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dcnovice -> DC Update: A Haunting Halloween (10/31/2015 9:59:09 PM)
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October 31, 2015
A Haunting Halloween
Dear Ones ---
Witches don’t scare me. Well, aside from the one I used to work for. Ghosts don’t scare me. Ghouls don’t scare me. And black cats certainly don’t scare me.
But my lungs? They scare me.
You heard in my last epistle about the tendency of fluid to surround and compress my right lung. I’m scheduled for some sort of special cardiac CT scan on Thursday, November 5th. It will hopefully shed light on why this keeps happening.
Tonight, in the interest of equal time, let’s shift attention to my left lung. In keeping with my body’s Benedictine-style hospitality to all sorts and conditions of cellular life, the lung has been sheltering some sort of node or nodule or lump. It was first detected in January, when it was a mere 5 mm in diameter. No big deal, was the thinking at the time. Apparently all sorts of odd but benign crap can collect in the lungs, and my little buddy would need to be twice that size to cross the threshold of clinical concern. With my luck, I figured it was a wad of gum.
Indeed, I’m not even sure if I learned about the node back then. I kind of think I first heard about it in April or May, near the start of my long hospital stay. By that point, it had grown to 8 mm. Still not big enough to ride, but the rapid growth raised eyebrows. The lung docs counseled against a needle biopsy, since the procedure carried a risk of collapsing the lung. My right lung was already compromised, and having both out of commission would be unfortunate. Doctors, you see, take breathing very seriously.
My most recent CT scan, two or three weeks ago, brought unwelcome news. The node had grown larger, reaching 12 mm. My pulmonologist ordered a PET scan, which can help determine whether this latest squatter of mine is malignant.
I let several weeks elapse between being told to schedule the scan and actually doing so. At first I just chalked this up to Peteresque procrastination. Dragging my feet, after all, is my major form of exercise these days. But after calling yesterday to make the appointment (for Friday, November 6th), I’m realizing there was also a fear factor in my tardiness. Putting the scan on the calendar suddenly made it “real.” The prospect of learning I have another form of cancer—my fourth—shifts from the distant shadows to the local horizon. And that terrifies me.
Just the thought of fresh rounds of radiation and chemo—and surgery?—makes me shrivel like an elderly helium balloon. And God only knows what the career impact would be. I only just crawled through my first week of full-time work in at least a year (I think), and my pinch-hitter is going out on maternity leave.
I know, I know: Don’t borrow trouble. All I have to cope with today is the fear and the uncertainty. Which is plenty.
Thanks for e-listening, and please keep praying/hoping that this week’s scans bring treats and not tricks.
Love to you all!
Cheers,
DC
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