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Siphus -> [21/M/Online] English sub seeking intelligent (caring?) Domme for self discovery and conversation (1/30/2016 1:35:40 AM)
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Who am I?
I'm a healthcare worker that deals mostly with dementia when I'm not studying Psychology at university, living in the United Kingdom. It's tough work for the minimum wage, and quite frankly given my family's background and resources I don't need to be doing it. But before I did this work I hadn't done an honest day's labour in my life, and it has changed me for the better. It has also rolled a lot of the meekness out of me. I don't take shit quite as willingly anymore. I like the person this work has made me become, so I'm going to keep doing it until I'm done with my BSc.
I'm a strong believer in practical compassion. Caring for others is important, it is what makes us effective as a species and what makes us truly develop as characters. However, compassion need not make you a simpering twit. There are plenty of compassionate people, but far too few practical ones. I was always a sensitive child, and I had much toughening up to do as I grew up. As a result I'm seen as a brooding and cold person, but that is far from the truth of it. Yes, to an extent, I no longer know where I begin and my "armour" ends. But I know what I am, and it is not a heartless thing, as cold as many of my actions seem to others. My high emotion remains private. I like to think despite my nature I am made of stronger stuff.
Compassion was always what drove me, growing up. I lost it along the way, along with many things, in a period of debilitation that took me a year to recover from - and I did not recover through comfortable means. I still choose compassionate work and actions, I admit, in the hope that if I do enough for others I will resuscitate the strong love for my fellow man that I have lost. As much as I want it back, it isn't working. But I'm going to keep trying. I feel nothing at all when I do good for others, and I'd like that to change. All I feel within this context is anger if they do not have their dignity, or a desire to change things if they are not happy - those are what drive me to do good.
The majority of my week is spent alone. I haven't made friends at this university. I've given it a sincere shot. The people just aren't enthusiastic about the subject - shared enthusiasm is how I like to make friends. While I was shy once, I reckon I'm pretty charismatic in person now; I can certainly make friends, but these aren't the friends I want. So I spend most of my week without talking to anyone. And it's difficult, doing that. But I am uniquely adapted to deal with solitude, while it is unpleasant, if anyone should have to endure it, it ought to be me.
My personal values are fortitude, adaptability, perseverance (as evidenced by the length of this thread) and dignity.
I love spending my time gaming, reading, walking and cycling.
I'm an extremely wilful individual, and my exercise and weightlifting is very important to me.
I'd love to get into tabletop gaming more properly, as well as birdwatching.
I tried getting into meditation due to empirical reports of its health benefits but I got lazy.
I intend to join a first aid society soon, as I think it'll have the kind of people I'd want to know, as well as building on top of my current first aid training.
I'm told incredibly frequently, for something like this, that I have a nice voice. And I'm quite good at Skyping. I'll make ya laugh, or you'll get a full refund.
Of your time.
Once I figure out how to do that.
What kind of submissive am I?
As for me as a sub, it's pretty simple;
I'm completely sexually inexperienced. I'll get that out of the way. I've never, in fact, experienced any manner of romantic affection. It's just not how life has worked out for me. The few people that have shown interest in me were not at all my type.
That being said, I'm not by any means desperate. If you see the thread, I have been contacted by people, and that should have been that. But it wasn't, and I am still looking for the right match. That isn't to say there has been anything wrong with those who contacted me, moreso that I am something like that dodgy piece of a jigsaw that you just can't make any sodding sense of where it goes.
Which is also an apt description of my understanding of sex.
Har har. No, I'm a virgin, not a mormon, I know how the uglies are bumped.
I reckon I'm waffling at this point, so I'll get down to brass tacks. While I consider myself straight, I'm not at all aroused by female genitals. I'm just not. My sexuality entirely revolves around pegging and strap ons, and any D/s interaction I have is going to have to be based on that. I understand that might not be satisfying for some people, and that's why I'm in this search for the long haul; I don't want to submit to anyone who can't be happy with me as a submissive. I have to find someone that fits.
What do I want?
What I want right now is an online interaction that can help me get comfortable with my submissive sexuality and self. I really don't like delayed, email-like messages, and much prefer IMing, so I really do want to use Skype to talk to anyone who's serious about being my friend. I'm also not really impressed by people who refuse to show their faces to me when I've completely put myself out there for them. It's not fair, and I don't stick about for unfair deals.
Submission is a valuable thing to me. It can't happen without real respect. If I think someone is a bit of a div, I'm going to end up laughing on my knees. And my laugh is pretty infamous. It's a cackle that fills houses. If you never hear it from me, please don't ask why. Someone asked me before why I never laugh like that around them. What can I possibly say aside from "Well you're not that funny"?
So what is someone I can respect? Someone intelligent, dignified and moral - I don't really mind what moral code they have, so long as it's clear, rational and something they adhere to - a lot of people consider me really quite morally stark, but the case is moreso that I know what few morals I hold to be worth upholding and I stick to them, anything else is fair game. Don't get the impression from this that I'm looking for anything more than an online D/s interaction based around pegging and strap ons - but I can't have that interaction in any satisfying way unless I can feel comfortable looking up to the person who wants me on my knees. My sense of dignity is a powerful thing, and it is not wounded if I feel dignified in submitting to someone. Humiliation is fine, but not to someone I can't take seriously.
I have a rather thorough understanding of how my submissive sexuality came to be, I won't bore you with the details here, but I know quite well what I want, and that is, aside from sexual gratification, to feel wanted.
That's what it's all really about for me. To feel wanted is something that I cannot feel unless I am /so wanted/ I cannot leave, ergo, cuffed or tied up.
I get that some people think I'm some sort of mysterious guy - and they see all my brooding and seething and want to get in my head, be the one to sort it all out.
Fine. Knock yourself out. I could probably benefit from someone else understanding this mess in my skull. But I'm liable to bite your hand while you're rooting around in my head: so be able to deal with that, or don't bother. You've been warned; I didn't ask for your help, though I'll hesitantly take it.
What's the catch?
Well. Firstly, you'd have to be fine with everything I've said so far; which I imagine is unlikely.
Secondly, I've been misunderstood as someone with multiple personalities before. I am not such a person, I'm just a bit of a nuanced character. Who I am when I'm turned on is a very different animal to who I am when I'm not - and anyone that dominates me is going to have to be careful and ready for the fact that the moment I cum (if I get to at all) I will immediately revert to the state of mind I am in when I wrote this. No more timidity, no more whimpering, all that will be in my head will be a desire for space and respect. I'm more than willing to work with people on this - I'm not going to lop your head off for not untying me fast enough. I'm pretty considerate really. But I have to be honest and forthcoming with this facet of myself - my sexual self is submissive, but the rest of me is not.
If you've got this far, thanks for your time and attention.
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