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Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 9/26/2015 10:37:02 PM

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Hello everyone. Im not new here but I believe this is my first post. I mainly wanted to ask some questions concerning submissive women who are learning about being a switch, top or Domme/Mistress. Gender probably isnt a big deal in concern to my question though I am only usually dominant with women, unless the right dominant woman comes along, it could work also.

My questions are these:

What resources, websites, books ect... should a submissive who is trying to learn the ropes about Dominance and topping, be checking out?

What sort of advice would you give a submissive who is searching and exploring her bisexuality more as well as the opposite side of the kinky coin, so to speak?

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 10/8/2015 11:03:10 PM

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I'm bummed no-one had posted to your question. While I am of no real authority per se on this topic, I would suggest reading up on some of the books written by Robert J Rubel Ph.D. It really comes adown to what type of player you wish to be within the Dynamics of the relationships you wish engage in.
St.

(in reply to Kitty35)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 10/9/2015 2:05:49 AM

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Oh. Damn. I saw this before, but life has been crazy, and I never got back to you, even though I intended to.

So, books, resources, etc...

The problem is, your interests are all across the board: Dominance, topping, bisexuality... That's a HUGE lot of information.

Dominance. I'd like to point you to my writings. Both the books and the free stuff on Tumblr. I live this, and I focus very much on realism, as well as the mental aspects of dominance. RS has a book list he links to in his signature file. That's a good place to go as well. The other site has many amazing groups with a lot of experienced people and good information. These forums are a good place to post questions. Stay away from Elise Sutton and her like. It's pretty clear to most everyone that it's a male writing wank-fodder.

Topping. There is not much in my opinion better than actual hands-on learning for this. You can grab a book or two, depending on what you want to learn, but classes and practice are going to make up 90% of what you have to do. For example, my primary physical acts of topping are spankings and electric play, including micro-branding. I learned to spank in NYC from a gay leather daddy, and I learned electric play and micro-branding by asking questions, watching demos, being guided, and practicing under a watchful eye.

Bisexuality. Are you exploring this as part of your dominance/topping? Because that adds layers. If you are just exploring the sexy parts of it, find a willing partner, then just go. There is no better way than to dive in, being 100% honest with yourself and your partner about where your head is at.

Ask questions... it's easier, really to answer specific questions than to try to fill someone in on things that take years to learn in an overview.

*smiles*

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(in reply to SaintLeather)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 10/12/2015 7:57:00 PM

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Thank you both SaintLeather and NookieNotes for your replies, I very much appreciated you both for taking the time to help me out. I almost gave on the forums lol

@SaintLeather: thank you I will check out those books!

@NookieNotes: Im not exploring bisexuality, I am not a newbie to it. Im just exploring kink in my bisexuality, and wanting to allow myself to grow into something other than submissive female to my Daddy Dom. I want to see whether Im more dominant like I think I am, or submissive to women. I want to play a bit to explore more. And definately find those resources which you both so graciously listed for me :) Ive often been the topping type when I played with women in vanilla sex, but it felt empty which is normal since Im kinky through and through. I always seem to be the type to help exploring women try out being with women for the first time, and thats fine, but someday Id like to not be the one always intruducing busexuality to women all the time lol. My limit in kink world was definately not teaching men how to be dominant, because you cant teach something like that, am I right?
Once again thanks for your time and thoughtful replies, very much appreciated!

(in reply to NookieNotes)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 10/13/2015 5:06:37 AM

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Well, if you are wanting something more than a first time with women, then go for the more experienced women who know what they want. The issue with that is sometimes the intimidation factor.

And yes, you can teach a dominant mindset. I believe it is both nature and nurture. They have to feel it, need it, want it... However, in nurture, many men and steered towards non-dominant behaviors. To "play nice," and be sensitive, and so on. It can be hard for even sophisticated thinkers to understand the difference between being an asshole and being dominant.

So, some people are able to be taught, because the kernal is present.

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(in reply to Kitty35)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 10/20/2015 3:10:58 PM

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quote:

My limit in kink world was definately not teaching men how to be dominant, because you cant teach something like that, am I right?

Dominant vs. Top is one of the things you might want to clear up. If you can't teach a man to be dominant, what makes you think you'll learn the outlook?

