RE: Can't stop crying...

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Greta75 -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/7/2016 10:15:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heavyblinker quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 So personally OP, IF your mistress wants you to enjoy your punishment. Maybe she needs to stop calling it punishment. But refer to it as HER Pleasure! She hasn't had any problems communicating that she enjoys beating me for any reason. So maybe she just does it to cheer herself up haha. I think maybe part of the problem is that I just don't know enough about how BDSM works as I sort of threw myself into it headfirst without really researching it. I didn't even know about subdrop, aftercare, etc... She is also native Chinese, so we have a few language and cultural barriers in addition to the newness of it all, and sometimes it takes a lot to understand her. She's sometimes less direct about things and I don't want to nag her with too many questions that she might not even understand. She also thinks her English is perfect and I don't want to make her feel bad haha... it's really cute but it's probably not completely practical, as I can't tell if she's ignoring me out of distraction, doesn't understand (and doesn't want to let on she doesn't understand) or just thinks I'm not always worth responding to. BDSM is really quite rare in China so she must have learned about it from Western sources, but I think that she probably has a different style to Western owners. This is a culture where people get married first and ask questions later! I like the ethnic/cultural aspect of it, but even more 'normal' cross-cultural relationships can be tough... my last relationship was supposed to be normal, but ended up being BDSM by accident haha. I would imagine that she would instinctively gravitate to different ways of dealing with different issues. I guess if I had more experience or spoke perfect Chinese I would know for sure... Oh she is Chinese! I am Chinese! Yea, Chinese are not great on communication. And very less direct about things. Also they do not like confrontation. Likes to sweep issues under the carpet most of the time. And carry on. Infact, I don't know how Chinese she is, but if she is very Chinese. If you need open communication, and clear explanation, it can get very frustrating. She'd expect you to read her mind all the time. Please read about sub drop. And maybe ask your mistress if she knows what sub drop is and maybe that is what you are experiencing with your uncontrollable crying. If she doesn't seem to be able to articulate sub drop properly, I don't know if you can persuade her to read the article and try to understand more too. So she knows how to handle you better in the future. PS: The beat you until you stop crying is a very Chinese Parental stuffs. That's quite normal in our childhood. The parent will say, we will not stop beating you until you stop crying. Won't be surprise if that was how her parents disciplined her too. That's what they do, they feel like they are toughening the kid up. And she might think it will toughen you up. But it doesn't work like that on everyone. Some kids do toughen up, some get more distress.

heavyblinker -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/7/2016 11:22:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 Oh she is Chinese! I am Chinese! Yea, Chinese are not great on communication. And very less direct about things. Also they do not like confrontation. Likes to sweep issues under the carpet most of the time. And carry on. Infact, I don't know how Chinese she is, but if she is very Chinese. If you need open communication, and clear explanation, it can get very frustrating. She'd expect you to read her mind all the time. Please read about sub drop. And maybe ask your mistress if she knows what sub drop is and maybe that is what you are experiencing with your uncontrollable crying. If she doesn't seem to be able to articulate sub drop properly, I don't know if you can persuade her to read the article and try to understand more too. So she knows how to handle you better in the future. PS: The beat you until you stop crying is a very Chinese Parental stuffs. That's quite normal in our childhood. The parent will say, we will not stop beating you until you stop crying. Won't be surprise if that was how her parents disciplined her too. That's what they do, they feel like they are toughening the kid up. And she might think it will toughen you up. But it doesn't work like that on everyone. Some kids do toughen up, some get more distress. Haha yeah... she is pretty Chinese!!! I'm glad you know what I'm talking about Greta. My last girlfriend (also Chinese) was vanilla, but the way she invalidated almost everything I said by simply not responding to it and then later pretending everything was okay... it really pushed me to the limits of my own masochism. And she had no idea why I was even upset, and wouldn't talk about the issue EVER. This girl isn't that bad, but communication can still be pretty tough sometimes... and she is of course always right haha. I don't have a lot of experience in these matters but I think she is probably tougher than a western domme would be because she also grew up poor (and I'm sure you know that China-poor really doesn't compare to US-poor). She had to work really hard and basically took charge of her entire family, so she expects a lot... but she is also really warm inside, even though she tries to hide it haha. She's really one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I asked her about subdrop and she told me that I'm the only one she knows who has experienced it. I don't think the crying is entirely subdrop because it happens almost immediately... and it's entirely possible that more beating could make it worse.

