RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS.

RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (Full Version)

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Greta75 -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 6:14:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cell quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 If only I liked submissive men, the world is my oyster. I wouldn't have thought vanilla men leaning toward dominance was that rare. Weird. Very very rare. They may like dominating you, outside of the bedroom, to look like the man in charge of the relationship infront of others, but in the bedroom, they want to be bottom, they want you to take control in the bedroom, be the creative one, the initiator, the master planner, basically, take over the whole show. That's just usually my experience with vanilla guys. And then I try to top from bottom, which is what I usually do. They want to be "dominated", I tell them what to do, but they still gotta play tops as a condition to interact with me sexually anyway. As I hate being the top. But most of the time, I have to lead in the bedroom, even though I still manipulate it to lead it from bottom. But as a submissive slanted person, I just want the man to lead! And I do say this straightforward to the men. But it doesn't seem to sink in. I mean, they just aren't dominant by nature. I say this with frustration but as I said, I recently met my perfect sexual match mid last year. So his dominant in and out of bedroom, things are wonderful. Same guy I mentioned above who had experience dating a submissive woman in his past. Although he identifies as vanilla, and don't consider himself a dominant, but he takes the lead outside and inside the bedroom. Likes being the decision maker. That makes me happy. A man who don't expect me to make all decisions for us! Great!

Greta75 -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 6:32:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Draciron I'll respectfully disagree. I've introduced a number of women to the lifestyle. Most of which continued with the lifestyle after we parted ways. It is all a matter of perspective. People are scared of the lifestyle as we are portrayed as freaks, deviants and that there is something fundamentally wrong with us Psychologically for liking what we do. Either you have really good spider senses to pick up naturally submissive females. Because I don't believe you can change someone's orientation by efforts. They gotta either be into it in the first place naturally but never realise it yet and you hit jackpot when you introduce it, or if they aren't into it, they will never like it. I see kinks as inborn and not something that you nurture in a person. I also see dominance and submissive characters to be inborn. Perhaps I think my kinks are inborn. I was aware of them since I have memories, pretty much since a kid, I already knew my sexuality and what I was into. Nobody introduced bdsm to me. I just naturally was into it. I see it as something that is a part of me since I was born and was never nurtured into it. And growing up, it was me introducing kink into vanilla boy's life. The way I got into this, wasn't like I met some dude who show me something I never experienced before and then had eureka that I'm into this. Ever since a kid, I search for boys who will play these things with me, that I have always desired. And it always felt natural to me and normal. Even with the reality that it's not generally accepted by society, especially where I am at. I never felt like a freak or abnormal because of it. It always felt like, something that was comfortable and part of me that I see nothing wrong with. So I really don't think people reluctance to get into it, is out of fear. But natural orientation, and perhaps, my spider senses have broken down in finding dominant men, that I always end up with bedroom submissive types.

Cell -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 6:45:53 AM)
Maybe it's cultural? I don't have any experience in the dating men department, but it really seems strange to me... now I'm curious to ask ex-partners how I stacked up 'dominance wise' compared to their subsequent partners. Not quite sure how I'd pull off that conversation though. [8D]

Greta75 -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 7:10:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cell Maybe it's cultural? I don't have any experience in the dating men department, but it really seems strange to me... now I'm curious to ask ex-partners how I stacked up 'dominance wise' compared to their subsequent partners. Not quite sure how I'd pull off that conversation though. [8D] If they were submissive x-partners, should be easy to ask right? Also the thing is, the most popular reoccuring message I get on this place in my PM is, "You don't seem very submissive." So I do give out a more dominant vibe than submissive vibe I guess. And perhaps that don't attract dominants but lure submissive men towards me. And the thing is, I am always very assertive and know exactly what I want. And can articulate it very detailedly and precisely as well. So some self-proclaim dominant men may be turn off by that, too many restrictions, they don't feel like they have any control, and submissive men, are turn on, because they see someone who can lead them. And if I had to lead, I can lead, because making decisions is easy for me. I'm pretty decisive if someone tells me to take over the decision making process. Comes from being eldest leading two younger brothers and then job wise as well, what I used to do, leading a predominantly male sector by being the only female in it. But occasionally, once in a blue moon, I meet a naturally dominant man who can dominate me and get me to co-operate with him quite easily, it's always fantastic, and it feels so damn good, the trust and harmony of it.

Cell -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 7:46:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 If they were submissive x-partners, should be easy to ask right? Hmm, I doubt it... I'm pretty sure it would be weird me asking. =\|

Greta75 -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 7:51:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cell quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 If they were submissive x-partners, should be easy to ask right? Hmm, I doubt it... I'm pretty sure it would be weird me asking. =\| Just say, you spoke to this submissive girl, me, and I said this which made you wonder about (insert what you want to ask). I don't know, don't see any issues. As long as the break up was friendly ha.

