Who seeks Who? (Full Version)

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SavageEu -> Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 12:03:55 AM)

And my second question. Who approaches who on the board?  I have been on a few other boards and it is almost universally the men message the women and then the women choose. I guess that is general human nature but I wondered if there was any added dimension like Doms approach Subs more often. If I had to bet I would think that male Doms approach female Subs almost exclusivly.

In some ways I guess I was hoping that there would be a different dynamic here but I think human nature is a hard thing to overcome. I am sure there are exceptions but the few Subs that have responded said they basically set back and just sift through the mountains of emails. I have already seen the 'Don't complain about people not answering since its almost universal'. I hang my head and thinking something so pedestrian only happend to me



Caretakr -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 12:07:45 AM)

 

All you really have to do is wait, and be careful in how you approach.

Decent and worthwhile tops are still not in the majority here.

Just be sure to remember there is a human at the other end-not a fantasy.

That alone,will place you miles ahead of the yammering idiot pack.



SavageEu -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 1:07:16 AM)

That is true, I know that everyone is a human, except someone I thought sounded like a bot at first and appologized profusely for it when I found out otherwise. I am still getting used to the dynamic around here. Someone who shall remain nameless and yet scorned by me suggested I should approach a sub as dominantly as possible to woo them.

That literally seemed retarded, I know this place is about dominance and submission but it made no sense at all. How can you expect someone to ever submit to you without trusting you first? So I try to be sincere and open though I wonder if that is seen as weakness at times.

Probably the most uncomfortable part for me is that when contacting people I send a message to them.. as in I actually think about every one I write and try to relate it to what they are interested in. But since so few answer I get that little panic of .. 'Oh crap have I already talked to them or mentioned this already?' I guess that is just part of the challenge in finding the right person though, hoping that the person you are interested in won't judge you to harshly for your mistakes :)



sleazybutterfly -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 1:13:21 AM)

Don't forget to keep an eye on your "sent mail" folder...you can see who you wrote and what you said.
 
It's normally the Dom contacts the sub/slaves...but I have been known to contact a few myself.  I think it's just a personal preference for each person.
 
Just give it time.. don't be pushy.. get to know them as a person..(sounds like you are doing that)..and the rest will come from there.
 
Chances are..you won't get replies to a lot of mail..that just happens around here... and though it sucks.. it's part of it.
 
There is no "perfect" way to do anything around here.. go at it the best you can.. cross your fingers..and hope for the best.
 
~Flutterbi



KennelDeSade2 -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 1:56:30 AM)

In my version of a perfect world a sub would go Dom shopping and look over those possibles while they go about their usual lives, so the sub has a feel for what she would be getting into without having to worry about the problem of a dom changing into the "I can be anything you want sweetie" mode so common when a dom is in hot persuit of a sub.

But the world has never been less perfect, so it's just a good practice to introduce yourself and be polite.  You can meet some amazing people here.



missturbation -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 2:04:06 AM)

I think in my time here i have mailed two Dom's first. My reason - just they caught my eye for some reason or another.
I don't always reply to my mail, but most of it does get replied to as i leave the difficult ones to my Sir. He has access to my account.



Quivver -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 3:29:59 AM)

Over my time here on CM I've contacted others (both genders) first
when ever something struck me that I had a couple words I wanted
to share.  Same on the other side when I've read a profile that struck
some cord in me.  Sure I've gotten mail from others too, but I really
have never noticed that one is more often then the other.

Q



IronBear -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 4:03:55 AM)

This one is easy, you see someone in the forums who you like or you read a profile which interests you, you IM them and tell them you like what they posted, like how they present themselves nd/or you like their profile. In the case of you seeing something about their forum activities, go read thirprofile and then you can find thigs which you can[positively comment about. Inclide theirlikes as well. Make the initial contact a social friendly one. When and if you establish some form of contact on more than once you have set the grounds for a more serious approach with regards a possibility collering etc. Take it easy and don't rush, be relaxed and open. Even if a relationship is not going to happen, you may have made a new friend and that alone is worth the effort..



RavenMuse -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 4:05:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavageEu
Someone who shall remain nameless and yet scorned by me suggested I should approach a sub as dominantly as possible to woo them.


Then you have made an excelent start. That approach is typicaly refered to as the 'kneel bitch brigade' and whilst there are maybe a few subs out there who will respond to it... would you want them?

When a girl submits to me, it should be about ME. Not about 'just some muppet with a Dom lable stuck to his chest' but ME, the person who draws the submission from who she is.

As for who contacts who. The girls get WAY more mail.... most of it from total lamebrains and 'kneel bitch brigade' morons. If you don't send any out at all then chances are they may not even notice you regardless of what your profile is like.

I do get some mail, most from people I already correspond with, next comes folks asking questions or advice who have spotted me on the boards here. Occassionaly I've had 'intro' mails from more local girls who also saw something on the forums that caught their interest (One such I came close to collaring. Waves to Mel) and I've had a number of responces direct to my profile (None of those, so far have been compatable)

When sending out mail, just remember what you are doing. You are not going to have her fall at your feet after reading it, all you are doing is seeing if there is enough interest from her side to BEGIN talking. Read her profile, comment on what interested you, if there are things that make you think there is campatability, mention them. A little more about you and sign off. Not war and peace length but enough to catch her interest.

Accept that most won't even get a reply. No reply = no interest. Don't loose heart, don't give up. Eventualy it does happen. Meanwhile use other resources, see what the local scene has to offer, have fun, enjoy the discussions, make friends... the search will plod along in the background of all that quite happily.



