Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (Full Version)

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duskraven39 -> Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/7/2016 3:34:35 PM)

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated. thank you for your time.



OsideGirl -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/7/2016 5:20:41 PM)

First off - Why do you think that you can't be a Gentleman and a Sadist?

I would highly suggest finding groups, demonstrations and discussion groups near you and attending as many as possible to learn.

And lastly - I'm going to caution you about this statement: "treat my slave how they should be". Other than being abusive, there is no right or wrong way "to treat" your slave. It's all about what the two of you agree to and what works for you. Don't fall into the trap that the internet perpetuates.



DarkSteven -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/7/2016 5:41:23 PM)

Welcome to the site.

I second OsideGirl's suggestion to get into the community. I'm not sure how easy that will be in Vegas. Basically, I suspect that you have several preconceptions about how things are, that may not be true.

Note that being a Dom is a relationship kind of thing. So that you're not dressed in leather 24/7 with a woman on a leash - most of the time you're taking out the garbage or paying bills.

I hate to admit this, but I've found that a lot of venues discriminate against young men claiming to be Doms. You'll need some time to get past this misperception.

I'd suggest you look into the Daddy Dom/little girl lifestyle. That might be close to what you seek.



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/7/2016 6:21:40 PM)

quote:

i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount

Not necessarily, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you are the dom you are.



DesFIP -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/7/2016 7:58:26 PM)

We are equal. I am an integral part of the relationship. So our value is equal, only the authority is not.

But we see examples of this every day. A doctor can't operate without the OR nurse and the anesthesiologist. They are equal in value to the surgeon, even if not equal in authority.

A movie director holds the authority but he couldn't produce a film without actors, cameramen, etc. equal in value, not authority.



DesFIP -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/7/2016 7:59:27 PM)

We are equal. I am an integral part of the relationship. So our value is equal, only the authority is not.

But we see examples of this every day. A doctor can't operate without the OR nurse and the anesthesiologist. They are equal in value to the surgeon, even if not equal in authority.

A movie director holds the authority but he couldn't produce a film without actors, cameramen, etc. equal in value, not authority.



JeffBC -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/7/2016 10:30:42 PM)

Given your profile, I think the kinksters here are going to give you better answers than I will. The one thing I'll say is this. You are not going to find rules for how to have a relationship, what it means to be a master, or what it means to be a slave. Humans simply don't fit into tidy little boxes like that. I feel like one or more people along your path have given you the golden rules of BDSM.

There is no one true way. There is simply you and your willingness and ability to step up and mold a relationship to [more or less] match your desires.

If it helps any, my question around the equality thing was, "By what right do I assume authority over Carol?" The answer is, "Because I can. Because I want to. Because it works and makes a happy marriage." There.... equality dispensed with.



LilJuly76 -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/8/2016 5:15:36 AM)

I'm with OsideGirl

and definitely go out and learn about D/s in your local community, forget about the online stuff, most of that is malarky. It's best to get information from real experienced people.

and like others have stated there is no one true way so don't believe that either. But eventually when you are ready to have a D/s relationship communicate, communicate, communicate, can't stress this enough.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/8/2016 1:58:48 PM)

If you think " letting go of my old gentlemanly habits is paramount" to being a better Dom, you have a dire misconception of what BDSM, being a Dominant and the lifestyle is about. I suggest you read up a little bit to get a working foundation of the concepts in BDSM. There is a great book list, the result of the collective efforts of CollarChat members.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

The Topping Book might be a good start, although I expect many will also suggest The Loving Dominant. Anyone got a better recommendation?



LilJuly76 -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/8/2016 2:51:44 PM)

the loving Dominant is a good place to start, would also suggest he shouldn't start with any S & M activities until he has studied how to do those activities



Awareness -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (7/8/2016 10:07:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated. thank you for your time.
Study pickup. Nothing will rid you faster of your illusions about women. It'll also make you a much better man... eventually.

Fuck your slave. You're supposed to treat her how YOU want, not how SHE wants. Jesus Christ, dude.



Bunnicula -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (8/12/2016 6:42:45 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated. thank you for your time.


First thing you do is talk to her. No d/s, no kink, just an honest discussion about what you both want from the relationship. Once you get some understanding of what she's looking for, then decide whether it's what you're looking for. At this point she should be thinking about what you want meshes with what she wants.

In my early days of d/s relationships I dated several people. One was a lovely guy who did everything I wanted. Everything. Nothing that he wanted - it was all me. It felt like I was running the relationship and it died. One was a lovely guy who came in all hard-ass and behaved like Kim Jong-il with a migraine as bad as his haircut. Nothing that I wanted, everything that he wanted. I felt unvalued and unloved and the relationship died.

My current boss and I talked. And talked and talked and talked. We tried stuff. Some worked, some didn't. The stuff that didn't, we discussed and either adjusted or discarded. We've been together 8 years now and we still talk. We started out slowly, as his submissive for a year or so and then his slave. He's my Master and I will do everything he says because I know he understands me and our relationship.