Cell -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 4:08:17 PM)
As friendly as can be expected. The issue is, that it seems weird to me to ring up old girlfriends to basically ask about their sexual history. You could try ringing around all your old partners to ask how their other relationships have compared to you if you like... I have a feeling you may have some issues with that conversation yourself. =P Another thing I found interesting is that you have trouble finding maturity in 35yo age group people. I wouldn't have thought that was too rare either! But come to think of it, I know 50yo people that I wouldn't consider mature so maybe it's not so hard to believe. I'm curious what exactly makes someone mature in your eyes though.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 4:27:48 PM)
I think you should avoid ringing up any exes, unless you talk to them on the regular. Yes, a random call out of the blue asking an ex to rank your dominance would probably lower your ranking automatically. :p I lived with a vanilla guy for two years. Dragged him to munches and enjoyed an active sex life that (to me) was vanilla. I spoke to him years later. He had married and was happy, but he did confess to me he really missed "the kinky sex," which tickled me immensely. The only thing I can say about introducing anyone to kink is to be authentic, honest and trustworthy. To get someone to admit to their darker or kinkier desires requires a level of trust for most. You also have to be willing to accept that once the genie is out of the bottle, you can't put it back and the kinks they gravitate toward may not be compatible with yours.

Cell -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 6:19:24 PM)
quote: Yes, a random call out of the blue asking an ex to rank your dominance would probably lower your ranking automatically. :p A D/s uncertainty principle? 'Whenever you study your D/s relationships, you also change your D/s relationships'? We might be on to something here o.O But yes, would be a bit random I think.[8D]

Greta75 -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 6:32:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cell You could try ringing around all your old partners to ask how their other relationships have compared to you if you like... I have a feeling you may have some issues with that conversation yourself. =P I usually already ask this in details WHILE I was in the relationship with that person, so I already know all this information. I know where I measure up to every single man I have sex with. And if I was not their best, they can honestly tell me without me taking offense. I always have very honest conversations like that. I wasn't even my x-dom best sub for sure in terms of kink compatibility and obedience ha! But that's fine, I know why he liked me, I had my strengths too. And of course I have weaknesses which I will admit I have them with no big deal. I have been seperated from my x-dom for 4 years now, but the first 2 years of separation with him, I have constantly asked him alot of questions about me compared with other women haha! The break up was super amicable and friendly so I can ask him anything still! quote: Another thing I found interesting is that you have trouble finding maturity in 35yo age group people. I wouldn't have thought that was too rare either! But come to think of it, I know 50yo people that I wouldn't consider mature so maybe it's not so hard to believe. I'm curious what exactly makes someone mature in your eyes though. I perhaps also associate maturity with calmness. I just find men my age group, still very temperamental. And I don't deal well with short tempered men, because I am not someone who will take the higher road, if someone starts a fight with me, it will become an explosion, and if the man can't control himself, I will totally lose control of myself too and it will blow up. My favourite age group is late 40's, early 50's at the moment. I feel like it's something to do with their chinese zodiac. They got the "earth" elements. Which calms me and they are always calm, mature, and doesn't get rile up easily and most of the time, more kindly amuse and never angry. People my age group are all fiery fire elements. But I believe in chinese zodiac. And I am a metal element, means I am very stubborn and hard to deal with, so fire and metal, always clash.

Cell -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 7:04:27 PM)
If consumed by a strong enough fire, metal melts. Indeed it's by fire that man truly masters metal. ^_~

Greta75 -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 7:08:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cell If consumed by a strong enough fire, metal melts. Indeed it's by fire that man truly masters metal. ^_~ Yea, no fire has melt my metal yet ha!

princessmika -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 7:16:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: ORIGINAL: Cell quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 If only I liked submissive men, the world is my oyster. I wouldn't have thought vanilla men leaning toward dominance was that rare. Weird. Very very rare. They may like dominating you, outside of the bedroom, to look like the man in charge of the relationship infront of others, but in the bedroom, they want to be bottom, they want you to take control in the bedroom, be the creative one, the initiator, the master planner, basically, take over the whole show. That's just usually my experience with vanilla guys. And then I try to top from bottom, which is what I usually do. They want to be "dominated", I tell them what to do, but they still gotta play tops as a condition to interact with me sexually anyway. As I hate being the top. But most of the time, I have to lead in the bedroom, even though I still manipulate it to lead it from bottom. But as a submissive slanted person, I just want the man to lead! And I do say this straightforward to the men. But it doesn't seem to sink in. I mean, they just aren't dominant by nature. I say this with frustration but as I said, I recently met my perfect sexual match mid last year. So his dominant in and out of bedroom, things are wonderful. Same guy I mentioned above who had experience dating a submissive woman in his past. Although he identifies as vanilla, and don't consider himself a dominant, but he takes the lead outside and inside the bedroom. Likes being the decision maker. That makes me happy. A man who don't expect me to make all decisions for us! Great! Great post! I certainly agree with this! It's a bit mind boggling but this has been my experience, too. No matter how seemingly "masculine" a guy is, as soon as we're in the bedroom, a vast majority of these men do want the female to lead. As you said, "lead the whole show". Sometimes even a "time for you to please me" kind of attitude. Crazy and sad, but true in many cases.