Greta75 -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/8/2016 1:05:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heavyblinker And she had no idea why I was even upset, and wouldn't talk about the issue EVER. Yea, traditional Chinese relationships is about, burying every problem, do not talk about it. Just let it go and move on. And you certainly don't talk about feelings. Then at work, it's even worst. Try bringing up any work problem to a Chinese boss. Oh man! It's a little like, settle the problem yourself, if you can't fix it, you lose your job, if you fix it somehow, good job! And if you bring up to your boss that you are having difficulties with something, it's seldom perceived as positive to try help you out with the problem and grow you as an employee but seen as your incompetence to do the job. Usually a dark mark against you. quote: I asked her about subdrop and she told me that I'm the only one she knows who has experienced it. I don't think the crying is entirely subdrop because it happens almost immediately... and it's entirely possible that more beating could make it worse. Okay, read this, the crying part. Maybe you can hunt for online articles that explains your crying and send some to her for her reading understanding. Basically it sounds like you just need her to understand your crying response and it is normal. It is really normal.

heavyblinker -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/8/2016 4:10:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 Yea, traditional Chinese relationships is about, burying every problem, do not talk about it. Just let it go and move on. And you certainly don't talk about feelings. Then at work, it's even worst. Try bringing up any work problem to a Chinese boss. Oh man! It's a little like, settle the problem yourself, if you can't fix it, you lose your job, if you fix it somehow, good job! And if you bring up to your boss that you are having difficulties with something, it's seldom perceived as positive to try help you out with the problem and grow you as an employee but seen as your incompetence to do the job. Usually a dark mark against you. Haha... I don't know how you do it. quote: Okay, read this, the crying part. Maybe you can hunt for online articles that explains your crying and send some to her for her reading understanding. Basically it sounds like you just need her to understand your crying response and it is normal. It is really normal. That article was great, thank you... I feel more normal now. I really do enjoy the crying, actually... in fact, it's maybe the best part. Maybe I'm sort of like the guy in Fight Club after finally discovering the joy of support groups.

LilJuly76 -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/8/2016 5:57:36 AM)
I can tell you are intelligent already, you are able to figure out WD knows nothing about BDSM or kink.

Alecta -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/8/2016 6:45:35 AM)
OP, talk to your mistress about why she does not like the crying during a beating. Could be it makes her feel bad. Could be she doesn't like the noise. Find a compromise together. The crying, flashbacks and staring in space randomly (when not being beaten) still need to be addressed. It's somewhat common but not normal. BDSM people have less anxiety because of the "working through things" and "accepting who we are and what we like" things. If you don't do the work you don't get the results. The most important thing you could learn though is this: Don't take the word of forum folks over your own Master's or your own better judgement

Alecta -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/8/2016 6:47:34 AM)
WD knows more than you know, under that clown suit. Figuring him out is a rite of passage

LilJuly76 -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/8/2016 7:01:10 AM)
someone deserves a chocolate cake if they can figure him out

Numerans -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/9/2016 9:19:32 PM)
I would not tolerate such a relationship so if your mind and body is telling you that it is wrong then perhaps it is, for you. But hey listen to random strangers about how to deal with your inner most feeelings...not the best of ideas. Greta I've always loved your straightforwardness on these things. Obviously what happens in ones childhood shapes ones opinions about it later but I'll tend to agree that the concept of punishment dynamics is alien to me as well. Kink and pain is one thing. Submission and Dominance too. But the idea of punishment seems to go counter to both of these. Is it punishment if desired? If so then we are just talking about fetishes in of themselves. Now Alecta mentions correcting behavior. In a very strict environment that may be an aspect of it. The submissive may not be able to or may not be inclined enough to do something. Not being able to do something should in my opinion lead to some sort of positive reinforcement mechanic on part of the dominant where (s)he teaches or trains the submissive. Not being inclined...Well if it's an itch that really needs scratching and the dominant and submissive are otherwise happy then perhaps the dominant needs to assert this through some form of unpleasantness such as removing privileges or enforcing her or his rules through punishment. But if this becomes the norm one should either look to limit the demands they put forth or to end the relationship rather than go bananas and make their sub cry. Humiliation in general, unless in the form of some cleansing ritual is probably unhealthy and the people that seem to want to be on the receiving end probably have some unresolved issues that any loving dominant should look into.

