


This has happened to me. People have used my name. And while I know them, I could never recommend them, because I don't know them more than to say hello and hug at a social event.


I've seen more extreme cases. Some guy in Colorado Springs cited his experience as a house Dom in a British dungeon. A local got the bright idea of calling said dungeon, and was told they never heard of this guy, and have never had a house Dom.

https://fetlife.com/users/130294/posts/3152241

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't engage in the public scene, nor do I want someone who is to the point they have "references".

I trust my own ability to discover if I am compatible in all ways with someone.

As for experience level? It has nothing to do with my enjoyment of someone.

Hell, the best experiences in my life were with men far less experienced than me.

Experience has nothing to do with the more important chemistry and nothing beats developing your own experiences with someone new.


IMO, references have nothing to do with compatibility, just safety. If someone's been accused of consent violation or playing while drunk, their reputation in the community will reflect that. No more.



OSGRedux -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 12:14:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

I disagree with the premise that if one is experienced the local scene will know about him.


I agree with this. I also would not be a reference for someone with whom I haven't been in a relationship. What happens in public is not always indicative of what goes on behind closed doors.



NookieNotes -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 12:41:30 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Would anyone give as a reference someone who had a negative experience with them?


You'd be surprised. Yes. They do. And I've been honest.

And they keep using my name. Usually hoping the references won't be checked, because few people are prepared to approach someone they perceive as a "celebrity" or "popular."

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wayward5oul
If I didn't know the person who was acting as a reference, I would check out their activities on Fet.


You can learn a lot about people's comments on Fet and their overall behavior. And on the forums here.

quote:

I am a big girl and I make decisions for myself. But considering the potential risks that bdsm dynamics carry that vanilla dynamics don't, I think it is wise to consider additional precautions that you wouldn't in a vanilla setting. Particularly if you are a newbie.


Agreed.

I tend to meet a lot of people NOT int he community. I am very comfortable making my own decisions as well, and I don't play except in established relationships. However, I like the idea of having references for those who are into harder play and deeper stuff, especially with casual acquaintances.



DesFIP -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 12:55:31 PM)

Beyond this, if you simply like him as a person, then it doesn't matter if he's experienced. You can learn together; make friends who will teach you, take workshops together, etc.



DannyIsNotWelcom -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 2:51:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Beyond this, if you simply like him as a person, then it doesn't matter if he's experienced. You can learn together; make friends who will teach you, take workshops together, etc.


"Growing up" together can be a wonderful experience. Plus, this to OP, if other people have been happy with your (prospective) dominant does not mean that you will too.



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 3:39:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aislinne

I don't want to be someone's experiment, just because it's in your head doesn't man you actually know what your doing. I trust him to not be impaired during a scene. So that's not an issue. But if I'm going to bare my flesh to someone. I want to know they know what they are doing. Anyone can read a book, or watch a movie. A lot of this is head games I am very aware of that too.


I think it depends on what you are seeking--if you are looking for someone who will be strictly a BDSM top or play partner or looking for a LTR where you both are "into" BDSM.

The first is easier--people who don't expect to "know" or have a relationship with their play partner (i.e. Pro-Dommes) expect people to ask for references and many will utilize public venues (in MD/DC we have a few dungeons that are member orgs) where you can talk to the DMs or others who know if they have any complaints

The second --same as vanilla dating...you don't get naked until you know he is not a psychopath (I have no shame in saying that every man I date more than a month I "background"-check the judicial websites, Google names, check their LinkedIn accounts...). Honestly (and people in glass houses so...) you should know enough about someone's level of integrity, maturity, honesty BEFORE getting physical that you can make an adult judgement call. If you date someone who claims to be experienced for a couple of months, you will KNOW if they are BSing you (I don't have years of experience but I can tell based on conversations)



angelikaJ -> RE: Experience Level, Does he or doesn't he? (9/19/2015 3:50:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aislinne

I don't want to be someone's experiment, just because it's in your head doesn't man you actually know what your doing. I trust him to not be impaired during a scene. So that's not an issue. But if I'm going to bare my flesh to someone. I want to know they know what they are doing. Anyone can read a book, or watch a movie. A lot of this is head games I am very aware of that too.


I am not sure what you are precisely meaning here.
Is it that you never want to venture outside the realm of your dominant partner's activity experience, or that you don't want to experiment with someone that you aren't in a well-established relationship with?

Personally, for me, that would have been a bit limiting.
Mutual discoveries can be a delicious part of the BDSM buffet.

And just because someone is experienced in something does not mean their experience will translate into their doing something that works for you.

An "experienced spanker" may not be able to shift their technique in a way that maximises what you are seeking out of the experience.



edit: word choice





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