Sexual Addiction and BDSM (Full Version)

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LoganStrange -> Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/17/2006 9:42:26 PM)

Seems that many here are unfamiliar with this topic, so I thought I would post some information here to help those unfamiliar with sexual addiction.

The best way to describe it is comparing it to food addiction.
Understand that you can love food without being a food addict, you can be a glutton without being a food addict, and the same goes for sexual addiction, you can love sex without being an addict, you can be kinky without being an addict, even poly without being an addict,
But make no mistake, sexual addiction is a real issue and one that fills the bdsm world and is mostly ignored.
Sexual addiction like any addiction is where the behavior controlls you, not the other way around, when you do things for sex or sexual reasons that risk jobs, family, friendships, or involve illeagle activities, habitual behavior, patterns that are destructive.
Sexual addiction in the bdsm world is even harder to see and deal with as most doctors will say that bdsm or poly or most other behavior is a result of it, but truth is, you can be in all of this and not be an addict, but I feel that alot of people in the lifestyle don't even look for this as many see it as a way of getting what they want.

So please, those that read this, if you don't know about sexual addiction, read up on it, if you think you might have a problem yourself, read up on it.
Just understand that many anti-addiction information dosen't take into consideration alternitive lifestyles, so when you read, look for the issues dealing with self controll, not the actual acts done, as I said, you can be poly without being an addict, or kinky, Master or slave, but it is a real issue, for the sake of your health and safety, please be informed.
                                                 Thank you.



mnottertail -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/18/2006 1:55:59 PM)

And sexual addiction means what to me?  Is that like being addicted to gummi bears.........I mean it is kind of a who gives a fuck kinda scenario, ain't it?


I can't wait to find out the safety issues....................


LOL. 



Lashra -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/18/2006 2:01:24 PM)

I'm a sex addict and I admit it, so is my sub. We are also both perverts and happy.[:D] But at least what we do doesn't effect other people, like second hand smoke[:'(] 
Although I'm sure the cows who gave up their lives for our leather attire and toys ain't so happy.

~Lashra



defiantbadgirl -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/26/2006 5:32:23 PM)

I think sexual addiction is the worst it has ever been. Everyone seems to want friends with benefits. Masters, as well as vanilla men,  expect sex on the first date. If the woman doesn't give it up by the second date, he's done with her. Several have told me they refuse to wear condoms. How many people use protection during oral sex? Doesn't anyone know HIV is spread that way too? Then there are the married guys looking for someone to explore their fantasies with. They risk not only losing their families, but killing their unsuspecting spouses. I can't understand it. Any time I try to talk to someone about the dangers of sexual addiction, they turn a deaf ear. Come on people, if you want to have sex outside of a monogamous relationship,  at least wait till there's a cure for AIDS.



Estring -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/26/2006 5:41:42 PM)

It sounds to me like you are confusing promiscuity and cheating with sexual addiction. Guys have always been after as much sex as they can get. That is being a guy, not an addiction. There is a thing called sexual addiction, but being horny or a cheater is not the same thing. 



slaveaurora -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/26/2006 6:58:01 PM)

Sexual addiction is a very serious addiction that affects not only the one addicted, but family members, friends, jobs, etc as well. 
 
Sexual addiction, porn addiction, or SA/PA as I like to call it can be very hurtful and devistating to a partner.   The addict will lie, and do whatever he has to do to keep the addiction a secret, not caring about anyone but himself.     If you are unfortunate enough to be the spouse or partner of a S/P addict, then you are undoubtedly feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not kinky enough, your self esteem is gone, and your self confidence suffers greatly.   Everytime you realize that your S/O is staying up late at night and looking at and downloading porn instead of coming to bed to be with you, you will feel the emotional pain.   When your partner ogles other women, especially those that are young and attractive, you will feel not good enough.  
 
The addict will have no emotions, and will not be able to deal with reality, they don't/can't communicate because they are too used to living a fantasy where everything is perfect.    In the case of watching/downloading porn, the ladies of porn are perfect.  They look perfect, they don't fart during sex, they make all the right noises, ( moaning and talking dirty)  and look good doing it.   When the addict gets his fix, he turns off the porn and its gone.  No pillow talk, no holding you tight, no saying sweet nothings in your ear.   He doesn't want the real thing anymore, because his hand and his mind do a much better job without the extras, and he can avoid reality.   

It is much like an addiction to alcohol, or drugs, except it is sex and porn.   

In relating it to BDSM, an addict will get involved in BDSM to fulfill a fantasy that he has probably seen in a porn movie.  The addcition escelates, until eventually it turns into something illegal, and gets him in major trouble. 

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. 

