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Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/14/2016 11:28:42 PM

Brandnewdomme18

Posts: 5
Joined: 10/12/2016
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Hey,

I'm really new to this.

So I'm excited to say I think I've finally found a slave to start something special with.

We've chatted and gotten to know each other a fair bit and like me he also wants a loving relationship but also a sometimes mean one. I'm really for this and really excited to explore that callous and apathetic side of me (obviously within the confines of consensual and loving play space) but here's the thing...

I'm so scared. I'm super scared of potentially going too far and hurting my slave. I don't want to upset or disrespect him by going too far. Mostly I just want to love him and take care of him. I do want to be that fun and carefree bitch too but I'm scared I'm going to do a bad job. I never want to accidentally hurt my slave.

Any advice would be really helpful here.

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/14/2016 11:44:21 PM

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Joined: 1/19/2010
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Ok, you want a loving relationship with protocol and kink. So start with a loving relationship without protocol and kink. Continue said relationship for an indefinite period until you are both entirely comfortable with each other. Then add the kink. Slowly. But by then you should already be bffs so the "going too far" won't be an issue since you should by then already know where all those lines are.

(in reply to Brandnewdomme18)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/14/2016 11:46:38 PM

Brandnewdomme18

Posts: 5
Joined: 10/12/2016
Status: offline

I already knew that was what I should do but I'm so paranoid about sabotaging it from the get- go

(in reply to Alecta)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/14/2016 11:55:04 PM

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Joined: 1/19/2010
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Date them normally for an indefinite period. In real life, in real time. Then slowly introduce play by mutual agreement. Let them know this is what you're doing. If they don't agree to it you'll know they don't actually want the loving relationship part. Then stick to the plan.

(in reply to Brandnewdomme18)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/15/2016 5:24:29 AM

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Joined: 7/12/2016
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First thing that I would recommend is not to rush into things. Start off far more slowly and gently than either of you are aiming to get to, and then turn the heat up slowly and gradually once you are both comfortable with that, paying attention to the reactions you are getting as you do this. Have a time set aside afterwards where you can both talk about what has happened and how you feel about it. Always be open and honest with each other. Don't beat yourself up if something doesn't go as planned, or that one or both of you didn't get what was expected out of it. It is impossible to know this until you have tried it. Good luck.

(in reply to Alecta)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/15/2016 6:48:12 AM

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Think about how you want your day-to-day life as a dominant and submissive to go. Does he bring you coffee on a tray naked? Do you require him to be naked? Does he get to sit on the couch?
If you have the small ducks in a row, then the big ones will keep track of themselves. If you know what you want, then the submissive is a lot more relaxed because there is a framework for them to work with. The framework (rules and regulations) can be an evolving thing, but there should be something there to begin with. I would think it would be very hard to go from a straight vanilla relationship into a BDSM one.

Also, scening. With my dom and my sweetie both, we started off mild and built up from there over the course of many scenes. There were times when I just really wanted my sweetie to whale away on my butt, but he was brand new to his sadism and went slowly until he saw how I reacted, and what he was comfortable doing.

So, know what you want, at least in general terms, and how that is going to translate into a relationship, and take the pain stuff slow until the two of you are in sync with what you enjoy. Easy! ..... and fun, so don't stress too much. This is supposed to bring you joy

(in reply to Diffident)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/15/2016 7:21:43 AM

Brandnewdomme18

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Joined: 10/12/2016
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Thanks everybody

(in reply to kiwisub22)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/15/2016 7:46:43 AM

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Joined: 7/12/2016
Status: offline

2 more things. There also may be workshops on BDSM activities such as "How to do X, Y and Z safely" in most big cities that would probably be worth going to. You can usually find out when/where they are through Fetlife. Some Pro-Dommes also rent out their dungeon to couples when they are not using it and will usually give safety tips before leaving you to it.

(in reply to Brandnewdomme18)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/15/2016 8:07:07 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Start slow and talk about stuff afterwards. Check in with him during play, and reassure him after.

Oh, and remember, you're allowed limits also. So if degrading him makes you feel bad, then don't do it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Diffident)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/15/2016 9:54:25 AM

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rolls eyeballs & wanders off.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/15/2016 1:46:06 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The other thing is to recognize that you're not perfect, not a mind reader and will make a mistake.

Then what? Plan for it.

You stop right away. You give them whatever first aid they need, you hug and apologize. And you learn not to go that far in the future.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to WickedsDesire)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/29/2016 3:53:36 PM

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Joined: 10/27/2016
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I would first start out by reading some books on the subject. BDSM Naked Truth / Screw the roses give me the Thorns / SM 101. Whatever play you both decide to engage in you should negoceate first. Ask, do you have any bad trigger words you don’t want me to use? Don’t ever body shame each other. When your bottom is obeying and following all your directions, let them know. Make constant eye contact. Start all new play at level one and work your way up till you reach their limit. Have all your safe words in place. Lay out all your toys first so your not fumbling around looking for them. Have fun!

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 10/30/2016 6:09:42 PM

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Brandnewdomme18
I'm so scared. I'm super scared of potentially going too far and hurting my slave. I don't want to upset or disrespect him by going too far. Mostly I just want to love him and take care of him. I do want to be that fun and carefree bitch too but I'm scared I'm going to do a bad job. I never want to accidentally hurt my slave.

You're going to. Period. And you know what? Your slave will eventually hurt and/or disrespect you too. It happens in vanilla relationships and even long term Platonic friendships. People are imperfect, and life is stressful. As long as you do the very best you can, and your slave knows you are trying your hardest, it will be ok. I've had subs forgive me for things long before I forgave myself for them. And it wasn't because they were subs; it was because they knew that what we did had an element of risk, and we both accepted responsibility for that risk.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Brandnewdomme18)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 11/8/2016 2:25:58 PM

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Good luck :)))))))))))))))

(in reply to Brandnewdomme18)

RE: Really scared to accidentally disrespect my slave - 11/13/2016 12:13:06 PM

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Joined: 11/25/2012
Status: offline

Are you eager to explore your 'callous and apathetic side' because it's something you want to do or because it's something you feel a good domme *needs* to do? The reason I asked is I have been a dom for years and still have similar anxiety. What I learned is that I cannot verbally denigrate someone well. It seemed forced and awkward for me to put someone down after agreeing to submit to me. By no means do I wish to put down people who have this sort of power dynamic - it's just not something I am able to do. I tried it once and I felt like I was Kenneth Parcell trying to say vulgar words.

I focus on tasks that are humbling but not humiliating or come from a place of shame. For instance, my partner responds well to fornophilia - or being human furniture. Instead of putting her down and tell her 'you're only useful as a footstool!' I will praise her for being a good <name of object> and I am pleased.

Long story short - don't fake the funk. Instead find out what makes you happy and pleases your sub at the same time.

(in reply to newbie2390)

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