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A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 10:32:06 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/15/2016
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Hello

I am hoping you can help me out with some basic questions, as I'm just beginning to explore this world. As this is an anonymous site, I hope I can be totally honest and get some good advice and guidance.

I am autistic (Asperger's Syndrome) and was diagnosed as an adult. To cut a long story short, it's been a journey of huge self-discovery, and I have felt more able to be 'me', which has been liberating. Part of being me is to be dominant. I have experimented (beyond 'kink') with just one person, but the relief and enjoyment was huge (and apparently I am good with a cane... who knew?!). Without going into a long lecture on autism, I think there is a real connection with being dominant and many autistic traits, so I am keen to further explore this side of myself. It's not about whips and chains (although...!), but more about my being able to take control, whilst knowing that the other person is enjoying that and not having to worry about how I'm coming across all the time.

However...

I am not single. And I would be exploring this secretly without my partner knowing.

I would like to ask whether this is normal and/or acceptable in this world, or whether this is something that would offend anyone I approached on the collarspace site, which I would not want to do.

Thank you in advance for your advice and thoughts.

< Message edited by DizzyHeights21 -- 8/17/2016 10:35:56 AM >

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 10:40:38 AM

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

Personally, I don't get involved with someone who is involved in a relationship. I couldn't trust someone who snuck around behind his/her SO's back.

But...that's just me.

_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to DizzyHeights21)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 10:44:10 AM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DizzyHeights21

I am not single. And I would be exploring this secretly without my partner knowing.

I would like to ask whether this is normal and/or acceptable in this world, or whether this is something that would offend anyone I approached on the collarspace site, which I would not want to do.

Thank you in advance for your advice and thoughts.

You're lying to the most important person in your life.

A submissive is literally putting their lives in your hands...and you've already proven that you will lie to the most important person in your life.

While you might find some fellow cheaters that are willing to take you on, you'll find that most will have no interest in being with someone untrustworthy.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DizzyHeights21)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 11:46:11 AM

Posts: 23
Joined: 8/16/2016
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Not necessarily speaking as someone who has been around here long or an expert on anything here, I think the following questions might be in order:

Have you ever attempted to discuss theses desires with your SO?

What are the consequences of your actions should you be caught? My book, if you do partake, you must live with consequences of YOU breaking your vows not YOUR partners fault at all. You must be ready to accept utter responsibility.

Are you willing to accept those consequences unconditionally and rightfully have your SO be incredibly enraged and validly upset at you. Remember you must honestly take the blame and accept responsibility. Again, this will not be your partners fault no matter how much you try to rationalize.

Are you willing if you find you truly like the lifestyle, and feel it is you, to tell your SO honestly and be prepared to end your relationship with your SO? ie, you're willing to divorce for it.

Dealing with other people here or finding someone, be completely honest and open at the beginning of talking with people privately...be very careful to weed thru the trash email or contact me @. Be honest up front about your vanilla life with those whom you actually want to talk to. Don't be in a rush. Establish rules for how you will respect each others vanilla lives...

What Oside is absolutely true...you are going to have to live with the guilt that you have cheated on your SO, this absolutely is your wrong not theirs. From my own reading and many many hours of thinking...BDSM is far more than a fling in the dungeon...true enjoyment comes from the acceptance of roles...D/s.. Your potential subs are putting absolute trust (potentially if they are honest and just not there to get off) in you.
So Oside has very valid points, reason and truth in what she says....you must reconcile your self to that.

As an example of trust in my situation the trust has to be in my Domme regardless if I hear from Her in several days. We both have very complicated lives, we have worked hard to establish boundaries etc, for respecting each others vanilla lives. We are committed to not destroying that and vanilla takes precedents. I'm a very cautious person by nature though I want to explore this, so we spent an entire weekend just talking about concerns and trust. This was a very good outcome for me, I am confident in what I have now with my Domme, because our pattern has been consistent. Things have not changed.