Greta75 -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/13/2016 9:10:31 PM)
I think my position is. A dominant just need to be mindful about emotional and mental health of their submissive too. And everybody process psychological punishment differently. There is no right or wrong way. But only what is suitable and healthy for that specific situation. This case, the crying seem healthy for the sub but the domme cannot stand or understand the crying but she needs to. Another case, the cold treatment seem detrimental to the sub's mental and emotional health. So that's all I am concern about.

longwayhome -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/14/2016 3:42:15 AM)
To the OP. I think we can all go round in circles and make BDSM relationships seem very complicated. They are of course because we all have different needs. However, as a number of people have said, there is no right or wrong - only what is right for you and your mistress. Yes, you and your mistress. It is a still a partnership even if it looks a bit strange to people who don't get BDSM. In a relationship we have to accept the rough with the smooth, but only to an extent. Many of us have been in situations where we have bent over backwards to explain the way the feel, often by blaming ourselves or thinking that it would all be okay if we could just be good enough or do the right thing. Being part of each other's life should uplift you. Putting her needs first or allowing yourself to be guided by her should meet a deep need within you that makes you feel more whole not broken. Don't believe the hype. There are so many dynamics and so many ways that a BDSM relationship can work. I like to be scared witless sometimes but I also need to know that someone means me no actual harm when they will take me to new places. Someone wanting to "hurt" me turns me on hugely, but from a "hurting the one you love" point of view. Seen from the outside that can look pretty bad, but the bottom line is that the act of letting someone hold me in their hand is like removing the mental shackles from me. This is despite the fact that paradoxically I have willingly handed myself over to their will, which is a strange sort of freedom. There are paradoxes on top of paradoxes because I'm not passive but I don't control the ride and things might be cruel are carefully calculated and not random acts of abuse. I say all this because no matter how complicated it seems, someone who is the right partner for you will take time to understand how you tick, both so that it works for them and so it works for you, even if they are in charge. The bottom line has to be some kind of bond of care. Nobody goes into any relationship to be miserable. If you can stand back and see that the stuff that is good (even in a bad way) uplifts you and makes you feel better about life, then it is positive. (I say that without judging your or anyone else's kinks, e.g. humiliation works for some, and hits a good button at some level, for others it just feels abusive with no up side.) But if you are only getting flashes of the good stuff and having to grit your teeth (in a bad way) through the rest of it, then it can't be good for you, however much you want a BDSM relationship. It doesn't matter if you are new to all this. A mistress who is sensitive to your needs will be able to gauge her actions appropriately. If someone pushes on regardless in a way causes a downward spiral instead of an upward spiral, then they don't have your best interests at heart, whatever they say about it being about what they want because they are the Domme. Only you can say whether it feels right, and whether you are spiralling up through these difficulties. There is sometimes a very fine distinction between painful drilling that leads to a breakthrough, and painful drilling that causes a breakdown - a very fine distinction between "moulding" someone and breaking them. Given that so many of these things are different sides of the same coin and can look very similar to a bystander, it is only deep within your soul that you can answer these questions. You are not powerless in this situation, unless of course you choose to be by clinging to it at all costs. This could become one of the best things that has ever happened to you or it could become one of the worst. Somewhere along the line you have to trust your own feelings.