That's how my relationship works. Everyone's is different. My idea of a crap relationship may be someone else's idea of a perfect relationship. But you'll only find out through communication and not listening to online warriors who proclaim ONE TWUE WAY! for bdsm.

Get out, meet other kinksters, talk, watch, listen and learn.

Good luck!



Gauge -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (8/12/2016 10:19:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle


If you are new, don't claim to be a master. Perhaps it is a matter of semantics for me, but embrace the fact that you are new and learning. You need a good, solid foundation before you begin to master anything in life. Everyone here was new at one point or another, it takes time to learn and grow, to find your likes and dislikes, and what is practical and impractical.

quote:

and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount


BDSM is a relationship like any other, and unlike any other. Double talk? Kind of, yes, but no less true. I too was raised believing in equality, and I still do believe in that. Why you think that has to go out the door is beyond me. Now, if you simply mean that you must adjust the wiring in your head to mold yourself into the dominant you would like to be, sure... I get that.

Never forget something, being a dominant doesn't mean that you must be an asshole, you can still be a gentleman, and in fact, you should be a gentleman. It makes that transition to the sadistic fuck all the more pleasurable... at least it does for me anyway.

quote:

i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me


It has been said on these boards many times before, you either are a dominant or you are not. No one can train you to be one. If you mean simply that you want advice and training to embrace the dominant that you know you are, that is different. I have always been dominant, but you would not have known it because there were some very powerful women around me my whole life. I came into my own after my divorce and discovered what I knew all along, and I never looked back.

quote:

so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated.


You have gotten great advice already. I will just stress a few things to you. First of all, be yourself. You are who you are, don't try to be something you are not. There are varying roles within the catchall BDSM "umbrella", find yours. Beware of labels... meaning, your version of "Master" may differ greatly from mine or others. Find what works for you and do that.

Before I ever lay a hand on a submissive, I discuss, at length, likes, dislikes, hard and soft limits, health concerns, potential triggers and so on. Communication is the key here. Understand this, after this discussion takes place, then I am in control of what happens when I do lay hands on my sub. I operate within the discussed limitations, but my sub has no fucking clue what is going to happen, all she knows is that she can trust me. The communication does not end there... after playtime is over, I will discuss what we did and based on feedback, I can adjust what I am doing.

Be patient. If you are new, this will take some time. Don't rush into something you may not be prepared for quite yet. If you are just looking to get some kinky sex, that's fine, but playing with feathery handcuffs is one thing, playing with real ones is another. If you want to get into this because you think that kinky women are easy... yeah... not so much. They may well be "easy" but they also know what they are looking for and because this is the Internet, they can be picky... and I do not blame them.

Read a lot. The book list that Resident Sadist linked to you is a wealth of information. And don't just read books on being dominant, read a few books about being a submissive too, it's good to know both sides of this dynamic.

I wish you all the best in your journey.

Edited to add: *sigh* I should have looked at the date on the OP. Oh well.



Bhruic -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (8/12/2016 11:13:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39
... i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount ...


First I would suggest not starting off with any preconceived notions of what it means to be a Dominant. Domination is all about assertiveness, confidence and control... not the least of which, self control. If it is in you to be a Dominant, then it is for you to explore what that means to you, and what you derive from it.

Other than that... I would just caution that poor punctuation and a lack of attention to detail when writing does not reflect well on the Dominant, in my opinion. Take some care with that.

And be aware that a submissive has as much to teach a Dom about being Dominant, as the Dominant has to teach the submissive about submission... in keeping with the other good advice above.



Bunnicula -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (8/13/2016 5:17:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge



Edited to add: *sigh* I should have looked at the date on the OP. Oh well.


Me too...oops! [:D]



WickedsDesire -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (8/13/2016 7:47:12 AM)

DesFIP We are equal. I am an integral part of the relationship. So our value is equal..well up to there…what really a good answer….

I am the electromagnetic spectrum..the rainbow bit of my profile is a trick btw,

There is no such thing as a master or slave trust me.

There exists a vast abundance of bad stereotypes, misconceptions and so on.

Your profile and lack of creature warrants no more words from me



BitaTruble -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (8/13/2016 11:26:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated. thank you for your time.
I read this and got an image of a skinny dude wearin combat boots.. naked save a leather collar and leather cuffs..hands behind back, on knees, head bowed..and it made me want to beat you.

I never was a gentleman though and I don't often get accused of being a lady..a charge I would vehemently deny if such were leveled.

My point in this is for you to do what comes naturally..the ones who follow you naturally are your pool. If you are a gentleman..then be that otherwise the mask you want to wear will slip and then it will all go to shit.




Awareness -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (8/13/2016 1:52:09 PM)

Run. You'll find naught here but mental illness and social ineptitude.



Kana -> RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. (8/17/2016 3:58:01 PM)

quote:

First off - Why do you think that you can't be a Gentleman and a Sadist?

I for one, always take care to call her "My Dear" and try to sip my tea with a finger pointing out when I am beating her into a bleeding sobbing ragged mess on the floor.
Though, I must confess, I do find it rather tawdry when she stains my broughams with her insipid tears



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