~aurora~    



Estring -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/26/2006 11:40:40 PM)

What about  female sex addicts? You seem to have skipped over them.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/26/2006 11:53:48 PM)

females have just as many problems with sex addiction.  however, its more open with men, so its discussed with men more often. It is less likely a woman wil admit to looking at porn (in my experience) and men will brag. 
My exhusband was an addict, he would turn me down for months on end in favor of porn. It was the first chink in what ahd started out as a perfect marriage.  The porn wasnt judgemental of his abilities and he never had to worry about disappoint it. He never had to be concerned with whethr or not it enjoyed itself. (And these are all things HE told me.)
I have had female friends who were addicts as well.  They just put more effort into hiding it. The one I am thinking of carried her vibe to work with her so she could masturbate in the bathroom just about every break.  She would send all her free time surfing porn, guy-guy or guy-girl, and she would tell her husband she wasnt interested mor often than not.

It is a very big, very overlooked problem. However, its not exactly something someone can bring up to a friend without risking losing that person.  I know, I did lose the female friend when I brought it up.  Its a lose lose situation, if not played VERY carefully.

DV



SexyRed -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 8:48:43 AM)

One can also have a sexual/love addiction to a particular person. That is also a major problem.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 11:23:17 AM)

Guys have always been after as much sex as they can get? How is that not an addiction? Anybody who goes around having sex with multiple partners has an addition because they're putting their lives in danger. People who use illegal drugs turn a deaf ear to anyone who tells them they're risking their lives, just like these promiscious sex addicts ignore anyone who tells them AIDS can be contracted through oral sex. I don't see the difference.



Lashra -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 11:47:06 AM)

We start dying the second we are born that is a fact. You live life and you take your chances every day, you take precautions and you might live a bit longer.
I don't go around sleeping with just anyone and when I do its when we are in a one on one relationship. Yep I've had a few partners over the years, we have always used precautions such as condoms. I don't go out and jump into an orgy and fuck just anybody that is not my thing. I am addicted to my sub and he to me, we have sex with each other, I don't see a problem.
If I had married every guy I had sex with, I would have been divorced quite a few times. Sorry I don't believe in the waiting until your married to have sex thing, but if it works for others good for them.
Sex is like anything else it can be very good for you and theraputic or it can ruin you, its all in how far you allow it to go. I don't care what others do and try not to judge them, they are adults and their lives are their own.

~Lashra



Estring -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 2:03:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Guys have always been after as much sex as they can get? How is that not an addiction? Anybody who goes around having sex with multiple partners has an addition because they're putting their lives in danger. People who use illegal drugs turn a deaf ear to anyone who tells them they're risking their lives, just like these promiscious sex addicts ignore anyone who tells them AIDS can be contracted through oral sex. I don't see the difference.


You don't see a difference? A male's sexuality is far different in most cases than a female's. What do you think a 19 year old male is thinking about all of the time? Getting laid. That doesn't make him a sex addict. That makes him a typical teenage boy. As he gets older, he will only think of sex most of the time.[;)] It sounds like you have a few issues that may be clouding your thinking on this. 



slaveaurora -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 4:05:30 PM)

Sexual addiction is not about going around and having sex with everyone you meet.   In fact sex addiction has little do to with sex at all.   It is more about medicating feelings, emotions, life's stresses, reality, and to get that endorphine fix.    It is like a drug addict, they don't take drugs just because it is a drug, they take it because they need that high, to take them away from reality, to forget their troubles, and to go to a place of pleasure.  ( in their minds anyway)    Sex addicts do the same thing.    They can't cope with reality, they have no feelings or emotions.  They don't care how badly they hurt someone, it is all about them and their fix. 
 
Sex addicts as they progress into the addiction usually suffer from erectile dysfunction, and they can't get a hard on unless their are viewing porn images, and they can't cum unless they use their hand.  A womens vagina does not provide the same pressure that his hand can.    A sex addict will not be able to have sex with a normal woman because they don't look like the ladies of porn.  They can't get turned on by a real women, they need that image and the fantasy in their mind to make it perfect.   
 
Sex addicts do have multiple partners at first, often taking viagra or some other enhancement drug to help.  They are constitantly pursueing that fantasy in their mind, and they soon realize it isn't there.   Actually what they realize is they can't get the same fix from a real women as they can from an image.    The real woman is to needy, the porn ladies he can turn off when ever he wants.  
 
Imagine this.....lets say for instance that you are horny and wanting to be intimate with your partner, you come on to him and let him know you want him sexually.    He looks at you and says NO, leaving you devistated.   You find out the next day that he spent HOURS on the internet looking at 18 yr old naked girls, with their perfect little bodies and perky boobs.    You realize that he chose an IMAGE over you, over the REAL thing.     How does that make you feel?     you got it, like shit.      They don't want sex, they want the endorphone rush they get from it.   Real sex is too much work, and they can't shut off a woman.  
 