heavyblinker -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/20/2016 12:11:07 PM)
Thanks longwayhome, that reply was awesome. I think at the moment everything is just really new and I'm still not completely sure what to think of it... I think once I'm more used to it I'll be able to better sort out the bad from the good and decide what I like and don't like. I sort of threw myself headfirst into the whole BDSM thing without knowing a lot about it... except a few hints of my submissive nature that surfaced in past vanilla relationships and a friend who was into his local scene. I didn't realize that it wasn't just weird leather people having lots of sex with whips and stuff... there's actually a lot of different dimensions and I feel like it's really putting me in touch with myself. I didn't even realize how little I knew about myself! I am sort of taking a crash course now using this site and other online resources. Reading about abusive relationships with narcissists actually cleared a lot of things up too, haha. Even though it is rooted in painful memories, I have been intentionally pushing myself to cry just because it feels good to get it out. I feel like I made a breakthrough with a suppressed memory that is pretty horrifying but honestly just being able to remember it and have it there in my brain is a massive improvement. I think I could probably not push myself or try to avoid it better if she wanted me to, but it's really satisfying to cry for about an hour until I start laughing, cry some more and then curl up and sleep... maybe it's putting me in touch with my inner child or something, but afterwards I feel genuinely peaceful in a way I haven't been for a very long time. I seriously slept like I did when I was about 8 years old. It's better than an orgasm. I've reassured her that it's cathartic but she doesn't seem to care about that-- because of course she only cares how it makes her feel and she feels like crying makes me 'useless' and cut off from her. I thought that maybe explaining where it's coming from would help her to feel better about it (ie: I'm not just some basketcase having a meltdown), but no go. I'm wondering if I could just not cry in front of her as a compromise... I get that it's about her not me, but I really enjoy the crying.

Gunshow -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/20/2016 1:53:27 PM)
quote: I get that it's about her not me, but I really enjoy the crying IMHO it's her duty to accept the consequences of breaking you down. She needs to understand what is going on, accept it if you do, comfort you, and build you back up. Just thinking out loud here.

longwayhome -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/27/2016 6:01:12 AM)
Thanks hb for the kind words. Obviously you need to assess everything yourself as you get to understand your relationship and your own responses better. I think however that Gunshow has a point. Going to dark places is very powerful, but it looks a bit as though you are being dropped once you get there. If you can cope with that response that is okay, but it's sometimes really good to know that someone is giving you a hand up as you decompress, so to speak. Some of us need that reassurance after the event, and getting it in person is always better than getting it online. You might want to reflect on how important aftercare is to you. Rather than give you my own perspective on this, which may not match your own, there are lots of different views available online on the subject, as well as a BDSM Book List at the top of the General BDSM Discussion section and a few threads on the subject you can browse through here just by searching for "aftercare".

MasterBishop69 -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/27/2016 6:12:37 PM)
You are your Dom property, your Dom should be as interested in your emotional needs and well as your physical desires. This sounds more like abuse and your Dom doesn't give a fuck about you as a person. RUN AWAY NOW. Read this book to help you. BDSM Naked Truth.

thishereboi -> RE: Can't stop crying... (10/27/2016 7:28:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl Just want to say, that isn't true. I like a loving Daddy who corrects not punishes. It's not a requirement for a Big to punish their little. What's involved in this "correction", sounds like another word for "discipline" and "punishment". Personally, if my Master is unhappy with me, the best solution is sit me down, and list up all the things he is not happy about, and basically discuss with me like an adult, what we can do to resolve all these problems, and come to a compromise or resolution. And anyway, if it is someone I love, I always care about his feelings and I care that I am not making him happy. I will fix it. I want my actions to make him happy always! I don't need cold treatment or to be beaten up. I take his unhappiness with me seriously all the time. And knowing I made him unhappy is punishment enough, I will feel terrible and want to fix it. Because the way I rationalise stuffs, when I am inlove with someone, I want to be his comfort, and his peace. Not his strife. So my goal is to make him happy. Keep him happy. And obviously if it is a dominant who needs things I can't fulfill to make him happy, then I know we aren't right for each other, period. I will fail his expectations, it's not within my capability. Then we aren't suited. End of the day, one person isn't capable of EVERYTHING. Correcting a submissive can be as simple as sitting them down and explaining why what they did was wrong. It doesn't have to involve punishment or pain.

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