(Leaving aside the question of whether it can be learned, doing so would require a massive outlook shift. Possibility aside, few people are actually that keen on fundamentally changing how they view the world.)

Learning how to top, meanwhile, is relatively much easier to learn. Classes/workshops/general kink-friendly events are where you'll want to go. Partially to learn what you're doing, partially because such venues are ideal spaces for one-off scenes. Topping in a one-off negotiated scene is much easier to set up than trying to find someone willing to be your experiment on here.

(in reply to NookieNotes)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 10/21/2015 6:00:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

quote:

My limit in kink world was definately not teaching men how to be dominant, because you cant teach something like that, am I right?

Dominant vs. Top is one of the things you might want to clear up. If you can't teach a man to be dominant, what makes you think you'll learn the outlook?

(Leaving aside the question of whether it can be learned, doing so would require a massive outlook shift. Possibility aside, few people are actually that keen on fundamentally changing how they view the world.)

Learning how to top, meanwhile, is relatively much easier to learn. Classes/workshops/general kink-friendly events are where you'll want to go. Partially to learn what you're doing, partially because such venues are ideal spaces for one-off scenes. Topping in a one-off negotiated scene is much easier to set up than trying to find someone willing to be your experiment on here.

OP, you can't teach someone to be Dominant, any more than you can teach someone to be submissive.
You can make suggestions, but if a person is not inherently of a Dominant or submissive disposition in terms of their soft-wiring, then I don't believe it can be done.
You could perhaps encourage someone's potential, as a kind of mentor. But. . . you would have to be a Dominant already in order to mentor (another) Dominant.
In your instance, where you are a submissive exploring her Dominant side as a switch, you could be a positive influence on (another) submissive.
With experience, you could work with (another) switch.

What ReMakeYou stated is most relevant. A Top is not necessarily Dominant. Topping involves learning techniques and acquiring a skillset. There are plenty of Tops willing to show others the ropes (no pun intended) and to share specialized knowledge as long as you have a teachable spirit, which it sounds like you do. Female Tops are usually in great demand.

D/s, on the other hand, is not limited to BDSM. And BDSM in no way defines a D/s relationship dynamic.

DreamLady

(in reply to ReMakeYou)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 12/9/2015 2:10:43 PM

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Do not worry about a formula or a recipe, do as a Domme what you would like done to you as a Sub except do not worry about the sub, pleasure.

(in reply to dreamlady)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 12/9/2015 5:56:22 PM

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- I've often thought of myself as a switch, as there have been guys that have approached me and told me they were "naturally dominant" ~ (which is already a huge line of B.S., because someone who is naturally dominant would 1. Never have to tell ANYONE that. 2. Wouldn't think in those terms.) or that since I'm listed as a sub. then that makes them superior than me.

I might spend less than 5 minutes chatting with them, and think to myself ---- this dood is NOT dominant, I'm already topping from the bottom and my PERSONALITY and whole though process is wrapping circles around this guy. In otherwords I could manipulate him into next week if I wanted to.

When i do fall into the sub/bottom catigory I enjoy more - the response to the person is almost instantaneous and there is little thinking involved. It's all natural response. It's kinda cool when it happens - but more times than not, I find myself wondering "what the hell is this guy doing?"

If it's a set up sceen type dominance you're talking about, the books that have been provided in above posts.
Good luck.

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RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 12/9/2015 6:09:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

- I've often thought of myself as a switch, as there have been guys that have approached me and told me they were "naturally dominant" ~ (which is already a huge line of B.S., because someone who is naturally dominant would 1. Never have to tell ANYONE that. 2. Wouldn't think in those terms.) or that since I'm listed as a sub. then that makes them superior than me.

I might spend less than 5 minutes chatting with them, and think to myself ---- this dood is NOT dominant, I'm already topping from the bottom and my PERSONALITY and whole though process is wrapping circles around this guy. In otherwords I could manipulate him into next week if I wanted to.

When i do fall into the sub/bottom catigory I enjoy more - the response to the person is almost instantaneous and there is little thinking involved. It's all natural response. It's kinda cool when it happens - but more times than not, I find myself wondering "what the hell is this guy doing?"