Understand that sex addiction starts off as them having multiple partners, having sex all the time, using a woman as a blow up doll.   There is usually no foreplay, no hugging or kissing.  It is just get on, do your thing, get off.    There are no feelings involved, it is just sex.   Sex addiction progresses through stages, until eventually they start doing things that are illegal.   Downloading child porn, or turning into a pedophile, beastiality, etc.  This is because they need something stronger to get that same fix.   Normal sex/porn doesn't do it for them anymore, and they need more horrific things to maintain that "high".  
 
I hope this makes sense. 
 
~aurora~



AnAtlantaDom -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 4:36:19 PM)

Here is the defination:
 
ad·dic·tion  [image]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/edu/ref/ahd/t/pron.jpg[/image]  ([image]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/edu/ref/ahd/s/schwa.gif[/image]-d[image]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/edu/ref/ahd/s/ibreve.gif[/image]k[image]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/edu/ref/ahd/s/prime.gif[/image]sh[image]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/edu/ref/ahd/s/schwa.gif[/image]n) KEY  

NOUN:



  1. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.
    An instance of this: a person with multiple chemical addictions.



  • The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
    An instance of this: had an addiction for fast cars
    Are we all on the same page?



    • ICGsteve -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 4:43:35 PM)

    Those who are called sex addicts are desperately in search of something, and are using the erotic to try to find it. If we are to call this an illness or a flaw then we must be fair and call all of those who are desperately searching ill or flawed. We could have religious addicts, pleasure addicts, do-gooder addicts (those who can't stop telling other what they should do and/or trying to "help" them), pain addicts, education addicts....

    Why can't we just leave the searchers alone and hope that they find what they are looking for? Is this really so hard? I also would like to suggest to anyone who thinks that they need and/or like sex too much and would like to stop but can't that maybe they don't really want to stop. Just because the head and ego says something does not make it true, the heart and the body might have other ideas.



    slaveaurora -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 5:57:33 PM)

    Am I misunderstanding, or are the two of you insinuating that I am nuts??   
     
    I can assure you I am not.  
     
    ~aurora~



    ICGsteve -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/27/2006 8:33:16 PM)

     
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

    Am I misunderstanding, or are the two of you insinuating that I am nuts??   
     
    I can assure you I am not.  
     
    ~aurora~


    I don't know you, so I have no idea if you are nuts. I have said that in my opinion there should be no such thing as "sexual addiction". I believe that those who think that having a hyperactive erotic sensibility  are worthy of being named by a negative pseudo-scientific label are misguided and not very understanding of human foibles.



    slaveaurora -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/28/2006 3:57:58 AM)

    Perhaps you could google "sexual addiction", and read about it.   
    Patrick Carnes has written several books about it, and he is a therapist who treats sex addicts.  
     
    I think everyone has misunderstood what "sexual addiction" really is.    You all seem to think that just because you have a high sex drive, or you love sex, that I am labeling everyone a sex addict.   NOT TRUE.  
     
    All I can say is google it, and read about it.  
     
    ~aurora~



    ICGsteve -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/28/2006 1:32:12 PM)

    Therapists talk about "sexual addiction" at conferences, write papers on it, and books are written about it for the mass market. This does not however mean that it should be. There was no such thing twenty years ago, the pro's have driven the movement to have sexual addiction become a legit diagnoses, and maybe this should not be. It could be that the history of the term "sexual addiction" says more about the pro's need to classify deviant behavior as illness based then it says about actual illness.

    It is time to draw the line, to take a stand against the therapeutic community which continually insists upon trying to sanitizing human behavior. A lot of what comes out of the therapeutic community is hard, humorless, naive, and contains such a lack of acceptance of the flaws that make us human rather than gods that it borders on inhumane. If given half a chance the therapists would band together an label all who enjoy BDSM as ill, let's not fool ourselves. Those who accept "sexual addiction" have alreadys tarted down the slippery slope.



    shigglyboom -> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM (7/28/2006 3:12:59 PM)

    You guys are both right, so why don't you kiss and make up?

    Yeah, too much is pathologized by the psychiatric community, and yeah, people can get addicted to sex, just like to alcohol and TV news and internet chatting and collecting jade pillboxes. Extreme insatiability for any of these things can destroy someone's finances or relationship or career and when it does, that's an addiction. The interesting question is, can that make a blow job the equivalent of methodone?

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: ICGsteve
    Those who accept "sexual addiction" have alreadys tarted down the slippery slope.


    Nice pun, Steve.



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