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ThatDizzyChick -> RE: pain (12/18/2016 1:54:18 AM)
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quote:
I'm kinda interested in hearing more about how your dynamic with the two Fella's works, and their dynamic with each other. But you tend to not share that much about the details about it on the board, so if it's private, I understand.
OK, I know I answered this, but the fella posted something on the other site that has some bearing on this. It is a response to some guy on Reddit musing on what being dominant meant to him.
So here is my Fella's take on being dominant, it shines some light on the way things work around here and why he does things the way he does them.
quote:
As promised, Dizzy asked me to take a look at this. At first I was just going to answer more or less the way she did, but decided instead to respond. So I have been thinking it over for a few days as I am not really given to spending time contemplating things like this.
Before I start, I want to point out a couple things.
First, all this is just my opinion; I am not meaning to imply that it is correct for everybody, or even for anybody but me.
Second, while I have only been involved in a formally Dominant/Submissive relationship for a few years, I have been a dominant person all my life and there has been an element of dominance in all my interactions. Even in kindergarten, the other kids did things my way.
Third, as I said in the opening paragraph, I am not the sort of person to spend a lot of time analyzing my motivations and inner workings. Most of what follows I just worked out over the last few days of thinking about this, so it may not make a lot of sense.
Fourth, I am not really good at explaining these sorts of things, so please bear with me.
Now that that’s clear, I’ll get down to it.
I just don’t relate to this guy at all. For me, “dominant” isn’t something I do, it is just something that I am. There is no need or drive or desire, I could no more not be dominant than I could not breath. I have no burning need to control; I just tend to do so without really thinking about it. I have no dangerous dark desire to get my way, I just get my way most of the time. My dominance doesn’t control or drive me; it is just part of me. It’s not something I turn on or off, it just is. Until Dizzy and I decided to formally incorporate a degree of power exchange into our relationship, I wasn’t really even conscious of being dominant, she pointed things out to me; it is just that innate a part of my nature.
I also don’t get his desire to break and ruin. I want the object of my attentions to be improved, even in a vanilla situation, when I try to persuade people to go along with me; it is never to diminish them in any way. For me the point of having somebody submit to me is for them to be the better for having done so. For their lives to be improved, for them to be happier and more content. For them to grow, not into what I want them to be, but to grow as themselves. I don’t want Dizzy to stop being Dizzy, I want her to be a happier and more fulfilled, Dizzier Dizzy as a result of submitting to me. To grow as the person she is, into the person she wants to be.
Nor do I have any desire to be her God, or be worshiped. For me, the reward is to be followed because I am trusted to lead, not out of any fear or misplaced belief in my brilliance or my infallibility. In fact, one of Dizzy’s most important duties is to speak up when she thinks I am making a mistake. I couldn’t imagine wanting to be with somebody who didn’t do that, I have no fondness for sycophants in the wider world and I certainly don’t want one in my private life. And when she does, I expect her to argue her position, not just meekly give in. Yes, in the end I want her to accept my decision, but to my mind her doing so knowing I have actually heard and listened to her and have seriously considered her points, is far more meaningful than if she did so just because I said because I said so. And, more often than not, when she speaks up, she is right. And I value that enormously, because having accepted responsibility for being the leader, I really don’t want to mess things up. A good leader listens to his advisers and seeks out the opinions and advice of experts. He recognizes both his own weaknesses and the strengths of those who follow him, and makes use of those strengths to offset his weaknesses.
I also do not agree with the “devolution from man to beast” idea either. I may indulge some freaky ideas and fantasies that are not very socially acceptable, but I am never a beast. I remain at all times a man, I remain at all times in control of both myself and the situation. This is especially so because Dizzy, by the very nature of the dynamic and some of the things we do cannot be. She puts her safety, both physical and emotional in my hands, so I must remain in control least I harm her. That is the essential core of a power exchange to my mind, it may be unspoken, but when somebody submits to another, they are saying that they trust that other person to remain in control.
I also disagree with him about not speaking of wants and preferences. First of all, if I am to lead you, I need to know where you want to go. And secondly, I do not like the sort of games he implies by saying he wants you to say you need him to walk you to the car. I want her to be very clear about her needs and her desires, and which is which. While both should be satisfied in a relationship, needs take precedence over desires.
I am also not attracted to weakness or docility, as any of you familiar with Dizzy have probably figured out by now. I am attracted to the exact opposite. For me, it is far more gratifying when a strong, assertive, and capable woman who doesn’t need guidance turns to me for guidance. That tells me they do not need my guidance, they want it, and that means more to me. Though I will admit I am drawn to people with problems or issues, not because I like to exploit them, but because I am a fixer by nature. I like to repair things, not break them further. I like to help people. This happens in my everyday life, at work and with friends and family. People turn to me for advice and counsel, even if my advice is just that they talk to a lawyer or a therapist or a priest. People turn to me not because I am a genius, but because something about me inspires their trust. And to my mind that thing that inspires their trust is the same thing that makes me a dominant person.
That is the way I see it, of course, I may be completely wrong.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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