If it's a set up sceen type dominance you're talking about, the books that have been provided in above posts.
Good luck.

That sounds like me. I have an alpha personality, but can go quite submissive when I'm with someone that is more alpha than I am...and most guys that list themselves as Dominant aren't, they're fetishists that like topping.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 12/9/2015 6:10:46 PM >

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(in reply to JanahX)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 12/9/2015 7:25:06 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
That sounds like me. I have an alpha personality, but can go quite submissive when I'm with someone that is more alpha than I am...and most guys that list themselves as Dominant aren't, they're fetishists that like topping.

This is so, so true. I will even go so far as to say that I have come to the conclusion that the vast majority of those claiming to be Dominant are, in fact, BDSM Tops.

It's ironic that the phenomena of Dominants constantly complaining (and I know, I used to be one of them, and still do actually) about the apparent deficit in finding *true* submissives and how the glut of those who call themselves submissive. . . aren't, and are fetishists instead, looking to Top from the bottom.

The real irony is that in many cases, these selfsame Tops are the ones who claim to want a sub and not a bottom; bottoms claiming to seek a fantasy Master or fantasy Mistress to "own" them, when what they're seeking is to get Topped or having their fetishes fulfilled.

This is partly (but not the only reason) why I don't classify myself as a Domme anymore -- because of all the unwelcome "FemDom" baggage that goes with it. Short of a better option, the Switch label has been liberating overall because with it comes latitude for me to be myself; and thus far, what I suspected might happen did, that others would feel more free to be themselves around me as well without such a compunction to play some kind of preconceived stereotypical role in order to be accepted for who they are as an individual.

DreamLady

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(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 12/10/2015 1:37:19 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady

The real irony is that in many cases, these selfsame Tops are the ones who claim to want a sub and not a bottom; bottoms claiming to seek a fantasy Master or fantasy Mistress to "own" them, when what they're seeking is to get Topped or having their fetishes fulfilled.

I've always found it funny that the more "blustery" the Dominant, the more they're not actually Dominant.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to dreamlady)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 12/10/2015 1:50:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady

The real irony is that in many cases, these selfsame Tops are the ones who claim to want a sub and not a bottom; bottoms claiming to seek a fantasy Master or fantasy Mistress to "own" them, when what they're seeking is to get Topped or having their fetishes fulfilled.

I've always found it funny that the more "blustery" the Dominant, the more they're not actually Dominant.

The more blustery, the more desperate for a blow job they've been unable to get from any vanilla woman.

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RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 12/22/2015 10:32:42 AM

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as i said on an earlier thread.

Most genuine and honest souls I feel would answer they are somewhere, foreverever in-between...not fixed, nor locked, wandering-meandering, exploring, evolving seeking muffin.

The ones that states they are one extremity or the other worry me, greatly, and the hullaballoo they propagate, to all that will listen and embellish their dangerous talk and profiles of dangerous derangements

dreamlady first reply first paragraph fine words.

Some minds can always be awoken, embers blown on.

on-line resources I am scathing of most - but it you look hard in-between - there will be good words, blogs, profiles, stories etc..but it depends on the mind absorbing all that they come across and fixing the wheat from the chaff...The secretary, read story of O no doubt there are other good works but you have to go through a lot of dross to find it..stories blog forums are a good eclectic resource - more so in what not to be or ever become.

I date the person not whether they are Dominant, switch, submissive. I find it incredible no-one else says that on these places – perhaps I have missed some say it. But even on main stream sites you will have profiles that say I am 5.6 and 5.9 in heels therefore no one under 5.10...I can’t be bothered typing everything that is wrong with that statement

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 12/27/2015 1:32:49 AM

JVoV

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You must not understand how difficult it is to dance with a much shorter man trying to lead.

(in reply to WickedsDesire)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 4/2/2016 3:29:00 PM

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Go for it. I sometimes feel dominant too. That's when I slap fools.

(in reply to JVoV)

RE: Submissive exploring her dominant side: Questions - 4/3/2016 2:32:34 AM

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DEAR KITTY, if it turns you on do it.

you do not need books videos etc

use your imagination, unless of course you are a dumbo. xx

(in reply to Kitty35)

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