Cell -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 7:30:26 PM)
Hmmm, it's not so much a 'dominance' issue you seem to be hinting at... it almost seems like a resentment about having to actually do something instead of having everything done to you. A 'time for you to please me' attitude seems perfectly inline with dominant behaviour, albeit a rather laid back dominance. If this is something along the lines of Greta's issues as well, all I can say to you two is that not physically controlling someone in every situation doesn't constitute a lapse in leadership. Kinda straying into the realm of 'do me' subs here.

Cell -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/1/2016 9:14:19 PM)
Actually I take that back, if term 'lead' is being used as in to lead in dancing... then I suppose one isn't leading if they don't physically direct their partner. But still... I struggle to see that as 'not dominant in the bedroom'.

Greta75 -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/2/2016 12:01:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cell Actually I take that back, if term 'lead' is being used as in to lead in dancing... then I suppose one isn't leading if they don't physically direct their partner. But still... I struggle to see that as 'not dominant in the bedroom'. I am someone who think that if I am riding a man, I am the one, in control and dominating him. So I don't like riding as well. If I am riding him, his submissive to me as far I am concern. I am topping him big time. It brings up all the dominance in me, and I hate feeling it. I am also controlling him big time. I control the ride. Pinning him down. I hate the whole feel of it. So I will meet men who feels the same, who doesn't like a woman on top and usually we mesh better. There are dominants or men who loves their woman on top alot, and it will be disastrous between us. I wouldn't want to sleep with him ever again. Yes, I work best with man who doesn't want me to have any control on any aspect of the sexual play and just keep my hands to myself, and if I wanted to touch him, or do anything to him, I have to ask permission, and he will decide whether I can or cannot touch him, and he will do whatever he wants to me. I like a man who micro manages every aspect of sexual interaction. I like experiencing that type of control. Like my current guy, I get so turn on when he whisper to me, "I think your clit need more attention, I think you need to be tie up a little longer, I think you need more of my belt." Like his not asking me, his telling me, this is what I need and his going to go ahead and do it. His making the decisions. I hate it when a guy just looks at you, and doesn't know what to do, and ask you what you want. Especially when we already pre-discussed what I want. That's usually a sex kill for me. I think what mika is talking about is men who are seemingly masculine, when in the bedroom, just lies back naked, look at you, and ask you to do your stuffs. He lays there, doesn't know what he wants, or what he wants you to do. Wants you to be the creative director of the entire play. That is just sooo off putting. Infact, I think I feel almost being treated like a whore whenever a man does that, except it's like voluntarily whoring for free. Like, did he just pay me for special sex services or something? So I'm suppose to like provide this whole professional sexual experience for him of my expertise? I mean, if I was actually paid to provide that, that's a different story. I respect professionals and what they do, but that's not my line of work. I always feel such man requires a dominant woman who wants to run the show instead. And she will be more than happy for a pliant naked man lying there, awaiting for her orders and whatever she wants to do to "torment him".