TNstepsout -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 4:28:50 AM)

Yes it seems that men still approach women for the most part. But that's because the men outnumber the women by quite a bit. So far I think you're doing things the right way. I always respond to polite, respectful emails, even if I don't think we'd be compatible. I do not respond to anyone who is overly dominant in his email (in fact I'm wondering if the person who told you this wasn't pulling your chain). I do not respond to one liners or "hello" or any email that's full of typos and misspells or obviously a form letter, one that contains a nude pic (espcecially a dick pic) or is overly sexual.

A compliment is always nice. In fact I'm thinking of making it a requirement. *grins* But especially those that are personal to the person you are contacting "you have intense eyes" "I love your sense of humor" "I like your writing style" etc.... rather than "yor purty!"

I would also suggest you add a little more about yourself on your profile. Talk a little more about your interests and hobbies, the kind of movies or music you like, your kind of humor etc... How do you spend your time. What's important to you. A pic is also nice. Something casual, natural is always nice. One that just shows you being yourself, maybe engaged in a hobby or activity. It really helps the person on the other end get a sense of who you are and what you're all about.

Don't get discouraged. It just takes some time. You seem like a nice guy with a good attitude with the right mix of D/s and reality.



MsIncognito -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 4:34:49 AM)

I think that the males (regardless of orientation) contact the females (regardless of orientation) more often than not. People are people here as much as anywhere else. It's a good idea to remember that BDSM is not some magical world where things are so much more different than elsewhere but that you are dealing with human beings with human tendencies, thoughts, emotions. 



Lashra -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 4:41:17 AM)

I've never been shy about contacting someone who's profile interested me. Sometimes I just fire off a message to let them know how interesting I found it. If they write back great if not, I don't worry about it.
As the commerical says you gotta reach out and touch someone, to make something happen.

~Lashra



CrappyDom -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 4:45:13 AM)

I guess I am lucky as I get a fair amount of contacts from women although they all seem to hail from places back East and I am sure if I moved back east I would be bombarded by women from California, but such is life.

I have contacted women but again, few are from my town and the biggest number are from the bay area which is a den of talented perverts so the interest in finding someone for them is low, especially if you are an hour or more away. 

Bottom line, real connections with someone are rare, play partners less so, and flirty friends pretty common.




sapphirepleasure -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 5:47:13 AM)

I get a fair amount of mail and do try to respond to all of it.  I also send out inquiries myself because I'm moving to a new area with a fairly limited 'Dom pool' and I want to make connection with any of them who interest me.  So if I don't hear from them first, I just sent a note with a pic, and they seem to be very appreciative. 

saph



Chaingang -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 7:06:10 AM)

The supplicant should make the first contact. I've had good success with that arrangement. Of course, when my profile was more filled out I had stuff there worth replying to...so good advertising helps things along. It's complex and interesting: as a person that likes to control things I might prefer to make the first contact if I see things in someone that appeal to me, at the same time because I don't really know the people I am contacting very well it makes far better sense for people appropriate to my interests to chose themselves for me and for them to make the first contact instead. That makes sense, right? They read my profile and say to themselves, "I might just be what this guy is looking for...!"

If all you want to do is play, it shouldn't be too hard to find partners just for that. If you want something longer-term and with greater depth, that's always a significant effort. Most people are time wasters and unworthy of attention.

Many apply, few are chosen.



Tamerofwild1s -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 7:12:02 AM)

first and foremost when I approach someone it's as a human being. we after all want to know the human being who attracted us don't we. I get approached quite a bit and some seems flirty . others show a genuine interest . I simply respond back to the e-mail that they sent me .. I treat them as a person .... that whole on your knees bitch ... I find that so childish at the very least.



MysticFireTopaz -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 7:16:21 AM)

I agree with what others have said about it being the norm for the male to approach the female, regardless of orientation.  As a Female Dominant, I would say about 90% of the time the submissive does the approaching. 
 
When I have initiated the contact, it was with someone who lived in My local area, whose profile really impressed Me, and who seemed to be what I'm looking for and vice versa.  Since very few sub males in this area have much of anything in their profiles, it is unusual for one to grab My interest.  A few do have great profiles, but I can tell by reading them that I'm not for them, or vice versa.  I don't bother responding in that case, unless it's to tell them that they have a great profile, though I realize W/we're not a match.
 
Lady Topaz



LotusSong -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 7:28:20 AM)

I noticed your profile doen't have your picture.  That would help if you had one.



iliv2servher -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 8:57:45 AM)

I used to have an account here under another name, along with a very detailed profile and a recent photo.  I actually did receive quite a few inquiries from femdommes who said that they liked what I had written, but it took a couple of years before the inquiries began to flow.  Like anything else, it's all in the way you present yourself.





desertdancer -> RE: Who seeks Who? (7/19/2006 9:12:11 AM)

I get mail from both sexes, as well as both subs and Doms/ Dommes... I try to answer each bit of mail I receive.  I have been lucky as I often do not receive one liners but rather well thought out mail, so I feel more as though I am having an conversation rather then fending off unwanted advances. 

On the flip side, I often will send a quick message to someone if they have said something that inspires me, or makes me laugh or just tickles me.  All mail I've sent has come back with positive results, but then I am not looking for anything other then friendship, so I think that makes it easier for others to respond to me.

~dancer



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