DaddySatyr
Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
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Like my friend, Gauge, this is a touchy subject for me, but here goes:
I met one of my current ladies, two months after my son's death. To be brutally honest: the first month I was a mess. I was drunk, more often than not and my nerves were raw. I'm not a violent guy, but a person, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time could set me off on a verbal assault.
Obviously, I wasn't looking to add anyone to my mess, at that time. After a month, I told myself I'd had enough of a pity party and I got busy living instead of dying.
Beth messaged me, about two weeks later. She was ... I'm trying to find the right word ... not "gung ho". She saw a guy she thought was attractive and just decided to send a message. Her approach was just right. I know that doesn't help much so, let me try to break it down.
We met for dinner (interestingly enough; at a place three hours' drive from where I lived and yet, I'd had two other first dates there, before) and, obviously, the "So ... what have you been doing with your life?" question came up. I decided that hiding what I was going through wasn't a good way to start a relationship so, I tried to get through the tale without tearing up (Fat chance of that, happening).
She never pushed for information and always seemed to ask a question about my son that would bring back fond memories (which also brought tears, but, honestly: they were a different kind of tears. They weren't the selfish "I'll-Never-See-Him-Again" tears. They were the "Yes-He's-Gone-But-Gawd-Did-We-Have-Some-Fun" tears).
She has never pushed. I don't think she's ever brought up Jaime's name in a conversation until after I have. I am not one to dwell, usually and I don't make every conversation about him.
I'll share one REALLY fucked up story:
06 or 07 JULY, 2014. The MLB All-Star Game. MLB decided to do a big production about returning vets. I sat in front of that damned idiot box and just started crying, uncontrollably. Michael doesn't usually do bawling.
She left me be until after I'd stopped long enough to calm down and get up and get myself a soda (something she genuinely enjoys doing for me). When I came back, she asked me what was wrong. I said I didn't want to talk about it.
The next day, I felt I owed her an answer and she got it. She didn't get all pissy, in the interim. She didn't get snooty. She waited until I was ready.
Everyone deals with death, differently and with different deaths, differently.
Last month, I went out to Queens to go pray with a cousin of mine who was on his death bed. Two days later, he died. I was "okay" with it. He was 95 years old.
Three days later, I went back out to NYC for Walter's services. I stayed in Brooklyn and found out that my best friend from High School had died, the same day. I was devastated.
Once again, Beth just knew exactly how to deal with it. She waited until I was ready to talk about it.
Now, the other side of the coin: I think she took her lead from me in all of this, in another way.
At that first dinner, she informed me that just a few days previous, they had moved her father into a long-term care facility because he had Alzheimer's and was, pretty much, at the end. I didn't push. I mentioned that I had a lost someone to Alzheimer's and I let her talk. I listened.
Her father died, five months later. The day after his favorite holiday. She was a mess and I let her do what she needed to do. Some of my "wants" that were, pretty much "musts" for me, went out the window while she dealt with what she needed to deal with. I never brought up her father unless she did.
I don't know that this has helped, but it damned well better have! LOL!!!
Michael
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A Stone in My Shoe
Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?
"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"
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Death in Dominants family - 
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