princessmika -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/3/2016 4:45:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: ORIGINAL: Cell Actually I take that back, if term 'lead' is being used as in to lead in dancing... then I suppose one isn't leading if they don't physically direct their partner. But still... I struggle to see that as 'not dominant in the bedroom'. I am someone who think that if I am riding a man, I am the one, in control and dominating him. So I don't like riding as well. If I am riding him, his submissive to me as far I am concern. I am topping him big time. It brings up all the dominance in me, and I hate feeling it. I am also controlling him big time. I control the ride. Pinning him down. I hate the whole feel of it. So I will meet men who feels the same, who doesn't like a woman on top and usually we mesh better. There are dominants or men who loves their woman on top alot, and it will be disastrous between us. I wouldn't want to sleep with him ever again. Yes, I work best with man who doesn't want me to have any control on any aspect of the sexual play and just keep my hands to myself, and if I wanted to touch him, or do anything to him, I have to ask permission, and he will decide whether I can or cannot touch him, and he will do whatever he wants to me. I like a man who micro manages every aspect of sexual interaction. I like experiencing that type of control. Like my current guy, I get so turn on when he whisper to me, "I think your clit need more attention, I think you need to be tie up a little longer, I think you need more of my belt." Like his not asking me, his telling me, this is what I need and his going to go ahead and do it. His making the decisions. I hate it when a guy just looks at you, and doesn't know what to do, and ask you what you want. Especially when we already pre-discussed what I want. That's usually a sex kill for me. I think what mika is talking about is men who are seemingly masculine, when in the bedroom, just lies back naked, look at you, and ask you to do your stuffs. He lays there, doesn't know what he wants, or what he wants you to do. Wants you to be the creative director of the entire play. That is just sooo off putting. Infact, I think I feel almost being treated like a whore whenever a man does that, except it's like voluntarily whoring for free. Like, did he just pay me for special sex services or something? So I'm suppose to like provide this whole professional sexual experience for him of my expertise? I mean, if I was actually paid to provide that, that's a different story. I respect professionals and what they do, but that's not my line of work. I always feel such man requires a dominant woman who wants to run the show instead. And she will be more than happy for a pliant naked man lying there, awaiting for her orders and whatever she wants to do to "torment him". The "time for you to please me", I suppose, could be interpreted as a "laid back" dominance to some (it is a command, after all) but, to me, it's more of a "you figure it out and do whatever to please me". I don't think it's very dominant but instead find it to be passive (which is typically a submissive trait). It's as though you must want it very consistently on your own and then decide what you're doing for each sexual session all on your own - perhaps even initiate it in many cases. It's like this weird attitude of entitlement, like, hey, I'm just so sexy and great - please me, do everything, decide everything. Haha, it's pretty lame. Unimpressive, even. It's a bit hard to explain but hopefully that makes sense. It just went along with the point that many vanilla type masculine guys can not so easily be dominant in the bedroom. I have experienced this quite a few times, in my dating history. In their defense, I'm pretty tough shell to crack. I'm a domme every day to my subs that serve me as Princess Mika. It takes an extra dominant guy (along with the right personality, hobbies and interests, of course) to get me to swoon. :)

Cell -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/4/2016 4:51:22 PM)
Well, it's an interesting insight into mind of some subs I guess... I couldn't be on top the whole time, it's hard work lol... so I swap positions a lot and one of those positions is having the girl on top. Frankly, I'd probably lose my boner out of boredom if I was on top the whole time, but come to think of it I've had girlfriends who complained about not liking being on top... But hell, I'm lazy too! Sometimes I just want to lay back and have stuff done to me and the only way I am controlling things is verbally. That may not fulfill a sexually dominant ideal but I really don't see it as the girl being dominant when she is on top. I mean it's not like I lose control. I'll just tell her how to fuck me. I wonder if you two still consider it no a dominant position if the guy is dictating how to do it... Whatever the case, I don't think anyone can be on top all the time. It would get boring.

princessmika -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/4/2016 5:06:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cell Well, it's an interesting insight into mind of some subs I guess... I couldn't be on top the whole time, it's hard work lol... so I swap positions a lot and one of those positions is having the girl on top. Frankly, I'd probably lose my boner out of boredom if I was on top the whole time, but come to think of it I've had girlfriends who complained about not liking being on top... But hell, I'm lazy too! Sometimes I just want to lay back and have stuff done to me and the only way I am controlling things is verbally. That may not fulfill a sexually dominant ideal but I really don't see it as the girl being dominant when she is on top. I mean it's not like I lose control. I'll just tell her how to fuck me. I wonder if you two still consider it no a dominant position if the guy is dictating how to do it... Whatever the case, I don't think anyone can be on top all the time. It would get boring. Haha, well, to clarify, I'm not talking about one or a few sexual encounters throughout the span of a partnership. Surely, this scenario is okay sometimes. I was more talking about the big picture in that it's like this the majority of time.. which is so not dominant, you know? ^_^

JeffBC -> RE: From vanilla to BDSM/DS. (2/5/2016 4:13:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Cell Anyone here have any anecdotes about pursuing kink with a vanilla partner they'd like to share? Or any lessons learned regarding turning a vanilla relationship into kinky one? Sure. Carol and I were vanilla when we married and for the first 10 years. I ran into kink online in a virtual world. She thought it might improve our sex life if she was my "sex slave". I countered with "slave slave". She agreed to give it a try. Honestly, it's not very dramatic. It's just two people who love each other who want to be the best partner we could be. If either Carol or I professed a strong interest in anything the other would, at a minimum, want to give it an honest try. Taking this out of the kink realm, I encouraged (read that as commanded) her to take up a career as an oil painter. So I suddenly took an interest in the arts like I've never had before so I could participate with her. Same deal. One supports the other.

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