So to end my rambling, be open and honest with anyone you talk to here (not the very first note necessarily but you must by the second mail disclose). You will get some very negative angry responses potentially...less so maybe for a Domme seeking a male sub (power of evaluation is initially in your hands). There are many more men out here who are willing to whore themselves out here for a Domme than Dommes available. BUT if you want that which is the real heart and soul of D\s in my book, it's not about the dungeon and fun times playing a scene.

I've totally rambled....hopefully some of this has helped...i am in no ways an expert or conveying right or wrong...just think about it.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 12:04:22 PM

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Joined: 8/15/2016
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HonorInSlavery

I've totally rambled....hopefully some of this has helped...i am in no ways an expert or conveying right or wrong...just think about it.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm grateful for your taking the time.

Again, I won't bore you with a long discussion about autism, but I am seeing everything through a new filter these last few years and understanding how I see, read and comprehend the world differently and accept myself with eyes open. I have learned something here already about how these relationships work, so thank you.

(in reply to HonorInSlavery)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 12:19:56 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HonorInSlavery
(potentially if they are honest and just not there to get off)

Even if they are there just to get off. Bottoming in BDSM is putting yourself physically at the mercy of someone else. You have made yourself helpless and you're trusting that other person to not harm you. That person needs to be someone you can literally trust with your life.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to HonorInSlavery)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 12:41:46 PM

Posts: 23
Joined: 8/16/2016
Status: offline

Totally agree, thanks for the clarification....guess I was referring to the men who fantasize on here and never commit.... You are absolutely right though, and your statements above are totally right.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 12:53:57 PM

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

quote:

my being able to take control

My limited experience with autistics tends to make me think this is a common trait.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to DizzyHeights21)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 1:05:50 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DizzyHeights21

Hello

I am hoping you can help me out with some basic questions, as I'm just beginning to explore this world. As this is an anonymous site, I hope I can be totally honest and get some good advice and guidance.

I am autistic (Asperger's Syndrome) and was diagnosed as an adult. To cut a long story short, it's been a journey of huge self-discovery, and I have felt more able to be 'me', which has been liberating. Part of being me is to be dominant. I have experimented (beyond 'kink') with just one person, but the relief and enjoyment was huge (and apparently I am good with a cane... who knew?!). Without going into a long lecture on autism, I think there is a real connection with being dominant and many autistic traits, so I am keen to further explore this side of myself. It's not about whips and chains (although...!),

Here is a reading list for you, some really great resources listed there. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

quote:

but more about my being able to take control, whilst knowing that the other person is enjoying that and not having to worry about how I'm coming across all the time.

As a dominant, if you think you do not have to worry about how you are coming across... think again. Being a dominant means that you are in total control of someone, they are at your mercy. You bear the responsibility and share in the risk should something happen. So, you better be aware that you need to be on your toes at all times. I know what you meant when you said it, but I am just making certain that you know that it is not simply holding a flogger over someone in handcuffs.

quote:

I am not single. And I would be exploring this secretly without my partner knowing.

This is a mistake of epic proportions, and will likely blow up in your face. Why wouldn't you involve your partner? There must be a reason for it. Either you fear their reaction or you don't feel you can talk with them freely. Either way, that signifies a problem in and of itself... simply because this lifestyle is all about communication, and if you are unable to share openly with your current partner about your desires, then it is damned unlikely you will communicate well with someone else. Not that you won't communicate, but you may not do it well.

Try feeling your partner out. Or come right out and talk to them. Perhaps leave a set of handcuffs on the bed or something that can lead to a discussion, if nothing else, you might get some mildly kinky action, or you may just open the door to a whole new world for yourself. My point being, do something subtle that could just be laughed off if not received well.

quote:

I would like to ask whether this is normal and/or acceptable in this world, or whether this is something that would offend anyone I approached on the collarspace site, which I would not want to do.

