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Advice please... - 3/1/2016 9:43:08 PM

xyzee

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2016
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My situation. My husband says he is poly. Out of the blue a few years ago. States he always has been knowing I am not and was hoping over the years I would be too. Not so much.My husdom whom I love dearly and try to please in every way and I spoke. We ended up with a girl who was like 19 years younger than I started a triad of sorts. Se turned out to be the devil in disguise. No need to go into details there but she devil for sure. It ended and approx. 2 years go by. I started mentoring a woman closer to my age and i adore her.I donot consider myself by but I do play with girls no oral and up until the other night had not touched me .
I always told my husdom I could share his dominance and dick but not his heart. After she devil we decided we could do poly fuckery. The girl I mentored ended up being our third. During oor negotions we thought it best to be poly fuckery. in dec I found out that love was involved...the saying of I loes etc,i am hurt mad and everything in between. to date he has broken almost all of the terms we cane up with. I love her too but it kills me a littleeach day that he could love her.. and wants to include her in our world as much ss possible.
I am heartbroken. I do not know what to do and I am not sure which is worse ..me leaving or suffering along this path. Any and all advice is accepted

RE: Advice please... - 3/1/2016 9:58:35 PM

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Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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There are a whole lot of things going on, here.

First: let me say that I am sorry that your husband decided to be dishonest with you in that he chose to hide a major component of who he is (polyamorous). It gives honest people who espouse polyamory a bad name.

I have a hard-and-fast rule about dishonesty. I won't tolerate it, in any way, shape or form. I am NOT saying that you should end the situation, out of hand. I am just telling you my experience.

I think you might need to examine some things, though, too. I'm guessing you define "polyfuckery" as having sex with people and that's it; just sex. No emotions? I honestly don't think I know too many people that can do that. I know I wouldn't want to have a relationship with anyone that could do that because that speaks to a certain level of sociopath tendencies.

So, you're at a cross-roads. You can accept your husband for the lying but loving person he appears to be or you can say: "No. I can't do this."

One last caution: before you make any final decision, please give some thought to what it is that's really bothering you. Do you find non-monogamy all that intolerable or are you, maybe, a bit possessive? I'm not saying possessiveness is a bad thing, necessarily, but is that the person you want to be?

Just some thoughts. I wish you well.

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/1/2016 10:06:30 PM

xyzee

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2016
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I am trying to do this with Him and her ,,,I was only trying for him but now for me too. But the thought of sharing love makes me crazy. She tells me she is not in love with him but I think I know beter. I want if I am to satisfy him in anyway a fuck friend. he however feels differently... I don't want to throw my marrage away but I am sad

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

RE: Advice please... - 3/1/2016 10:44:06 PM

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xyzee

I am trying to do this with Him and her ,,,I was only trying for him but now for me too. But the thought of sharing love makes me crazy. She tells me she is not in love with him but I think I know beter. I want if I am to satisfy him in anyway a fuck friend. he however feels differently... I don't want to throw my marrage away but I am sad

I have some different ideas, based upon this post (You're giving information in bits and pieces).

The part I highlighted in red tells me (I think) that you want to have some kind of a relationship with this girl, even if only a sexual one because you WANT her? If that's the case, then you're half-way to a workable solution.

The part I highlighted in pink is probably the real bone of contention. Well, as long as he doesn't treat you any differently because of someone else, what's the issue? Unfortunately, I'm going back to: possessive.

Possessiveness is not a good element for romantic relationships. I understand it happens and I am NOT putting you down for it, but please remember: possessiveness is a form of selfishness.

So, you're in a bind. You need to sit down with yourself and really figure out what you can and cannot tolerate.

Once you've done that, you need to sit down with your husband and tell him the conclusions to which you've come.

Good luck.

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/1/2016 11:49:44 PM

Posts: 32563
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So basically, he's changed the rules on you twice. That's not exactly what a lot of people would call ethical poly, which is where some would say the definition between cheating and poly lies. He wasn't straight with you and there's definitely a problem with that.

Michael (DaddySatyr) has a pretty decent thing going up in his response if YOU were poly. In my opinion, you are not necessarily poly just because your husband happens to be. There are plenty of monogamous people who do just fine being possessive of their spouse due to the fact that they aren't planning on sharing them with others in romantic and/or sexual ways. You might very well be monogamy minded and that's going to be difficult for you *if* you decide to continue. People can give you opinions or tell you what they would do in your position but that decision is going to ultimately be yours.

If you say you want to try, you have to try wholeheartedly. My personality type just doesn't work with a "you're happy, I'm miserable, but I'm going to sacrifice my happiness for you" kind of way. If I can't get my happiness out of the deal, it's probably dead in the water. What I mean by that is YOU have to get some joy out of this, too, if it's going to work. How can we make that possible?

