amayos
Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LiliesDoGrow
Without going into brutal boring details, I was assaulted and left for dead several years ago by a man I felt I could trust with my being. I knew him for three years. As soon as I let down my guard, placed my trust, love, heart, submission in his hands, he turned into a different person. (Yeah, the story that never ends.)
Since then, I've suffered severe panic attacks to the point of passing out. Although I am on this site, (mostly enjoying the forums and the wisdom written here,) I am absolutely empty inside where it comes to wishing to submit to a man ever again. Which surprises me because I usually can bounce back from adversity. I'm mad at myself for allowing another to cause my spirit to diminish .I'm angry, hateful, teary and depressed most days with this feeling of dread and hopelessness that never goes away. I've talked to therapist about the attack, but it's difficult when they don't understand how deeply I had to go into my inner resources to release my well honed control in order to be the submissive that I felt this "man" deserved and desired only to be beaten up like piece of worthless meat. It was the hardest decision I've made to this date to give over my trust.
How has anyone else handled a situation where they felt that perhaps they are too wounded for this "lifestyle"?
(Forgive me. I've not worded this post how I wish my feelings to come across. Part of my problem since the attack is the inability to communicate on the level I was able to prior to my injuries. I hope I made some sense.)
Oh, you needn't worry. "Lacking submissive hunger" is a quality I'd associate with many proud wolves in sheeps clothing running amok in the lifestyle. You say you often bounce back from adversity, and this is good, though I would inquire as to how and why.
The cruelty of abusive conditioning—particularly in formative years—lends one to be somewhat powerless before those with domineering personalities, more so when these personalities are, by virtue of persona or consciously cruel act, associated with traumatic events familiar to that conditioning. The nefarious and cunning often take advantage of this predisposition, either consciously or unconsciously. Predation will either manipulate with further cruelty or will don a pleasing mask, to coddle and nurse the dark seed put in you by a past trauma.
Personally, I would suggest you tread carefully among those men who would dominate you. Question if your perceived choice and free will is indeed thus. Observe what draws you and what is drawn to you. Work to reassociate yourself with a fully sovereign desire before seeking out one to serve, otherwise you may run the risk of idolizing in a man the very spirit that is your ruiner.
If the past is truly past, let it rest, and not allow its ghost to steer you directly back into the path of what you fear. This is easy enough to wave away, but that is part of the insidious design. For if one conforms or proudly rebels, it makes little difference; one is still so often under the power of what is hated. Returning to fully owning your motives and objectivity is the key, but this is so often a slippery slope. Those who do not undertake this with due reflection and heed will fall. They do so all the time. ;)
I wish you well.
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