Unless you are in a pollyamorous relationship, it is not "normal" (your words) or generally acceptable. This life is about trust, it is all about trust. Being untrustworthy and admitting that you would hide this from your partner begs the question, if you are willing to hide something from your partner, what else might you be hiding or be willing to hide from a potential BDSM partner. I doubt that it would offend anyone here, but you can damn sure bet that you will get few who would not see that as a huge red flag. Get your house in order first, explore being a dominant second.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to DizzyHeights21)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/17/2016 3:19:32 PM

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
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speaking as a submissive I wouldn't trust any Dominant that would go behind their partner's back, trust is a major part of a BDSM relationship, if you are going to go behind someone's back to have your needs fulfilled than you can't be trusted as a Dominant.

(in reply to DizzyHeights21)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 8/18/2016 3:14:07 PM

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Joined: 8/15/2016
Status: offline

Just wanted to say thank you again for the time and effort people have put in to answering here. I appreciate it and it's given me much food for thought.

(in reply to LilJuly76)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 9/9/2016 7:14:16 AM

YourSincereSlave

Posts: 82
Joined: 7/29/2016
Status: offline

I will echo that having a submissive behind your life partner's back is unwise at best and unacceptable to many .
I will add that if this dominant side of yours is an important part of your self-discovery as an autist, it might be worth sharing with your partner. Tell them about it like you told us, being totally honest and all.
Even if your partner isn't too keen on it, it might be good to share this discovery about yourself with them.

(in reply to DizzyHeights21)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 9/9/2016 9:53:13 AM

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DizzyHeights21
I won't bore you with a long discussion about autism, but I am seeing everything through a new filter these last few years and understanding how I see, read and comprehend the world differently and accept myself with eyes open.

I say this with the utmost respect and understanding of your condition: Don't be the ass in Asperger's.

Living with autism or any form of disability is challenging, not using it as a crutch to excuse bad behaviour is key.
Just a reminder, not judging your intentions.

(in reply to DizzyHeights21)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 9/13/2016 11:22:03 PM

MistressAubreee

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Joined: 9/10/2016
Status: offline

This really depends on individual preferences. Some people are strictly monogamous and would be devastated if they found their partner in a situation similar to the one you describes. Others would be ok with it. Ask the person about how they feel mono vs poly relationships. Say you're just curious, that way you get an idea of if they'd be ok with it.

_____________________________

FinDom always looking for finsubs!
Fetlife: Mistressaubree
Twitter:: @Mistressaubree
Instagram: Mistressaubree
Facebook: Mistress Aubree

(in reply to Alecta)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 9/14/2016 7:11:00 PM

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Joined: 9/12/2016
Status: offline

I have very little experience (less than 6 months) in the BDSM community, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt. However, coming from the other side of the fence as a submissive, I am also adult diagnosed autism spectrum (PDD-NOS). For me, I have exactly the opposite experience in that I find that being controlled is hugely freeing for me. I know exactly what is expected, and there is very clear communication and rules, which I need. That said, I have to have absolute trust in my Dom, which is hard. How could I possibly trust someone who I know lies? For yourself, why would you want to put yourself in a situation where lying and misleading multiple people is necessary? That is not something that will probably end well, especially for someone who is autistic.

(in reply to MistressAubreee)

RE: A question of etiquette from a Newbie - 9/14/2016 11:15:31 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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The bad news is that cheating is not accepted in the lifestyle. The good news is dang near everything else is accepted. If you can get your partner on board, the following are just fine:

You both keep your relationship, but are free to look for outside ones.
The two of you look for a third.
You become her Dominant.

I'd suggest sitting her down and broach the subject of unmet fantasies. See who goes first, and listen like hell to what she says/wants. De-emphasize the whips and chains. Emphasize things like blindfolds. Maybe silk scarves. Giving and taking light play spankings.

Assume that your first discussion likely won't get you what you want, but it will open the door to real discussions.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to katmcmac)

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