I empathize with you. I really do.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

RE: Advice please... - 3/2/2016 1:19:20 PM

xyzee

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2016
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Thank You for the responses. I apologize for the grammar mess above. I was melting down. Still am only have it under control better today. The woman that is with us is a great person. I miss and long for the days of Him and I . At times he appears moody if she doesn't come over etc... This is so hard. This is/was suppose to be our happily ever after.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Advice please... - 3/2/2016 2:32:14 PM

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I really do feel sad for you. It seems that you are obviously upset and not terribly happy with the way this is working out. The only positive that I'm seeing is the fact that you like this other person and she's a good person. At least that helps.

What I'm wondering from your last post is are you getting any valuable relationship time from your husband? Is he caught up in something that poly people call New Relationship Energy? NRE is basically the time period where the new relationship is fresh, everything is exciting, and in some cases, people get carried away. The problem with this is that the partner in the long established relationship sometimes gets neglected and the main relationship suffers. The established partner can feel ignored, unimportant, unloved, and generally just kicked aside while the other partner with the new relationship is starry-eyed and floating on cloud nine. Huge imbalance there and it can lead to a lot of problems.

The way to balance it out is to make sure the established relationship is still being fed. The person who has the two relationships has to put in the quality time and effort so the person they've been with longer isn't feeling neglected. It's absolutely normal for the spouse to want some reassurance that they are still valued. I'm not sure if that's happening right now for you.

Edited for some really weird phrasing on my part.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 3/2/2016 2:33:41 PM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/2/2016 9:22:41 PM

xyzee

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2016
Status: offline

This is very hard and sad. I do not want to discuss it with my friends, because I do not want them to form different opinions of them on my behalf. Yes, You are correct the only thing that is good is that she is a good person. She tries to assure me she loves my husband but is not in love with him. She states she is in love with us, and if it is not us then she feels she would have to go. I am not bi, but not bi scared so to speak. I am not very comfortable with that aspect, but really that isn't where my problems lay. I could adjust and maybe even like it better than I do currently. I feel a open minded. Latley he has been trying to show me attention and if he has an issue with her, I can see he is not trying to take it on me. But for how long? I do not know if it will continue. We see her once sometimes twice a week she has 2 pre teens and is in school . She is a few years older than us. Normally all BDSM events she is with us. We have his son every other week, so yes I feel like our relationship is set aside for all else. Don't get me wrong I am not mad about having my stepson come at all. There just is no time for me. And even the limited times there are feel full of tension. I am coming close to my wits end. Thank You for talking with me.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Advice please... - 3/3/2016 5:30:26 AM

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I'm not sure how to say this delicately.

Poly is absolutely not easy. It requires a lot of good communication skills, and caring about everyone in the dynamic.

Your husband is crap at poly. He is showing that he can barely handle the mono relationship with you, and he wants poly. He's supposed to be driving things, and he's botched it twice.

Is there a way to smack him in the face with it? Something like

"Why have all our attempts at poly sucked?"

"I've been feeling neglected every time we've attempted poly. Why Is that?"

"Are there general guidelines to poly that we're not following? "

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/3/2016 6:50:20 AM

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Joined: 11/4/2015
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Few people are designed for 3somes, fewer still people are designed for poly relationships and they more often than not end with divorced/separation.
Why in essence people have feelings. Someone always gets hurt/jelous/angry/possesive, sometimes both, or all parties.
I am afraid I have nothing else to add to this one. There are many roads, but in essence they often lead to the same journey endpoint in these types of relationships.

Why do people say they want poly relationships – well in essence most do not it is often an approach favoured by married men, rarer a women, as a mechanism, or justification to cheat. This is for almost all who claim this is what they wish ( I said almost all).

Sometimes its health issues, loss of libido (sex drive) and so on – sometimes it is valid point that requires careful consideration. But again even most of these end in calamity.

not seen you for a wee bit darksteven
Poly is absolutely not easy...I concur entirely.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Advice please... - 3/3/2016 3:31:20 PM

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I am definitely not poly, but I like to read this section to understand how other people are wired. Very interesting to me.
I am very sorry for your emotional pain, that would be very painful.
I'd like to just share this.
I am a generous person EXCEPT with my partner. That is sacred to me. I am jealous and possessive then.
Call it a negative trait but that's just the way it is.
I have friends I love very much but I wouldn't want them sleeping with my husband. Why? I'm just not the type to handle that. It would be a train wreck.
I tell you this because I considered poly once and found out I am definitely not.
This might be the case for you too. I need to feel number one in my marriage.

_____________________________

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http://youtu.be/Gl9AGlbe3YU

(in reply to WickedsDesire)

RE: Advice please... - 3/4/2016 9:38:15 AM

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(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/8/2016 9:52:42 AM

theHouseofAvalon

Posts: 87
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xyzee

My situation. My husband says he is poly. Out of the blue a few years ago. States he always has been knowing I am not and was hoping over the years I would be too. Not so much.My husdom whom I love dearly and try to please in every way and I spoke. We ended up with a girl who was like 19 years younger than I started a triad of sorts. Se turned out to be the devil in disguise. No need to go into details there but she devil for sure. It ended and approx. 2 years go by. I started mentoring a woman closer to my age and i adore her.I donot consider myself by but I do play with girls no oral and up until the other night had not touched me .
I always told my husdom I could share his dominance and dick but not his heart. After she devil we decided we could do poly fuckery. The girl I mentored ended up being our third. During oor negotions we thought it best to be poly fuckery. in dec I found out that love was involved...the saying of I loes etc,i am hurt mad and everything in between. to date he has broken almost all of the terms we cane up with. I love her too but it kills me a littleeach day that he could love her.. and wants to include her in our world as much ss possible.
I am heartbroken. I do not know what to do and I am not sure which is worse ..me leaving or suffering along this path. Any and all advice is accepted

You are at fault. You are a woman and so know very well what happens when a woman enters a relationship both physical and long term, namely it is no longer only physical. Women are wired this way and you knew it. He, however may not and that is no fault of his. So forget holding him responsible and decide if you want another woman in this mix or not and quit pretending you are the only one hurt here.

The Master of the House.

(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/8/2016 12:34:04 PM

xyzee

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2016
Status: offline

I am not pretending to be anything except for how I feel . Perhaps you need more details of my situation. If you read above , our talk HE and I .... I could sure dominance and dick not love. He knew that going in . This was suppose to be a fuck friend situation. NOT all women are wired that way. I really just wanted one thing just for me. So no matter who is at fault and the way I see it all 3 of us are, I was just seeking advise, not a whose fault, woman are this or that...and for the record my feelings are real.
Have a good day. The Master of the House, your advice is not needed thank you.

(in reply to theHouseofAvalon)

RE: Advice please... - 3/8/2016 1:04:23 PM

theHouseofAvalon

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Joined: 1/9/2016
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xyzee

I am not pretending to be anything except for how I feel . Perhaps you need more details of my situation. If you read above , our talk HE and I .... I could sure dominance and dick not love. He knew that going in . This was suppose to be a fuck friend situation. NOT all women are wired that way. I really just wanted one thing just for me. So no matter who is at fault and the way I see it all 3 of us are, I was just seeking advise, not a whose fault, woman are this or that...and for the record my feelings are real.
Have a good day. The Master of the House, your advice is not needed thank you.

Let me point out that doing things your way has not worked and also point our that just because you feel all women are not wired this way it makes not a difference because the woman you referred to is wired this way and you should have known it would happen this way. Hell, I do and I'm not a woman, but many men don't realize this and yours does not nor is he capable of ignoring his feeling and his passion awakened for this other woman, a passion one would fully expect to take hold even when foolish enough to believe at first that setting rules and limit will somehow curb human natural passions.
I don't need more details and you cannot continue to rationalize your failure to realize what would happen before agreeing to this new "fuck friend", as you call her, and pretending your husband fucking her over time will somehow not affect their passions for each other. You are a fool to think otherwise and as bad a fool not to take my advice.

My advice was clearly needed here.

The Master of The House.

(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/8/2016 2:16:55 PM

xyzee

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2016
Status: offline

Name calling is not advice. I feel bad for those around you. I get I put this in a public forum. But not to be bashed. Advice .. other points of views..

(in reply to theHouseofAvalon)

RE: Advice please... - 3/8/2016 2:25:06 PM

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Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xyzee

Name calling is not advice. I feel bad for those around you. I get I put this in a public forum. But not to be bashed. Advice .. other points of views..

Aaaannnndddd remember that you are on a forum full of sadists that can/could/will get a chuckle out of offering bad advice.

Ask crumpets how that Klingon I taught him worked out for him ;)

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/8/2016 2:26:29 PM

xyzee

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2016
Status: offline

That's the best advice yet , Thank You

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Advice please... - 3/8/2016 3:57:20 PM

Posts: 32563
Status: offline

Wellllll, I'm totally confused now because I thought it was the husband who fell in love with the additional party but it wasn't being seen that way by the other woman.

While I would tend to agree that women more often become emotionally bonded due to a sexual relationship, it's certainly not a universal thing. I'm sure plenty of women could site cases where it certainly didn't happen to the guy they were sleeping with. (That would surely turn into a twenty pager for Shifty.)

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to xyzee)

RE: Advice please... - 3/8/2016 4:19:53 PM

Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xyzee

Name calling is not advice. I feel bad for those around you. I get I put this in a public forum. But not to be bashed. Advice .. other points of views..

The post that prompted you to respond with this is bullshit. Ignore TheHouseofAsshat and his warped advice. Yes you put this in a public forum, and therefore anyone with any opinion can respond. You have no control over that. But just because they say it doesn't mean that they have "added any value to the thread", as one prolific poster puts it.

Aside from that, you are getting some valuable food for thought.

(in reply to xyzee)

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